Note: I went without internet for a bit. It was tragic, only having access at work. I don’t know how I survived, but somehow I did. Bla bla First World Problems bla bla. Anyway, here I am again, and I’m hitting the blog with renewed vigor.
- We men are different in groups than by ourselves. If you are a lady dating a straight guy, have you ever wondered…”how come my boyfriend is so sweet to me, but such a jerk when he is with his friends?” It’s because social constructions of masculinity are enforced in groups, and we feel like we need to live up to those rules. By ourselves, we write poetry.
- Men are every bit as emotional and moody and giddy and weird as women. Many men are capable of processing emotions, checking in, and all of that good (and sometimes bad) stuff. Working in an office with mostly women, I find I am constantly flipping between gossiping with my co-workers and asserting my masculinity to avoid emasculation as much as possible.
- Having a father figure to look up to is critical in helping us grow up and learn what it means to be a man. You can be raised by a lesbian couple, and still have a father figure to look up to. You can be raised by a mom and a dad and not have a father figure to look up to. My dad didn’t have a consistent dad that was around, so he never knew exactly how to be a father to me and teach me how to be a man. He did the best he could, but I’ve always searched for father figures among my friends, in my work and at school to provide that kind of guidance.
- As a man, I want to get in a fight, and win that fight. I don’t know if all men feel this way; I know a lot of men do. I haven’t been in a fight since grade school, but there are times when I want to stand up to somebody and punch their lights out. In my mind, everybody around would clap and give me an award for finally standing up to a bully. Or something. Also, I’d impress a girl.
- If you aren’t a guy’s guy (and maybe if you are?) you will come across as gay to some people. I do fairly regularly. You then are put in a situation where you have to explain that you aren’t gay, but you’re open-minded and liberal…without coming across as slightly homophobic (and I mean this term in the “phobia” sense of the word). I have often felt the need to apologize for being straight. Is that strange? That’s probably strange.
- There is a rush that comes with male camaraderie. Winning a basketball game together; watching hockey on television; shooting bull at a bar; working out at a gym, grunting together.
- I am attracted to 65-75% of the women I see (under the age of, say, 55?). But to find more than just a base attraction with somebody is the challenge. You start to learn that acting on those instincts is not always wise in the long-run.
- I think most men like numbers. Sports stats, science, math, number of lovers/sexual partners, rating systems for athletes/women/men/movies, hobbies, collections…we have this Aristotelian need to collect and categorize.
- I often feel that by working in an office, I’m not doing “real” work. I’m not hauling, chopping, cutting, breaking, installing, pushing, pulling, dragging, or killing. My hands are uncallused, my back is unbent.
- My default emotional states are: moody, excited, angry, anxious.
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photo: mattcameasarat / flickr
About Josh Bowman
Josh Bowman, you are a wise man.
Reading your piece, I kept nodding my head, Josh. That is, until I reached item #5, and that, frankly, stopped me. I believe there’s a long lineup of variables between being a so-called guy’s guy and someone who could be characterized as possibly gay. There are musicians, actors, photographers, authors, teachers and no end of businessmen who might be bored to death watching hockey or downing beers at a neighborhood bar. But I can’t imagine any of them wondering if their actions or particular preferences ID them as homosexual. I’ve even known a few male models, young men who make their living strutting down fashion runways but who could certainly hold their own in a fistfight. I think the worst thing that we men can do is stereotype our brethren.
It’s terrible, it shouldn’t happen, but it does. I’ve been called “gay” more times in my life than I’ve used the john. I remain straight nonetheless, but extremely wary of “man’s men.”
I know this post is written by men and for men, but this is precisely my problem. The difference in my opinion does not lie in the biology or identity of being straight, gay, male, female, or any other variation. I deeply identify with many of these life lessons. I’m different with groups of people than I am alone, and I’m even different in different groups of people! I also yearn for a father figure and to learn to express my masculine qualities. Or, if I’m not assertive will other people look at my as a pushover (that’s the real fear of being percieved as gay, right? That a man would like to take a penis like a woman, which means he’s not capable of taking care of himself like woman?). I, too, feel like working in an office is not real work. If I’m not producing something tangible and useful, I don’t know what I’m doing.
And one of the most primal forces listed here, I want to fight, and I certainly want to win. Just before I read this article I was daydreaming about this guy I wish I would have clocked the other night.
I think there are insightful lessons about living life listed above. Unfortunately this article falls short for me, oversimplifying sex and gender dynamics with experiences we all, as humans, have together. Some gay men don’t feel or want to be percieved as overly feminine. Some women want to fight. One of the big issues causing rifts between gender and sexuality is this percieved difference between us all.
I think men’s best chance at self-acceptance and male sociality is to have an embodied mind – to be grounded in the physical.
