Jordan Gray talks about the three most challenging myths that men deal with regarding sex, money, and their emotions.
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Myths about men run rampant in Western society.
“Men are liars.”
“Men are stupid.”
“Men only want one thing.”
The only way for true gender equality to surface is to come to a mutual awareness of each other’s struggles and then do our best to shield ourselves from the cultural conditioning and ease each other’s pain.
So today, I’m going to shed some light on the male side of the coin.
Here are the three biggest myths about men that I’ve consistently encountered through my career as a relationship coach.
1. Men Have Limited Capacity For Emotion
“There is a time in a boy’s life when the sweetness is pounded out of him; and tenderness, and the ability to show what he feels, is gone.” – Norah Vincent
Men feel. A lot.
In fact, science has proven that males are more emotional as infants than females and (less surprisingly,) more prone to fits of rage in early adolescence.
Men are not unemotional… we are just conditioned to suppress our emotions from an early age. We are taught that boys don’t cry; we are told that a real man is stoic and strong at all times.
Men’s cultural conditioning away from emotionality is just as prevalent and strong as women’s cultural conditioning away from being perceived as too sexually available (or “easy”).
Men are taught that to even show that things affect us is a sign of weakness.
On the darker side of masculinity, men are internally suppressing emotions that spring forth from the wolf that lives within them. Testosterone (the sex and aggression hormone that is present in both men and women, but is produced in much higher quantities in males) makes men have thoughts that are very counterproductive to living in a civilized society (often around – you guessed it – sex and aggression).
In reality, men become expertly adept at minimizing how much they externally react to their environments… but the emotions are still there, being held tightly within.
2. Men Have It Easy
A female friend of mine was recently envious of the fact that I rarely spent more than ten minutes getting ready in the morning. She went on to tell me that I had it so easy as a guy and that she would never be able to get away with spending such little time on her appearance.
I agreed with her assessment that I had it easy in terms of societal expectations of grooming (which are truly non-existent when compared to women). But it’s not that I had it easy, I just had it different.
I pointed out to her that at this stage of her life she had no definite plans of taking up a stable career path. She agreed with this assessment.
I then reminded her that if she had been a male that had not seriously started considering what her career path had been by her age, she would receive flack about it every day from friends and family.
Just as many women want to get to a size zero, many men want to get to six-figure salaries. Women are often judged by their appearance and men, by their external level of success. Women are sex symbols; men are success symbols.
Currently in Western society, men of a certain age are three to five times more likely to commit suicide than a female of the same age. This speaks to the suppression of emotionality, but also the struggles that men face from their unique kind of social conditioning.
Even in mentioning to one of my (very open minded, and intelligent) female friends that I wanted to write this article, her first response was “Why? Who cares about men’s problems when our culture is clearly more sexist towards women?”
I don’t doubt that it would be absolutely soul-crushing to have millions of ads tell me that I wasn’t the right body type and that no one would love me if I didn’t have white teeth and an unfathomably slim waistline… but I’m also aware that I am told everyday by friends, family, and society to fit into my respective gender norms (feel less, achieve more, don’t complain).
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… it’s not a competition. It’s about compassion and awareness.
3. Men Are Only After One Thing
And it’s such a common myth that I don’t even need to say what it is.
Any person over the age of eight has been taught that men are not to be trusted because they only want one thing.
Over the past five years and working with over 1,000 clients in the relationship field, I can say without a doubt that the majority of my male clients‘ sexual anxiety stems from this one myth.
They fear that, because they want to take it slowly in the beginning of the relationship and build an emotional connection first, the girl will lose interest and leave. They fear that if they don’t have an insanely high sex drive (wanting sex multiple times a day), then women will think that they must be less than a man. They fear that if they show their nurturing side to women, they will be repelled.
Men want love, connection, and emotional intimacy just as much as women do. It might not occupy our minds as often as our desire to chase our career paths, but I would argue that working (to get money which leads to resources which leads to being a better provider) is still just the masculine way of showing our feminine partners that we love and care for them.
The sexual neuroses in my male clients are varied and pervasive… but they all lead back to the exact same core issues: Men fear being seen as vulnerable, and they want to be loved.
So if there’s one thing that men are after, it isn’t sex. It’s the same thing that people of all genders and orientations are after… loving and being loved in return.
Not A Race, But A Journey
I want to reiterate the point that this article is not about who has it worse. The path to gender equality is not about attacking the validity of each other’s societal challenges and expectations.
At what point do we allow ourselves the emotional maturity and empathy to realize that there are a lot of forces at play in trying to repress our natural ways of being into narrow definitions of what it means to be ‘male’ or ‘female’?
I hope to take a major dent out of both the slut-shaming movement for women, and the weakness-shaming for men. If you believe in either one of these issues and think that people could see each other with more love and compassion, feel free to share this article with your friends and family.
