—
After telling how he fell in love with another straight man, Mike Iamele heard countless stories of other people creating relationships that feel right to them.
—
Over the past few weeks, since I wrote about my experience as a straight man who fell in love with another straight man, I’ve received (literally) thousands of e-mails from readers who offered their perspectives, argued their viewpoints, shared their own stories, smiled, laughed, and even cried.
I never expected such sincere outpouring of emotion and discussion from my own story. I’ve received every question under the sun from how we made this work, to where we go from here, to even if I’ve fully recovered from my sickness (which I have, thank you, with the help of doctors, alternative medicine practitioners, dietary changes, and herbs).
But, after hearing countless stories just like my own, I’ve realized that my story is just one in a very important discussion we all need to be having about the “new normal” in love, sexuality, and identity.
We’re at a pivotal point in history. Half of all marriages end in divorce, more than 10 percent of the country is finding love or sex through dating sites and apps, and almost half of the states in the U.S. have legalized gay marriage. The traditional rules for intimacy have fallen by the wayside. Without any rules to follow, people are creating lives that feel right to them.
I’ve received e-mails from gay men who fell in love with and married women. I’ve received messages from same-sex couples who share romantic love but keep their relationship open to pursue sex with opposite-sex partners. I’ve talked to people in polyamorous relationships, long-distance relationships, sexless, open, and every combination in between.
Today’s normal is really just about happiness. It’s about creating a life that feels right and honest and authentic to you.
|
Normal is a very relative term, especially when it comes to relationships. And today’s normal is really just about happiness. It’s about creating a life that feels right and honest and authentic to you. It’s about creating your own rules for love because you and your partner(s) have never existed before. There’s no example of how to do this because you and your relationship are completely unique.
Labels are absolutely useful for helping people feel connected, relatable, even understood. But there comes a point where the label starts holding you back. And you have to decide if you’re willing to take life in with each moment, or if you’re going to stick so stubbornly to a decision you made about yourself and the way love is supposed to be long ago.
Years ago, way before Garrett and I ever started a romantic relationship, I remember he said something about his current long-term relationship with a woman. He said, “You say you wouldn’t do that now; but, when you love someone, you’re willing to try almost anything for them. You’re wiling to find an expression of that love that works for both people.”
Years later, I smile at Garrett’s wisdom and openness. That’s really all it is. That’s really all any of it is—a willingness to find an appropriate and comfortable way to express love for that relationship. I won’t say it’s always easy. I won’t say it’s always comfortable. For Garrett and I, it took well over a year before we found an expression that felt right to us. We tried many different models until we settled on something that worked.
In truth, our lives are all made up of relationships—many different kinds of relationships. We have family, friends, co-workers, romantic partners, sexual partners, lovers, and maybe some combination of that mix. With every single relationship in your life, you need to determine an appropriate and comfortable way to express that love.
Do you call your family once a week? Once a month?
Do you cross that boundary and engage sexually with a coworker? How far is too far? How do you act at work?
Do you commit to a monogamous relationship? Are your needs being totally fulfilled by your partner?
Do you try the long-distance thing? At what point is it just too much?
Do you engage in sex? If so, how soon? And what does sex mean to you?
We’re working through these questions all the time. We’re negotiating what feels right to us. And it’s really only the business of the two (or more) people in the relationship to make it work.
At the end of the day, love is love. And it’s not an incredibly interesting thing.It’s an opportunity where you can be yourself completely—without the fancy outfit or funny lines—and another person still chooses you every time.
|
Of course, we have sexual preferences. Of course, we have our own predispositions. But if you want to make something work badly enough, you really can make it work. It might take time. It might take patience. It might even take moving outside your comfort zone. But you can absolutely make it work if you’re willing to negotiate a level of expression for love that feels right to you.
At the end of the day, love is love. And it’s not an incredibly interesting thing. It’s more of a Friday-night-in-front-of-the-couch thing. It’s more of a lounging-around-in-sweatpants thing. It’s an opportunity where you can be yourself completely—without the fancy outfit or funny lines—and another person still chooses you every time.
If you’re lucky enough to find that, throw the rules out the window. Throw the labels out the window. Throw any boxes or containers or restrictions out the window. Because you’ve got something special and unique and magical. You’re the only one who can make the rules for your life.
And, uncomfortable or not, that’s something worth fighting for.
—
Check out our Sponsorship Opportunities and Calls for Content for Pride Month. #LoveEqually
—
***
RSVP for
Conscious Intersectionality Calls
What’s Next? Talk with others. Take action.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
◊♦◊
Where It All Began: I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love With My Best Friend)
What Mike Learned About Love: What Love Is & What Love Isn’t
Photo: Elvert Barnes/Flickr
I hate to tell you this but if you are a guy in love with a guy, you are not straight. At a minimum you are bi, at the most flat out gay. If you are all about happiness etc, why don’t you just admit who and what you are rather than trying to still claim you are straight?