You don’t need to be an athlete, or even a sports fan, but you need to inhabit the world of bodies in some greater sense than just scoping out the babes or enjoying a few pops.
There are ways even if you don’t do the activity yourself. If you’re into sports, don’t just be into stats or playing Madden football. Go to games, appreciate the grace and skill of the players, enjoy the crowd. If you’re into music, don’t just sit home with iTunes or your collection. Attend concerts and gigs, expose yourself to the scene. Be “here now” with whatever you are interested in. Keep it real!
I play jazz, which is a great way to fulfill the requirement without being caught in the man box. Jazz musicians are a unique lot, being traditionally, but not stereotypically male. I also collect things – including some quietly unmanly things like vintage clothes and pre-rock music and instruments. This takes care of my numbering behavior where music doesn’t. (Being nonverbally LD, I perform abstract math poorly.)
I enjoy history, but I think a sense of history is most acceptable thru physical artifacts and place. It is embodied and real. Without that, you are liable to be seen as living in a world of unreality, which really is anti-manly – probably because it is anti-human, and closes the door to growth and self-realization.
I am anxious about my masculinity, but I recognize this is a long-held habit, not anything based in reality. In so doing I’ve muted it down to a dull background roar in my psyche. I don’t seek the friendship of men, or the interest of women, who hold a narrow view of men.
In the nonphysical world, I work hard on considering and articulating ideas – about the world as I see it, being a man, person, 21st century inhabitant, etc. It’s what got me through my master’s degree and has helped me sort out the building blocks of the mindful, conscious life. Thinking is not a binary with doing – thinking is a kind of doing.
Hi all, I should clarify….these are my reflections. They may very well apply to more than straight men. Regarding #5, I find that your sexuality is often questioned if you don’t conform to traditional gender norms.
Josh,
In regards to number five, I am often insulted by men who say they are not gay and then have to apologize by saying they are open minded and liberal. I honestly don’t care, I (a gay man) can pretty much tell if you are a prick or not. To me the “I have gay friends” or what ever the way your liberal touts come out is more of a defensiveness. If said to me I tend to feel like you are trying to take care of my feelings. Trust me, most gay men have a tough enough skin and don’t need you apologizing for being you.
I was in a bar once and a gay man approached me. When we made eye contact, he said, “Oh, you’re not.” Is it really that common to discuss it or is it more a springboard from which to launch into a discussion of one’s “open-mindedness” or whatever? (I direct this at you because I’m assuming men more often feel the need to tell you.)
I do have a few gay friends, which, as a conservative, I don’t mention for bonus points but to point out that average gay dudes don’t seem to focus on their sexuality anymore than average straight dudes. We have normal conversations that don’t include sentences starting with “As a . . . man.” What’s the constant
Dammit, phone screen got jumpy and I accidentally submitted. Last sentences should be “What’s with constant focus on sex. Sex is important, but it doesn’t inform every decision we make. ‘As a straight man, I call this game baggo, but my teammate, as a gay man, calls it cornhole.’”
I grew up without a dad and surrounded mainly by women. Even though I’m straight I’ve been called and suspected of being gay too many times to mention. One thing I’ve discovered as I’ve grown older is that masculinity is simultaneously one of the most despised and coveted commodities in society. We should work to halt any further de-engineering of it.
And you could only learn these things from being a *straight* man? Get to know some of your gay friends: we have more in common than you think.
1. I guess this is true for some men but I don’t feel like I am like that. I think if a guy is a jerk around other men then eventually he will not be nice to the women he is with either.
2. “Men are every bit as emotional and moody and giddy and weird as women.” – This can certainly be true. I wish more people were like this. A lot of women have a very pragmatic persona as well and we even have this reverse stereotype where men are the dreamers and women are the more rigid and pragmatic sorts.
3. I don’t know if this is true or not for me. My dad died early in my life but I don’t feel like I look for male father figures.
4. At first I was like no not me but then I admitted to myself that there were a number of times where I wanted to win a fight. I used to be into boxing and wrestling when I was younger but I gave up both of those and I tend to think boxing is wrong because it is too violent. They even have gloves just to make the game more violent.
5. I’ve had this happen in clubs. Once it happened because I told a girl I was looking for somebody with brains. “Are you gay?” She said unironically “because you give off gay vibes.”
6. I suppose there is. Is that really gender specific though?
7. True
8.hmm I don’t know. I think I like ideas more than numbers.
9. No way. I’m an office job sort.
10. What is moody- is that an emotion?
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t act differently in different settings. Reflecting on the many different articles at GMP, I’m noticing a common thread and that is there is questions regarding the non-macho guys and also appears to demonize (on some levels) men who are macho in a physical sense. Then there is something that’s been bugging me and that is the stereotyping of gay men … that gay men aren’t physical or masculine and that’s a load of crap. I have a business partner that could make the average heterosexual male look like a total wimp.
