5 ways to understand what is (and is not) considered infidelity in your relationship.
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A while back the internet lit up brighter than a Lite Brite over rumors that Taylor Swift broke up with her latest guy, Calvin Harris, when she found out he purchased a “happy ending” at a Thai massage parlor
It makes no difference to me personally if the stories about Swift and Harris are true or not. What I appreciate is that this situation brought to the forefront of trending news the dark underworld of “happy ending” massages, the men who swear by them and the opinions of both married and single guys towards them.
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I first heard the phrase “happy ending” when a client expressed concern that her husband might be getting them.
Since then I have found that while many women are unfamiliar with the term, all of the men I mention this to know exactly what they are, exactly where men* in their area get them, and exactly how men ask for them. What amazes me more than anything is how men I’ve discussed this issue with have either defended the practice as completely innocent or have felt ambivalent about whether or not it should raise any concerns.
The laws and legal ramifications vary state to state, but a man who pays for this service is putting himself, and his family if he has one, at risk.
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I have heard, from men I otherwise respect and enjoy having as friends, happy ending massages referred to as a “therapeutic,” “authentic” and “harmless” form of “tension release.”
I find this troubling on two fundamental levels. Happy ending massages are a form of prostitution. They are illegal. The laws and legal ramifications vary state to state, but a man who pays for this service is putting himself, and his family if he has one, at risk. Not to mention the fact that he may passively support the insidious business of sex trafficking.
Happy ending massages received by married men are in no uncertain terms a very real form of infidelity. You can pretty it up all you want as “manual release,” “nude adult relaxation” and the like, but there is nothing harmless about it to the wife or girlfriend who later finds out that her husband paid for and received sexual gratification of any kind.
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As I see it, you have the 5 following options available to choose from:
1) If you are that deeply in need of a “manual release,” you know where to find your own manual devices.
If you believe these services are therapeutic and innocent, sit your significant other down for a chat and explain that to her before you seek such a service out.
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2) If you believe these services are therapeutic and innocent, sit your significant other down for a chat and explain that to her before you seek such a service out. If she’s cool with it, hey, that’s your deal with each other. I make no judgments.
3) If she isn’t cool with it, than you should respect that and opt out.
4) If you are too scared to sit down with her and discuss this because you think she will freak out, then she probably will. I suggest you respect that and opt out.
5) If the need to receive a happy ending as your therapy of choice is so important that you just don’t care how she feels about it, then she is not particularly “significant” to you after all. End the relationship so you can take your risks on your own emotional and legal dime, while allowing her to move on with her dignity intact.
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I realize I am likely preaching to the choir here, but maybe if we sing this song loud enough together, someone who needs to hear it finally will. And if Taylor decides to write our lyrics, that would be epic!
*Note: Yes, women can and do pay for happy endings services as well. All of the above holds true no matter the gender of the masseuse, the client or the betrayed partner.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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I am divorce I been in a lot of. Happy endings call me how can I stop I know god don’t like jt
My wife and I discuss most things even how many times I masturbate waiting for her to come home from work etc and she knows I watch porn which she sometimes watches too. I recently had a massage at home by an Asian friend of hers, she had a massage first and stripped right down. Her friend gave a good massage but was touching me a bit too much and I started too get hard. My wife was watching and she told me that she saw her friend’s face and she was really enjoying it while massaging me. I didn’t… Read more »
Biology and maleness is the underlying motivation. For men, sex is much more physical and the sight and touch of a “new” woman is pretty exciting. I agree it is not right, but it is a primitive urge and in many cases may strengthen his bond with his significant other. Just be discreet about it. Women also tend to age and things hang, droop, and get bigger – none of which appeals sexually, even though you love the person (mental/emotional). And even from a woman’s perspective, if the guy can’t look good, she can and does get happy endings and… Read more »
My instinct tells me to get what I can when available. Morals don’t come into it but nature does. It is perfectly natural just like other animals. Possibly the reason there are so many people on the planet and a large mix of intermingled DNA. I wouldn’t do it as my wife wouldn’t approve in the end and I have worked too hard to set us up financially for retirement. Unfortunately i have to take the long term view. Women don’t seem to understand what it is to be a male. Some men need stimulation on a daily basis and… Read more »
Just go with him!
