“I’m going to make a conscious effort to always take up the slack, be the bigger person, and extend love to my sons”
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After a long weekend of fun, 8 year old Jett said to me, “I’m going to miss you, Daddy.”
“I’ll see you on Tuesday, son, ” I replied.
Dropping Jett off at his mother’s apartment, his attitude shifted. He seemed engrossed in a new toy, wouldn’t listen to his mother, and waved goodbye to me without looking me in the eyes.
I felt a bit dejected because my sons usually give me a big hug and kiss when I leave, but I didn’t want to make a scene, so I just left.
As I was driving away from the apartment complex, my cell phone rang. “Kozo, can you talk to your son? He’s throwing a tantrum,” said my ex-wife in a high pitched voice.
I could hear Jett crying in the background, “I want Daddy. I want Daddy.”
“Daddy, come back,” he pleaded after my ex handed him the phone.
“Daddy has to get back home and get ready for work tomorrow, Jett. You be a good boy and listen to your mother,” I said sounding like a parent from a cheesy television show.
“Daddy, come back, please!”
Although I hate having to do something that I have already deemed finished, something told me that this was an important decision.
“Ok, son. I’m coming back,” I said.
When I got back to the apartment, Jett was waiting for me at the door. I got on my knees and gave him a hug.
“I’m going to miss you, Daddy,” Jett said with tears streaming down his face.
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In his Tedx talk, Joe Ehrman says that the three most damaging words said to boys are “be a man.” What I have realized is that we tell boys to “be a man” in a multitude of ways. We don’t just say the words; we use non-verbal communication like smirks, shirks, and cold shoulders.
This non-verbal communication teaches our boys that emotions are to be avoided. Suffering is to be endured alone. And compassion is for the weak. It comes as no surprise that boys die of suicide four times more often than girls.
As a parent of two boys, I’ve decided to supplement the lack of emotional intelligence and compassion that my sons get from society, but even I have the tendency to ignore my sons’ pleas for love.
In order to prevent any future neglect, I’m reminding myself to be the bigger person (Imagine that–the parent having to remind themselves that they are the bigger person) and taking steps towards my sons when they are suffering. In aikido, we call this taking up the slack. It assures that we remain connected with our partners.
In the example above, I realize that when my son ignored me, I felt slighted. Part of me wanted to teach him a lesson about treating others the way you want to be treated, but the bigger person always chooses love, always takes up the slack. In this case, I actually closed the space by driving back to my ex’s apartment.
Can I shower my sons with love without fear that they will grow up to be mama’s boys? Can I always be the bigger person and take up the slack no matter how much they resist my open-heartedness? I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I do know the pain and neglect I felt as a boy crying out for connection and the loneliness of being trapped in the act-like-a-man-box.
♦◊♦
Recently, I’ve been trying to bless anyone or anything that slows me down. If someone is driving 50 mph in the fast lane of the freeway, I bless them for reminding me to slow down and enjoy the ride. If someone has a cart full of items in the express line at Target, I bless them for allowing me to be mindful and compassionate while shopping.
I see these instances where my sons need a little extra care and loving as reminders to slow down and enjoy the process of raising sons. Any parent of grown children will tell you how fast time passes when raising kids. It is a blessing when I can spend an extra few seconds or minutes hugging my son who is feeling lonely. I’m going to make a conscious effort to always take up the slack, be the bigger person, and extend love to my sons, even if that means they become sensitive compassionate “mama’s boys.”
Photo: flickr.com/hoangp
Good for you.
We need more boys to grow up into the men you are teaching them to be.
“Even I have the tendency to ignore my sons’ pleas for love…” Very touching…my husband had to learn to be a better parent….when my son was very young, he did not notice that his father was out and about….when my son got to be of school age, he would whine and cry if dad wanted to leave the house…it actually stopped my husband in his tracks a couple of times…as my son became more aware of other people in our lives and their relationship to each of us, he asked more questions….it made me ask more questions about our relationship… Read more »
I think you and your boys will do fine kozo. At the very least they will be better people and will figure out how to use that to fit in where they choose. Oh. And they’ll remember their father as being a great and kind man too. Don’t knock it.
Thank you for this article and for all that you do. It is good to know there are people such as yourself in this world.