Women aren’t crazy—we simply have feelings and have every right to express them without being invalidated or labeled as crazy.
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Yashir Ali wrote an awesome article for The Good Men Project, called Why Women Aren’t Crazy, that was pivitol for me.
Have you ever heard of the term “gaslighting?” It’s manipulation that happens frequently (to both men and women). I just learned about this subtle form of emotional abuse a couple of years ago. It has been helpful to me in putting together the pieces of my life in recovery.
Often, the “abuser” doesn’t realize he or she is being abusive when gaslighting occurs. However, that doesn’t make the effects of gaslighting any less abusive or manipulative.
Gaslighting occurs while diminishing the victim’s feelings with comments like “You’re so sensitive,” or “Don’t be so dramatic.” And my personal favorite, “Where’s your sense of humor?”
The purpose behind these statements is to make the victim back down, question their own motives, thoughts, and feelings—and essentially—be, act or come across as “crazy.”
It’s possible you’ve made statements like these without realizing the potential harmful effects these words can have on the receiver.
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For someone who may be sensitive, emotional or an empath in the first place, this kind of treatment can lead to shut down and major depression. I should know. Until a few years ago, this had been the story of my life. However, now that I’m wise to it, and am no longer in a state of depression, I can instantly recognize gaslighting and I simply won’t tolerate it.
It’s possible you’ve made statements like these without realizing the potential harmful effects these words can have on the receiver. It’s just as likely these words have been said to you. If so, how did they make you feel? I’m guessing not so great. It’s important that we don’t do this to one another—especially to those we love.
More importantly, now that you’re aware of this type of abuse, please don’t tolerate it in your intimate, personal or familial relationships. Also, it’s certainly not appropriate within the ranks of your employer—although it’s common there as well.
My former CEO boss once told me, “If you’re sensitive that day, do something so you won’t be sensitive.” Sure thing buddy. My emotions don’t come with an on/off switch. Nor should they. My sensitivity enables me to anticipate your needs before you even know you need something. That’s ONE of the reasons you hired me (after I passed 10 grueling interviews). Are you SURE you don’t want me to be sensitive?
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Yashir Ali demonstrates in his brilliant article the reasons women aren’t crazy. We simply have feelings and have every right to express them without being invalidated or labeled as crazy.
Speaking of labels, crazy is one I’ve worn (somewhat proudly) most of my life. I am now on a mission to eliminate it from my vocabulary. More specifically, I want to disassociate that label from my persona. I have much better descriptors I’d rather use; like brilliant, transformed, empathetic, passionate, enthusiastic, devoted, inspired, motivated, encouraged, shiny, talented, and badass!
What labels do you choose for yourself over “crazy?”
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In my own history, I’ve been labeled “crazy” or “drama” when I held a man accountable. Honestly, the drama is from men & women who don’t take responsibility for their own words/actions. Took me a very long time to figure that out & not internalize their craziness!!
Yes, Tana. That’s gaslighting in process. Glad you’re no longer internalizing their craziness. It’s actually a projection. Here’s to better mental health and relationships!
Thank you for your kind words
You bet, Tana!
I choose crazy. I choose weird. Me and my crazy are old friends, and if someone has a problem with that… “congratulations, the hardest step is admitting you have a problem, now kindly take your problem and fuck off.” I’m not interested in being normal, or propping myself up with semantics. My favourite satanic rule is “Know Thyself”. I know what I am, and choose to accept that and integrate it into who I am. My crazy and weird is just another tool that allows me to think outside the box, and why as a first year apprentice I am… Read more »
I agree with you wholeheartedly Josh. I have no interest in being normal either. Normal to me is a setting on the dryer. However, the point I was trying to make with the article is often when expressing emotions, individuals are “labeled” as crazy or worse. That’s not ok. That’s a form of emotional abuse called gaslighting.
