Relationship strategist Sue Nador says that when the dishes pile up so do the resentments, and she offers some ideas for avoiding that trap.
Here’s an interesting factoid about stay at home dads (SAHDs). They are five times more likely to have affairs than other men. One hypothesis is, feeling emasculated by not being the primary breadwinner, they sleep around to prove they are still macho. Interesting theory but I have my doubts, and here’s why.
According to research from the Pew Center SAHDs do 15 hours fewer combined hours of childcare and housework a week than their stay at home mom counterparts. More significantly, they work about 25 fewer hours per week than their working spouse, performing only four more hours of housework and two additional hours of childcare. Their leisure time is almost double.
Have you connected the dots yet?
It is possible that SAHDs are really uber-efficient and get through their workday quick as bunnies. With all the extra time on their hands, why wouldn’t they enjoy a bit of extracurricular hanky panky before the kids need to be picked up from daycare and their spouse walks in the door? Plus, perhaps the sexual sparks aren’t flying at home so they now have both the need and the opportunity to fulfill their carnal desires off the ranch.
What interests me—and what should interest every couple—is why there might not be sexual sparks at home.
It is a proven fact that resentment is a libido killer. And it is no secret that there is often resentment between the stay at home parent and their working spouse irrespective of whether it is the mom or the dad that stays home. Resentment happens between partners who don’t meet each others’ expectations. And perceptions about not pulling enough weight vis-à-vis housework or childcare whether the partner is doing paid work outside the home or unpaid work inside it is a deal breaker.
It is easy to think one’s partner has the sweeter deal. It is human nature to believe the grass is greener on the other side.
The working partner may resent their stay at home spouse for not contributing financially and not having to endure the stress of work. They may feel jealous their partner gets to hang out with other parents at Gymboree. They feel they are carrying more than enough weight and shouldn’t be expected to start a second shift at the end of their working day. They may wonder, “What the heck did my partner do all day? The place is a mess, the kids are running around like savages, and dinner is nowhere in sight.”
The stay at home parent may see things differently. They may resent their working partner for getting to spend all day with adults who don’t throw fistfuls of macaroni at the wall, and who get to enjoy a latte in peace. They believe they are making a sacrifice to support their partner’s professional success and that they didn’t sign up to be a house elf. They may ask themselves, “Why is my partner taking me for granted thinking the stay at home job is a 24/7 deal. If I don’t get a break I will go insane.”
Who is right? Both sides make valid points so it is easy to see how problems can seep into the relationship. No one likes to feel they are being used or that their efforts are not being appreciated. What’s the solution then?
Here’s my idea. Couples should craft a job description for the stay at home parent together. The job description could list key accountabilities, as well as hours of work. If couples took the time to do this or at least talk about it, their respective expectations could be made more transparent, disconnects resolved, and a reasonable deal stuck before differences of opinion lead to resentment later.
Here are a few considerations in thinking through the relationship deal between a stay-at-home parent and their working spouse:
- What are the priority accountabilities of the stay at home parent? Is the focus on “childcare” such as playing and educating the child, or is it on “housework” such as cooking, cleaning, family finances, while taking care of the kids?
- How do the stay at home parent’s responsibilities shift when their spouse walks in the door at the end of the day? Is the working parent expected to “take over” (a change is as good as a rest) or have they earned the right to do only the “fun” stuff like play with the kids?
- Does the role of the stay at home parent have a termination date? Is the plan to stay home until the kids are in college, or does it end once the kids start school? What responsibilities does the stay at home parent have to maintain their technical knowledge and professional connections to make their transition back to work possible?
There are many ways to do the job of a stay at home parent. The role should be defined collaboratively in the context of the couple’s unique priorities and values. “That’s not in my job description” is not something we want to say to the person we love.
—modified photo Daniel Lobo / Flickr Creative Commons
Since when do you need facts to know that a woman working 40 hours a week in a draining capitalist workforce isn’t going to be excited to give her man a blowjob? Well, when men aren’t getting blowjobs , they’re thinking about where they can get them.
