How I stopped beating up on myself and started loving me.
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In about one month I will be 38 years old, and I feel great about it. This is a milestone in my life, not because I am alive and a year older, but because I am finally at peace with who I am. I can finally say that I love myself, that I am enough. It took a long time to get here.
All my life I have felt as if I was missing something. Talent, looks, smarts – books and street, I felt like I was not all together. I don’t know why I thought this way. My Mother, Grandparents, and Father always gave positive reinforcement, telling me how special and great I was, but for some reason, I never believed it. I always felt I lacked something and would constantly compare myself to everyone. If someone had a better grade in class, I would strive to match them. When I read about people seeing the entire world by 35, I would set a goal to travel the globe by 30. I was always in a rush, thinking that I only had a finite amount to time to work and create. I didn’t want to be old and great; there is nothing special about that! I wanted to be young and on top of the world! While these concerns motivated me to accomplish my goals, I never felt satisfied. There was a bottomless pit of challenges and targets I could never feed. When was I going to be okay with who I am, what I have done, where I am at?
When I would attempt to work on different projects and sometimes succeed or fail, it brought me no solace. I would look at the next person, be it peers or folk that I idolize and see that they have done it faster, at a younger age, or better, and I would be down on myself
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When I think back to where this thought originated from, it could be because I grew up poor. We didn’t have a lot and because of that, I became insecure at a very young age and would try to overcompensate by working my butt off and setting a high standard for who I am. I would read about the most accomplished folks, how they came from nothing and used that as fuel to become something. How great business people and artists had a hunger to be the very best at what they did. Nothing fulfilled them. For some this would be a recipe for success, but when you are racing against something you know in your heart you will never beat, it consumes you to no end. When I would attempt to work on different projects and sometimes succeed or fail, it brought me no solace. I would look at the next person, be it peers or folk that I idolize and see that they have done it faster, at a younger age, or better, and I would be down on myself. I would isolate and figure out how I could be better. This mire of “Not good enough” I swam daily.
At age 32, the high expectations that I placed on myself as well as comparing myself to others started to wear down on me. I was still getting things done, but there was no sense of achievement in it for me. I was on my way to completing my first book and had done even more traveling, still I didn’t feel like I had done enough. It was not until I stepped outside of myself and looked at everything that I developed perspective. I was on a beach in Nicaragua and I just paused. I watched the water flow back and forth. It was a beautiful day, slightly cool breeze, the air felt good, and everyone was just happy, not worried about finishing this or starting that. I then started to give myself some credit. It was the craziest feeling like, “Dude, chill the fuck out. You made it, you are doing fine.” I had one of those moments that told me, “If you don’t get to this project at this time, its okay. If you don’t read this book by this date, it is okay, just be and enjoy life.” And after that, I felt this big load start to fall off me. Now I would love to tell you that from that point, I began to shed all of these expectations and start treating myself better, but I didn’t. That would be a cool ending, but this aint Hollywood. I did start to see things differently. I didn’t have to conquer the world at this moment. I could relax.
My current partner always says “Compare and Despair” when I look at someone who has more or has accomplished something that I haven’t. Hey, I am not going to lie, I want a Pulitzer!
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Earlier this year I visited my father in New York. One of the many things I admire about him is that he is at ease with who he is. My father has no desire to measure himself against anyone. Yes he is successful and has accomplished much in life, but that does not define him. While working out in a fancy gym in Manhattan, I asked him, “Dad, when you are in certain places, with super successful people, do you ever feel less than?” He quickly said, “No. There is no one that is better than me or you. Money, material things, awards, and things like that should never define who you are. Never compare yourself to someone else because they have something you don’t.” Ah yes, comparing…..
My current partner always says “Compare and Despair” when I look at someone who has more or has accomplished something that I haven’t. Hey, I am not going to lie, I want a Pulitzer! No, seriously, I want to win one. (I have this whole fantasy in my head of my acceptance speech…) I want to climb a large mountain, write a book that transcends life, be immensely influential, and be great. But I don’t want to do that and sacrifice my happiness, my well being. I had to stop beating up on myself and comparing my achievements to others. We are all running different races, starting at different points, and that is what I did not get.
At 37 years of age, I can honestly say I love LeRon L. Barton. I think he is a cool ass dude. It has taken me awhile to truly like and love who I am. Much of that came from me not being so hard on myself. It is okay to fail, to not get things done, and to be lazy. I no longer tell myself “I should have done that..” Now it is, “I chose not to do that today.” I am no longer in such a rush to get this done, to travel to this place, to write this piece. I am present and actually enjoying life. It is amazing when you take yourself out of this perpetual race, stop, and enjoy things around you, and who you are.
The goal that I am working on today is to continue to love myself and enjoy the ride I am on. I’ll get there, sooner or later.
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