Before becoming a gay dad, Jerry Mahoney was worried about what people would say. He has since realized it’s fairly predictable.
The hardest part about being a gay dad has nothing to do with raising your children. Sure, at two years old, my twins are already curious as to what a Mommy is and why we don’t have one. But explaining it to them is easy. My kids are smart, open-minded and I’m reasonably sure they’re not homophobic. It’s explaining my family to other people that gets tricky.
There are a lot of questions that can lead there. “Where’s your wife?” “Where’s their mommy?” “I wish my husband would take the kids to the park sometimes.” Or, when I’m out with my partner, the one we get is, “Which one of you is the dad?”
We could lie, but what kind of message would that send to our kids? That there’s something wrong with our family and we have to keep it secret? A much better message for them to get is that strangers can be clueless sometimes, and that it’s our job to educate them.
“We’re both the dad,” we say. And then… we wait. The next move is theirs.
Before I became a gay dad, I worried a lot about where such a simple statement might lead. But now that I’ve been at it for two years, I realize people are fairly predictable. In all that time, I’ve only gotten a few different responses when I’ve outed our family. Everyone we’ve met, without exception, has fallen into one of 5 categories.
These are the 5 people you meet as a gay dad…
1. Your New BFF
Reaction: Unbridled enthusiasm
Within
five seconds of knowing me and my partner, Drew, these people want to hug us, add us on Facebook, tweet @ us, invite us over for Thanksgiving dinner and beat the crap out of any homophobes who get in our way. They think it’s SOOOOO cool and our kids are SOOOO lucky, and they want to point us out to their own children. “Look, Caden! This is their dad, and this is their other dad! Isn’t that great?”
You can see their minds working. “Oh my God, I saw that report on World News Tonight, but I didn’t think we’d ever meet one of these families ourselves. We better hang on to these guys. Who knows when the next ones will come along.”
Or more likely, they’re just assuming that we get discriminated against or judged constantly because of who we are, so they want to make up for it by being as over-the-top pleasant as possible.
I’ll take all the New BFFs I can get. In most cases, we’re just as enthusiastic back to them. We tell them our whole story. We had a surrogate. She’s like an aunt now. Our egg donor is also an aunt, but then again, she would’ve been anyway because she’s Drew’s sister, Susie. (And if they need it spelled out, yes, I donated the sperm.)
New BFFs are by far the most common people we meet, which is one of the reasons I’m glad I live in Los Angeles.
2. Jaded Allies
Reaction: Feigned indifference.
These people are cool with us, too — just maybe a little too cool. They’re very quick to let us know that they’re familiar with other gay dads – tons of them. They’ll say something like, “Oh, right. There’s this couple at our kids’ school with two dads. Matthew and Alan.” Or “Yeah, my daughter’s best friend has two moms. They came to our house last month.”
Jaded Allies are less worried about making us feel comfortable with them and more concerned with how they come across to us. They don’t want to be seen as square or even the tiniest bit surprised, so they treat us like we’re no big deal.
They’re thinking, “Yeah, I saw that report on World News Tonight. These won’t be the last gay parents I meet. Better play it cool.”
Maybe they really do know a thousand other gay dads, or maybe they just want us to think they do. Sometimes we talk to these people longer and they show a genuine curiosity and kindness toward us. Other times, we just move on.
Jaded Allies are allies, and that’s good enough for us.
3. Closet Homophobes
Reaction: Cordial avoidance.
These people are not OK with us, but at least they’re polite. They’ll say something like, “Oh, how nice. Well, I need to go over here now.” Then they’ll quietly slip away to pray or throw up or something.
They, too, might want us to think they’re cool with who we are. But in their case, we’re not buying it. You can see the exasperated looks on their faces, the ones that say, “This is what I get for asking questions” or “Freakin’ Los Angeles! I should’ve known!”
These are the people who fell for the argument that Prop 8 would require elementary schools to swap out math and social studies for courses on the logistics of sodomy. “What they do in their bedroom is their business,” they’re thinking. “But they better not start doing it in front of my kids here at Rite-Aid!”
The worst thing that can happen to a Closet Homophobe is for their kids to start asking questions. “But where’s their Mommy, Mommy?” They’ll stammer or ignore the kid, maybe outright lie. “She’s not here right now.” Anything to keep their kids from being exposed to the gays too young. They may even plead with their eyes, begging us to play along, for the sake of the children.
But their kids aren’t stupid, and neither are mine. So whenever the issue comes up, I’m very clear that there is no Mommy in our family, never has been and never will be. I know that’s likely to stir up some more questions in your kids’ impressionable little minds, and frankly I don’t care how you choose to answer them once you’re out of our earshot. But while you’re talking to me, you’re going to hear the pride I take in my family, and my kids are going to know that I’ve got their back.