You don’t choose who to fall in love with, you just do. Sometimes it’s scary as hell to realise, but there you are. I’m happy for Mike and Garrett. I wish it could always end like that, but it doesn’t.
This should give gay men hope everywhere. What are women after all but taking up air and space that a gay man could be filling.?
Wow this is a very hostile remark made towards women. Are you one of those gay men who are gay not because they are attracted to men but because they hate women?
September 2016, I married a 22-Year-Old, Straight Man. I am 46 and have never been married and very few relationships. I have never really identified with “gay lifestyles”. Lifestyle being surrounded with gay friends. I live close to my family and although they never really asked what I liked, I’m pretty sure they figured it out. After I reached 45, I really didn’t think I would ever find that “person”. I always believed when I was younger that it would just happen. I would be in New York living in a small apartment with my “special person”. Well, that never… Read more »
Have you ever considered that you have (semi) sexualized what is just merely a really profound friendship and brotherhood? One of the concerns out there is that we as a society keep conditioning men from have really great friendships for fear that the close relationship must mean the guys are gay. I am also suggesting with this that maybe the only reason why “sexual tension” developed after a while was because you both realized how close the two of you were and not being used to that kind thing like girls are, started wondering if it was sexual. I as… Read more »
Being a straight man 7 years ago I met a female friends new straight boyfriend who asked me if I would sleep with them in a three some, this happened and we kept arranging week ends over a year that we could be together. At some point I realised I had fallen in Love with both of them and I discussed it with them, they told me they both loved me, over 3 years we had a long distance relationship and it was wonderful to spend time with them. Then sadly he had a heart attack in the street, 4… Read more »
I fell in love with a straight guy but he keeps saying that he loves me too but he’s not ready to be in a relationship. He asked me to wait a little longer. Do In need to wait?
Have hope, but don’t sit around waiting for him. Enjoy your life while you’re at it.
nude men
Cute guy. I could fall in love with him too but I’m a gay man.
I like to be nude as much as possible. I live alone so it is not a problem. I have a sign insde by the front door letting my male friends know it is a nude home and if they like they came take off their close and join me. I am not looking for sex but if it happens I enjoy the pleasure as much as they do.
Tell me about your live stylentertainment.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Lol
I love to be nude as well, and nude here at home all the time as well as when with like-minded friends. I don’t get a lot of visiters so posting signs would not work. I love sex too but it is not a requirement or expectation.
i hope meet with you
I’m a Christian but i know one thing about being a Christian that all should remember and that is God is love and forgiveness for all so you must forgive all the ignorant people who doesn’t see the world as we are human. I know some lgbt people in my family but that doesn’t change our love for them.
Oh and some of these Christians need to take a closer look at what the bible says about sex. It is not just for procreation, as it is unnatural for humans, especially men to put off sex, except if he wants more children.. thats some uptight Victorian puritan crusty old European crap. Sex is great, and should be exciting between the two.
Woo 2016 response. Anyway as the bible say, though I will shorten it “there is nothing new under the sun.” Basically this isn’t a new phenomenon, or shedding of traditional beliefs. There were men of the ancient world who were heterosexual, who fell in love, and were strongly intimate with that other man. Unlike today however, homo or hetro, the ideal relationship between two men in a relationship as such, did not involve trying to emulate the male/female dynamic, that is often seen, or pushed today due to mainstream gay culture. Men did not marry men, nor call the other… Read more »
For years, I was one of those gay men, who did not believe in Bisexuality. I always felt that it was a gay man/woman just testing the waters. Today, now that I am older, I realize that I was 100% wrong. I self identify as being gay. But, there are others out there that will have a much more fluid sexuality. I know of straight men, who want the relationship with a woman, but can not fathom the same kind of relationship with another guy… but they will have sex with them. What do we call this? Are they gay?… Read more »
I also have alot of relationships, I am gay and have many relationships with girls, this relationship is called friendship…and can’t be else, if you are in a romantical relationship with a same sex then you’re gay and you are not straight. Either this guy is extremely confused about what relationships are, what is a romantical relationship what is the love you feel for friend and what is the one you feel for a partner…. or don’tn know the meaning of straight and gay and is denying himself. This all is very scary and non-sense, i can’t even believe how… Read more »
hope mee with you
America is turning into a really really sick and non-sense utterly empty country!
Articles and people like this are the proof!
Wishes from a full gay right supporter gay man from Italy.