Dead bedrooms is why men cheat and they always will. If you’re not having sex, you don;’t have a relationship.
As a trained researcher who has authored academic papers, I find it inexcusable that proper references have not been cited, especially with a sensational statistic that appears to reek of misandry. Was it a cross-sectional study? A longitudinal study? What was the study size? Was the study accurately powered? This may seem pedantic but poor research is very damaging, and irresponsible. I like your blog, but citations are important.
When commenting on any demographic trend it is wise to use relevant data to support one’s conclusions (opinions). Ms. Nador, the study I believe you refer to: Men more likely to cheat if they are economically dependent on their female partners, study finds- American Sociological Association, Aug 2010. The description of the study participants reads as follows: ..the study, which examined 18- to 28-year-old married and cohabitating respondents who were in the same relationship for more than a year, men who were completely dependent on their female partner’s income were five times more likely to cheat than men who contributed… Read more »
Let’s see …. for years men were portrayed as these oppressive jerks who abused their wives while sitting around drinking beer and watching sports. Men/dads were perceived as being inept to basic child care. The same people who described men/dads in this manner are now seeing that men are/were not as described. So I guess it’s time to knock men down yet again? Yay, men are taking the role of primary child caregivers BUT look!?!?! They’re still jerks, 5 times more likely to have affairs!!! See, men are inferior no matter what. Damned if ya do and damned if ya… Read more »
Sue Nador,
Please cite your research. You are making novel claims and supporting them with research you are not letting your readers evaluate. Without citations, your article lacks integrity.
A casual Google search returned no studies substantiating any of your purported facts.
Upon reading this opinion piece again. I am struck with the volume of questionable data “statistics”, I feel compelled to speak out. To my knowledge there are no research studies detailing any behaviors cited in your opinion piece. My question is, what study showed that a SAHD is 5x more likely to engage in an extra marital affair? I am not aware of any such study. If there is not one dealing with SAHDs with children, I believe you should pull this piece because it is sheer and utter nonsense.
I couldn’t even finish this article before having to call bullshit. These “studies” on how SAHDs and SAHMs spend their time are not studies at all. The people who answer get to determine the stats they put in. I’ve seen this a few years back in which a lot of moms (and some dads) bloggers admitted that they pretty much included everything they did in the amount of hours they work around the home. While most of the men only responded with the hours spent directly with parenting related activities. On the whole, I work more now that I’m at… Read more »
This women is a ‘Relationship Strategist (whatever that is) and she comes to the table with a ‘men can’t keep it in they’re pants’ attitude? A little biased right from the get go, no?
Putting an assertion within the title as a forgone conclusion is a handy trick for overlooking the obviously faulty “fact” right from the start. I’d love to see a study proving what you have gleaned from a hodge-podge of data and with variables so plentiful as to make the hypothesis completely irrelevant. I’m a stay home dad, you know what I want? A nap. There are at home parents who have affairs, there aer working parents who have affairs, there are working parents who have affairs with at-home parents and vice-versa. Your article leads to furthering the stereotypes that men… Read more »
There is absolutely no truth to your assertion that “SAHDs are 5 times more likely to have affairs than other men.”
Chad Welch above has the likely source for your “factoid.” The study was on 18-28 year old men and no where does it state any of them are fathers.
Correlation doesn’t mean causation. Could be one causes the other, but maybe not. If SAHD’s are more likely to have affairs, that doesn’t meant that being a stay-at-home dad causes affairs or allows affairs. It could be that men who become stay-at-home dads are men who are more likely to have affairs. Maybe the same things that drive them to become SAHD’s also drives them to have affairs at higher rates. Also, we’d need to know WHEN they had their affairs. Did they have affairs before they were stay at home dads, or during? Let’s also be realistic about “opportunities”… Read more »
5+ years sahd. Not one extra kiss or any other extramarital activity. It comes down to personal integrity and commitment. Since sahds numbers are still quite small, it might appear large percentages of “us” are getting it all over the place. I doubt the validity of the sample data and it’s conclusions. Making generalized statements as fact without either conducting the research or at least reviewing “reputable sources is irresponsible.