4. The Head Scratchers.
Reaction: Utter confusion
This is the most entertaining reaction, and probably the second most common one we get. No matter how much we explain ourselves, some people are completely baffled by our family, like the Honda salesman we visited when we were shopping for a minivan.
“We’re having twins,” we explained.
“Well, your wife is going to love the Odyssey.”
“No, they’re his twins and my twins.”
“That’s great! So who’s the minivan for?”
“Both of us.”
“Well, it’s the perfect car for you and your brother. There’s plenty of room for you, your kids and your wives.”
I have no idea whether this guy was homophobic, or what he could possibly have been imagining went on in my house, but I know he desperately wanted to make that sale.
Then there was the guy at the Thai restaurant, who saw me and Drew each schlepping a newborn in a car seat to our table, while Drew’s sister strolled casually behind us.
“Are you the mom?” he asked her.
“No, they have two dads,” she answered.
“No two dads!” he insisted.
“Yes,” Drew said. “I’m one dad, and he’s the other dad.”
“No two dads!”
“Yes, two dads. We’re both listed on their birth certificates.”
“No two dads! No two dads! NO TWO DADS!”
I don’t know where that man is right now, but I’m pretty sure he’s still shaking his head adamantly and shouting, “No two dads!” at whoever will listen.
5. The Moral Crusaders
Reaction: Salvation mode
These are the people we dread. They’re not happy just to stay quiet. They want you, their kids and anyone within shouting radius to know that Satan is in their midst. They’re all too happy to point their fingers and condemn you as the reason for the breakdown of the American family, if not of society as a whole.
There’s no need to guess what’s going on in their heads, because they lay it all out. They’ll spew those “men laying with men” Bible verses, they’ll tell you you shouldn’t be in the military, they’ll want to see whatever legal documents you can produce to prove your guardianship or threaten to call Child Protective Services and report you.
They’re every gay dad’s worst nightmare. But here’s the good thing about the Moral Crusaders… they don’t exist.
At least, I haven’t run into any. Not yet.
Maybe they’re out there somewhere. Maybe gay dads in less progressive parts of America have to deal with them all the time. But to me, they’re boogeymen, who might very well just be figments of my imagination.
Before my kids were born, I was convinced I would face them all the time. But rather than let that scare me off from parenthood altogether, I did the alternative. I prepared for the worst.
I’ve been working on some great little speeches to defend my family against the kooks out there. Whenever I meet someone new, before I find out which of these 5 categories they’re going to fall into, I’ve always got my comebacks ready to go, just in case I’m about to be faced with my first Moral Crusader. Who knows what they look like? They can take many forms.
I don’t want to speak for all gay families, but if you see my partner and me out with our twins, by all means, come say hello. We really do like meeting people and sharing our story, and it makes our kids think we’re celebrities.
As for which of the five categories you fall into, it really doesn’t matter to me. Whatever your reaction is, I’ll be ready.
About Jerry Mahoney
This is both funny and sobering. Are these really the people I’m going to have to contend with in my life? I’m fine with #1, #2, and #4.
Given the responses I got from other gay dads on my website, these 5 types seem pretty typical. On the whole, though, most people have been very supportive.
I think as a gay Dad you are fighting a stereotype along with the bigotry. The stereotype that says no way can a clueless man be actively involved in parenting unless he’s forced to. How can a man possibley nurture a child without a woman leading the way. Just guessing after hearing one of my uncles always complain about all the people who used to comment on him “babysitting” his daughters.
Your portrayal of the 5 types was hilarious (well, except for the last one, which probably will be if you ever meet one of those kooks). But, um, one question. Maybe it’s because I don’t live in LA, but, well, aren’t there any “normal” people? Ones who say, oh, nice to meet you, and that’s it? Like, it’s no big deal? Where do you meet those?
See #2
Sure, there are some normal people, but they’re no fun to write about.
Huh. I didn’t realize I came off like such an idiot to all of my gay friends. Why do you suppose they’re friends with me if I, by default, fall into one of those odious categories?
I’m gonna just assume this is attempted humor. I sure hope the writer can see more than just those five types in the people he meets.
Yes, it was attempted humor.
More than ten years ago at a Gay Day at Disney, we managed to get double-booked with the Promise Keepers. This happens when you don’t make Gay Day official; we just show up whenever we want. At first I was probably acting more like an enthusiastic ally, because I was just amazed at how many gay dads there appeared to be in the park that day. Someone pointed out to me that most of the men with children, even those in pairs, were not wearing the gay uniform of red T-shirts, and so were probably straight, Promise Keeping dads. I was a little disappointed.
