Just because your partner isn’t saying “no,” Hugo Schwyzer writes, it doesn’t mean it’s a “yes.”
Note: As with many articles about sexual violence, particularly those that include anecdotes, this may prove triggering for some.
“Sometimes I say ‘yes’ when I’d rather say ‘no.’”
It’s been nearly 25 years, but I can still remember the beautiful Berkeley fall afternoon when I heard those shattering words. Katie and I were sitting in a coffee shop just off campus. What had started as a “friends with benefits” situation had blossomed into a sophomore year romance with this dark-eyed dance-and-philosophy double-major. Katie and I had been sleeping together for more than two months—and saying “I love you” for about a week—when she summoned up the courage to bring up this one very painful truth.
At first, I didn’t know what she meant. She spoke so softly I had to lean across the table to hear her. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she said, “but sometimes I really don’t want to have sex. Sometimes I do, but not as often as you want it. And sometimes I want to tell you ‘no,’ but I can’t bring myself to do it. So I try and send you signals, hoping you can just tell how I’m feeling. But that doesn’t work, so it’s… it’s just easier to say ‘yes’ or just say nothing at all.”
My face flushed. I felt nauseated. I thought instantly of the previous night, where we’d grabbed what I thought was a hot half-hour when my roommates were both gone. Katie had seemed so passionate when we’d been making out, but then gotten very quiet once all our clothes were off. I’d told myself she wanted to have one ear cocked for the sound of a key in the door. I hadn’t considered—or hadn’t wanted to consider—the more obvious possibility: she was trying to tell me that she didn’t want to have sex.
I looked out the window. I couldn’t meet Katie’s eyes. My gaze fixed in the distance, my voice trembling, I asked what seemed the only possible question: “Are you trying to tell me I raped you?”
I was in my first women’s studies course, and just the previous week we’d been reading about sexual violence and the law. In class, where I was one of only three men, I’d felt rage thinking about all of those cruel assholes who didn’t understand that “no means no.” But now a dark and unseen possibility was opening up: not every “no” could be spoken. Maybe, I realized, sometimes even a quiet “OK” could be a “no” in disguise.
Katie started to cry. “Oh God, Hugo. No. Not rape. It’s just… I wish you could tell the difference between when I really want you and when I’d just rather be held.” She began to cry harder. “Fuck. It’s all my fault,” she wept. “I can’t expect you to be a mindreader. I’m so sorry.”
I begged Katie not to apologize; the responsibility was all mine, I insisted. I came around to her side of the table and held her. But something had changed for both of us, and the relationship was never the same. The one time we tried to have sex after that conversation, we were both so tentative (and I had, not surprisingly, a difficult time getting hard) that we gave up halfway through. We broke up two weeks before Christmas.
♦◊♦
Most “good guys” take a woman’s firm “No!” for an answer. (Those who don’t are best left to the ministrations of our criminal justice system.) But lots of men are like the guy I was at 19—assuming that while “no means no” anything short of a firm “no” is either a “yes” or a “keep at it, boy, because you just might get a ‘yes’ soon.” Call it male sexual legalism, the first rule of which is “All that is not expressly prohibited is assumed to be permitted.” That legalism can turn many men into accidental rapists.
While the legal standard of rape is increasingly well-defined (and what happened with Katie fell well short of that legal definition), common sense suggests that at its most basic, rape is nonconsensual sex. Too many of us, men and women alike, define consent as the absence of a clear “no,” rather than the presence of a clear, unmistakable, eager “yes.” The opposite of rape, in other words, is mutual enthusiasm.
The root of consent is the Latin consentire, which means “with feeling.” Consent is not just about words “no” or “yes”—it’s about the unambiguous presence of desire. That’s a very different and challenging standard. No, I didn’t legally rape Katie. But her reticence and my sexual legalism conspired to leave us having sex that at least some of the time fell well short of the standard of consent we should all want in our intimate lives.
I’m not putting all the blame on myself, or on men alone. It’s not fair to expect men to read minds, or even to perfectly intuit subtle body language. As I tell the teens with whom I work, a precondition for being ready for a sexual relationship is having the courage to say a firm “No” to the people you love. Overcoming the training to be an acquiescent people-pleaser is hard-but-necessary work, and because of the way we socialize girls, difficulty with saying “no” tends to be much more common among young women.
