When her husband dropped the divorce bomb, Jenny Kanevsky had to deal with the fallout. Here are three crucial truths she learned.
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Several months ago, my husband and I separated. I was blindsided. He, for all practical purposes, dumped me after 17 years of marriage. As I reached out for support, I found women with similar stories. There were some who knew it was coming, and those who initiated it. Either way, it’s a gut-wrenching, life changing event. I write this from recent experience and from talking with friends. I have also heard cautionary tales from women who are years out, far beyond the trenches, as I call them.
For me, some days are better than others. And, some are beyond any pain or exhaustion I ever thought I’d feel. There are rays of light, periods of relief, moments of you’re going to get through this, so I have some perspective. Mediation dates are set. I am living day-by-day. And that’s what I’d recommend you do. Hunker down, it won’t last forever. And don’t go it alone.
The early days are an overwhelming emotional upheaval, an unrelenting tempest, and for me, and as I’ve seen for others, support will help you weather the storm.
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Yet, there are things you may be doing, some I have done myself, that can make this time more difficult. Familiar behaviors and habits are hard to break. Your mindset has to shift. Unless you are in an unusually amicable and emotionally mature situation, you must make that shift. Talk with a friend, a therapist, read a recommended book, do something, but get support. The early days are an overwhelming emotional upheaval, an unrelenting tempest, and for me, and as I’ve seen for others, support will help you weather the storm.
Now, a caveat to be taken with a grain of salt so huge I’ll just call it a salt lick: What about the amicable/uncontested divorce? If you can truly say your divorce is amicable and you and your soon-to-be-ex can sit down together and talk through who gets the couch, what’s the kids’ visitation schedule, and who bought that Pearl Jam CD, that’s great. But don’t rush to this. And don’t assume because you talked through tough issues whilst married, you’ll be able to do so now.
There is a saying “You never really know someone until you divorce them.” Sadly, this has been true for me.
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There is a saying “You never really know someone until you divorce them.” Sadly, this has been true for me. I’m not sitting down for a chat. I am not safe, and it would not be productive. It took years, maybe decades to get to this point; it will not take a few weeks to disentangle. Don’t rush and do not be pressured.
In my case, my husband pushed for a no-contest divorce. He wanted it “over with.” He wanted to “get on with his life.” These are things he said to me fewer than 48 hours after he declared, “I don’t love you anymore and I’m done.” This was something he’d been planning for months. Mind you, we were not frolicking in meadows and making passionate love every day, but he had not indicated he was thinking of leaving. Not by a long shot. I was sucker-punched.
Know your rights, even if you feel bullied, which I did. In my case, and in my state, Texas, an uncontested divorce is allowed only if none of the following are present: you have no children together under age 18; you both want to end your marriage (after that initial conversation, I was on board with that); you do not have an ongoing bankruptcy case; you do not own property together and do not have retirement benefits to divide; and you are not seeking alimony. Well, we had four out of five; thankfully, no bankruptcy. An uncontested divorce was not an option.
You are in an emotional tornado. Don’t agree to anything just to be free for now. This is the rest of your life.
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So, that’s the first thing: Do not let your soon-to-be ex, your pain, your anger, or anything else push you to make rash decisions. You are in an emotional tornado. Don’t agree to anything just to be free for now. This is the rest of your life. Protect yourself. If you’re not in an emotional place to do that, hire someone or enlist a friend or family member to so do for you. Have them communicate for you, if need be. Also, and it was not the case with me, if you are in physical danger, if your children are in danger, you have resources at your disposal. You can get restraining orders, and 911 is three numbers away. It’s ugly, but these are truths that some women face. I’ll put links at the end of this post. If you fear for your life, leave. Now. And get help.
Second, do not engage with your ex more than necessary. Two days after he broke up with me, he emailed about the divorce. I thought, I’ll call him, we can talk about this. Silly me. That was the last conversation we had beyond, “see you at 6 when you drop off the kids.” It started reasonably enough, and then when I wouldn’t agree to a no-contest divorce, he lost it. “I’m paying the mortgage for the house that you’re living in. I’m paying all the bills. I need to get on with my life.” I held the phone away from my face and thought, And you owe me two million dollars in back pay for thirteen years of childcare, managing two special needs children, supporting your career including extensive international travel, and an entire household. This conversation is over. I told him I had to go, that I wasn’t able to talk anymore. I hung up to his screaming “When, when can we talk? When?!” And I consulted an attorney. The next day, I sent him an email that said all further communications would be in writing. And that was that.