Hey, Good Men Project readers, check FOCO’s line of World Series family PJs and comfy Hoodeez, all great gifts for sports fans.
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If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading:
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The One Thing To Remember When You’re Dealing With Any Person, Ever
3 Insanely Powerful Sex Exercises For Men
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Jordan Gray is the relationship coach for entrepreneurs. This article originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo by Jacob Mejicanos on Unsplash
If you think that the other sex has it easier than your sex does, then you should re-examine what your sex does to itself. For example, if a woman resents a man because he needs less time to get ready in the morning, then she should spend less time getting ready in the morning, instead of blaming all of society for her choices. A lot of things people think they “have to do” are not things they have to do.
“I pointed out to her that at this stage of her life she had no definite plans of taking up a stable career path. She agreed with this assessment. I then reminded her that if she had been a male that had not seriously started considering what her career path had been by her age, she would receive flack about it every day from friends and family” As a single woman, I can assure you that people have been very concerned with my career path since I was 18. Perhaps if i was married or a Mom, it would be… Read more »
@ Erin
“When you see a man in the park with his kids, you automatically think he’s a great Dad ”
Wish that were true. A lot of guys aren’t assumed to be the father, but rather a sexual predator.
Well said! To point 3: I’ve provided therapy for many young men having difficulty getting or maintaining erections, and when we got to the core of the issue, it is was that they wanted an emotional connection before having sex, but felt social pressure to have casual sex or sex early in a relationship. Sexism hurts everyone, not just women. Thank you for this article!
Errr….implying that men don’t suffer this? Maybe not the best example to use, especially given the incidence of eating disorders among men.
So I have a question. Why, in this feminist driven society that claims to “care” about men, do these myths still exist?
Bravo. Concise and very important piece of writing. Thanks for it.
Great post, Jordan.
The whole “men are expected to fiscally achieve while women aren’t” doesn’t hold water. I’d say women are expected more than ever to, “Lean In.” they’ve gotta have the kid and the career.
I do agree that the emotionality of men is dismissed and disliked in American society. Sort of.
I would argue that the “Men have it easy” (in any field) is just as outdated as the “Women aren’t expected to fiscally achieve”…
Men still have it easier in some fields, some of the more male dominated ones. Women do not have it as easy because of societal expectations and prejudice, even the prejudice they receive from the men in these fields. The same can be said and is noted about racial minorities and lgbt people in these same fields.
On the rest, that is becoming more and more equal everyday.
@ Josh K
And women have it easier in some male dominated fields also. Women make up about 12% of the U.S. military, but only about 2% of the casualties. I’d say having a 6 times higher survival rate would equate to having it easier.
All you have to do is to look at the historical mortality numbers for men. Most dangerous jobs are held by men, Most work place injuries are happen to men. Most homeless are men. Suicide rates, men top the numbers. And I should note that these numbers haven’t changed through the years. So “Men have it easier” is and always has been a myth. And where did this “myth” come from? Heck, for that matter where did any of these myths evolve? I think ya’ll know the answer.
(historically) I’d rather be homeless than sold by my father to a strange man who had the legal right to rape me…
but hey, I’m crazy that.
So I guess it depends on whether you would find living on the streets easier than being bought and sold.
I find it funny the “Men have it Easy” thing persists, when Stay-at-Home Dads/Husbands are Frowned Upon by Women AND Other Men. “Men are/were Born as Providers, Protectors, etc); it’s been driled into Everyone since Time Began- and Men STILL will Not “Have it All”- regardless what Media says. To Work, Work, Work= Less Time for Wife and Kids: SAME as Women. Hell, Most Women who Demand a Guy w/ a Great Job get Mad when the Job gets in the way!!!
[Most] Men have Never Had it Easy, and in 2014 and the 21st Century, Many Never Will
The way this persists is by defining “all” for men as pouring their lives into their work and denying time with the wife and kids. That way its real easy to say that men have it “all”. To make an analogy to women it would be like saying that “all” for women would be to have children and a home to take care of and deny her a career.
The only way men are seen as having it “all” is by using a lopsided definition of “all”.
So true, dońt know the type of women the autor is talking about, but i am sur rounds by women who have to face everything from career to kids..
So much of this article is excellent, especially the call to keep it from being an “I’ve got it worse” fight between men and women. As I grew up I slowly became aware of an odd “truth” in my small town and among my family: “Men are inherently stupid”. I accepted this, because that is what was pervasive. Sometimes it was said outright, sometimes it was hinted at, and sometimes the message was given in body language or facial expressions. I slowly came into conflict with this, as well as the idea that men only want sex or that we… Read more »
You said “They fear that, because they want to take it slowly in the beginning of the relationship and build an emotional connection first, the girl will lose interest and leave. They fear that if they don’t have an insanely high sex drive (wanting sex multiple times a day), then women will think that they must be less than a man. They fear that if they show their nurturing side to women, they will be repelled. ” … So where do these fears come from? I would imagine some come from the how society has pegged them but I have… Read more »
“So where are all these women that want to “build” a relationship?”