So it looks like the infidelity numbers come from a study “The Effect of Relative Income Disparity on Infidelity for Men and Women” by then Cornell sociology doctoral candidate Christin Munsch. “The study, which examined 18- to 28-year-old married and cohabitating respondents who were in the same relationship for more than a year, men who were completely dependent on their female partner’s income were five times more likely to cheat than men who contributed an equal amount of money to the partnership. The relationship between economic dependence and infidelity disappeared when age, education level, income, religious attendance, and relationship satisfaction… Read more »
That’s better than this article, but it is not a paper, with a clear detailed methodology.
I still call BS on the 1:5 ratio.
That paper examined data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, which examines particular cohorts of students. It’s interesting that the ration of men to women she examined is 2:3, suggesting that in the NLSY97 women were 50% more likely to be in a long-term relationship during the study period than men.
Also, overlooked was that there was an increased probability of infidelity among women making more money than their male partner. While it is a reputable survey, the study methodology in NLSY97 is subject to a particular bias which skews responses around sexual behavior, one I don’t believe they correct for at all (perhaps they will in the next cohort).
The PEW Center has never been to my house. Now excuse me while I go clean the bathroom.
No, but the US Census has, which is where they source their data. Note the factoid about infidelity rates does not appear to have been taken from a Pew Report.
Have you ever even talked with a stay-at-home parent? Doesn’t seem like you know your subject very well.
Sorry mistyped my Twitter handle
@MrBBDaddy
You lost me at “factoid” and I only rad the first paragraph until my resentments piled up too high.
But then:
1. Who cares? My relationship with my wife is not influenced by statistics or “research”.
2. Where do these numbers come from? They sound pretty damn made up to me.
3. How do you really know if someone cheats? Has the researcher followed a random sampling with a private investigator? Or are SAHD’s more likely to admit cheating.
If you’re a SAHD, why in the hell are your kids at daycare? Sorry, but someone also needs to question these ‘results’ from the ‘PEW Center’. Twice as much leisure time? 25 hours less work a week? Are you out of your mind? What world is this?
They cheat when they work, they cheat when they stay home… how about they just keep it in their pants and deal with what isn’t working or get out. Ugh… Actually, I have a better idea. — why don’t both parents go to work and participate in taking care of the family and home; everyone is fulfilled, therefore, no reason to be resentful. But I guess they will cheat because they have no more stress ’cause any excuse will do.
“They” meaning men, right?
Women cheat almost as much as men, which is why I’d also be interested to find the source showing a 5:1 infidelity ratio. There are a number of studies that have demonstrated that women lie more about cheating, or round it down to “not cheating” because it was only oral or the relationship was unstable at the time or it was payback for him cheating, etc. When studies asked about specific acts (oral sex) at specific times (in a relationship your partner assumes is monogamous) the rates of self-reported infidelity go up for women. Likewise, how a woman was asked… Read more »
Yes, I spotted that, too. The math seems kind of screwy. Just like the usual stats about teen sex, where 25% of girls have it but 75% of boys have it or something like that. Women are mostly faithful, except for the few who are wildly unfaithful? Sounds like the usual madonna/whore stuff.
5:1 means that 80% of the time these men are cheating with women who are not stay-at-home moms. Where are these guys meeting these women? Where are these masses of working women looking to hook up with dads?
Stay at home moms?
There are a lot more stay at home mums.
20 dads
80 mums
5 affairs
25% dads having affairs
6.25% mums having affairs
4:1 ratio
The ratio though was between stay at home dads and all men. The author claimed SAHDs were five times more likely to have an affair than men in general. I don’t know if the claim is for lifetime incidence (which seems highly implausible – to make the numbers work pretty much all SAHDs would have to be cheaters) or for the duration of their staying at home, but I can’t find any studies to support it. There have been studies that show men earning less income than women is correlated to higher rates of infidelity among men, but not 5x… Read more »
Unless they are gay/bi and most are not….who are all these guys cheating with? It’s kind of a 1:1 ratio on average ….. So men brag and women deny……. The cultural idea that men are less good/noble/kind than women are is sexism……and typically wrong….. at least on the macro level.
