Edgar Ramsey knows the way to a woman’s heart.
If you asked most men what they think turns a woman on, I am sure the many different answers would be very interesting. So how about it, what do you guys out there think gets a woman “in the mood” for sex? What makes her really hot?
I am no expert on the subject of sexuality, but I have learned some things in my life experiences that I think are relevant to any marriage or relationship. Here’s one: talk is the female aphrodisiac. The more I talk to my wife, the more likely it is we will have sex. And I am not just referring to idle chitchat, I am referring to real heart to heart communication, sharing intimate thoughts and feelings, connecting on all levels: intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. The more we talk like that, the more it turns her on.
What a simple concept; if I want to make love with my wife more frequently, I need to talk to her! I admit I have a strong libido and definitely want sex more often than my wife does. But often she will do it to please me even though she is not really in the mood. And I don’t mind this as I never pressure her and I appreciate this loving, unselfish gift. But to be honest, the best sex happens when both of us are really turned on and well, horny as hell. Over the years, I have tried many different scenarios to try and get my wife in the mood for sex. Here are a few:
- Take her out for a romantic dinner. It really all comes back to the talking thing; if we really communicate well at dinner, I just might get lucky later, and then she becomes dessert.
- Buy her flowers or a present. While she appreciates the gestures and what woman doesn’t like getting flowers?—bribery doesn’t ever seem to work for me when it comes to sex.
- Give her a nice massage. Sometimes this works well, but most often I just put her to sleep; definitely not my objective.
- Have some candles burning, soft music in the back ground and me waiting for her in bed, naked. It seemed like a really good idea, but got poor results. It made her feel like sex was an expectation. Too much pressure.
- Cuddle up in bed and talk for hours. I can’t say this works every time, sometimes we just fall asleep in each others arms—which is also very nice—but often our talk will eventually progress to touching, then intimate touching and eventually to some of the best sex we have together.
My wife is a very intelligent and stunningly beautiful woman inside and out. I met her online in 1998, long before there were eHarmony or Match.com. I was new to California and simply posted an “Activity Partner Wanted” ad on a bulletin board. After getting some scary replies like, “Married woman looking for discrete fun on the side while gangster husband is in prison for assault and armed robbery,” I got a very nice email from my future wife saying she would love to do dinner and dancing with me in San Francisco. We chatted online for a week or so and then spent endless hours on the phone talking. I remember seeing three and five hour calls on my phone bill. Gods knows what all we talked about.
A few weeks later, she invited me to meet her at a Starbucks in Davis. It was a hot Sunday afternoon in August. I drove out to the Valley thinking I was going to meet someone new and that we would just be friends. But when I finally saw her face for the first time, I realized she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. We decided to skip the coffee and went around the corner to a bar for a drink instead. I was smitten. Cupid must have emptied his whole quiver into me; definitely love at first sight. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. The image of her face was etched onto my brain. I knew I was in serious trouble.
Two nights later, she called me and said she was on her way to San Francisco to take me out for dinner. Thus our wonderful adventure together began.
When my wife and I were just dating as friends with benefits, but not yet in any kind of committed relationship, there were several other men who were also very interested in her romantically. I certainly couldn’t blame them, but I looked as them rather apprehensively as “the competition.” Most of them were online friends she chatted with, some local and some far away even in other countries.One man in Italy regularly sent her love letters and one day, a bouquet of very expensive flowers showed up at her door. The card said he wanted to fly right over to America and marry her. She thought this was sort of sweet, but also just a wee bit impulsive as they had never actually met in person. Fortunately for me, he soon faded into oblivion.
Another of her online male friends was from Santa Cruz. They chatted quite a bit and she definitely liked him. Eventually, they exchanged pictures and she thought he was really cute. She talked about driving down to Santa Cruz to meet him for a date. Then one day, out of the blue, he sent her some nude pictures of himself including close-ups of his “big boy” standing at full attention. They were totally unsolicited. I guess he thought the mere sight of his manhood would get her so wet and excited, she would just drop what she was doing, hop in her car and drive to Santa Cruz. Once there, she would tear her clothes off and have wild sex with him. Instead, she was shocked and totally turned off. She couldn’t believe what he had sent her. He got deleted and immediately went onto her blocked/ignore list.