But guys have work to do also. Too many play what I call the stoplight game. Traffic signals, of course, have three colors: red for stop, yellow for caution, green for go. Good drivers are taught to stop on “red,” which functions as a “no.” But of course, even at the busiest urban intersections, no light stays red indefinitely. If you wait long enough at a stoplight, every red will become green. And when all we do is teach young men that “no means stop” when it comes to sexual boundaries, we often send them the message that if they just wait long enough (or pester, push, nag, beg, play passive-aggressive games) they’ll get the “green light” they’re so hungry for.
In both traffic and the bedroom, the most misunderstood light is yellow. Though driver’s ed classes teach that yellow means “slow down,” most of us see it as a warning to speed up to get through the intersection before the light turns red. Sexually speaking, the yellow means what it ought to mean on the road: “slow down, son.”
♦◊♦
Most of us are good at saying “no” to something or someone we don’t like. Most (sadly, not all) find it easy to flash the red light at a creepy guy who doesn’t interest them at all. But it’s tougher to say “not yet, I’m not quite ready” or “slow down” or “maybe later” to someone to whom you’re genuinely attracted. Reflecting on the sex Katie and I had so often, I realized that she often felt rushed and pressured to go to intercourse every time. She knew how to tell me when she wasn’t in the mood to do anything sexual at all, which was when she could “flash the red light.” But on those not-infrequent occasions when she wanted to make out and “fool around” but nothing more—she had no vocabulary for that. And over and over again, I took her reticence as a sign to “try harder” rather than to slow down. The blame for that rested on both of us.
Determining what another person really wants isn’t as easy as it should be. It’s further complicated by the reality that many women (and more than a few men) want to make their partners feel good—even if they don’t desire sex itself. Distinguishing between the desire to be desired, the desire to please a partner, and the desire for sex itself isn’t easy for any of us. Sometimes we need to do more than talk about what we want—we also need to clarify for ourselves and our lovers why we want it. That’s not easy, but it’s essential. We deserve that clarity.
Katie and I lived on different sides of campus; we each walked home separately from that devastating conversation in the café. I remember the guilt and the sadness I felt on that walk, but I also remember the determination I felt. I liked sex—I loved sex—but I knew I’d rather never have it again than have it with someone who was only doing it to soothe me, to please me, or because she couldn’t find the words to say “no” or “not now.” To the best of my imperfect ability, even at my most promiscuous, I have sought to live up to that promise I made to myself on the long walk home through the Berkeley streets.
I knew I hadn’t committed any crime. But the sense of sadness—tinged with disgust—at what Katie and I had conspired to allow to happen made me feel very much like an accidental rapist. Years of working with other men around issues of consent and sexuality have taught me I’m not the only one to have felt those feelings.
We all deserve better.
—Photo kainr/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
Here’s a nice guy who’s not a rapist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4hNaFkbZYU
See the problem?
Speak up ladies.
He responded perfectly to that, and she really was a moron.
And I REALLY hope that the number guys who see situations like that and think they should just go for it on the off chance is decreasing.
I think Hugo seems like a great guy, but look at the cultural undertone here: “I’m this great big man holding this tiny thing’s fragile little heart in my strong, capable hands. I could crush it in an instant!” And then comes the obligatory repentance to assert that he’s really a good guy: “and I’ll hate that power for all eternity!”
I don’t think Hugo is doing this on purpose, like I said, he’s obviously a good guy. None of us “good guys” cave to social-sexual stereotypes on purpose. And, of course, it takes two, as she’s his willing partner in this little litle dance; making Hugo responsible for her choice not to communicate (that poor, fragile thing!). I was a teenager once to0, and I like to think I grew up and got over it. It’s time for Hugo to cut himself a little slack!
I feel like this makes a bit too much of a generalization about men. I may be the exception, but in every sexual relationship I’ve been in, at some point I’VE been the one who has wanted to say no but felt like I couldn’t, usually because of a fear of hurting the girl’s feelings or getting into some protracted argument. I never felt taken advantage of; at most, I was annoyed that I felt powerless to assert my desires and have the other person respect them. The author makes a very good point that the ideal sex is between two people who are completely enthusiastic about it, but more caution needs to be used when throwing the word “rape” around.
Yes this is true for me as well. In every relationship with a woman I have been in a position where I had sex with her because I thought she wanted it and I knew if I said I didn’t want sex she would be annoyed. There is of course another element to this which is that I didn’t want to deny her sex because I didn’t want her to deny me sex when I wanted it. I didn’t feel powerless though. I just felt that this is one of the things you do in a relationship.
