So what are you chasing? Success or happiness?
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The world is still shaken over the death of Prince. As the rumors and mystery abound over the cause of his death, a glaring reality about us emerges. Tragic deaths (and tragic lives) of celebrities seem to flood our newsfeeds and earbuds. Stories of successful lives, mangled by poor choices, seem to come to us so fast we hardly have time to absorb them.
Along with the untimely loss of Prince, whose death is clouded in rumors of opioid use and AIDS, we learned of the untimely death of Joanie Laurer, aka Chyna. Her ultra-successful rise to the top of the professional wrestling world is now overshadowed by an accidental overdose on prescription drugs. Dave Mirra, the incredible BMX superstar held the record for the most X Games medals until 2013. He was a superstar in his chosen field. Unfortunately, his battle with depression was lost when he took his own life in February, 2016 at the age of 41. These names are added to the list of celebrities like Whitney Houston, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, Brittany Murphy and many more.
Does success come with an amplified statistic of tragedy?
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These tragic deaths have recently overshadowed the complete meltdowns of larger-than-life superstars like Charlie Sheen, Paula Deen, Tiger Woods and Mel Gibson. These massive, hugely visible stories of lives lost or decimated as a result of success leads to the question, can we be successful at success?
Are these stories enough to stop us from chasing our dreams? Does success come with an amplified statistic of tragedy? Maybe we are better off keeping our heads down, flying below the radar and never rising to the next level. Perhaps pursuing that degree, learning a new language or starting a business are things that will only lead us to ultimate misfortune. Can chasing success come with happiness?
It depends on what you’re really chasing.
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Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California believes she knows the answer. She received her PhD from Stanford and is a professor at the University of California. On her website (sonjalyubomirsky.com) she says, “The vast majority of my research career has been devoted to studying human happiness.”
“Happy individuals are more likely than their less happy peers to have fulfilling marriages and relationships, high incomes, superior work performance, community involvement, robust health and even long life.”
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She has researched mountains of studies with topics such as “Are happy people more successful than unhappy people?” and “Does positive affect lead to success-oriented behaviors?” As Dr. Lyubomirsky poured over the research she came to a conclusion. One that many of us, including me, struggle with. She found that happiness precedes success, it doesn’t follow success.
“That is ridiculous John,” you say, shaking your head. “If happiness precedes success then why would anyone try to learn more, become more or do more? Why wouldn’t they just sit in their happiness enjoying mediocrity? People chase success to become happier.” Wow, you’re really worked up. Don’t shoot the messenger. Here is what Dr. Lyumbomirsky found.
She says, “Happy individuals are more likely than their less happy peers to have fulfilling marriages and relationships, high incomes, superior work performance, community involvement, robust health and even long life.” It appears that going into any endeavor happy gives us a much better chance at succeeding. That a good marriage doesn’t make happy people, happy people make good marriages, sounds very basic and true. But the same principle works in business, education and jobs. Happiness makes success, not the other way around.
But, honestly, that is often the opposite of what I think. Sometimes I think, “If I could just communicate better with my wife,” or “If I just made more money, if I did x in my career, had more friends, was a little bit stronger, weighed a little less, then I would be happy.”
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There are lots of ways to reach success and there are thousands of ways to define success. Regardless of what you determine success is and how you decide to get there, you will have to choose a route.
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And I am wrong. I know I am wrong. To be completely transparent I have known I am wrong about this for years. I have even told other people they were wrong about this, though I was thinking just like them. It’s so easy to look at the people who appear to be a few steps ahead of us in our career or health or life in general and think, “When I get that, then I will be happy.” And that is scientifically and anecdotally wrong. Suicide rates are 4.5% higher in counties with higher average income rates according to this article from Time.
“But wait!” You exclaim in a moment of eureka and debate, “I thought happiness preceded success, shouldn’t the rich neighborhoods be filled with smiling, charming, happy people bouncing from one success to another? Suicide rates should be down in the fancy parts of town.” You smile as the look of checkmate streams across your face.
But that is the rub. Happiness doesn’t mandate success, it precedes it. Just as steps precede the second floor, so does the elevator. You could also park on the other side of the building where the entrance is on the second floor or get dropped in by a helicopter, crawl down through the vents to get there.
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There are lots of ways to reach success and there are thousands of ways to define success. Regardless of what you determine success is and how you decide to get there, you will have to choose a route. You can go after more and bigger and better or you can choose to be happy first. Rather than try to fill the hole inside you with more accomplishments, more money and more prestige, you can decide there is no hole to fill.
Chasing success can come with a very high price. Having success as a result of making good choices can be an altogether separate experience.
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I am not an advocate for rose-colored glasses. There are problems that need our attention, but we live in a time when science is extending our lives every day. If we want to be a singer, we can do it on YouTube, if we want to make a living in retail, Craigslist, Amazon and EBay are just a click away. Most of us could fly halfway around the world if we pay attention to the sales. We can save the money we spend on world class coffee, incredible entertainment or food to be delivered to us for just one year and buy the ticket. And if you don’t like your job, you can have another one.
All of these things can give us reason to be happy, or a reason to chase “success”. Chasing success can come with a very high price. Having success as a result of making good choices can be an altogether separate experience.
So what are you chasing? Success or happiness.
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Also by John Henderson
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Photo: Getty Images
Ann,
I have always assumed that you had this part figured out! I think a great question to ask before we ever chase anything is “What does happiness look like to me?”
If we all knew the answer to that question (like you) the world would be a better place.
Thanks Ann,
John
Great post. I think being successful is incredibly subjective. We all define success differently and I don’t think fame and celebrity status equates to success. I also don’t think success and happiness necessarily march hand in hand. Very thought provoking!
. “Unfortunately male lust for success seems to know no bounds”
This applies to women as well.
True G,
I guess it’s part of the human condition.
Thanks,
John
John, thanks for the interesting post. So many ways to react to this one, particularly depending on how you define terms such as success and happiness. I’ll take an evolutionary slant. Men evolved as success objects and women evolved as sex objects. Women seek out men who can provide resources, men seek out women for sex, both under the imperative of genetic material transmission. Men get success by controlling resources to get sex to get happy. Women offer sex to get resources to get happy. Men’s success often depends on another man’s failure. The hero gets the woman. Modern culture… Read more »
Thanks John! Great post. I never met Prince, but I work in the entertainment industry and deal with celebrities directly as a large part of my career. I can testify that I see a lot of truth in this in my everyday life experience. A vast majority of celebrities are not the happy people we think celebrity would make them. It sound luxurious to have a star trailer on a movie set, until you realize it’s a 100 hour a week job and you have to live in a trailer.
Jared,
Thanks for the verification from an an industry insider. It seems all we see of celebrities are the fruit of their work, and not what they actually go through while doing the work.
Awesome perspective!
Thanks,
John
Yes John – two very different things I think – happiness and success. I guess in my mind happiness is appreciation for all I do have and the opportunity to achieve more good with what I’ve been given. My personal definition of success is to raise my children to be healthy, successful, stable adults; and to be someone who spreads God’s light and helps people whenever I can. I’m working on the second part – but so far the children part looks pretty good and for me that was most important.