So what did this poor guy do wrong? He probably wasn’t a bad person. But instead of getting laid and possibly starting a relationship with a wonderful, beautiful woman, he got permanently banished (his loss, my gain, I am happy to say). And it was simply because he thought like a man instead of looking at it from a woman’s perspective. He didn’t understand that women generally are wired differently and unlike men who respond easily to pure visceral, visual stimuli; women tend to want some kind of emotional intimacy or connection before venturing on to physical intimacy. Rather than sending her pictures of his erect penis, which only made her think that he was some kind of weirdo/pervert, he should simply have asked her for a date. She was definitely interested in meeting him. Maybe suggested they meet at a cozy ocean-view restaurant for dinner. What an advantage he had, he lived in Santa Cruz and on a live-aboard boat no less. After a night of fine dining, a glass or two of wine, a long walk on the beach and some quality conversation, my future wife may have happily torn her clothes off for him. Who knows where that might have led to? She might be married to him now instead of me.
My wife loves sex and has told me many times that she doesn’t need to be in love with a man to have great sex with him. But she definitely doesn’t like men who are pushy about getting sex, men who don’t treat a woman respectfully, or men who only care about getting their rocks off and never bothered to learn how to really please a woman. My wife tells me that a good majority of men she has slept with were just plain lousy lovers; impatient, selfish, not giving or loving. And most of all, she wants to feel some kind of feelings or emotional connection with a man before she just hops into the sack with him. That only comes from talking.
So if you want to really spark the flames of a woman’s passion, I believe the secret is to talk to her. Talk is the female aphrodisiac. But smart women can spot bullshit a mile away, so don’t try to charm her panties off or pretend you are Don Juan. Just be sincere, honest and open. Be yourself. Communicate. And talk to her.
—Photo Metro Centric/Flickr
About Edgar Ramsey
Beautifully written! Women definitely have the same desires as men. We also value the power of intellectual communication and emotional connection.
My wife says she is going to start charging me for all her ideas and stories. But seriously, I have learned so much from her. And she is always telling me that God gave me two ears and one mouth for a good reason; so I can listen twice as much as I talk. And yes, it is true I think for both men and women that when you strengthen your bonding with communication and emotional sharing, your relationship only grows closer. I have never been happy in a relationship than I am now at this very moment and I know that my wife feels the same way. I wish we could die holding hands in our 90s like they did in The Notebook, but that wouldn’t be fair as she is 7 years younger.
How often is she in the mood without you needing to do x amount of activities? I always figured talk should be apart of normal relationships, not to get laid but to actually have a relationship or even friendship. Now I wonder how many of the women I talk to are secretly desiring something else!
That’s funny, Archy. But it’s only part of it, talk & sex, I think the importance of communication expends to every aspect of a relationship. I just learned over the years that talking is one of the things that definitely gets my wife in the mood for sex and that is useful information. On the other hand, it is much easier for her; she just has to walk into the room and I am in the mood. Must be her pheromones or something.
I watched a very interesting document on the female sexual response. Porn causes arousal in women, though most women watching porn won’t feel desire. Fascinating that the body can be aroused, but not click into desire. I figure that’s due to either a) not trully being connected to their own bodies, but also b) desire and lust for women is very different than sexual arousal, perhaps.
I guess it’s just not enough to have half the equation for most women?
I saw a doco once where women were physically aroused by the animal mating on discovery channel, etc. The body could be aroused, but they didn’t realize it, maybe it’s just the body preparing for sex and getting the lubrication ready in expectation?
ht tp://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-sex-and-babies/201105/why-do-women-get-physically-aroused-and-not-even-know-it – This talks on what you’re saying.
Right, I’ve seen that. It may be the body responding in prep for penetrative sex (as to not be injured in case the act was unwanted), but not feeling lust/desire. So women can be physically ready, but not want it.
The docu I was watching was about trying to find a female viagra, but what they were finding was the parts worked without the pill, and the pill didn’t really do much extra, but there was a whole other issue in place about the desire to share the body.
This gets back to some of my thoughts on female sexuality. We do indeed get horny. And want sex, but we want sex with desire, not just lie there and have sex without desire.
I am learning that there is so much going on in our brains that we just don’t understand. Most people think sex is all about their genitals, but they are only the props, the real sex is happening in our brains. I watched the series of slide presentations called, “Your Brain on Porn” (www.yourbrainonporn.com). It was very interesting and I learned a lot about how our brains work, and not just about addiction to porn, but for sex and in general.