Use email or text. Email is best and don’t cc your attorney, just forward correspondence after the fact.
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Avoid phone calls, it’s too easy to fight, get emotionally confused or abused, and you have no record of the conversation. I never thought I’d think of my husband this way, but he obliterated my trust in a nanosecond. As the pieces fell into place of how he’d plotted the divorce with a job change, asset liquidation, and other things, I realized, I’d been betrayed for months. I had to protect myself. So, use email or text. Email is best and don’t cc your attorney, just forward correspondence after the fact. If you cc, it’s too likely that, at some point someone will hit “reply all,” and we’ve all been there. Whether it’s an inappropriate joke at the office, or a scathing email about your ex, “reply all” is not a good place to be. I have taken to writing drafts, having my attorney review them, edit, and then I’ll hit “send.” I typically reveal too much and in the interest of self-protection, I need guidance to keep it simple. On the other hand, there are issues related to my children that my attorney has wanted to disclose and I have pushed back. According to my child’s therapist, I’m on solid ground. I am the client. And I am the parent. I trust my instinct, but I also trust the professionals, all of them. I have my team, a very competent team and each member has strengths and an agenda. Play to your strengths, know what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids emotionally, and let your lawyer protect you legally.
Finally, and this can be tough for some women, you have to become your own go-to person. Your ex can’t be it anymore. I say this with kindness and without judgment. I have always been independent. But, I get it. My independence took over when I realized my ex was not a nurturer. It became clear he wasn’t much of a best friend either. There was only so deep he would go emotionally, so I shut that door. In fact, he was a bully, a very well-hidden one, but one nonetheless, so I did everything for myself and my kids. I managed the household, logistics, finances, and, above all the emotional/medical issues. He took care of mechanical things around the house, and brought home a paycheck. And, we did have some good times. He was fun dad, we had vacations, but in general, our post-children years were not good marriage years. So, I shut down and turned to myself. I took care of things.
If you don’t happen to be mechanically inclined and the lawn mower breaks, do not call him. There are at least 56 other ways you can handle that.
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If your ex was the “caretaker” in a lot of ways, here’s the deal: he is not your “go to” person anymore. He’s just not. Yes, for years, maybe decades, he was your best friend, your sounding board, your guy. You complemented each other with differing strengths. But, he’s not that person for you anymore. If you don’t happen to be mechanically inclined and the lawn mower breaks, do not call him. There are at least 56 other ways you can handle that. I have not had to mow yet, but when I do, I plan to hire someone, or get my son to do it.
When my ex was packing to leave, his passivity was in full force. I wanted to scream. “What do I do? Where do I go?” he asked tears forming in his eyes. Really? You’re asking me that, after what you said to me, how you treated me? Because, I’m not his person anymore either. Instead of being a bitch, I just said, “I don’t know, maybe there’s an extended stay nearby.” And even that was more than I should have needed to say. “But hotels are expensive, why don’t we just play along for the kids and save some money for a few months. I’ll live here.” And I said, “No, you don’t get to say what you did and then live here.” And guess what? He figured it out.
And you can too. Call a friend. Hire someone. He will not help you in a way that will feel good or be healthy. And you should not help him. It’s a co-dependent dynamic that will keep you stuck. Break the pattern. He’s not your “go to” person, and you are not his. You are your “go to” person. You’ve got this, and it will get easier. I promise.
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Here are a few resources should you feel alone, in danger and/or in need of extra support.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline phone 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
The Women’s Center: Founded in 1974, the mission of The Women’s Center is to improve the psychological, financial and legal well-being of women, men and their families, regardless of their ability to pay.
Divorcenet.com is a wealth of legal information (in plain English) with links to resources nationwide.
Five Best Financial Tips for Women Divorcing in 2013. This older Forbes article is timeless.
In the absence of anything else, please comment on this post. I will reach out. You are not alone.