I do understand this. Myself, I fall under the anti-social personality disorder spectrum, essentially as opposite of an empath as you can get. As someone who experiences very few emotions and does not relate to other people’s emotions, I can relate to the other side of the issue. Emotions are often detrimental to a person’s ability to think logically, and often result in normally rational people “acting crazy”. So I can very much relate to looking at someone having en emotional reaction, and being all “geezus, can the waterworks and get the dog to a vet”. However I also recognise… Read more »
Very insightful reply, Josh. I love it. You’re absolutely right that balance (and often self-discipline) is key. I believe people who don’t use emotions often have a tendency to want to shut them down in others (because they themselves are uncomfortable with emotions). People who are often emotional and may not have learned to stand up for themselves and tell others to “fuck off” as you suggested are easy targets for gaslighting which is essentially a way to shut them down. I do want to clarify that you can get work done AND be emotional. In fact, sometimes using emotions… Read more »
By no means am I trying to say that robots make the best workers in all situations. There are some situations where being calm make for a better worker, but some empathy in your doctor is generally a good trait. I generally tend to be more of a moderate, and often find myself in the middle of the debates people have over these kinds of issues going “How about you be less of an asshole, and you be less of a snowflake.” There are good points to be made from both sides, and I think that often the best way… Read more »
Absolutely, Josh.
I can tell you it’s taken me a lot of work (i.e. therapy) and self-discipline to be as emotionally stable as I am, but I will never be emotionless.
Like you, I long for the day we can all be open minded (and open hearted) and simply LISTEN to one another and have reasonable conversations such as this. Thank you!
Hi, Melissa! This happened to me and my ex. Is there a chance that I can win her heart again? I love her and I didn’t mean to do that.
Hi, Melissa! This happened to me and my ex. Is there a chance that I can win her heart again? I love her and I didn’t mean to do that.
Karl, I’m sorry to hear that happened. It’s important you recognize what happened. I don’t know if you can win her heart back, but the first step is an apology and acknowledgment of what happened. I wish you luck.
Pivitol –pivotal
Hi Sarah! That’s how I felt when I read my first article on gaslighting. It literally changed the way I felt about who I was. I decided I wasn’t really a depressed woman, but someone who was suppressed and repressed because I’d been taught that it wasn’t ok to be who I was. Quite frankly, I was angry. Not so much anymore—don’t get me wrong, I have my moments, but articles like these really helped me to see the “light” without the “gas.” I’m glad it was helpful for you and I wish you well on your new journey!
My top 3 gas lightning comments also include “You can’t stand me because I’m so strong”.
That’s classic, TLC. I haven’t experienced that one personally. I’m sorry that happened to you. Glad you recognized it though. Stay strong:)
Melissa, I enjoyed reading your work. It seems that many readers do not know the difference between a useful critique which helps you clarify and grow as a writer and a personal attack. I am surprised and disappointed to see such aggressive and hateful remarks. Emotional abuse has no gender. I think that would be obvious.
Thanks, Brenda. Personally, I only saw one aggressive and hateful remark which perfectly demonstrated gaslighting. So, in my opinion, everything is happening perfectly. I had a pretty good exchange of dialogue among the others and didn’t take it personally. (I’ve come a long way in that respect.) Every remark is useful in some way (if for nothing other than a laugh). Hope you have a great day. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
My name is Ian, been married 36 years, have a close family group 3 daughters and 6 grandkids, on the outside all seems fine, However I have persistent issues that’s gnawing at our marriage. So I write this to warn others, help myself cope, and or seek help. I grew up with a fairly low self esteem, going to church Sunday school and then hitting puberty girls and sexuality immediately became a mystery to me as a result, it took me till my late teens to even make close friendships with girls, and though I know I was often liked,… Read more »
In preperation for the common comment debates that come with the gaslighting topic – There’s 2 issues, there are women who aren’t “too sensitive” who get gaslit and use the term gaslighting in the genuine sense like the author, and there are women who are emotionally abusive who use the term gaslighting as a shaming tactic to excuse their behaviour. Women aren’t crazy, but there are some abusive ones who sure as hell come across that way which is usually what men talk about, and then there are women who aren’t crazy who are gaslit which is often what women… Read more »
Thanks much for that distinction Archy. As with any issue, there are always two sides. Thank you for noticing that I’m genuine:) I appreciate it.
Women are not crazy, Mel, and their intense sensitivity is a gift to the world, something that men can learn from. We simply tend to focus on the extremes, the drama queens, and paint every women as such, the lowest common denominator. Why? Because it’s easy, easier then looking at the good. Everyone likes a good bitching session, and who better to target then “the other”. The comments won’t reflect that though, because we are in a war, a war where women and men are pitted against each other, all orchestrated by a tiny minority. It is because men are… Read more »
You know what’s interesting, DJ (and I should have made this clear) is that I did not intend for the post to be man hating. In fact, most of the gaslighting that occurred in my lifetime actually came from my family, not from men.