My wife and I openly share fantasies with each other. She has a live-long male friend who she has had FWB status with off and on since she was 20. Wherever she broke off a LTR, they would pick up right where they left off, and yes, he was her lover when she met me. He has been married and in an open relationship for over 20 years. I have often fantasized about them having sex together again, but my wife has always insisted that she is only interested in having sex with me. Not long ago, we were having sex and I brought up this fantasy. Instead of thinking about it and as usual, just dismissing it (probably cause she was already in already the “go” mode), she really got into it and let her imagination flow. Let’s just say she had a good time; so did I.
She admitted when we were finished, that her friend had been a wonderful lover and the thought of having sex with him again definitely turned her on. So basically she got a dopamine hit when I mentioned him and instead of using her rational, cerebral cortex to shut it down (I am married, I only want to be with my husband), she let the “go for it” message from the dopamine take over. Combined with programmed memory associations: warm feelings for her friend and him being a great lover, she got really turned on—it made her hot. So I think we are very complex creatures. We operate on so many levels that we don’t realize or are aware of. Maybe that is why the practice of monogamy is very difficult for an awful lot of people. We think we make conscious decisions to do or not to do things. But how much in control are we really over the way our brains are wired? Like one of the slides in “Your Brain on Porn” talked about; we have a hunter/gather’s brain trying to live in a complex, nano-paced modern society. Not wonder we’re all going crazy.
As we are getting older, both my wife and I are looking at things that we have been taught and have always held as “truth” and started to really question them. The only problem with asking “why” is where do you stop? The proverbial can of worms. But it makes life interesting.
I have the impression that for many women, a man’s voice can often carries a lot of sex appeal, not just the content of what he says but his actual voice. I think as a very general rule women get turned on by a man’s voice more than men get turned on by a woman’s voice. (With some notable exceptions. Parker Posey could get me to do anything just by speaking to me – think Jedi mind trick.)
There is something about a man’s voice when he talks to a woman that does things that a woman’s voice doesn’t really do for a man. Being read to seems to be very soothing, intimate, and attractive to many women.
Maybe total stereotype here, but let’s not assume that talking is just about content. The voice makes a difference, too.
I think what you say is very true. My wife has always told me that I have a sexy voice. It is one attribute to attraction that I never really gave much thought to. I suppose it could be that, combined with the fact that I am paying complete attention to her; there are no distractions. Because it doesn’t really seem that what we talk about matters as much as just the fact that we are talking.
I agree that communication is key, but WHY is it that men don’t like to feel vulnerable and won’t really open up about their feelings? It’s not like that is all we want to hear, but it’s so sad to me that a guy can share the most vulnerable parts of his body easily but not share his deep thoughts. I dated a man who would not even open up in his own journals! They read like an annotated dayplanner (ok, yeah, I read some of them…. trying to figure out what he was thinking, feeling. Turns out, he wasn’t, I guess.) As for what turns a woman on, I suppose this would be top of the list, for sure. But I would totally go for the lying naked in bed with the candles lit scenario,too….
That’s easy to answer. I’m going to generalize quite a bit here for effect and some of these things I personally worry about and could be wrong about, I realize that humans vary and these will fit some people but won’t fit others but it’s my best guestimate of the problem.
Men grow up with the stoic defender/hero gender role, one which tells men that showing emotions = showing weakness. Both men and women (not every single person) have put these pressures onto men which lead to many men holding back. These days I can open up my feelings quite well, even to strangers because I have been through 10 years of depression and learned the importance of not bottling up those feelings, but others may not learn this and are very protective of them ESPECIALLY if they open up to someone who abuses that trust.
I have had people think of me as weak, whiny, etc because I wore my heart on my sleeve and opened up. Some people can only handle so much emotional communication and if they are people who are valued it can be quite a negative experience for a man to open up if they end up being belittled, betrayed, insulted for it. Where I live there is a real macho man behaviour mindset, eat cement and harden up, men are to be independant, strong, never cry, never “whinge”, their feelings are only acceptable in a few ways (happy, sad, mad, horny). Show fear? You’re a pussy, show sadness too much? Crybaby, show heartbreak? You’re a sap. When men have so much shame attached to emotions it becomes extremely hard to open up, I was at a funeral and I was crying and I felt extremely self conscious because I was a man showing visible emotion and feared judgment of being less than a man.
