Sami Holden considers how to maintain a social life while balancing mental wellness.
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Dear Sami,
I have medication resistant depression and anxiety. This is not new. It’s been going on for well over a decade now. I’ve had one relationship that lasted for a number of years, but that has since ended. It was someone I met in college, so it was easier to meet people. It’s been over for months, and it seems like a reasonable time to get back out dating.
I have a psychiatrist and a therapist to deal with my mental health issues, so by all means I am taking care of myself. However, my circumstances don’t seem the most appealing. Because of the degree of my health issues, I’ve found that it interferes with my ability to work. I always needed more medication to deal with on-the-job stress and felt less like a functioning person. Currently I take care of my ailing grandfather since work just isn’t in the cards at the moment. I realize that dating is also potentially stressful which is something I’ve considered.
First, how am I to go about getting a first date? If I do meet someone I like that seems to like me, how am I supposed to explain all of this?
Sincerely,
Dating with Depression
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Dear Dating with Depression,
I’ll start this out by saying I just got out of the hospital for mononucleosis (cue all of the jokes). I’m still convinced Sleeping Beauty wasn’t actually under a curse, but probably had mono. That poor prince… I want to make this answer for you good. I will flat out say that I am in no way a therapist or licensed to provide mental health advice, but talking this over with your therapist could be a good resource. I know my therapist heard plenty of dating stories! I will also say that Snakes on a Plane always happens to be the movie of the week when I’m about to fly, and really, why does that happen to me?
How do you get out there for dating? You put yourself out there. I know. It’s so scary! Rejection will happen and it’s entirely inevitable. Even the most gorgeous of people get rejected, or so I’ve heard. Get on Tinder. Get on OkCupid. Get on whatever online dating site you find most comfortable with. I’m suggesting online dating because it has lower stakes. If you never feel comfortable enough to ask the other person out, they could very well ask you. It’s not as awkward as approaching a stranger in a bar or something of the like – that to me seems terrifying. You have to approach this life experience from what you want out of it. What are you looking for? If they don’t like you…OK. You don’t have to stick with whatever person happens to like you if you don’t like them because you assume you have no options, or because it’s the “easier” thing to do. In fact, don’t do this. You owe yourself more.
I’m basically a Google-search away from a prospective date knowing a lot about me.
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I’m not going to tell you to work on yourself first and when you get super confident that is when you date. From having loved ones that are actively dealing with mental health issues, there is never a perfect moment. Hell, there’s never a perfect moment in general. I’m going to get really real. I’ve spent my entire life living with chronic health issues. I’m basically a Google-search away from a prospective date knowing a lot about me. I’ve previously been in therapy dealing with severe anxiety and nightmares following very traumatic hospitalizations from when I was younger, and would go back in an instant for a tune-up if I felt I needed it. I’m entirely open about this. It’s made me a more empathetic person towards others. I realize there are many things about me that could be on someone else’s deal breaker list. I’ve learned to let this go as if any part of me is a deal breaker, they are a waste of my time. I could never convince them that I’d be enough, nor would I want to. I refuse to apologize for being me.
As far as the dating process goes, you need to stay in the present. It’s easy to panic about date three or what the potential relationship could look like a month out. I cannot see into the future which is a bummer. I take the molehill versus mountain approach. I try to look at everything as those baby-sized backyard hills that you might have tumbled down as a kid for fun. If I look at things in my life being tiny hills, I find everything much more manageable. If I see them as mountains, I freeze up. Keep things as present as possible. Find a friend who is willing to talk things through with you after dates. That way they can be like “it probably means nothing that they haven’t replied back to your text ten minutes after you sent them a message.” It’s very easy to tell yourself stories that just aren’t true, or worry about things that you just don’t need to.
When do you tell someone you are dating about having mental health issues? When you are comfortable.
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With depression you are your own worst enemy. You may want to rehash everything that you possibly did wrong on a date. I can guarantee you that your date was not noticing most of what you’re focusing in on. I’m taking this piece of advice from a friend of mine (I take no credit) – write down on a scale of 1-10 how much you anticipate the date will be in terms of being fun and enjoyable. Afterwards write down what it really was. This will be a good point of reference in case you start to question things. You’re helping future you out! I also really like the book If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl. It was actually something recommended by a therapist I had years ago when I was trying to balance getting out there and dating while also managing chronic illness. It really helped me keep things in perspective and in the now.
I want you to know that just because you have a mental health issue does not mean you are any less dateable. In society we have a horrible stigma when it comes to mental illness. I hope that you’ve found some good articles on this site which are supportive and work towards helping dissolve that stigma. You mention how proactive you are, and I have to commend you on that. Also, even though you aren’t “working”, you are taking care of your grandfather. That is extremely noble and shows you have a good heart.
When do you tell someone you are dating about having mental health issues? When you are comfortable. Again, this can be terrifying but hopefully with the right person it will be less so. Hopefully by then you will feel in a safe space within your relationship that you can open up to them. I think often times we forget that not only is this other person supposed to be someone that’s entertaining and physically attractive to us, they should also be a friend. All solid relationships are built and sustained upon solid friendships. Friends don’t judge you for being you. I’ve been absolutely terrified to the point of feeling ill about telling someone I’m dating about my health issues. I’ve been broken up with while getting transfusions in the hospital – twice. It happens, and there are shitty people out there. There are also good, wonderful people. If you never reach the point where you feel like you can open up and be fully you, this is not your person. I try to start out from date one as a semi-open book because I found that for me waiting to bring up my health issues only contributed to feeling more anxious. I’m not saying you have to disclose everything at once, but sometimes bit by bit is better than a big reveal.
Again, I want to repeat that you deserve love, companionship, and everything that is wonderful out there in the world. If at any point you feel that dating is starting to wear you out and is taking a negative toll on your mental health – take a break from it! No one says you have to find the right person right now. Dating should never come as a sacrifice to your own wellness, and putting yourself first is not selfish in this instance. Not every dating scenario will be a success, but that doesn’t make you a failure. That means you tried, and that is definitely something.
Here’s for better dating days ahead,
~Sami
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This post is republished on Medium.
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