So I guess I probably come across as jaded. Sorry!
Hopefully you can laugh about that experience. I thought your post was pretty hilarious. Did the Promise Keepers know what was going on?
That is a great story!
Some people are probably thinking, as politically incorrect as it might be to acknowledge, that mothers are no less needed than fathers.
In my country’s Constitution marriage is an union between a man and a woman that is protected by the state. I am very thankful that I was able to grow up in a loving family and, even though we had our hardships, we are able to thrive and be happy.
P.S “Homophobia” is almost as overused as “racist”.
What makes a union between a man and man not a marriage? What would make your family less loving or thriving if gays and lesbians were able to marry? Specifics.
Marriage is kinda a protected trademark here, heh. Our lawmakers recognized that the most stable way to bring up children is marriage, so it was granted several fiscal privileges.
Marriages are usually created to have children- since gays cannot have them…
They most certainly can. Gays can surrogate, adopt or in the case of lesbians, inseminate. Thus, they can have families. I know couples into the hundreds personally who have kids.
Many couples marry to well….be together, kids or no kids.
You still didn’t answer my question. How would your family have been less loving if gays were allowed to marry. Would the legality of gay marriage magically have created meanness in your parents towards you??
Obviously we have a significant cultural and country difference on this particular topic. But I do wonder if the presence of gay marriage mysteriously ruins the happiness of straight couples marriages. I’ve always found my straight marriage to feel stronger the more equity there was for my friends.
Let me answer your question with a question.
Would the legality of gay marriage magically made gays’ unions so much better than they are now ? Besides, I believe that legal definitions should be (if possible) short and accurate. Expanding a definition sometimes means the definition loses its practical purpose.
I am all for partnerships recognized by the state. I am, however, opposed to recognizing these unions as marriages or giving them similar legal status.
And going back to your question: I don’t think so. If, however, I was brought up by a gay couple my life would be very miserable.
Why? Because of the prejudices inherent in your country of origin? If you were brought up from childhood with loving parents, how would that be different? What if your straight parents were abusive would that be better than loving kind gay parents? I suppose I know your answer.
And yes, from a practical sense having the rights inherent in marriage (power of attorney etc etc etc hundreds of them) would certainly be great for gays to have when they partner as would the recognition of their partnerships as equal.
What is the difference between recognizing them by the state vs calling them marriages? Just a little extra boost the straights get? To make sure the gays know their place? Religion?
No need to continue as I don’t see any way we’ll find agreement here. Were my child to tell me he was gay, the only thing I’d worry about? Would be that he’d deal with the irrational prejudices of those who would want to deny him his rights as a human being, or worse, hurt him. I’d dance at his wedding and my marriage would be made stronger by it.
Actually yes, I would be a target of many cruel jokes and pranks. No wait, I would be target of EVEN MORE cruel jokes and pranks. Sucks to be a quiet, sickly guy who loves books. We have a saying concerning “what ifs”- if the grandma had a moustache she would be a grandpa. Thankfully, my parents were not abusive and I would be thankful if more kids had so much luck with that.
And yes, the difference would be in a (slightly) higher position, some extra boost to the egos of straights. Well, why not ?
And no, marriage is not a human right, at least not in my book. So let’s agree to disagree.
“Well, why not ?”
Because straights are not superior in their form of love to anyone else. All humans love pretty much the same way with flaws and foibles and hurting each other or helping each other. Parts are different, that’s true.
We will disagree. So be it.
FYI? No one should have bullied you regardless, that’s cruel and wrong and I wish there was a way to go back and change that. I’m working against that here as well in the States. That you believe others would bully you more based on your parents? Says huge amounts about their internal prejudice, fear and yes that word…homophobia! which obviously they’d hold as a reason (see that straights as superior thing??) to hurt you. Which would be wrong, flat wrong. That you would have loving parents that could help you along the way? That’s a priceless thing.
I’m glad you had loving parents growing up. So should all kids, much like the children of our author here.
Best of luck to you.
For certain, there’s much more to being a parent than conception. However, biologically speaking, he is correct. As a pair, they cannot co-concieve a child. Only one can be the bio parent to a given child.
Secondly, others are free to disagree with me, but there is no doubt in my mind that neither mothers nor fathers are dispensable. I haven’t seen a compelling argument that not having a mother is as beneficial as having one. Same with fathers. That’s a key downfall in the SS parenting argument. It doesn’t affect me but any they child s SS couple raises, unless there is also an opposite sex parent, stands to lose out on those unique advantages, benefits, and experiences.