Now I am sure that someone will tell me that I am extremely dysfunctional, that I deserve better, that there is another much better world I could be a part of. But here is the thing in all of my relationships: I have been content, mostly very very happy and satisfied. So why should I care. The progressives are always telling us how much better things could be. But things aren’t getting better, we are just getting guiltier, more selfish, more competitive the more we listen to them.
Unlike moderns, I have never believed in optimization. Not everything is perfect. You are not always happy. You don’t always get exactly what you want. And the greater your expectations the more unhappy you will be. This is something the Stoics understood, the Buddhist knew, and many of the others who have thought deeply about it but that in our modern society we have completely lost sight of.
Notice Hugo words: We all deserve better. This type of thinking is a recipe for dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
I would have to disagree with your point and some others that have been posted. The relationship he poses is one of active consent with a mutually respectful and enjoyable togetherness. Too often society quantifies “rape” as a scenario in which the man is forcing down the woman and holds a weapon to her as he demands sex and takes it. To some, it’s obviously so much more than this, but to most it’s the only way to see it. If the victim isn’t bruised and bloody to prove they tried to fight, then their no is invalid. Because of a lack of understanding of the many different scenarios that could qualify as rape, the line is blurred. I’ve personally seen that it’s a sad occurrence that jokes are often made regarding sexual assault and rape- it’s in these situations that the word “rape” is thrown around carelessly. Sex needs to be the result of active consent, not assumed. The author doesn’t remove fault from the girl because she didn’t express how she felt, he makes the point that both parties are responsible, as it should be in every situation.
Assman, recognizing that our action or lack there-of leads us to inappropriate situations and negative feelings in a relationship that should be enjoyable is NOT a recipe for dissatisfaction and unhappiness. It’s a recognition in our responsibility of those feelings and a call for change.
We need an explanation of the moderation policy of the Good Men Project because its unacceptably opaque. It appears that GMP controls comments in order to control the debate. If they are going to do this they should be so sly about it.
I thought this was an extremely thoughtful article. In recent years I’ve learned to be more careful about “the yellow light,” and I’m vocal about when I only want to be close rather than sexual… But as a teenager and young woman that was hard, and there were definitely instances when the situation escalated at a pace that outstripped my ability to express discomfort. I had sex many te when I didn’t want to, sometimes with people whom I didn’t want to, because I felt like I owed them, because they just wouldn’t let up, or because I was worried it would be the end of the relationship if I asked them to stop.
I think this article walks a fine line between holding men accountable (be sensitive, look for non-verbal cues, etc.) and acknowledging that women have to learn how to express themselves. I’ve been sexually active for a decade now, and I’ve only been with one man that I felt followed the author’s suggestions. I’m not saying my experience is universal, just that maybe this article isn’t as off-base as some think it is.
Some people are still in the 1800′s. We in the last few years have made it a minefield for both sexes. We as human being do not want the reviled “Antioch” rules. one needed a yes for every stage. for example: may i kiss you rather than going for the kiss. May i kiss your.. etc burdensome and anti sex at it’s worst.
So “no” means “no”, and quiet consent means “no”, and “yes” might mean “no” too. I think I’ve got it now. Thanks for clarifying that.
It’s easy. Stop worrying about the nos, and pay attention. If you get an enthusiastic response, then go ahead, anything else, check. Surely you want to have sex with someone who really, really, really wants to.
Really? So we’re stopping the sexy train every 5 seconds to say is this ok?
Well Amanda, if that’s what you think it takes to avoid hurting someone, then perhaps so, though I suppose it depends on how willing you are to just go ahead and risk it.
I think the answer lies in the only useful thing they told me in high school “sex ed” – work out how you are going to respond to your partner AHEAD of time, NOT in the heat of the moment. That may mean you psyche yourself up to say “no” when you need to, or it might mean a quick conversation with or note to your partner ahead of time. (The “safety word” isn’t just for that whips-n-chains depraved dungeon scene!)
The idea that talking about physical intimacy ahead of time “ruins” the experience is silly at best, dangerous at worst.
Thank you, Aaron. I think the attitude that Amanda has posed is far too prevalent. No favors are being done by trying to preserve the passion in what could actually be an uncomfortable and possibly non-consensual relation.
Sorry it seems you two are not doing so well in the ability to communicate. This seems to really over-generalize and condemn all people who have sex and have a meeting of the minds well enough to be emotionally stable. It is as if one person can decide later for any reason that there was not a meeting of the minds when there was in an effort to guilt or shame the other person. It looks like there are contrary views here your presenting but not contradictory ones which would support the idea of cognitive dissonance your hinting at but not out and out saying.