With all due respect, not buying any of this.
Thank you! I was beginning to think, “holy shit! Here I am home to day with the Wife at work and I have no “extracurricular hanky panky” scheduled! I mean, I don’t even have any kids to pick up (all grown up)! I really must spend more time on “connecting dots”. Maybe if I hit the senior center, I can still get licky!
Typo! should read lucky (although ‘licky’ should appeal to many)
That said, the numbers do show a discrepancy in the amount of time men and women spend on household chores and childcare when they are the stay at home parent. They don’t include house/yard maintenance because that would make longitudinal comparisons invalid.
Doesn’t the omission of any responsibility (yard work) that takes time away from the other responsibilities ( house work/child care) make the finding invalid? The way this is presented we are to assume that time not spent working is leisure. I shoveled our driveway for an hour today. That took me away from the kids and I wasn’t doing house work but it wasn’t leisure.
Leisure time was tabulated separately, there was no inference that if you weren’t working you were therefore spending that time on leisure activities. Most of this data is from the census long form where you’re asked to estimate how much time you spend on a whole list of activities. What’s also interesting to note is how the numbers have shifted over the years. Mothers spend far more time on childcare than fathers do, but that’s in part because mothers spend far more time on childcare than mothers used to. Instead of shifting the time savings on housework to leisure activities,… Read more »
Or as it is self reported……just maybe they want to be seen as “supermom” instead of the mom playing candycrush will the kids watch TV?
They didn’t ask that question in 1965, so you can’t compare the modern answers with the old ones if you include it.
Also in that survey men do more total work, even when you exclude yard work.
Can’t find the source for the infidelity figures.
The source for the work discrepancy is Modern Parenthood – Roles of Moms and Dads Converge as They Balance Work and Family and it looks like she may have misinterpreted the numbers.
The figures in the link are what I would expect.
Both parents put in about 50 hrs a week total work, with men spending more time at work, and women doing more housework and childcare. In 1965 it was an extreeme divide, and in 2011 has become much more equal, but is not equal yet.
Pure conjecture, but wouldn’t there be a higher percentage of stay at home mums for the stay at home dad to meet and therefore has a higher chance of meeting someone they click with?
I think the real question is: why are men constantly shopping heedlessly around for ever-new sources of sex/other services even when their marriage is currently functional and the people who love/depend on them will be damaged by their choice to sleep around? Maybe the real issue here is the long history of acceptance towards men’s feelings of entitlement or lack of concern for their families.
Maybe you and he have different ideas on what “functional” means.
Fair enough question, sister, but that doesn’t explain why some men are more likely to cheat than others.
If this is some big problem with all men, then why does cheating happen way more in some groups than others?
I totally agree that stay at home dads ARE around a lot more stay at home moms and this is probably a major contributor to higher level of infidelity. We don’t have many social rules for this new kind of mixing. It is difficult for men and women to be friends with each other – especially when both are attractive. The women are trying to not exclude the stay at home dads from their playdates, etc., or even just friendly conversation in the preschool pick-up line. And when you throw attraction in with a couple of adults who may have… Read more »
The roles are simply reversed.
Instead of the married mom fucking the gym trainer or yoga instructor, you have the husband out schtupping other married moms AND/OR the single women in the gym or yoga class. Why he might even be doing the next door neighbor. The possibilities are endless just as with the married stay-at-home mom.
Interesting thought piece. I do believe Sue has hit the proverbial nail on the head in how men & women should communicate the roles & responsibilities of whats expected, For the record – I am a SAHD.
Oh oh, according to Ms. Nador, if you’re efficient with time on your hands, you’re probably engaging in “extracurricular hanky lanky”. I mean, just “connect the dots” man!