I agree though, people do tend to focus on the extremes, and I for one (and I suspect you are as well) a person with incredible range—that can relate from one extreme to the other. And, I most certainly do care. But you knew that already:)
Hey. I read the angry therapist. I know what’s up. That above was my explosion of frustration with the type of gas-lighting that I’ve experienced so much and so often in this movement, and how its quickly becoming a battle rather then a camp fire gathering. I have that familiar range because I’m an empath (which explains why I’m involved in all this, er, stuff) , I can read people even in their typing, I can feel personal pain, and I can detect bullish a mile away (of which you have none). I picked up on what you were feeling… Read more »
DJ — just what do you think is up? Thank you for noticing I have no bullshit! You’re speaking my language. I’m an empath too. Figuring out I was an empath is how I determined I wasn’t depressed and started getting well (after 20 years of depression). You can read my story here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/04/breaking–depression-how-a-trip-to-the-laundromat-saved-my-life/ Vulnerability is a beautiful thing and leads to true intimate connections in relationships. I agree wholeheartedly about approaching things with much empathy and I’ve had more than enough shame for this lifetime. I can’t wait to read your article. In fact, I want to be your… Read more »
Already read your entire site, and I know your new job. I pay attention!
I’m sorry. My heart already belongs to another woman though, well, er, another editor. We are working on a possible series of articles that she and I both want to see discussed. There are a few that I’ve touched base with and want to work with on different articles.
Don’t go getting all jealous on me though (laughing), You are definitely someone that I’d love to work with and I will be ringing your doorbell for sure. I already have something in mind.
I see how you are.
I guess I’m a little late to the party.
I’m glad you’re going to write for the site instead of just in the comments. I think that’s terrific, (even if I don’t get to be your editor). Looking forward to the day that you ring my doorbell with your idea.
In the meantime, check out my latest. I know you’ll be proud.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/defining-relationship-son-helped-clarify-relationship-fears-mdrk/
Women can be very emotionally abusive and are often excused for it in a way that men are not. It seems this author wants women to have the right to express themselves but not men.
Tyler, I absolutely agree with you that women can be abusive as well and I don’t think they should be excused at all. I apologize if my post seemed one-sided. Communication is paramount in all relationships, from friendships to work collaborations and intimate relationships. All parties should be heard. Neither gender has a leg-up on the other. Partnerships are equal, and the ability to express one’s self should be as well.
I’ll be hitting that subject, Tyler, or try anyway. Your statement regarding that double standard is correct, but not with Melissa. It is what I addressed in my first comment. It occurs so much that it now elicits a visceral reaction. I certainly understand that, but we have to move beyond that to a more positive and assertive conversation. Yes it was written from a woman’s perspective, but she was sharing her story, so of course that would be true. If we see beyond that, beyond that almost rote learned reaction (that is soundly based in so much man bashing)… Read more »
Geniusbutintelligence – the author does mention that gaslighting is not purely a problem for women. I hope you’re getting some good therapy. You sound desperately in need of it.
While I don’t agree with a lot of your comment, I can respect where you’re coming from. My experience in life has been vastly different to yours, and even if I can’t see eye to eye with you, your feelings and experiences are valid and deserve to be heard and respected. With that, how about we narrow down the conversation to things men feel women/society tells men, that gaslight them. We’ve identified things women hate to hear and invalidate them. What have you heard that invalidates you? I love pile think many fathers being told that they’re “just babysitting” when… Read more »
Thanks for your comments and respectful reply, Winter. Great question. I’d love to hear what the readers have to say, but I would guess that you hit on two of the biggest ones, with “just babysitting” and “man up.” I can tell you also that I’ve heard from men that they’ve been gaslighted with phrases similar to the ones I mentioned above, “You’re too sensitive,” “Don’t take things so personally,” and “Where’s your sense of humor?” Particularly when we talk about emotional availability. I touched on it a bit in a previous article, “Why I Find Emotionally Available Men Attractive,”… Read more »
“Women aren’t crazy—we simply have feelings and have every right to express them without being invalidated” NO YOU DON’T. Not if MEN don’t. Which they DON’T! So fuck women’s feelings! UNLESS – we can have something in return for that privilege. Er, like being paid more. So we can make the women FEEL SPECIAL when we pay for their meal on a date! Which we can’t have, right? Right… nature is a FAR better guide than Feminism – having had a billion or so years of sexual reproduction to fine-tune her logic. Feminism’s had 40-100 years. A little less refined,… Read more »
STFU? Really?
Perfect demonstration of gaslighting. Thank you.