Sometimes, it’s the simple things that we overlook.
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I’ve been a marriage and family counselor for more than 40 years and I’m still surprised at how little we know about what really turns women on. It took me many years to take seriously two statements that my wife made at different times about what turned her on:
“I really get turned on when you do the dishes,” Carlin tells me. I’ll admit that statement got me doing more dishes, but I never really believed her.
It is how we respond to the hundreds of verbal and non-verbal requests for emotional connection that will determine whether our relationship flourishes or wilts on the vine.
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“I really get turned on when you go to the doctor,” she told me on another location. Like most people I don’t like seeing doctors, but I do want to stay healthy and prevent little problems from becoming big problems. So, I go, but never believed it had anything to do with our sex life.
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But as I’ve gotten older I realize how wise my wife really is. Like most things in life, the gift is often in the details; in the small, day-to-day events of our lives. In my article, “The One Thing That Can Either Make or Break a Relationship,” I’ve learned that it is how we respond to the hundreds of verbal and non-verbal requests for emotional connection that will determine whether our relationship flourishes or wilts on the vine.
I realized that washing dishes is really about a lot more than washing dishes. It tells my wife that I care about her desire to have a clean kitchen every day. It tells her that I’m aware that bending over the sink to wash can aggravate her back and my remembering to do the dishes every day is a show of care and respect for her comfort and joy.
Going to the doctor and taking care of my health, I see now is truly a gift not only to myself, but also to Carlin.
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Going to the doctor, sexy? Well, think of it this way. A sick husband is about the most “unsexy” being on the face of the planet. When I’m sick, I’m usually angry with myself for getting sick, ashamed that I’m not the “big, strong, man,” I long to be. I also am totally ambivalent about being taken care of. I want and need Carlin’s care and support. But I’m also afraid of appearing needy. My conflicted feelings make me a bear to be around, much less want to engage romantically.
And that’s just for the small stuff like when I’m down with the flu. As I’ve gotten older I’ve also had to deal with more serious ailments such as depression and weight gain, increased diabetes risk, and erectile dysfunction. Going to the doctor and taking care of my health, I see now is truly a gift not only to myself, but also to Carlin. It also helps keep our relationship juicy and hot.
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The 6 Words the Media Teaches Guys We Should Always Tell Our Partner
We’ve all heard them, the big 3: “I love you.”
And the really big 3: “I am sorry.”
My wife would much rather I demonstrated my love for her or my remorse when I’ve screwed up, rather than talking about it.
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We’re told you can never say them enough. Let me see how I can put this delicately? “Bull ****.” Or I might just say, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong coupled with WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
First, most women have heard these words so much that they don’t mean a lot. Second, most of us use them as a way to placate our partner, not because they are truly heart-felt. And third, they are words, not actions. My wife would much rather I demonstrated my love for her or my remorse when I’ve screwed up, rather than talking about it.
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The 6 Words That Will Really Rock a Woman’s World Are These:
“Don’t Worry Honey, I’ve Got This.” These six words tell a whole different story. They say, “We’re facing some real challenges in our lives, but not only will we get through this together, but you can count on me to take care of the things that matter.
I’ll give you a recent example. Carlin and I felt we needed to sell our house after living in the hills outside Willits for twenty-four years. It was a complicated sale and it involved a lot of moving parts, any one of which could have ruined the sale. We worked well together as a team, but the deal wasn’t completed when she was leaving on a planned trip to see our son and his family who are living in the Czech Republic.
Instead of trying to give women superficial assurance that we love them and we’re sorry when, once again, we make a mistake, it would serve us all better if we improved our level of competence and listened to what women really wanted.
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She was a bit reluctant to leave, since there were still a number of things that needed to get done and she knew some of them would be major challenges for me. But I told her, “Don’t worry honey, I’ve got this.” I was also honest in saying, “I’m not sure how all these issues are going to get resolved while you’re away, but you can count on me to figure them out.” She trusted me and I came through.
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In a new book, Mate: Become the Man Women Want, Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller say, “To understand what traits women want in males, you have to understand what benefits women want from males.” Based on the latest research from the field of evolutionary psychology they conclude “women evolved to want effective men.”
Instead of trying to give women superficial assurance that we love them and we’re sorry when, once again, we make a mistake, it would serve us all better if we improved our level of competence and listened to what women really wanted. When I listened to Carlin, really listened, I came to understand that doing the everyday tasks around the house that she valued, not just the ones that I liked to do, and taking care of my health, were the real turn-ons for our love life.
I’d like to hear from you. If you’re a woman, what is really most helpful for a man to do and say to let you know he is there for you? If you’re a man, what are the competencies you demonstrate that allows a woman to know that you have the willingness and the skill to give her what she needs in life as well as in bed?
