The Anti-Sex Equation

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About Harris O'Malley

Harris O'Malley provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove, as well as writing the occasional guest review for and appearing on the podcast The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and Twitter (@DrNerdLove.)

Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor.


  1. Richard Aubrey says:

    About twenty years after I got out of college, mainly by accidentally confirming a couple, I twigged to the fact that what I had warmly recalled as half a dozen or more times one woman or another whom I knew but was not dating was particularly kind or pleasant or complimentary, or in some other way indicated I was a good guy….were actually substantial IOIs.
    Way I figure it, being completely oblivious is so much the opposite of needy that it works as a positive attractor.
    Go figure.

    • Peter von Maidenberg says:

      Paging Dr. Heisenberg: How many of those IOIs might actually have depended on your not showing, and continuing not to show, any interest? Responding might have altered their perception of you.

  2. Good advice. I do wish the author was able to put it more succinctly. More words isn’t always better.

  3. Good piece. My rule is “if you can’t be happy without me, you certainly won’t be happy with me”.

    • Words to live by

    • FlyingKal says:

      “And if you ‘re happy without me, you’ll most probably regard me as an intrusion and a nuisance anyway…”

      • Peter von Maidenberg says:

        Words I live by. In the final analysis, there’s no good reason for the needy person to burden others. S/he is not exactly expendable, but perhaps should behave as if socially expendable and just try to get by alone.

      • Touche! Good for you.

        Men and women are here to make each other happy, build each other’s esteem, and make each other secure. That is the whole purpose of a loving relationship! Or did we forget that part?

        That’s what loving relationships are for, to build each other up and take care of each other…so two people make a strong team…not roommates.

        No one wants to feel like a ‘roommate’ or a ‘nuisance’ in a relationship.

  4. FlyingKal says:

    I just have to wonder, after looking back at the people I had around me in my teens and 20′s, are the majority of the dudes (and dudettes) getting the action, reeally that much better off than the rest of us, in the departments that Dr Nerdlove keeps bantering about?

  5. Peter von Maidenberg says:

    It’s like anything else. The more in need you are, the less people want to help. It’s a well-ingrained social instinct to shun the weak.

    • The author states “neediness is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can display. Not only does it display low emotional intelligence – after all, you’re showing that you are incapable of balancing your emotional needs—but needy behavior is toxic to relationships.”

      This is a TOXIC statement and I question this author’s emotional intelligence.

      Esteem is a human emotional NEED. Look it up. Humans have emotional NEEDS and when their needs are not met in a relationship, they grow a little “needy”. Duh? It becomes difficult to fill other’s needs when one is focused on your own needs.

      “Esteem is an individual’s evaluation of one’s importance/significance in the world or relation to others. (esp. in relation to our significant others)
      While self-esteem on the other hand, is the overall feeling of affection toward oneself.”

      Our esteem/self-esteem/confidence will fluctuate thoughout our lives…work to build each other, not criticize a human need. Geez.

      I’ll take 100 needy men, over 1 arrogant man, any day! I’m not afraid or intimidated by a person’s emotional needs or self-esteem.

  6. “Needy people constantly require validation and reassurance….”

    So true— needy people suck up so much emotional energy…! And it is a bottomless pit! BTDT

    Guys that just hover and stare at your butt just send so many negative vibes to a woman… Someone who is at ease with himself will smile, come over right away, and shake hands and make polite greetings….

    Great insights! People who look like they are having fun will attract more people than someone who is glowering in the corner by himself….

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