Contrary to popular belief, Chad Welch doesn’t want to be complemented just for meeting the minimal requirements of parenting either.
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As a stay-at-home dad, I have a lot of friends who are stay-at-home moms. They are my peers. I’ve exchanged kid watching with them. We’ve joked about poop together. Our families have broken bread together.
But recently there has been a little flare up of stay-at-home moms upset about the seemingly high praise and low standards afforded to stay-at-home dads.
I get it. You see us in the grocery store and some woman comments on how great it is that dad is out with the kids. Meanwhile, you are on your second grocery trip of the day because your husband just invited his boss over so you have to pick up extra food and your 6 year old just took off down the isle with a box of Captain Crunch screaming “Ahoy thar captain!” And you think, where is my pat on the back? Why is he getting recognition for cruising the store once with his kid while I am here nearly every damn day?!
The truth is, we don’t enjoy the lowered expectations. We do not take them as compliments on our great parenting ability. We consider them condescending.
It would be like every time you went to the drive through pharmacy to pick up another med for an ear infection and the man at the window said, “It is so great your husband lets you drive all by yourself.” If that would make you want to reach through the window and strangle that guy, you know how we feel.
We don’t want to be complemented on meeting the minimal requirements of parenting. We don’t think our contributions are somehow greater because of our gender either. We are your peers. We know what it is like to have to function after staying up all night cleaning up vomit from a sick kid. We know what it is like to spend a day doing 6 loads of laundry knowing that it is only going to reappear. We know what it is like to declare pizza night because at some point, even if you like to cook, the daily grind of coming up with a healthy meal every single night is too much.
We are the few men in the world who know what your job is like. We are you colleagues. We want respect for all parents who stay home full time, not just the dads.
And while seeing us in the media may make you “rage vomit” you need to understand that we are working from a media deficit. It may seem like we are being praised for doing what mothers have been doing for ages, but it is because we have been portrayed as totally incompetent of taking care of kids for ages that we are newsworthy. Still today making fun of dads is Nick Mom’s bread and butter for laughs.
Our society has been so bombarded with these images so when they see a dad taking care of his own kids without them losing a limb, it is like seeing sasquatch.
We want people to realize dads are not incompetent. We want people to raise their expectations of fathers. The only way for that to happen is for people to see us in our communities. Some-times that means we end up on the front page of your local newspapers.
We know how much work staying at home is. We do it everyday. We don’t devalue women who have taken on the same role we have. We are your allies in wanting respect for those who choose to stay home and raise other human beings. Why a stay-at-home mom would choose to devalue a man doing the same job is beyond me.
Parenting doesn’t have to be a competition.
So instead of starting a new war between stay-at-home moms and stay-at-home dads; instead of referring to a dad taking care of his kids as “momming”; instead of getting worked up into a frenzy about the next article to talk about stay-at-home dads, let’s meet at the park, let the kids play and talk about how you get those damned ketchup stains out.
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Photos by Graham Richardson / Flickr / Creative Commons License
We are all working towards the same goal. To raise our children in an safe, nurturing and stable environment. The growth and potential demonstrated in their good works, are our rewards. Let’s all be thankful and just be HAPPY….
Well said Chad. I have been in the same situation and I think I deal with it better now that we have 3 kids. I just remind myself that the most important judges are my children and my partner and then I feel better. The day is too busy and short to get taken down by people I hardly know.