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This post originally appeared on MenAlive. Reprinted with permission.
Also by Jed Diamond
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In the early part of my marriage I made many mistakes. Unwittingly, I treated my husband as if he were my best girl friend. I was a ten woman cheerleading team, pouring out my love and support as if he were a woman. This would have worked if he were a woman. Unwittingly and unfortunately, I emasculated him. I later learned that men and women are brought up in completely different cultures. The societal rules are unwritten, unspoken and we are raised with a completely different set of priorities. It is a secret code, but; the opposition doest’n even know… Read more »
Jennifer, the fact that you can even recognize, and have the courage to admit, “Unwittingly, I treated my husband as if he were my best girl friend,” means you are way ahead of the game. Men need to better understand “women’s world” and women “men’s world.” It doesn’t mean that we can’t shift our perceptions and communications to move more closely to the other’s world, but it helps us all feel seen, heard, and appreciated when we can accept the other as they are and their world and way they communication is just as valuable as our own. There certainly… Read more »
I liked the 6 words but I agree with a few others, those “6 words” can vary based upon your relationship with someone. The meaning behind it is what’s important and if you take time to care about your partner then you will find the words that calm them in times of craziness, words that will encourage them when things aren’t so easy, words that allow them to break down and allow you to lift them up. My sweetheart loves me like no other and doesn’t ever want me to feel otherwise. He says it, he shows it, and he’s… Read more »
Lisa, All good points. As you point out the real “words” are your own that convey care and support, particularly during times of “craziness.” Since we’re living in a high stress world that is changing rapidly, we all need regular and consistent words and actions that let us know our partner is with us, that they care about how we’re feeling, even if what we’re feeling isn’t always pretty, and they are there for us. Men need this support just as much as women do.
I’m going to throw a spanner in the works with this one. “Honey, I Got This” or any variation on it is pushing men once again into his traditional role as “Fixer”.
For a website so critical of the Man Box, why does GMP publish so much content promoting it?
Frank,
Good point. But “honey, I’ve got this” can be us being there in the way that we need to be there. It’s being the man we want to be. It doesn’t mean fixing everything. It also means I’ve got this, I’m working on myself. Though its not the focus of the article, I believe that we need a similar thing from women. We want to feel that our partner has our back too, that they are there for us.
I think much of this is relevant and true. If you say “I love you” to a woman you love, but you ignore her requests for more of her time, you don’t move towards acting on the requests for you to assist her with household and other responsibilities in a timely manner (or just ask her when she wants whatever done), or make her feel like anyone or anything else is more important than your investment in your relationship, your words and works will ring hollow and empty, like a clanging cymbal when you’re trying to relax/sleep. If she knows… Read more »
Thanks so much for sharing from your heart and mind. I wish more women would respond as directly and in detail as you have. I know most men will very much appreciate your candor and openness. Please continue.
Well said! As a woman in a relationship, these are often the things I wish were shown. I ‘d rather a guy who showed me he loved me by listening to what I said and took note. Or discussed with me when things went wrong so it wouldn’t happen so often anymore.
Being a partner has to feel like being a partner….often it feels like maybe that’s what he meant, maybe that’s what she said or just do what we want and then…..
Amanda, Thanks for the feedback. I liked your saying, “I ‘d rather a guy who showed me he loved me by listening to what I said and took note.” Too often, guys are so quick to move into action mode, we don’t take time to listen deeply and be sure we both understand and let our partner know they are heard and that we will act on what they tell us. One of the most important and cherished actions is to listen deeply with an open heart.
Jed, I like it! You do come up with some good ones. “Don’t Worry Honey, I’ve Got This.” I must tell you a true story about the “I Love You” phrase and how it relates to my parents. They were together over 60 years and raised 3 boys. I can remember my mother saying “My Kenny never ever told me he loved me”. She’d pause for a moment and then with a smile she’d say “but he showed me every day”. I’ve heard her say this to different people and say it with pride in her husband. I think back… Read more »
Bob, Good story. We like to be told we are loved, but showing is usually important as well, often much more important as your parents demonstrated.
“Don’t Worry Honey, I’ve Got This”, I think it really depends on who your significant other is if this really comes across as saying in code “I love you” verses what you claim that just the words “I love you” is the three words that women don’t want to really hear. In which I don’t think is the case. To me “don’t worry honey, I’ve got this” is very male centric and showing off our male prowess and this is really come from the guy’s head, whereas “I love you” is what I believe what women would like to hear… Read more »
PJ, Thanks for that. Always good to check to see what our partner really wants. And clearly, giving heartfelt response in whatever language we use that let’s our partner know we see them, feel them, care about them, and “have their backs” when they are vulnerable, is an expression of love.