Find people on a site called PlatonicMassage dot com
This article provides no supporting arguments… Whatsoever…
I’ll rewrite the article more concisely:
Happy endings are wrong because not only does your wife say so, but so does the state!
Circular logic…
Not that I’m defending the practice, I was just hoping the article was… Better…
While I don’t understand why men are interested in this sort of thing. I don’t understand the prohibition on talking about it if you feel it might upset her. It seems that sort of thinking leads to much being unsaid.
I’ve known that word from my ex. We used to go to massage together and couple room. he always picked a same girl I had no doubt… But when I was on business trip, I found that he asked home visit service at 2 am and several times. I contacted her to stop but she denied and she said she is a wife and mother. We broke up but I’ve never told him about this, he still tried to have me and one night I saw this massuer’s message. she texted she love him and one time is 1,500USD. I… Read more »
If this were an article against cheating, I’d be all in agreement. While the author does make this point, she also seems to implicitly shame those men who aren’t cheating yet who seek out this kind of service. Why the shame? Not every man has a willing partner at his side. Some are lonely, some suffer from physical or social deficiencies. Sometimes the paid companionship of a sex worker can help a man break out of his shell or add needed intimacy to his life. And to imply that sex workers are trafficked is ridiculous BS from the rescue industry.… Read more »
You clearly are mislead if you think that there’s no such thing as sex trafficking. Just because sex work is legal doesn’t mean that young girls all over the world are taken in as sex slaves beyond their will.
To your first paragraph, yes, if a man’s single and looking for something, sure. If in a “committed” relationship, it’s cheating. Unless he’s fine with his woman paying for the same service from a male.
I agree with this. If my SO were getting “happy ending” massages I would feel invalidated, neglected (I can say with personal experience men who cheat tend to sexually & emotionally neglect their wives BIG TIME), and hurt that he would put our family at risk of legal trouble (esp. if we had children). However, if you’re single, and you realize and accept whatever legal risks are involved, it is much more no-harm no-foul. If sex work were legalized maybe it could be better regulated, which could cut down on human trafficking? I don’t know. I don’t know enough about… Read more »
The acid test for every man is to decide for himself whether happy endings is cheating by looking at the situation in reverse. If your dear love went to a masseur and she paid him extra for a happy ending, oral or manual, would you shrug it off? Or would you feel gut-punched?
QUOTE: “*Note: Yes, women can and do pay for happy endings services as well. All of the above should be considered to hold true no matter the gender of the masseuse, the client or the betrayed partner.” Arianna, is this a disclaimer, or are you saying it is also common for women to get “happy ending” massages? I’d be curious to know more about that side of the coin. Would it freak me out if I heard of my “wife” getting a happy ending massage from a man or a woman? Hell yes. I do think it’s a cop out… Read more »
Hey John,
Yes, it was a disclaimer. I figured at least one person would ask, “Why is this only about men,” and decided to answer the question in advance.
I don’t know any women who have admitted to getting them, but I have known male masseuses who have had women request them, and I have read articles by women who gave them a try.
IMO, if a married or committed woman requested that a man other than the one she is committed to provide her with sexual release, she is cheating as well. Same diff.
Jules A friend of mine in America met a man online on a dating site. He was seven years younger than her and had two masters and made good money. She married him without meeting his family or friends after had sent her gifts and flowers for huge sums of money, later on he totally changed and showed all the signs of a sociopath and finally divorced her. Now she is so emotionally damaged that she lives her ex husband from her first marriage ,she is so scared. I have never met anyone like that . She was trusting and… Read more »
Silke, “He was seven years younger than her and had two masters and made good money.” Now you know why I get suspicious when gorgeous women decades younger than me hit on me. When I was younger, I could believe it. At almost 50, I suspect that she’s after something else. BTW: Ironically the 28 year (She was born in 1988) old Eastern European (I found out she’s from Tajikistan a couple days ago so she might not be Eastern European after all) exchange student asked me for assistance again with her laptop. Again after I helped her she insists… Read more »
John
I glad to hear you do not let yourself be used :).