Well, many exist. But not all of them want to wait until marriage. Maybe wait for a while, some months. Unless you search for the more religious ones.
The thing about men’s oppression is that it comes from everywhere, through everyone that has been similarly conditioned. The beliefs of “Society” come through individual (frequently hurtful) actions and experiences. So unfortunately, even though people of all genders inherently want closeness and connection, everyone has been trained to act as if men (particularly cis-men) are incapable or unworthy of these things — and we are all susceptible to acting on this belief until we realize what’s been done to us and start making decisions to heal it. Then we get to start something new. And it is happening, thank goodness,… Read more »
As a woman (particularly when you are a young woman) you get used to men pushing for sex — a lot. Also, we absorb the cultural belief that men are sex crazed. When you meet a guy who wants to take it slow, your first thought is that he doesn’t find you sexy or attractive (which is devastating). The second thought is that there is sonething “wrong” with him (which is also concerning). As much as we complain about men only wanting one thing, when a man defies those expectations, we may be confused and blame ourselves (he thinks I’m… Read more »
I don’t buy that men are especially ‘suppressed’ emotionally. Just because men’s emotions look different than women’s does not mean we’re ‘suppressing’ anything. Women aren’t the model for how men should express themselves emotionally. They’re not the default ‘unsuppressed’ version … while we’re the dysfunctional ‘suppressed’ one. Their way is not any more right than ours.
My wife is more emotional than I am. My emotions are not nonexistent … but they are more subtle. My natural response is different from hers. Why should I consider myself ‘suppressed’ just because I don’t respond like she would?
JB
That is another problem with “macho culture”… believing everything is okay with sociocultural conditionings and the masculine gender/culture. No, nothing is conditioned (even when seeing how men act different and a lot more open in many cultures), nothing is being repressed (even when it is actually other men who bully and humiliate the more “soft and open males” the most), that is just how they are, naturally. If you ever mention society is giving something not that great for men (for their conditioning), they hear it as if you were saying they are “dysfunctional”. And even worse – when that… Read more »
I didn’t say ‘everything is okay with sociocultural conditionings”. I said, or at least implied, that men’s emotional responses are not entirely ‘sociocultural’. I’m not even convinced its mostly sociocultural. Certainly not any more than women’s. My emotions are not less visible than my wife’s because I’m afraid of social ramifications if I were more emotive. They’re less visible because my instinctual response is less emotive than hers. What’s wrong with that? If the visible differences men’s and women’s emotional manifestations are not, as you suggest, entirely ‘sociocultural’ … then to suggest the male way is “suppressed” would be calling… Read more »
then why not let boys cry? why shut your boy up when he’s crying more than his sister? If it is biological/physiological, he’ll grow out of it without any intervention from society. If men are so sure of their natural emotional tendencies, why do they police their boy’s emotions so much? unless their belief of their natural emotionality is being challenged by a boy crying and in order to defend their beliefs they will make boys fulfill their belief system by making them into a person that doesn’t cry. Imagine a woman whose identity is strongly tied to her passiveness… Read more »
@ Jack Bauer
Men’s emotions and women’s emotions are the same. It’s how they are allowed to express them that is different. It is more socially acceptable for women to express a greater range of emotions in a greater number of situations. That is where the oppression comes in. Now, I do believe that this is gradually shifting and that might be where you’re coming from, but we’re not there yet.
Men’s and women’s internal emotions may be roughly the same. But, we’re not talking about internal emotions. We’re talking about external manifestations of internal emotions. Those responses are definitely not the same. Your theory is that the differences are entirely because of what is ‘allowed’ — that women are allowed to be very emotive, and men aren’t. I’m not convinced that’s the correct explanation. In the complete absence of social pressure, I’m unconvinced that men would emote like women. Certainly there are social pressures. Some are more susceptible than others. Whether those ‘social pressures’ are an oppressive regime that’s the… Read more »
except that it is shown that males are much more emotional than females and that it’s mostly just social conditioning that keeps them suppressed. Testosterone doesn’t cause the tear ducts to fail. thats social conditioning That would be like saying that women’s anger isn’t suppressed, it’s just expressed differently… yeah.. because there are no women who would love nothign more than to punch a wall or destroy something or beat the shit out of someone because they are angry. It’s notestrogen that keeps women from physically showing anger, its social conditioning.. they don’t do it because they know they can’t… Read more »