Starting off with the statement that “Sometimes I say ‘yes’ when I’d rather say ‘no.’” implies your talking about some justification of cognitive dissonance but your not unless you really did not talk to her but took her clothes off because you were excited. In that case it may be you are attempting now to alter her perception of what happened by making it public. Do this person have her permission to talk about her sexual activity?
Another reason people talk so obtusely to other saying things like “Sometimes I say ‘yes’ when I’d rather say ‘no.’” is they want to break up with them and don not want to take responsibility for it so they cause a communication breakdown that leads to the inevitable. It could of have been she was just not into the person she said this to…just some thoughts..
I’m sorry you had to experience this. But it does capture a very real slice of American life. Women who’re denied ownership of their sexuality (they’re supposed to look sexy, but not act sexual, right?). Who’re told it’s their responsibility to keep guys at bay (because guys are guys and really can’t help themselves). And that sometimes you need to give in (to please).
All false, false, false.
But these ideas persist. With the result of unsafe sex and (as Abma has found) young women saying that even if the sex was consensual, it wasn’t always wanted.
Is it because they’re not supposed to want it? Or is it because they’ve been taught they shouldn’t want it. Or because they haven’t been equipped with the knowledge and means to say no AND yes. And to specify what exactly this means to them.
at my middle age of life , the only consentual sex there is , is in writting backed up verbally , and with her physical acceptance, since older women me age KNOW how to EXPRESS themselves at all times , it’s not quantity , but quality , and always time well spent , go slow , real slow , man .
There are plenty of times that my boyfriend and I have sex and I’m not all that into it, but I do it anyway. I’m still consenting, even without displaying the obvious level of desire mentioned in this article. I never feel taken advantage of afterwards, ever. Men and women — humans in general — are sexual beings. We, for the most part (not all of us), want sexual interaction. It’s up to the person who is uncomfortable or not consenting to speak up. No one is a mind-reader, and if you’re in the middle of being passionate on a smaller scale (making out or other foreplay), any adult is going to consider that leading to something even more intimate — sex. So adults are expected to express whether or not that is something they want. I completely agree with Scott’s comment above — but it does not only apply to women. Men and women need to speak out if they do not want their sexual relations to reach that stage. “No” means no, “yes” means yes — but body language speaks volumes. In this story, Katie became timid because she did not know how to say “no” but just as we are taught to seek consent (verbally or otherwise), we should also be taught to make consent clear. I’m not a victim-blamer, and I understand that many people feel that their consent — willful or otherwise — may affect their entire relationship. Still, we must have the self-respect enough to say NO when mean to.
Maybe instead of waiting for a yes or no you can ask your partner, ‘what do you want me to do to you?” or ‘what do you want to do to me?’ or something like that. Consent is a really tricky question because it’s hard to get consent constantly without taking some of the sexiness out of it.
Or make the assertion of “yes I want it” part of the foreplay.
At the end of the day a lot of the problems are to do with the fact that women and girls are often uncomfortable saying no to their partner, or feel that it’s their obligation to please them when the partner wants it. I think it’s the case for men too; men are always supposed to be at the ready and constantly wanting sex or they’re not ‘real men’.
Note: this can all apply if you reverse the sexes, too, I’m just going to stick with the set-up in the article.
I’ve definitely been in Katie’s position, and I’m lucky enough to have stuck it out with the guy, so I have his perspective also. First, I didn’t blame him at all; I did *wish* that he could have been a mind-reader but realized that the problem was my literal inability to say anything to stop things I didn’t want. He was interested in sex but definitely trying to be a good guy, and was torn up when I finally managed to explain things to him after the fact (although he still felt more generally bad for me than guilty, since he knows he’s not a mind-reader).
Anyway, asking for permission for every little thing could certainly kill the mood. I’d say that above all, we need to help girls be comfortable declaring their boundaries – it’s something I’ll focus on for sure if I ever have daughters.
And meanwhile, a workaround for men (or whoever’s the enthusiastic one) could be suggesting a sort of “safe word”. I just thought of this, haven’t tried it myself. It might be easier for the uncomfortable one to squeeze out a tiny, previously agreed upon word that means “put on the brakes,” and then talk from there if need be. (After all, odds are good that the mood is already dead for whoever uses the word!) That way if everyone seems enthusiastic and no one says the word, there’s no need to ask for a yes at every step.