Photo—=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/eurritimia/8520018382″ target=”_blank”>Eurritimia/Flickr
I’m closing in on two years “out of the trenches” and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I remain in a state of misery. After he dropped the divorce bomb he lead me on thinking we might repair things for over a year. I paid extra for a separation instead of a divorce to give us time. The day he left and things he said are burned into my brain. My heart breaks again every time I see the tail lights of the model of car he drives. He kept the house and furniture all of… Read more »
In my case, my husband asked me. It wasn’t really a blind-side but kinda. His behavior had been questionable for several years so I knew something wasn’t right. Statistically speaking all lose in a divorce. Men generally get to go on with their lives. Women do the same thing they have been doing plus having to work more just to make ends meat. Divorced women often life below the poverty line.
@ anonymous, there you go making gender-based generalizations to justify the unjust status quo. Your stereotypical portrait of the wronged divorced woman looks nothing like my case. Just the opposite actually. I maintain 50% custody of my two kids and had to provide an additional home for the three of us while working overtime to not only maintain an income that would allow her to “continue to live in the lifestyle she had become accustomed to” while she pursues her “art”, but support myself and children too. She lives like a retiree, not a mid 30’s woman that will need… Read more »
“I held the phone away from my face and thought, And you owe me two million dollars in back pay for thirteen years of childcare, managing two special needs children, supporting your career including extensive international travel, and an entire household.” I would hope this statement speaks more to an irrational reaction to the communication breakdown that comes with separation than the outsized sense of entitlement it appears to be. In the context offered of a woman reacting emotionally to being dumped by her sole financial support – well, OK. Problem is that this sense of owed “entitlement” remains supported… Read more »
She wants $153,000 for that?
If he was sole breadwinner, then she’s had the rent/mortgage paid for, food, clothing, and other expenses paid for. Should he deduct that from the $2M?
This is exactly my experience… except I’m a guy. All I had to do is change the he’s to she’s and the she’s to he’s.
I had been suffering because of depression for a long time after divorce and one day I realized how close to suicide I was…
But then I reversed my behaviour with an anti-depression system (I wrote my full story on my site, hope this help), and now I am a happy woman always in a good mood =)
“My independence took over when I realized my ex was not a nurturer…” My BFF was blindsided by her ex…in retrospect, she realizes that he was and is mentally ill…she did everything she could to take care of him and their son…it still was not enough…he just checked out of the relationship…oddly enough, after they split up, she found someone and fell in love again and got married….once that happened, her ex started reappearing in her life…as if he could not believe that she was ignoring him and moving on with her life….he kept harassing her every which way, even… Read more »
When’s Jezebel posting an article about how men can better ensure they don’t lose their parental rights during a divorce?
Don’t be silly, Mark – men have to step up and solve all women’s problems, but women don’t need to do the same for men.
Men don’t have to solve women’s problems, they just have to stop bringing the problems – mostly sexual harassment/violence. Women have done almost all the work for them by themselves, men can pretty much do the same for themselves as well, as they have always done (come on, remember when men used to even own women and kids as their property, and they pretty much loved it all and didn’t want to give up their “rights” to own women and kids and do as they please with them, or even other men of other races or social classes? men can… Read more »
“remember when men used to even own women and kids as their property”
This bit of hyperbole needs to die right now.
If it was such a recurrent thing, maybe, maybe they would. Most men don’t have shared custody because they don’t even ask for it, they just leave the kids with the woman.
Of course on a site ostensibly for men, an article for women about divorce, about being blindsided and how to deal with it. Yet 70+ percent of divorces are filed by women and still here is a one sided article that avoids acknowledging that fact….. instead focuses on a minority position while avoiding any mention that most of those that get blindsided are infact men…..Argh…..insensitive slightly? Kind of cruel in fact ….
The percentage of what sex starts divorce more doesn’t nullify anything. There’s nothing “cruel” (**tears**) about a supposed minority talking about their experiences. And the tips can also be used by men or hermaphrodites.
