All these problems are ripples of a larger problem, the pressure on men to define themselves with hypermasculinity.
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Whenever I’m introduced to new heterosexual men, I half dread opening up about my sexuality, as it kind of feels like I’m coming out, over and over again. While, for the most part, the majority of younger men don’t view my sexuality as a “thing.” there are a few remarks made by even the liberalist of men, which make me wish the world would swallow me up.
Unless somebody is literally having sex meters from you, they’re not being “in your face” about their sexuality, they’re proud of it, and we should all be proud of our sexuality, no matter what our sexuality or gender.
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I don’t try to hide my sexuality, and if somebody was to brand me camp, I wouldn’t be offended because I’ve never really viewed it as a negative quality. Straight males, however, often praise me on my masculinity, telling me that I don’t look “gay,” in the same manner you’d tell somebody they don’t look underdressed.
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Another favorite is “yeah but you’re not gay, gay”— what does that even mean? I’m in a same-sex relationship, that’s pretty gay by any standard. Their intentions may be innocent, but praising somebody on their ability to not completely abide by a stereotype of their own sexuality, is basically just saying “yeah, I’m fine with you being gay, so long as you dilute it a little.” I think that any member of a marginalized part of society understands the pressure to conform to a white, heteronormative ideal.
One of the most common things I’m asked about my relationship is which one of us is the woman. The simple answer is neither of us since we both identify as male.
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Some men take it a little further than this, asking if I’m personally offended or annoyed by gay males who are “camper” than I am, claiming that these people “give me a bad name.” Firstly, flamboyancy is a personality trait, which is not exclusive to the gay community. Secondly, all homosexual and bisexual people have experienced a level of discrimination at some point, and as oppressed people, why would we want to repress others?
The fact that I don’t (often) listen to Madonna, doesn’t make me a better person than somebody who does. The term “in your face about it,” is frequently used to describe flamboyant men negatively. Unless somebody is literally having sex meters from you, they’re not being “in your face” about their sexuality, they’re proud of it, and we should all be proud of our sexuality, no matter what our sexuality or gender.
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Gay men are not immune to these beliefs either, if you take a quick glimpse at comments by some gay men, you’ll see “fem-shaming,” and the glorification of being able to “pass” as straight. These views stem from the ideology that it is weak to have feminine attributes, as many of these men feel that they’re not compromising their masculinity if they avoid things that are conventionally “gay,” and play the role of a top in the bedroom.
In order to progress, men, both straight and gay, need to embrace the qualities that society tells us are feminine.
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One of the most common things I’m asked about my relationship is which one of us is the woman. The simple answer is neither of us since we both identify as male. I don’t think that is what is meant by the question, though, nor are they asking who puts what where, they basically want to know “who wears the pants.” To answer the question, you first have to perpetuate gender roles in heteronormative relationships. Coincidently this question is usually asked by single men.
I understand that the rapid progression of LGBTQI+ rights is evident in the fact that I’m privileged enough to be offended by these trivial problems while a few decades ago I may have been fighting for my right to live. However, all of these somewhat petty problems are ripples of a larger problem, that being the pressure on all men in patriarchal societies to define themselves with hypermasculinity. In order to progress, men, both straight and gay, need to embrace the qualities that society tells us are feminine.
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Photo: Getty Images
I think it’s important to recognise when you are under threat for your sexual orientation and when you are not; and that all of us are susceptible to lacking awareness and understanding of gender identity experiences that are not our own. It’s important that minority experiences are shared – thank you for this – and I hope it is also accepted that just because someone belongs to a “normative” identity group that doesn’t make it a cakewalk.
We all are both masculine and feminine. Until the straight world accepts the lie it continues to self-propagate- that your gender at birth indicates the totality of who you are- which is ridiculous- there will still be a problem with masculine/feminine semantics. Until we are all EQUAL- there will still be a problem.
Try to understand, Adam, that a great many straight me really have no idea what to say, are struggling just as you are, and sometimes putting the ole foot in their mouth. I’ve seen it myself when a straight man first meets my daughters best friend. I’ve talked to him about it, and sometimes when it occurs he’ll slip me a knowing grin, like an inside joke, as we both know the game well. He’s a great guy, and once someone gets to know him, his “gayness” becomes a non-issue, just as our heterosexuality is not an issue, as his… Read more »
I think that’s true. The idea that in order to be free we need to embrace all of our human characteristics, both stereotypically masculine and feminine. If I like to cook and crochet as as heteronormative man I don’t see why I should have jokes made about my interests. My sexuality is no ones business. I’m don’t go around announcing my preference I suppose as a male it’s just assumed to be straight. Except when I show some feminine aspect of self then there might be question. Which again I fail to see why. I think though straight folks don’t… Read more »