Steven Lake shows us how we can touch our partner without touching.
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What follows is a list of ten ways we positively touch our partners without touching them. Even though this article is contextualized within a man/woman relationship, it can work for any gender mixing or grouping, from couples to communities. They are:
1) The Look
2) The Smile
3) The Listen
4) The Voice
5) The Deed
6) The Gift
7) The Appreciation
8) The Attention
9) The Share
10) The Time
THE LOOK
Ah, the look. We convey so much information with our eyes. After all, they are the windows to the soul. They are also the windows to hell and damnation when we are disconnected from our love. So, being aware of how powerful a look can be, we can use our eyes to touch our partners with loving caresses.
Sometimes, I just look at my wife in awe of her natural beauty. Sometimes, I am delighted with how she is so focused on doing her yoga, or writing, or preparing a meal. In each case, I am loving her without touching. My eyes are doing the talking.
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THE SMILE
In a similar vein, the smile is a powerful connector and is often preceded by the look. The smile can convey many ideas – lust, love, appreciation, an inside joke, and understanding to name a few. If the smile is genuine, it can never be over-used. The smile also conveys our internal state, whether it be contentment, joy or love. The smile is a quick and effective way of touching your partner.
Smiling is not only good for your partner it is good for you too. People who smile are happier. It is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And if you are happier, odds are this will rub off on your partner. As my wife has told me, being grumpy becomes boring. Happier people are much more fun to be around.
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THE LISTEN
Being able to listen well is a true gift that you can give your partner and will touch her deeply when you do it. I call this process Deep Listening™. It is an intense, focused giving of attention and listening while actively processing information to understand content, emotion and direction (where the person wants to go with the conversation – what they need). Elements of Deep Listening™ include:
1) Confirming what you think you heard is what the other person said
2) Differentiating between “emotional content” and “message” content
3) Encouraging
4) Focusing your attention on the speaker
5) Listening from a place of love and compassion.
You don’t have to agree with what is being said. However, it is critical that you honor and respect what your partner has to say.
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THE VOICE
Talking could be an article on its own. How to talk, when to talk, and what to talk about. Here, I want to discuss the voice without words. Singing and humming convey mood and even deeper states of being. How often to do you allow yourself to hum or sing out loud? Not only is this good for your soul, it conveys to your partner where you’re at and how you’re feeling. If you are singing that damn “Happy” song, it will be hard for your partner not to smile. You will have touched her without touching her. The same is true for humming.
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THE DEED
Deeds are acts of service. When you do things for your partner without being told, when you have thought ahead, and when you know (and if you don’t know, ask) what she appreciates or tasks that she does but could use a break from, doing the “deed” makes her life a little bit easier. For some people it might include emptying the dishwasher, banking, looking after the kids while she goes to the spa, or reading something she has written. Most people appreciate it big time when you do something for them and they will be touched.
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THE GIFT
Giving a gift is a celebration. Whether it is a little something you have hidden in her drawer or a major expense, each time you give a gift, you are saying, I care for you, I am thinking about you, and you are important to me. Believe me, she will be touched. And don’t think it has to be an expensive gift. You can find objects within your budget. Actually, it does not even have to be material. It could be planning a special day in nature on the weekend, inviting close friends over for a dinner (which you are cooking) and a movie, or borrowing your friend’s snowshoes and going to the mountains. The more creative the better.
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THE APPRECIATION
When was the last time you told your partner that you loved her/him? If you are in a committed relationship or married, these words should not be that hard to say. If they are, you need to re-evaluate the relationship or get therapy and discover why this phrase is problematic. Obviously, some of the above items convey your appreciation. But this is where words are useful, especially for people who identify with what Gary Chapman from The 5 Love Languages calls, “words of appreciation.” These people need to hear the actual words. This is how they know they are loved. When you tell them, “I love you,” or “I really appreciate everything you do for me,” they will absolutely melt as you will have touched them in the core of their being with your words.
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THE ATTENTION
We all like attention. So does your partner. She might like more attention than you or like it in specific way, but I have yet to meet anyone who does not like some form of attention. But, why do we need attention? Why does it comfort us? Maybe it goes back to why we even partner up in the first place. We want/need companionship, security, re-creating a family, physical intimacy, and someone to talk to and help us feel like we are not alone in the world. Yes, deep existential material in these questions.
I am a practical man. I notice that when I neglect giving my partner attention she becomes unhappy, moody, and tends to get short tempered with me. If I am smart enough, I realize what’s going on and start giving her CPR . . . I mean attention (same effect). After a few coughs and clearing out the lungs, our relationship comes back to life. Not always pretty, but we are alive and back on track. My partner always, yes always, appreciates that I make the effort to give her attention and is touched by my willingness to engage.
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THE SHARE
If you have someone to share activities with, you are lucky indeed. Whenever you share a mutually satisfying activity, you get to share both your unique individual experience and the common element of the experience simultaneously. It is one thing to go to the beach and watch a beautiful sunset by yourself (which is great) and it is another to go there with your partner and see it together. One person points out a new emerging color, the other person nods her head in the direction of a couple kissing on the beach, you both smile at a child dashing in and out of the surf while squealing with pleasure – having these shared moments touch the other person.
The experience of sharing an event together magnifies and reinforces it. It is now two memories and each person can bring it up and spark the cascade of memories for the other person. Sharing, whether a morsel of food, a concert, or a conversation, constantly enriches the tapestry the two of you are weaving.
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THE TIME
The most precious commodity we have is time. It is a dwindling resource that expires at a constant and unremitting rate never to be recaptured, added to, or stored away in a safety deposit box. The time we have with our partner is limited. All the above items take time. Whether it is time to think, time to prepare and time to do, having a relationship takes time. In our busy world, if we want our relationship to succeed, we must take the time to relate. No relating, no relationship.
When you say, “Sweetheart, let’s spend some time together,” you are offering her, and yourself, a golden opportunity to take the time to bask in the warmth and healing power of the relationship. You will touch her with this offer, for as Henry Van Dyke said, “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
Take the time to take the time, along with the other nine aspects of touching your wife without touching her, and you will be connected eternally.
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If you know other ways of touching without touching, please put them in the comment section below. Thanks!
Photo by Hunter Newton on Unsplash
I love you.
“C 😛 ;R” Ahem… 💋