Oh yes! I have been through divorce and these are great 3 mistakes all-right. Showing you are an emotional basket case is just making things worse & gets you no where. Truth hurts wifey. That ‘Happy wife happy life’ is out the door
I am so happy you wrote this because this is something that is never brought up. This starts the discussion. Thank you so much for posting. I have shared your post. Lots of love to you, Princess Mousey/Lisa
Hey Jenny, what a fabulous article…i am actually astounded as how easily my husband ( i wont generalize here, though lots of people do), has abandoned my kids. About 4 weeks after we separated, he asked my 15 year old daughter when should he tell me about his new interest, wrong on so many levels. I thought your article was going to talk about not jumping on the bandwagon too soon, but I’ve have some amazing experiences with some very lovely men and I’m having a lot of fun. It;’s not all smooth sailing, but I’m very alive at the… Read more »
It is a serious blow to be blind-sided with a divorce or break-up. In my very humble opinion, there only one excuse for doing this, and that’s when your partner or spouse is abusive in some way. When your head is spinning from one of these types of break-ups, it can be extremely difficult to think about what is actually fair, because anger and resentment settle in mighty quickly (right after the initial disbelief). I think that Jenny’s advice was pretty sound, given these particular circumstances. When someone makes such a graceless exit, you’re either tempted to act like your… Read more »
Lisa Marie, Thank you for reading and commenting and for agreeing that the advice is sound. I hope it helps others. I will say, you are probably correct, the only time the option is to cut and run is if you fear for your safety or that of your children. That was not the case here. Unfortunately, I know a lot of women, and of men as well, who have been blindsided not because their partners were abusive but because they were otherwise unwilling or unable to address the issues in a constructive manner. Had my spouse come to me… Read more »
Just read this. I was utterly blindsided with the “divorce bomb” after a 22 year marriage (24 year relationship) that was genuinely good (or so I thought). I had NO reason to suspect anything was amiss. I can bore you with plenty of details that would help you believe this. I am about 2.5 months in to this experience. I have just finished “Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal” followed by ” Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself”. I have also visited with a therapist. This article is a… Read more »
What if he had recently lost his job and has no income? He was the main provider for himsrlf and me (no kids) and he just abandoned me and the condo. His name is the only one on the deed and he won’t transfer it to me (I can’t afford it alone anyway) and he’s letting it go into foreclosure. So now I’m alone in our condo with no idea when I’ll be kicked out by the bank (he gets all the paperwork, I never see it) and I make very little so finding an apartment is going to be… Read more »
Tanya, I’d recommend you check out the resources above, especially The Women’s Center. Or, try to find a local woman’s community center/shelter/legal aid organization to assist you. You should be able to get some free legal aid on this issue, and guidance. Good luck. Hang in there.
I must say, I am totally at a loss as to why this article, supposedly helping women to navigate a divorce is posted o the Good MEN Project?
How is this supposed to help us, the male audience, becoming good or better men?
Is the message that we should never initiate a divorce, no matter how much we are in discomfort in the marriage or een despise the behaviour of our wife?
Or is the message that we should just play by her rules during the entire ordeal, reardless of who initiate it?
Kal, We have many women readers, and the advice here is sound for men as well as women. And I think in discussing the way her husband handled things, Jenny provides an example of how men can do better than blindsiding their spouses and complaining about paying for everything. We tell a lot of stories and offer a lot of advice here that appeals to our diverse audience.
Sometimes, FlyingKal, this site is not about supporting men. That’s not up to me to decide, unfortunately. It this instance, this is very much an article directed at supporting women, which could be contained with the mission of ‘Good Men’, in that it’s about good men supporting women. Something like that. Whether you or I agree with that is another question.
Thank you John. Yes, this article is about supporting women, but the same can be true for men in the early stages of a separation, I would think, feelings of overwhelmed-ness, where’s my go to person, how can we communicate now without fighting or making things worse, etc. What I like about this site is that, yes, it is the Good Men Project, and a lot of what is talked about is how to be a good man, as you alluded to. I like to think of this site as a way bridge the US vs. THEM gap. We all… Read more »
First, thanks for the answer, Thomas, John and Jenny. Yes, you are right that there are lessons in here that applies to both men and women in the event of a divorce. However, I also think there are significant differences in how we prepare for, and handle things based on the expected circumstances. And one of those things is whether you are the one who is expected to leave the house and find somewhere else to stay, or the one more or less taking for granted that you are staying at your present location. And this is pretty much regardless… Read more »