How about women (because they should be women if they are having sex) just learn to say “No, not now.” Why do you need a safe word when NO is sufficient? I really don’t understand. I have been raped and believe me I said no. Even when I was scared I said no. Even when I was being choked I said no. Even when I was bleeding I said no. So why is it when a woman is in a safe situation with a man who supposedly cares about her she has a hard time saying no?
Amanda – why is it hard to say no? Don’t ask me, I’m just telling it like it is. It’s wonderful that this isn’t a problem you have. Notice how I said a safe word would be a workaround while girls (ok yes, Women) learn how to “declare their boundaries,” ie SAY NO. I fully agree that it’s terrible and even ludicrous not to be able to.
Ok, maybe the answer to “why?” is exactly because it’s not rape, because the guy is not a jerk and you like him, so how could something he’s doing be bad? Will he think it’s stupid if you say no? Again, I’m not saying any of these are good *reasons*, I’m just saying it happens. Please, absolutely, let’s have more women learning to say “No, not now.” Yes. Good. Two enthusiastic thumbs up!
…obviously no is NOT sufficient as you so clearly express with your story. The best precaution is to discuss it beforehand. If your partner is incapable of discussing with you maturely an unwanted sexual situation then at least you know beforehand that it’s not a relationship you want to be in. I honestly find it offensive that you would perpetuate the attitude so many people have about women being women and how no should be sufficient and in the same instance discuss how despite your “sufficient” no you were raped. Having been in that situation, you should seek the change to minimize this horrible victimization to others.
You are misunderstanding Amanda’s point. In the situation discussed in the article, her “no” would have been plenty sufficient to stop the sex. To then feel victimized, as if you had actually been raped (which the college girlfriend in the article did NOT, but the author still titles the piece “the accidental rapist”), would just be bizarre. (To feel awful in other ways, and maybe rightfully disappointed in or disgusted by your partner, would be pretty natural. But that is quite different from the deep trauma of a rape.)
Of course, if you are with a threatening person you really feel you have reason to fear, then quietly submitting to sex may be the best thing and yes, that is rape. But that is again an entirely different situation than the one in the article.
Does anyone make a “sexual consent form” pad? Just a small one should suffice, your name, her name, date, the sex act, date, signature. Carbon copy for her, original for you. I’d make things so much better.
As an actual rape victim, not someone who expected a guy to read my mind, I am almost offended by any idiot who thinks that a man should have to guess whether yes really means no. Say yes, say no…don’t be a wuss. If you are old enough to be having sex, you are old enough to speak your mind about it. Don’t say no just to get him to push for it so you feel some kind of power over him, don’t say no because you want to have sex but have some kind of virginal guilt complex and feel you need to be talked into it because if you don’t you are a tramp. Don’t say no because you want more foreplay, don’t say no when you really mean not right now because that just sets guys up to think if they push you enough you’ll give in.
If you say no and he doesn’t listen then he’s a rapist, if you say yes but mean no then you’re an idiot.
In addition, you’ve obviously missed the entire point of this article. The article is discussing the need to make both parties responsible, active consenters….not to preach that men should try to play mind-readers.
This reads to me as another way of a man claiming he won’t have sex with women until they do it exactly the way he dictates, and he’s setting the bar inhumanly high for any ongoing relationship.
The whole thing is entitled, manipulative bullshit. The man does not get to decide what ‘yes’ means (barring obvious incapacitation on the woman’s part). His article appropriates the right of a woman to say ‘yes’ and mean it and instead puts the power to interpret that ‘yes’ into the man’s hands.
I find relating anything that is being talked about in this article to rape is an abuse to rape victims. 99% of rapists KNOW they are raping and in fact what gets them off is rape. Anybody who has problems enforcing their boundaries due to cultural or personal reasons cannot fault the other person involved. If someone offers you something to eat and you don’t want to eat but you do not refuse and/or they continue to insist and you give in then it is YOU who has a problem. You have consented. It is you who have violated yourself by consenting to something you did not want. This article is offensive and even more so in that it couches its stupidity as pro woman.
Those are excellent poimts. Thank you
Nice victim blaming there, Ana. As a victim of something similar, I know that I was taught that a rapist is a scary guy hiding in an alley to catch me if I’m dressed “provocatively” and walking alone at night. I gave pseudo consent to an ex boyfriend who pressured me into sex even after I threw up from being nervous because I was scared as to what it would mean if I said no. Did I violate myself? Was that my fault?
“Did I violate myself? Was that my fault?”