Back to the demonizing of hetero men who are physical. Believe me, guys that are physical don’t walk around and judge other guys, of course they hang out with similar types … they have something in common. Just as women have their different circle of friends, men do as well. I have a diverse circle of male friends that address a variety of interests. Some are husbands and dads who share my being a husband and dad (now grandfather), some are simply guys that like to hang out and have a beer, go out to sports bars and chill and others that when there is some hard labor to be done or work on the cars, they’re there to help. And why do we have to box in these physical men? Ya talk about stereotyping? Most of the guys I watch sports with are not big burly guys.
It feels like that every turn, men are supposed to be evaluating who they are, why they are who they are and then look at some way of changing. Of course everyone can better themselves but come on already.
Yeah, it doesn’t seem to me like the “physical” kind of guy goes around and berates the less macho/physical type of guy very often. I haven’t seen that kind of behavior since Jr. High maybe it happens on construction crews to newbies that don’t fit in but I wouldn’t know. When I don’t fit in its often a kind of smarmy sort that has to let me know rather than your stereotypical jock or tattoo laden leather jacket wearing sort.
Over half of these are spot on and need to be said. Some of them, with all respect, may fit better under the title of “things I’ve learned from being a straight man without a strong father figure.”. Example, I don’t think I get anxious or moody period, and I could come up with references for that. I don’tg et confused for being gay and I’m definitely not a guy’s guy. Some of this, again with all respect, seems written from a place of insecure masculinity, but who am I to judge.
If I could emphasize one thing to women as something they generally do not understand about men, it’s that maintaining face and respectability in social situations is imperative and not a pointless “male ego” trip. Love and sex, the greatest behavior motivations of all, depend on status for men and they largely do not for women. Being treated like a clown for a man is the equivalent of a woman immediately gaining 40 pounds and losing all her makeup.
“If I could emphasize one thing to women as something they generally do not understand about men, it’s that maintaining face and respectability in social situations is imperative and not a pointless “male ego” trip.”
Just want to point out that all cultures treat “saving face,” very differently. In a lot of Asian cultures, for example, saving face is extremely important for everyone, regardless of gender. So I’d argue any lack of understanding the importance of saving face is a cultural thing, not a gender thing. It may be gendered in some cultures, but it’s not everywhere.
Insecure masculinity is a salient point. Poet Pablo Neruda’s masculinity is not questioned; author and daquiri drinker Ernest Hemingway’s masculinity is not in question. The primary difference between them and modern men is locus of control. Those classic men sought to satisfy themselves. They were not consumed with norms. Much of the modern struggle seems guided by an external locus of control. These men are bad and I’m not one of them; these men are good and I am one of them. When viewed broadly, masculinity does not preclude cerebral pursuits nor is it predicated on conforming to a decided standard. Men were once comfortable in being themselves and that internal focus was a sign of strength. To assume that “macho men,” as Tom B said, are troglodytes is to suffer from one’s own biases, not to live in the real world.
Status is the key, but the most high status men, the greats, created their own rules rather than conforming to the official rules.
The other day I was at the gas station and a “biker thug” (I know stereotypes are wrong) but anyway told me “less estrogen pussy” because he blocked the sidewalk to leave. So I moved to the side. Because I gave up my ground to another guy. I was labeled a pussy. To bad I was just being courteous.
What I find funny is that by singling me out it does nothing. I’m already in my place. Wouldn’t it make more sense for macho men to fight each other so they have less competition vs women? If I truly am a pussy wouldn’t I be doing them a favor by not taking there women?
Sometimes masculine to me seems like it means the covering up of hidden insecuritys? Because no one is perfect.
I would rather be a sissy boy that is true to him self than to scare sexually inadequate teenagers up trees if you know where I’m getting at?
“4. As a man, I want to get in a fight, and win that fight.”
Josh, you really got me with this one.
It’s something we “modern” men often deny (“Viloence is BAD!”…), but it’s still inside us (and I’m not saying that it isn’t inside women too…).
While it’s been 30 years I didn’t punch anybody, I know sometimes I’d like doing it. Videogames are kind of a sublimation.
I hope I will never actually do it, but… well, it’s good to acknowledge it’s a part of me.
Pretty good job with the rest of the list, too.
Number 9 is why I am getting the hell out of corporate america.
About #4, that has less to do with being a man and more to do with not having gotten into a fight. The best fighter in my dojang was a pacifist. Luckily for him we’ve been friends for a long time as well as our families. If I didn’t have such a bad temper/attitude prior to turning 20 or so, he would have only gotten into one fight. That would have been a pity.