A green card , a visa, and to be allowed into U.S. for life is worth a fortune .
Arianna
I wonder what this tells us about how they see the Thai massage lady?
If she does not count , and is not seen as human, like prostitutes are not people like you and me…
I think most men would see it as cheating if the women (or man) that masturbated them was a friend at work or their neighbour.
@ Silke, Hi Silke! She is separated from her husband…Their marriage is done. She is around 44 I think and will not have any more kids. She has a son that is 21. The boyfriend is 53 she says. “But I guess she is strongly sexually attracted or she has serious issues herself that makes her idealize him,and then it is impossible for her to see him as he really is.” I think both of these factors are at work. She is white of Italian heritage. He is a black guy. Her first time to date a black guy she… Read more »
Jules
It is true. We all have faults.
( But your description of the man she chooses made me laugh.)
She is old enough to take care of herself and for some reason she think he is worth all this trouble.
@ Silke,
I just realized this should have been posted to Arianna’s other piece.
Don’t worry.
I understood ,but maybe others became a bit confused 🙂
As always you are forgiven and deeply loved….
Jules, I know that must be painful. You are wise to distance yourself. Not only for your well-being, but in a way for hers. If she keeps looking to you expecting validation of her self-destructive choices she is putting you in the position of choosing to either enable her or walk away.
Silke, I believe the spectrum of how men who engage in this activity view the “service providers” varies. I am sure some believe that they are professionals performing a service like any other masseuse, some who couldn’t care less about the women’s status as human beings, and some who have made up a fantasy that the woman they see only does this “for him” or for “special customers.” It is a dark world at play.
I am guessing part of it is being acted upon = Less cheaty in their mind. If he was actively penetrating her then he might feel it’s far more in the realm of cheating vs a handjob being “just a massage”
“What amazes me more than anything is how the majority of the men I have discussed this issue with have either defended the practice as completely innocent or have felt ambivalent about whether or not it should raise any concerns.” I find this to be a common reaction to some discussions around sex, that come up between men and women, on a social/broad scale. Women present an issue they have with something men may do sexually, men don’t really want to hear it. They defend it or tell the women she ‘doesn’t understand’ (which could be true but saying that… Read more »
🙂
“Women certainly aren’t going to massage parlors to get happy endings. Men would freak out if they were. Uggg, the double standard!” Because women have far far far greater access to sex than men do if they really want an orgasm. Men’s sex drives are more powerful than women’s, it creates an imbalance where men want it more than women in general so men are more willing to pay for it. Hence why the overwhelming majority of people who complain their partners aren’t having enough sex with them are men. The person with the lower sex drive will have their… Read more »
I am totally with Jules on this one.
Yes, I am somewhat familiar with the concept of “happy ending”, although taken out of context, this would probably not be the first thing to spring to my mind. I also have never heard anyone defend them as “innocent” or “therapeuthic”, and I probably would know where to find one to save my life.
Ha. I’ve heard of happy endings, but that didn’t come to mind when I read the title. I don’t know where I would get one and don’t know what they mean about how to ask for one, but when I was a teenager, I knew which strip bars I could get into (word travels) and didn’t actually have to proposition anyone because the prostitutes didn’t care that you were only 15 or even if you said no. I think maybe they targeted the younger boys because they knew they could pressure them into sex. They kind of cared that you… Read more »
@ FlyingKal,
“I probably would know where to find one to save my life.”
I think you meant to say “would not know” or was this a Freudian slip. Lol.
If you are in Sweden, I think they are pretty easy to come by. No?
@Julia Byrd,
Yes, I missed the “not” the. Thank you.
“If you are in Sweden, I think they are pretty easy to come by. No?”
As I just said, I have no idea, either way.
What’s your views on a woman who could orgasm from back massages? Would it be cheating?
I’m sorry, Archy but I’m confused.
Who are you implying would be giving her the massage and under which circumstances?
Sounds like a nifty little trick, though!