I was eager to read how sex and physical affection worked in this type of relationship. I’m left wanting. 🙁
First, I wish we would stop dignifying the fundamentalists with a response. The only thing that happens is that we have to scrolling through a see of text pollution. Either this guy is capitalizing on an untapped (no pun intended) market–of men who hate the word gay or homosexual, who hate the word and love the act–or he himself hates the words and loves the acts. I don’t know what the sexual arrangements are because like most of these self-help gurus, his anecdotal evidence has been sterilized to make it pallatable for a modern victorian. This isn’t like Foucault’s… Read more »
but why u call u self a stright man? isn’t that a label? contradictory
it’s basically a story of how he found a “new normal” — he was a straight-identifying heterosexual male, now during this experience, that’s obviously changing and he’s sharing the process with us.
Thank you for this article and for being brave enough to share your life and your experiences. Most of the men that I’ve dated and have been in relationships with have also either been bisexual or straight. Honestly, I just prefer dating bi or straight men over gay guys. Not for the thrill or whatever bs, but simply because they’ve just been the most caring, loving, and fulfilling relationships I’ve been in. It just feels right to me. I’ve never fit in with the gay lifestyle or have been attracted to the whole gay vibe/scene. I don’t feel like I’m… Read more »
When you say “the gay lifestyle” you undoubtedly mean “a gay lifestyle” because there is no “the male lifestyle” or “the straight lifestyle”. Any limitations imposed on your lifestyle are your own.
I fully support gay marriage, and I also have a relationship with God – both because I believe the rules we have set in society are a little off and shouldn’t apply to every single person BUT my problem with this article is it seems there is a mix up. There is a HUGE difference between “love” and “romantic love” and things that follow romantic love like sexual attraction. He talks about loving your family and friends, and then goes into gay marriage…totally different. Love is not just “love”. I love my fiance, but it is a completely different kind… Read more »
You say you have a relationship with God–so maybe you can understand that there is a type of love that transcends all other types of love and that is unconditional love. I believe the love he is describing throughout the 3-part series written by him is an expression of that kind of unconditional love–the kind of love we should all be striving for. Therefore, love is love.
Blind Blind Blind and sadly ashamed of “good men project” for posting something like this. I support love in all forms however this artical sounds completely blind. Blind people filling their SOULS with anything and something to make them feel happy. Love is simple. Love is simple and love is kind. You don’t have to sleep with tons of people to find that good men can fine true love.
Can you be more specific about what parts of this article you think are blind, and what you think a non-blind person would write instead? And can you point out where in the article it says you have to sleep with tons of people to find true love?
I think the fact that he supported polyamorous behavior says it all. At what point do we say enough is enough? I know I’m going to be accused of a “slippery slope” when I say this thinking will eventually lead to pedophilia but it’s the truth. If there is no boundary to sexuality then it’s only a matter of time before we break down the boundaries of blood relations, species and eventually age. It happened before with the Greeks, and the Romans, it’s only a matter of time we reach that end unless someone says enough.
OK – at least get your history right. Throughout the history of Greece and Persia until fairly recent times there were specific types of relationships that were not just acceptable but EXPECTED (the opposite of what he says here) including successful men taking in, caring for, having sex with, and training young men. That social form was in fact normal in those cultures – I have been personally told by young Persian men in recent years that even though it had been crushed out – they wished it hadn’t been – and these were young straight men from a culture… Read more »
People who have irrational fear of homosexuality and bisexuality, such as yourself, often do use the slippery slope argument that variants of heterosexuality will lead to pedophilia – but how come you all do not know your own history? In the 19th century, In America, when straight white men and religion ruled with an iron fist – age of consent laws were very low…Pedophilia WAS LEGAL. In Delaware, until the 1890s, the age of consent was SEVEN YEARS old and it varied between that young age up to 13 around the country. Do you know who fought to increase age… Read more »
I absolutely agree with you….what kind of empty non-sense folks are americans today? That makes me sick.
Cheers from Italy
Check out the song If You Don’t Know by Le Chat Lunatique. I feel like it fits really well with your message about love.
Why do people think that sexuality is 100% straight, 100% gay or 50/50% bisexual? There are a lot of 70/30 % people out there — in both directions.
Sorry, but it really is that simple. If you love a man and are in a sexual relationship with him, then you’re gay or bisexual. If labels are so bad, then why are you so insistent on clinging to the label “heterosexual”? Sorry but there have been many people like you before. Either they stay with a woman and cheat all their lives, or they get a clue and get honest with themselves eventually.
I’m all in favor of men finding deeper intimacy with each other and building authentic relationships from that place. Love between men is beautiful and when expressed openly and without shame it is inspiring, dangerous and powerful. However, for this site to call this relationship “gay” is, in my opinion, both triggering and false. The author speaks nothing of what it means to be gay, which is to say something about sexual attraction and is different from love. Gay is a label, a social construction, and I think the author is writing about breaking free of such things. Good for… Read more »
hope meet with you
I am so happy for both of you, and applaud your love and courage.
hope meet with you