Stop Saying That You’re A Great Lover

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About Alyssa Royse

Alyssa is freelance writer, speaker and sex-educator living in Seattle with her husband and their 3 daughters. She is the former host of Sexxx Talk Radio on The Progressive Radio Network and is the co-founder of, a site dedicated to empowered women's sexuality. She can also be found on her eponymous blog, where she pontificates about food, family, politics and the Seattle rain. Yes, she would love to speak at your event, host a workshop or write something for you. Just ask.


  1. Joanna Schroeder says:

    I love this SO MUCH.

    I have never in my life been with someone who declared themselves a “great lover” who did anything other than put on a big show in bed featuring only moves seen in porn that are guaranteed to be totally unsatisfying in real life.

    • TOTALLY. EVERY TIME someone has told me that they are great in bed, and I took them up on the offer to find out, I have been disappointed. (It didn’t take long before such a declaration was enough of a bad sign that I didn’t bother to find out.) But those guys who listened, who shared their thoughts – no matter the subject, did both those things – those guys have turned out to be the best lovers.

      It’s interesting, but as i got older, when a potential lover would ask me what I liked sexually, I would realize that I didn’t even have an answer, really. I would tell them that I have never had sex with THEM, so I don’t know what will feel good with them. Even what I am into changed. There are a few things that I know I either do or don’t like, but everything else as been REALLY dependent on the partner. (Except my belly button. I really do not like having my belly button played with.)

      • Theorema Egregium says:

        Franly, Alyssa, I don’t get it: Why do you make statements in the comments (here, and below as reply to Will) that blatantly contradict the message of your very good article?

        When I hear someone say that their lover just can’t figure out how to please them, I hear, “I am too lazy and cruel to tell my lovers what I want, I just let them flounder instead.”

        And now here you write how you basically are that very person, refusing to tell your lover how to please you.

  2. I have never said it and I figured I would not even agree to it unless I am told several times. Fortunately I have but I still don’t say it.

  3. It starts with a great coach.

  4. Heres how to be a great lover:

    1. Be creative
    2. Be generous and unselfish
    3. Prioritize your partner over yourself
    4. Get rid of all your stupid squeamish sexual hang-ups and self-imposed limits

    • Absolutely 100% spot-on! ;)

      • Theorema Egregium says:

        Remember that sex is for everyone involved.

        So you wrote. But maybe that was a mistake and what you really mean is that sex is only for your partner, and never for you? Prioritize your partner, be unselfish, that is 100% spot on.

        You know, I prefer that my partner and me enjoy sex equally, but I guess that makes me a horrible lover then.

    • Theorema Egregium says:

      No, just no!

      3) Prioritize your partner over yourself? So you mean the way to be a great lover is to have no fun yourself, right? Like, be a self-sacrificing white knight type?
      4) So if you feel uncomfortable with something, just go ahead regardless? So basically a great lover is someone who lets him-/herself be raped? That’s fantastic.

      But I would assume you only expect men to be unselfish, think only of their partner, and ignore their own limits. Of course you don’t mean women, because then it would be viciously misogynistic, wouldn’t it?

      • So just to clarify, NOTHING I said suggests the things you are complaining about. In several places I mention that ALL parties need to discuss what they want and need, and are responsible for being clear about it. That was the first point. The point immediately following it was that you have to be compatible, meaning that your wants and needs have to align. If they don’t, then all parties involve deserve to find compatible partners. Then I said you have to listen to your partner and taking their feelings into account, which would mean NOT doing things that hurt them and they don’t want.

        But, perhaps most importantly to me, I never said anything about gender of anyone involved, and I never would. In fact, gender is never mentioned even once in this entire article.

        Do not do something you don’t want to do. Do not expect your partner to do things they don’t want to do. Find compatible partners and communicate clearly with them.

        But yes, as your sexuality evolves and your relationships change, do go forward and explore your sexuality openly, with compassion, communication, curiosity AND CONSENT.

  5. In general, people that boast about themselves in the sak, or anywhere else, sound like they’re more concerned with convincing themselves or you, or both, that they are great, which is just unappealing and almost pathetic. Nothing is more convincing than modesty self-imposed imo.

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