In parenting, what is the appropriate distance to allow between yourself and your child?
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Our son is nearing four years old. He’s just three months away. At this point, not only has he mastered walking and talking, he’s doing Tae Kwon Do, playing soccer, and riding his scooter like it’s got a turbo engine. All this means that where once he couldn’t go anywhere without us, now we (my wife and I) are scrambling to keep up.
The upside of this is that it’s clear that our son is growing and asserting his independence. The downside is that at not quite four-years-old, he’s still not ready to move into his own apartment, pay his own bills, and fend for himself. So, it begs the question: what is the proper distance to parent from?
It is a question fraught with peril. Too close, and you risk being a “Helicopter Parent” hovering over your child and potentially stunting his or her growth, not to mention blowing debris everywhere with your twirling rotors and irritating everyone in the vicinity with the “whup-whup-whup” noise (or similar din) that you’re creating. Too far, and you can be accused of not being a parent any longer but, rather, just an adult who happens to be sitting in the same playground as the kids (which is creepy at best).
So, how do you gauge? There’s no slide-rule that allows you to graph age on one axis versus parental distance on the other. Each child is unique – like a snowflake (that throws tantrums), so the amount of air between parent and child depends on the child.
More accurately, though, the space between parent and child depends as much or more on the parent. Some of us are better at letting go and trusting our kids. Others of us are afraid that if we let go of a hand absolute catastrophe will ensue. I’m not saying I’m in one camp or the other, but I do know that I’m running through my sneakers trying to keep up with our son and keep him from running off into the sunset.
Still, it makes one wonder what is the appropriate distance to allow between yourself and your child. Clearly one inch is too close in most instances while one mile is obviously way too far. But, must you always be within one arm’s-length?
I’m thinking of proposing the year-to-foot ratio. In other words, if your child is three, you need to be within three feet or less of your child. If he or she is four, you need to be within four feet or less, and so on.
The beauty of this ratio is that unless you’re really tall and have strangely long arms, this age-to-feet-away ratio leaves you always just far enough away that you are almost forced to let your child deal with other kids in the playground who might cause some tension. Yet, at the same time, you’re close enough that if you need to jump in you can (and you’re not so far away that doing so means you have to come running and do a flying dropkick).
The only problem is that my formula doesn’t account for real independence. As a toddler parent, my plan is always to be within one Olympic long-jump or less of our son. But, what happens when he reaches that age when he wants to start going places without me? Thankfully, we’re not there yet, but I know it’s coming. As sure as night follows day, I know there will be a time when our son looks at me and tells me that my services at chaperone are unneeded and, worse yet, unwanted.
I don’t quite know yet how to handle that, but I’m working on a new parent-to-child-spacing ratio for that day. I’m thinking of calling it the “child-income-to-space” ratio. In other words, our son is free to go somewhere without me when he can afford the Emergency Room deductible and the rent on his own apartment. Until then, I’m the Secret Service, and he’s POTUS.
Photo: Ian-Arlett/Flickr