Now when men grow up with this burying of emotions, bottling of emotions, women who seem to have far more acceptance in being in touch with their emotions will most likely feel frustration that their partner cannot open his heart, feel like she isn’t trusted and can’t get him to share his thoughts with her when she may be very open herself. Remember that he will want to be seen as a man in your eyes and showing emotion was taught in a way to show he is less than a man, he may feel he will be less attractive to you and more of the opposite sex. Also confusing is what level of sensitivity can he show? I am a very sensitive person and not all women will understand or even like that if they desire the typical male stereotype of strength, I am very conscious about opening up to partners/potential partners because I don’t want to be seen as less attractive.
Be careful not to “mind-read” and expect him to be thinking more than he really is, some people can have quite simple thoughts and I’ve known of some people who expect too much where the man has actually said what he thinks but she suspects there is more. There are also times where men (and women I’d hope) can pretty much empty their mind and not think of much at all, which could look weird to someone. I have times where my brain resets and I just think about nothing, usually happens when I am tired though or super stressed and have to clear my thoughts.
Another thing is that he may not be able to articulate his feelings since I’d guess males are far more restricted in their acceptable range of feelings, that journal may have indicated his feelings in a way that HE can understand but maybe you can’t, maybe his writing style is very different to your own. Maybe it’s just reminders to himself where his memories will fill in the blanks?
“It’s not like that is all we want to hear”
This is the thing, what level is acceptable? I have a feeling that men could open up a lot and that would send a lot of women running for the hills and seeing them more as a typical woman than a man, how much is too much? how much is enough? I’ve been shamed in opening up too much as a whiny person which has made me hold back in talking about things. It took a long time to find people I could trust and open my soul to, and even quite a while just to have the confidence to say most of the stuff I say these days without worrying so much of what people think of me.
The mind sure is interesting though and I hope that illustrates some of the problem.
Hey, I grew up in a small redneck logging town and I have worked in the construction industry for over 35 years, many of them as a foreman and superintendent. My very fist job out of high school was on a green chain; for those who don’t know what that is, you don’t want to know. I have worn a tool belt and worn out my back and knees with years of hard physical work. Yet I can speak openly about my feelings, be sensitive, loving, passionate and compassionate, but still kick someone’s butt if I need to. Real men cry.
That’s a good thing, it’s good to see times changing and letting men open up. Hopefully there will be more and more like us who can open up and no more shame over it.
Well, I used to be painfully shy. Look at me now. Go figure. I not only talk to my wife about anything and everything, I do the same here on a forum with strangers; basically opening up my mind and heart to the whole world. But I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I am what I am; nothing more and nothing less. And talking about how I feel does not make me feel vulnerable in any way. I am secure in my own skin and have nothing to prove to anybody. And I take the rants and judgements of narrow minded, stupid people with a grain of salt; it rolls off of my thick skin like water off of a muskrat. (I was going to say “duck” but what’s wrong with muskrats?) C’est la vie!
And yeah, I thought the candles and lying there naked in bed with the soft music thing was pretty romantic, but I forgot that my wife has some reasons for why that makes her feel pressured. She is recovering from childhood sexual abuse from a step-grandfather. A lot of it she buried for years and only recently she has remembered much of it. Sometimes I touch her in a certain way and it will affect her very unexpectedly. Fortunately, she communicates with me and tells me why. Certain things, sensations, smells, situations, bring back painful memories. She is 50 and these events occurred when she was 7 to 12. She is in therapy and gradually working though it. I happy to say, she is getting stronger every day. I only wish the bastard who did it to her was still alive so I could make him dead again; slowly.
It seems like a full-time job just to get intimacy and love into my life all this work men have to do for arousal of woman men need to do this men need to do that men aren’t good lovers if there not meeting a womans needs ? Is a woman required to do any thing in the romance stakes are woman in relationships required to do anything to make a man want them other than the sex carrot I’m a 41-year-old man and I find that most woman are selfish lovers with no idea or motivation to make love to a man I find most woman behave in the bed room like most men have been accused of being like , and purely about getting there needs met ! Most of the information out there says it’s there right to have this and to have that and men aren’t doing this and that , That’s great for them but what about men what about woman taking a man to dinner I recently had a woman say men are so lucky they can just switch on any time well yes like woman get aroused all the time but sex can leave me unfulfilled as well like if I come to quickly most woman assume it’s over and well move on a man can be continually aroused yet very rarely if at all are woman told to keep working to get there needs met but what about woman desiring men making men feel sexy and wanted I tell you what when I feel special I want to do these thing that woman say they need and want but if I don’t and I’m made to work for something I might not get I’m not so inclined I’m really jaded by all that woman want and feel unwanted and undesired like I amagin many other men do and I have a feeling that this may be seen as politically incorrect telling woman there not doing the job right well Ladies most of you are not !