Your analysis of parenting is extremely tied to the nuclear family model. There are plenty of societies and cultures in which the ‘family’ consists of multiple adults of both genders. In a society in which multiple generations live in a household, could they not look at a nuclear family and say that the children raised in such a family are ‘missing out’ on the unique advantages, benefits and experiences of living with their grandparents? Could they not say – that is the key downfall of the traditional nuclear family; a child grows up in a house with only two generations of family (kid + parents) and without extended family.
Also, you are assuming that, somehow, a child with two fathers will be missing out on having a close female role model (and vice versa with two mothers and a close male role model). No children are raised in isolation (well unless there’s some sort of child abuse happening). But these children will be surrounded by both men and women (just like children raised by hetero couples). And there’s every indication that children raised by same-sex couples do just as well and are as fully socialized as those raised by hetero couples. There is no evidence that having two fathers or two mothers hurts a child in any way.
“Your analysis of parenting is extremely tied to the nuclear family model. There are plenty of societies and cultures in which the ‘family’ consists of multiple adults of both genders.”
First of all, note that I said, “unless there is also an opposite sex parent. . .”
My question to you is, are you suggesting here is that these families will consist of “multiple adults of both genders?” Will the bio mother or father be a co-parent? If so, that provides a very important relationship.
Grandparents are great! They also offer unique benefits to children. I benefitted greatly from my grandparents. My kids are very close to theirs and derive unique benefits from those relationships. However, just as mothers aren’t fathers and vice-versa, grandparents aren’t parents.
“Could they not say – that is the key downfall of the traditional nuclear family; a child grows up in a house with only two generations of family (kid + parents) and without extended family.”
My parents live in the same neighborhood as we do, for that very reason. We also have other family members 5 minutes away, for that very reason. However, that’s a different issue.
“Also, you are assuming that, somehow, a child with two fathers will be missing out on having a close female role model (and vice versa with two mothers and a close male role model).”
Not true. Kids can have many “role models”, including teachers, etc. However, being a mother or father is unlike anything else.
“There is no evidence that having two fathers or two mothers hurts a child in any way.”
Strawman. I said nothing about that. The issue is whether children are just as well off without a mother as they are with a mother. Are children just as well off with a father as without one. I submit that neither mothers nor fathers are dispensable, that children benefit from having each.
Are kids better off with a mother? Maybe. I really can’t say. But I wouldn’t have had kids if I didn’t believe that my partner and I could give them everything they needed.
If you’re going to prohibit people from parenting just because they don’t adhere to some absolute ideal of what you think is a perfect family model, then don’t start with the gays. Root out the alcoholics, abusers, the neglectful and the criminal, most of whom, you’ll find out, are perfectly straight.
P.S. Thanks for giving me an idea for a new blog post.
What is your evidence or reasoning to conclude that that kids may be better off without their mothers and/or fathers?
“If you’re going to prohibit people from parenting . . .”
You’ve got the wrong person. I’m not prohibiting anybody from anything.
“. . . alcoholics, abusers, the neglectful and the criminal, most of whom, you’ll find out, are perfectly straight.”
Homosexuals are just as or, in some cases, more likely to be “alcoholics, abusers, the neglectful and the criminal. . .”
P.S. You’re welcome.
I’m so glad #5 doesn’t exist.
I guess that makes me your new BFF.
You betcha!
Do you ever meet other gay people/gay parents?
Yes, but rarely. Even in the liberal areas where I’ve lived, we’re not that common.
#5 does exist. They’re called “bullies” and as such, they are cowards. They’re unlikely to ever show themselves unless they have a pack of fellow bullies with them. May your lucky streak last for the next couple of decades and you never run into them!
Thanks!
This was very funny and got me to really think about this again. Sometimes I forget what’s going on in the world. What I don’t understand and maybe some one can enlighten me is. I believe in God, I love the church I attend now, but I don’t and have never believed that 2 people of whatever sex or race should be denied the right to love and prosper. I feel torn as a Christian because I meet people (even in my own family) who would strongly disagree with me. I can never tell them about friends I have or attending a gay pride parade because the fight that comes out of them and me is insane. I want to share my life but ……. My question is and I realize I may sound ignorant here, do you dread all Christians? Or any person who tries to destroy your happiness? I feel like sometimes the word Christian sets off so many bad feelings. We are not all the same dispite parts of my upbringing I have learned to think and feel for myself. I just want happy and healthy people if I exclude you it will be for abusing your self or someone else or animals. That’s just how I roll.
Hope this made sense.