Practical tips for handling a volatile situation.
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Ever find yourself on the receiving end of verbal attack? Sadly, many people have loved ones who get triggered into states that cause them to lash out in verbally abusive ways. More unfortunate is that some of these people, when in angry states, refuse to listen to reason. They take no accountability for their role in creating strife. They might insist that you are the cause of their abusive behavior and if only you would change they would stop hurting you. This, of course, is never true. Relationships are always about two people. Each person plays a role, by definition, because there are two people interacting and affecting each other.
Relationships are always about two people. Each person plays a role, by definition, because there are two people interacting and affecting each other.
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For example, Moira, a 45-year-old wife and mother of three, who herself was abused as a child, was easily triggered into jealous rages. These rages could be set off by almost nothing—perhaps her husband glanced inadvertently at another woman or he complimented a coworker. Or perhaps her teenage daughter talked back to Moira or expressed affection for a teacher, igniting Moira’s jealousy. Any time Moira’s husband or children were not exclusively complimentary or solicitous of Moira’s needs, she became enraged and started to attack. She hurled insults, assassinated other people’s character and threatened to harm herself if the person she was enraged at did not do or say what she demanded. These fights could escalate to where she became physically violent throwing dishes and pounding the furniture.
No doubt this situation is painful. People who are partnered with or have parents that exhibit these types of behaviors often report the feeling that they are “walking on eggshells,” just waiting for an explosion. Family members become hyper-vigilant about everything they do or say that could set off their volatile loved ones.
“Walking on eggshells” is exhausting.
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“Walking on eggshells” is exhausting. The natural response is to “check out” or fight back. But often leaving the room or defending oneself triggers more wrath, as those who have suffered childhood trauma easily feel abandoned or punished.
Are there ways to handle volatile situations?
While there is no perfect way to calm an explosive moment, rehearsing and memorizing a couple of phrases to say during explosive times can help try to break a negative cycle. The goals are:
1) To calm down the interaction—de-escalate the fight before it gets worse.
2) Use words that communicate you are not abandoning or punishing.
3) Know you have the right to set healthy limits and boundaries.
The following three examples set limits and boundaries without abandoning or retaliating.
Once you see that your family member has switched into a rageful state, use one or all of these approaches to calm things down. Each of the below statements should be said with a very firm but caring tone of voice. You should stand tall and look your partner/parent in the eye while you speak to him/her:
Conversation #1:
“I hear and see that you are angry. Clearly I have hurt you. However, I will not allow you to talk to me the way you are. When your emotions calm down and we can talk calmly about what happened without you insulting me we can try talking again. Until then, I will be at _____________ (insert where you will go—do leave the house) for the next hour calming down myself.”
Then leave the house and return in an hour as promised.
Conversation #2:
“When you scream at me like this I cannot hear you. My body and mind go into a panicked shutdown state and all I can do is space out until you finish. I want to be able to hear you and communicate about whatever is upsetting you. Can you calm down so we can speak calmly and I can listen again?”
Maintain eye contact until you get an answer. If the ranting continues, just keep repeating the sentence. If your partner/parent escalates, use conversation #1 and leave the house.
Conversation #3:
“Once you start screaming and throwing things and making threats, I don’t feel safe anymore. That is what is happening now. Is that your intent?”
Maintain eye contact until you get an answer. If the ranting continues, just keep repeating the sentence. If your partner/parent escalates, use conversation #1 and leave the house.
These kinds of conversations are meant to accomplish the following:
- Stop the interaction dead in its tracks to de-escalate the argument.
- Stop the argument without abandoning or abusing the person (even though they may feel abandoned or abused no matter what you say.)
- Use “I” language, which is non-accusatory. “I” language describes the impact the person is having on you i.e. “When you scream, I feel afraid of you.” As opposed to “You are abusing me!” Most of the time, someone doesn’t realize the impact they are having on you and your emotions as they are too wrapped up with their own.
- Disengage to allow emotions to calm down so your partner or parent switches back into a non-triggered state. Time apart accomplishes this.
- Leave the area but assure your partner or parent you will return to discuss the issue further but only if they stay calm.
- Repeat this as often as your partner escalates and starts acting abusive. Your message must be loud and clear, “I don’t want to be spoken to the way you are speaking to me. I can’t hear you when I feel attacked. If you want me to stay here and talk, I need you to take it down a notch so we can communicate more calmly.” Everything you say should be said firmly but with kindness when possible.
When a sense of danger is created in a household, the members cannot functional well.
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When a sense of danger is created in a household, the members cannot functional well. The hallmark of a co-dependent or dysfunctional relationship is one where a person lives under threat from the other. Setting limits and boundaries is important for mental health and your self-esteem. Setting limits and boundaries builds healthy interdependent relationships. Learning to set limits and boundaries is HARD but worth the effort. We can all learn to do this.
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Photo: Getty
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This is a mens website right, I was doing research and didnt notice until now(haha).Great article!
Thank you for this article. I needed it so badly. This will help me immensely. I agree with commenter below. Excellent article.
Excellent article. I loved your article on shame in the NYT as well.
Respect.