Wayne, I understand your point, but I don’t think you can stereotype all woman anymore than you stereotype all men. I have met some wonderful, loving, giving women. I have also met a lot of spoiled, stuck-up who looked at me with disdain for even looking in their direction. There are good and bad people everywhere. Hopefully you will meet a woman who will give you a more positive outlook.
Generally, in respect of this aspect of sex, the pros are the best.
Just sayin’…
I think that the talking thing may also have to do not only with the act of conversing, but also with the type of person who is willing to engage in conversation. The way I see it, the type of person who engages in conversation is someone who respects you, actively listens to you, expresses interest in your thoughts, ideas, and personality (not just your body/the physical things), etc. That kind of individual sounds like they would be a great lover- respectful of your desires and boundaries, attentive to your sexual needs, doesn’t treat you like a object but like a person. Definitely all traits of a great lover!
Very concise and eloquent summary of this whole subject, Neko. I couldn’t agree with you more.
You might consider that the guy who sent a photo of his package WAS being himself, and he WAS trying to communicate. His problem was that she didn’t want communication about that subject in that manner.
The problem for most guys is not ‘being themselves’, or not being able to ‘communicate’, it’s finding a woman who appreciates them and their communication style.
I agree that this was a specific case, but I have heard other women say the same thing. But of course it can’t be a generalization, I am sure some women might have enjoyed getting those pictures. I think as a guy though, it would probably be safer to ask permission at an appropriate time, like, “Hey, I have some nude pictures of myself and some are a little naughty. Would you like to see them?” Just my take on it. I personally wouldn’t send those kinds of pics unless the other person asked for it and I felt comfortable sending them.
personally, I’m on that same page as you so far as nude pics are concerned, but that was just the easiest example. My problem is with being ‘safe’. What being ‘safe’ means is ‘modify your behavior to minimally appeal to the greatest number of average women’. That’s not about ‘being yourself’.
Too much of the Dating Advice shovelled at young men is about how to be minimally acceptable to the greatest number of women, rather than about finding the few woman who will be attracted to any given man. Being ‘safe’ and minimally acceptable to a lot of women may make a guy’s social life somewhat easier(or it may not), but will it really help a guy find the woman who is attracted to him?
This is a great article and very true. For me, I don’t really need conversation all the time, but I do think it is important to build trust. Having sex is a very personal activity and having it with someone who you don’t have some degree of trust with can be too scary.
Yeah, the story about the guy sending the pictures of his package – you know, that can be totally awesome, but there is definitely a time and a place. It seems that was not the time.
I agree on the pics, as I just mentioned, above, the timing needs to be right and it never hurts to ask for permission. That just shows integrity and respect.
Okay, I figured out that the avatar won’t appear unless you use the email address that it is linked to on the comment form. Duh!
I guess that’s Gavatar, not the movie. LOL
Huh. My girlfriend tells me she wants to have sex with me because I’m hot and seeing my body turns her on. She must be weird or something.
Honestly, I think there’s a certain amount of confirmation bias in a lot of talk about the differences between male and female sexuality. I mean, there probably are some differences on average. But I’m skeptical that a lot of this stuff isn’t something that both men and women need to really feel sexually fulfilled, and that maybe we’re just assuming various aspects are more “male” or “female”. I mean, really, how many women don’t need to find their partner physically attractive? And how many men really don’t need much of any connection with their partner to feel sexually satisfied?
Wow. I’m really not that complex. I just need to see desire in my partner, or hear it in his voice. Genuine desire. Does it every time.
I think it just comes back to that old saying. Men need to have sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex. Its all ok when things are going good. It is a cycle that will feed itself. But if things break down for some reason it can be hard to get the cycle going again. I do think men tend to get criticised and told to be better, more than women do though. Partly because their attempts to kickstart the cycle again are more blunderingly obvious. But at least the guy is trying. A lot of times I think the woman settles for sitting back and blaming the guy. There are two parts to the cycle and both people need to look after the other persons needs for it to start feeding itself again.