Steven Lake knows that men and women often communicate differently, but that doesn’t mean they’ll never be able to understand one another.
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Women marry men hoping they will change. They don’t.
Men marry women hoping they won’t change. They do.
— Bettin Arndt
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“The battle of the sexes.” We’ve all heard this euphemism and like all states of war – fear, misunderstanding and lack of communication are contributing factors. Conflict between men and women is as old as history itself. In the cartoon Non Sequitur, Wiley humorously points out this schism. Imagine a cave. Sitting on a couple of rocks at the mouth of the cave are a Neanderthal man and woman chewing on some Mastodon bones. She says: “We never talk.” He thinks: “Aw, jeez . . . I knew it was too good to last.” Cartoon caption: Man’s Development of Speech.
Fast forward to contemporary scientific explanations for communication differences between men and women and what do we find? Evolutionary psychologists have a theory that because men had to be quiet on “The Hunt” to avoid being eaten and capture game, silence was an essential survival skill. Those men unable to be quiet were eliminated – natural selection. Thus, the silent types survived and passed on this trait genetically. While women, who were at the camp tending the fire and looking after children, developed their capacity to communicate and enhance relationship. Ergo, men are quiet and women talkative.
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I can hear the women reading this article remonstrating that men not only talk but often dominate conversation. This is one obvious weakness in the psycho-evolutionary perspective. It doesn’t mesh with reality. Countervailing theories focus on the cultural aspects to explain our differences. In other words, how are boys and girls raised and what are they taught to believe and how to behave.
Typically, girls play in small groups or with one friend and spend much of their time talking and tend to downplay hierarchal differences. Boys, on the other hand, play in larger groups, emphasize differences to point out dominance, and use words to negotiate status by displays of knowledge. This leads to girls growing up using talk to create connections and boys growing up and using talk to emphasize status.
In adulthood, women downplay their expertise in mixed groups while men play up their expertise, challenge others and fight for control. Women are also more willing to ask questions and men make more statements. Have you ever wondered why men will not ask for directions when lost? It is because we are socialized into believing that asking for help is an issue of power dynamics and puts us in the “one down” position. It is the same thing with apologizing – men hate doing it. To admit being wrong is so distasteful that men will often make up facts to justify their position in an argument.
Where does this lead us? Men and women approach conversation from different orientations, rules and assumptions. Spoken language communicates feelings, ideas, and negotiates relationships simultaneously. Is it any wonder that there are difficulties? The definition of ‘communicate’ is to succeed in conveying information or evoking understanding. It appears to me that men are focused on conveying information and women on evoking understanding. We each hold half the key and effective communication requires both elements to be successful.
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Here are some helpful tips. Men: 1) Stop, 2) Look, and 3) Listen. This may sound simple but I can assure you it will take conscious effort. Stop whatever it is you are doing when talking to a woman (e.g., stop watching TV). Look her in the eyes, which sends the message that you are paying attention. Listen to what she has to say – without interrupting. If you are not sure when she is finished talking, ask. And for heaven’s sake, don’t offer solutions. Finally, see if you can identify her feelings and, when it is your turn to talk, demonstrate empathy.
Women: 1) Say upfront what you want from him. For example, “I just want you to listen” or “I need a hug.” 2) Be direct. Don’t say, “Honey, what’s that funny smell” meaning – take out the garbage. Ask directly, or the answer will be, “The garbage, why?” 3) Be assertive. Insist on being heard even if you do not get agreement. You have a right to your opinion.
Remember, the whole point of communication is to increase understanding and enhance your relationship. Despite what some people say, men and women are from earth. We have different perspectives but with a little effort can learn from each other. Happy communicating!
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Image: radical.librarian/Flickr
As MM says, it is important for ALL of us to Stop, Look and Listen, AND to be clear about what is important to us, and find respectful ways to be heard. My experience over more than 30 years of facilitating on topics such as emotional intelligence and leadership, is that when men and women get clear about their developmental edge, most often men focus on stop, look and listen, and women on learning to identify and address their needs/want. Also Steven, probably a decade ago, you shared the language and some stories about Stop, Look and Listen with me.… Read more »
As MM says, it is important for ALL of us to Stop, Look and Listen, AND to be clear about what is important to us, and find respectful ways to be heard. My experience over more than 30 years of facilitating on topics such as emotional intelligence and leadership, is that when men and women get clear about their developmental edge, most often men focus on stop, look and listen, and women on learning to identify and address their needs/want. Also Steven, probably a decade ago, you shared the language and some stories about Stop, Look and Listen with me.… Read more »
If that man of this family know the days producing and the months that can gate son or daughter is the best future for the families over the world.
I want to exp-lend and saw that way to new families.
Remember, the whole point of communication is to increase understanding and enhance your relationship.
Regarding your 3 tips to men and women, respectively:
Yes, as a man, being in totally attentative to your woman may enhance your relationship, at least in some aspect and for some period of time.
But in order to increase understanding, wouldn’t that actually require also the woman to listen every once in a while, too?
Or is the prerequisit for understanding a one-way street only?
As far as I understand it, he outlines things that both men AND women can do to enhance communication between them, according to men and women’s typical communication styles. (Although I would argue that many, many people’s communication styles do not speak to gender stereotypes.) Listening without interrupting is something that, in general, women supposedly do better than men, just like being up-front and direct is more typical of men’s communication style, and so would be something women should strive to become better at. The fact that he is encouraging men to listen, and not explcitly including women, can probably… Read more »
MM,
Men might dominate conversation in public. But it’s the rare relationship I have witnessed where the man dominates the domestic conversation and the woman actually listen to him.
Also, since the article has 3 specific tips for enhancing communication directly adressed at men AND women, respectively, it seems strange to argue that it was written specifically for men..
MM you have got it precisely.
It goes both ways.