Yes. Your boyfriend might have “pressured” you, but consent, whether “pseudo” or not, is consent. It’s called personal responsibility.
My husband, a good, wonderful man, has had a history of believing that “while “no means no” anything short of a firm “no” is either a “yes” or a “keep at it, boy, because you just might get a ‘yes’ soon.”” Later, in couples counseling, he admitted that when I declined sex that he didn’t believe me. He thought it meant he should try again later, or push harder. After having my “no” rejected and ignored so many times, most of the time, I gave in. It was easier than enduring an endless barrage of childish pleadings. And, after all, he was my husband. Women were supposed to have sex, even if they didn’t want to – even my counselor had said so. It got to the point that when he’d touch me, I’d go dead still and daydream so I wouldn’t have to feel what was going on. He never seemed to notice that I wasn’t mentally “there.”
I began having nightmares about my parents sexually abusing me, which was confusing and shameful, because they were good people that would never do such a thing. My husband was convinced I was repressing childhood sexual abuse. Then, one day, I woke up fresh from such a nightmare and realized – knew, without a doubt – that those dreams were about me and him. His overstepping of boundaries and my passive acceptance of this had led to a deep well of shame, helplessness, and trauma that I had been denying for a long time. I denied it because I loved him, and he was a good man, and I had consented.
I was relieved to find out what was going on. I tried explaining things to him, and he thought I was accusing him of rape. He panicked and told my family. Everyone was furious at me, saying a lot of things people in this thread have said: I was insulting real rape victims, I didn’t resist hard enough, somehow my “no” was’t sincere enough, or he would have stopped, whatever happened had been my fault, because he didn’t have to hold me down to do it. He was a good man. I loved him. I consented. The real trauma this situation produced, the one that gave me nightmares and turned sex into something fearful for me, was dismissed, because what I’d been through was conflated with rape. There was no inbetween words for non-consensual, or less than eager sex in our cultural vocabulary.
He and I went to counseling and we got it worked out. He learned that no means no. I found the courage to say it every time i needed to say it. These days, I can have sex even if I’m not in the mood; it can be enjoyable, if it comes from a place of love and generosity, instead of fear and complacence, and it helps knowing that when I do say no, it will be respected.
This article reached me, because I’ve been through it and I hope people understand the message I think the author is trying to get at: You have to listen, and you have to respect what your partner wants. Carelessness can lead to pain. The line between consent given with enthusiasm and consent given out of hopelessness and despair can be blurry. This is difficult to talk about because people want to turn it into a blame game, but it’s a mutual problem in the relationship. Dismissing it as a game of “crying rape” is hyperbolic and missing the point. It’s a problem that good people can have. People that love each other, and consent.
Maybe we could remove all instances of the word “rape” from this dialogue and get somewhere. Rape is an entirely separate and horrific thing, and it is not on the same plane as a decent man just not getting it. But that doesn’t mean that a loving man (or hey, a woman) can’t cause pain by pushing, and the fact that men *should* accept “no” and women *should* unhesitatingly say it, always and only when they mean it, doesn’t erase this problem.
The weird thing about feminists like Hugo Schwyzer is that he argues that women should be regarded as equals, then he also claims that women are poor, weak, pathetic beings who cannot be expected to speak up for themselves. I’m with Amanda; if you can’t assert yourself like an adult during sex, then you should not be having sex in the first place.
Please read Aeaon Blue’s post above. While I agree with you in essence, she demonstrates so perfectly why it’s neither called for nor necessary or decent to call women in this situation “poor, weak, pathetic creatures”, just to avoid having their issues conflated with rape.
Like ThatGirl says, these are two entirely separate sexual issues, one truly horrific and one kinda-awful-too-though-on-a-whole-different-scale. Though on the surface they’re similar since they’re about sex and consent. Removing the word rape from discussion of the latter would be a very good start for feminists.
I just thought I would post a quick comment of a perfect example of this article. There’s a movie called “Boys on the Side”. This scene comes up where a guy and girl are making out and groping and he lays her down and starts to unsnap her bra. She says “No…no…wait…I’m a little drunk…no” but he keeps trying and sure enough he finally gets his way.
So just to be sure, the good men project is a feminist blog parading as a men’s blog in order to tell men how they should act based on the theories of people who believe nobody has the right to tell them how to act?
It appears that Hugo seems to only write anti male pieces that paint men as bad – women as victims. I guess I should have guessed from the name of the blog that men are inherently bad and therefor need a project to set them straight unlike those perfect other genders whom need no advice.