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I was at a fabulous dinner party at the home of my friends Sharon and Frank. We began with a delicate roasted cauliflower soup drizzled with a smoked cumin and coriander puree, and every course was better than the last. But what I’ve been digesting is something my friend Kathleen shared during our conversation about “relationships”. Her elderly aunt once told her, “Don’t marry someone for their good qualities, marry them for their faults. ”
What sage advice. It’s easy to live with our partner’s good qualities obviously, but you have to be able to embrace their bad ones too.
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Today I sat down to make a list of the faults that I knew my husband had before I said, “I do.”
- He doesn’t make a fuss about my birthday. He believes me when I tell him I don’t want anything special.
- He doesn’t recycle. We look like hoarders albeit intelligent ones with everything from the New Yorker to Downbeat occupying every square inch of our home.
- He is slow in the kitchen. I can make a four course meal in the time it takes him to chop an onion. And he only starts to open the bottle of wine after we sit down for dinner.
- He doesn’t stress about money. I live in fear of having to eat cat food in our old age whereas he doesn’t see a problem—hence his addiction to books, magazines, CD’s, etc. And he never buys anything on sale.
- He doesn’t argue. He would rather avoid conflict, as is the Anglo way (which is in direct conflict with my own fiery cultural background). We have never had make-up sex.
Ok, that was cathartic.
Let me share something with you. There are a few things on the list above that drive me past the point of sanity. Take the first bullet. I stop talking to my husband on December 31st every year in anticipation that he will muck up another one of my January 3rd birthdays. I pout until January 17th and say “nothing” when he repeatedly asks in a very concerned voice, “What’s wrong?” (Yes, he really is that daft.)
“I was well aware of his “faults” before going into marriage, and clearly they weren’t deal breakers then.”
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But as I look at this list of my husband’s faults starkly laid out in black and white, perhaps I should view them in the new light of Kathleen’s aunt’s advice. I was well aware of his “faults” going into my marriage, and clearly they weren’t deal breakers then. So why do I make a federal case out of them now?
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Some of his faults speak more to my intolerance than his shortcomings. Should there really be a competition for who can chop an onion quicker? And other faults could be re-packaged as endearing ones like his passion for music and literature (even if it means he only recycles when we can’t find our dog and we suspect she’s pinned under an avalanche of New Yorker magazines).
When we decide to marry, we gush about our partner’s great qualities. But, how many of us take critical stock of our partner’s “bad” ones—and marry them not despite them but because of them? It’s more than semantics. It’s a subtle shift in our psychology that can make a big difference to our emotional connection.
My birthday is coming up. Perhaps I should just tell him I really do want a fuss!
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Originally published in The Relationship Deal
Image ID: 1455545726
What? Those are miniscule listings. They barely qualify as faults to me. A fault, in this context, is something like “a detriment to a partner’s livelihood in a potentially destructive manner”, generally, something like cheating repeatedly, doing hard drugs, spiteful, antagonistic behavior, being disrespectful(that, eventually, turns into resentment), not honoring a partner’s wishes, especially the lack of accountability for a person’s own actions, and choosing dignity over integrity. Faults are almost deal breakers, but the hope from other character traits act as a buffer to take a chance.
This is really great. Thank you.
Hello,
Its a great topic to be discuss and here you describe your thought very beautiful.
Omg, tell the man you’d really love something special for your birthday!
I really enjoyed this article. I do agree with the sentiment that we should assess our significant others for their faults and walk into the future with our eyes wide open with acceptance. Some of what you mentioned, however, is perspective. I mean, the audacity of your husband to believe your lie that you don’t want a fuss! My girlfriend of two years used to outright lie about little things and then use them against me, days later–because I did not decipher her cryptic messages. She prided herself on being an excellent communicator, but she really wasn’t. Very passive aggressive.… Read more »
“He doesn’t make a fuss about my birthday…”
My husband can’t even remember his own birthday, so I have given up on him remembering mine or anniversaries…so at the beginning of the birthday or anniversary month, I remind him and ask him and my son what we should do to celebrate….it’s more fun that way than stewing in silence!