At first glance, I thought that Archy’s comment was absolutely absurd. What woman would orgasm at a back massage? Ludicrous. Then, I realized that if Channing Tatum was giving me a back massage, I’d highly likely orgasm in a matter of moments. Cheating? Yep. Having an orgasm with any other person outside your relationship is cheating. Though we all know this is a highly unlikely scenario….
I’m with you, Bette! It’s just that the question was highly non-specific. If Channing’s wife is able to orgasm from his back massages then she is even luckier than I already thought she was. ?
@ Bette,
Why do you think this is absurd…? You should read Pamela Madsen’s book, “Shameless:….” I think she experienced a happy ending during a sensual massage from a gay male massage professional. I think a few of her pieces have appeared here on TGMP.
Is this not what a sensual massage is all about?
Don’t apologize to trolls. Or try to understand their faux-narrative. BTW, this one is an overachiever. 😉
There is nothing trollish about this question. I’m sorry if you mind is so closed you cannot understand that people can orgasm from touching non-genital places.
I’m not sure if Archy is joking, but a female friend once told me that she had an orgasm undergoing a vaginal exam (sorry don’t remember what kind. I think it was a pelvic, but the conversation was over 20 years ago). She felt the doctor was stimulating her on purpose. Assuming he wasn’t, that would probably be where Archy is going. My take on it is no. That would be like saying that I looked at a picture, got an erection, and so I cheated. I’m kind of surprised that there are so many comments on the article. It… Read more »
John, I agree with you 100%.
The only distinction I would make is to add is this. If the person you are with has told you they consider porn or masturbation cheating and you responding by agreeing to that condition, than you should honor it. There is no obligation to be with someone who makes what you feel are unreasonable or unhealthy requests, but unreasonable and unhealthy requests do not provide a justification for lies or false promises.
I believe we’re saying very much the same thing overall.
We do mostly agree that people can consent to a “bad” deal. I have no problem in theory with men giving up X,Y, and Z for X. I’d caution though that in the context of a relationship mismatch agreements lopsidedly favoring one partner is going to eventually breed resentment especially if the lopsided agreements tend to only go one way. Not a disagreement. Only a caution.
And you are spot on.
I had meant her willingly getting a massage in a non-genital spot that is still erogenous to her to achieve orgasm purposely, instead of it happening by a lucky coincidence.
My friend told me she has this magic spot on her lower back, she literally orgasms 100% when it is massaged. So if she went to a masseuse and knew she’d orgasm from it, would you consider that cheating or just genitalia contact?
Sorry, I had meant this. Woman knows she orgasms from lower back touching, she goes to a masseuse and purposely allows them to massage that area for orgasm, the masseuse doesn’t have to know she can orgasm from it since it’s probably rare. Personally I think it’s cheating even though there isn’t genital contact. If she wasn’t going there for it and it just happened, I wouldn’t think it was cheating.
To the others who think this question is ludicrous or trolling, learn something about human sexuality. People don’t need “sexual”/genital contact to orgasm.
“Personally I think it’s cheating even though there isn’t genital contact. If she wasn’t going there for it and it just happened, I wouldn’t think it was cheating. ” Sometimes I think we look for trouble and of course if you spend your life looking for something, you’ll undoubtedly find it. People start talking about emotionally cheating as cheating. People talk about porn use as cheating or “eye rape” because you looked at a woman and thought she was pretty as rape. At some point people just need to chill. We tell people who diet or exercise that they need… Read more »
Yes!
It’s not the actual act of having an orgasm that’s the issue. It’s the intent and how it is achieved. If my husband went for a back massage and ended up having an orgasm, I would be intrigued. If he went for a massage and paid her to sexually stimulate him, I would kick him to the curb as he would do to me. It’s a mutual agreement.
Agreed, Kyla. Well explained.
Thanks, great explanation.
“What amazes me more than anything is how the majority of the men I have discussed this issue with have either defended the practice as completely innocent or have felt ambivalent about whether or not it should raise any concerns.” Wow!!! That is truly unbelievable. Another woman giving a man a hand job is not cheating? Absurd. I wonder if these men would feel the same if another man in a massage house gave their wife or girlfriend a Big O? This reminds me of a book I read by an author who once contributed here on GMP. In this… Read more »