Daniel Dowling shares the biggest challenge in his formation as a man, and how he conquered it.
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A man is defined not by what he takes from a woman, but by what he gives.
The main struggle of being a man has always been the becoming. During my formation as a youth, I had the idea that men were measured by what they took from women; it was part of the culture. Junior high and high school weren’t about preparing for a lifelong love, but about seeing how much a guy could get away with.
My friends and I got away with a lot, but we lost a whole lot more.
I didn’t know that you can’t take from a woman without taking from yourself, or that a man only has what he gives.
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I didn’t know that you can’t take from a woman without taking from yourself, or that a man only has what he gives. So I chased pleasure in the beauty of women, and I delayed my manhood.
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Manhood
A man is characterized by the life giving qualities he brings to his community; by virtue. The key that unlocks our greatest potential as men is a desire to serve and to make sacrifices for the ones we love. That desire is preprogrammed into every human being, but is often short-circuited by social standards.
The first response we have when struck by beauty is to make gifts for the ones we admire. Men who court women take any opportunity they can to make their lover’s day brighter, and to share whatever they can. Women do the same in displays of affection and thoughtfulness. But something is interfering with our innate desire to give freely to the ones we love: it’s wrecking our relationships, and it’s preventing guys from becoming men.
This same thing almost stole my manhood for good.
How porn impacted me
I discovered porn in the 5th grade. From the moment I found it, I couldn’t go a day without sneaking around to get more. It was like a drug to me, and the high got me hooked. But the most profound likeness to a drug is this: for all the pleasure I got out of porn, I hurt myself so much more.
My young mind needed the instruction to look deeper into the needs of others. But every time I watched porn, I rewrote over my natural program to give freely.
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Every time I watched porn, I rewrote over my natural program to give. My young mind needed the instruction to look deeper into the needs of others, and to channel my sexual desire in ways that benefited my future wife, my community, and myself. But instead of learning to become a man through what I gave, I became addicted to what I could take. And I ingrained that toxic habit in a daily ritual.
We become what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. —Aristotle
When I watched porn I was over the moon, but I had to stab myself in the heart to get there. You might think that is an exaggeration, but my heart would actually have physical pain when watching porn. To me, the results of porn use were nothing short of devastating.
Because I was influenced by the drive to take, take, take, I struggled with giving in a relationship. Every new fling left me with less than I started with because I looked to satisfy myself first, and at any cost. Love became meaningless to me. Since today’s standards of romance are so low, I was labeled as a hopeless romantic. But I wasn’t a hopeless romantic; I was a guy who was inhibited from loving selflessly and courageously. Porn makes a difference.
I was labeled as a hopeless romantic, but I wasn’t. I was just a guy who hadn’t learned to love selflessly and with courage. Porn makes a difference.
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The many talents I was blessed with remained dormant as long as I looked for pleasure in what I could take. Not coincidentally, my talents bloomed when I gave up porn; when I took seriously the responsibility of loving like a man.
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Becoming
After several failed relationships and years of aching for purpose, I decided to look deeper into the becoming part of manhood. I also looked into why men were being so rapidly outmoded in society, because I felt the two issues were related.
During my search it occurred to me that everything in life has life-supporting functions. Women’s functions can’t be argued, because they bear life. (And pretty much do everything, let’s be honest.) They naturally make sacrifices to be part of the life cycle; every menstruation is like a miniature child-birth, which can be intensely painful. Try talking to a woman about her struggles sometime. Just physically being a woman can be a big challenge for many.
It takes sacrifice to grow into womanhood no matter how you cut it, and in their sacrifices, women unveil their ability to give and add to life. In their trials, women are called to think of the life that will one day be inside of them.
This led me to question: What sacrifices was I making to play my part in community? How can I look outside of myself and to the needs of others? What trials were males skipping out on that made us obsolete? (We’ve actually been taken out of college textbook definitions for “family,” FYI.)
All the questions led me to the same answer:
Sexual Desire
Heterosexual men are naturally and intensely attracted to the opposite sex. Every guy has a level of sexual desire regardless of orientation, but what makes the guy a man is how he acts on it. Men are made by giving and growing through their sexual desire. And most guys are content to use sexual desire for personal profit.
Women: your virtue and high standards are instrumental in making a man. If you’ve been asking where all the men are, look at your standards. We’re in this together.
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As a younger person I inverted my sexual desire through pornography. Instead of responding to my natural attraction with creativity and courage, I programmed my mind to see what and how much I could take for myself. I became weak, mentally and emotionally. I missed so many opportunities to serve others through my talents; I missed the sacrifices that go into making a man.
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My life began when I gave up porn
As the puzzle pieces locked into place, I saw the missing ingredient of giving in manhood. When I made the connections and started my journey of becoming, I was finally able to express the talents that had been subdued by a take-first lifestyle. I discovered my career in helping others to improve their lives through my talents, which made any passing pleasure of porn seem like a candle against the sun.
If life is all about how we look at it, then how could the take-first perspective of porn serve our greatest good? How can we build the unconditional love required in marriage if our first condition is the pleasure we get from someone? And how can we escape that condition if we condition ourselves with pornography?
I, for one, could not escape the conditioning of porn; so I opted for a better way. I knew I wasn’t going to go through the pain of menstruation and ovulation, so I looked for the challenges that would help me to give like a man. And letting go of porn was first on the list.
After giving up porn I changed my thoughts from, “What can I get?” to “What can I give, how can I grow, and where can I help?”
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After I conquered that first obstacle, I adopted a give-first attitude that progressed with time, intention, and effort. I began to see women as the beautiful creatures they are, who are infinitely worthy of respect and cherishing. I changed my thoughts from, “What can I get?” to “What can I give, how can I grow, and where can I help?”
And on those thoughts I built a man I can proudly and confidently share with my community. I also built a career where I help men and women build strong families and lasting love. My life today is a constant challenge to improve myself and enhance the lives of others along the way. It’s also 10,000 times better now that I’ve given up porn and accepted my role as a man.
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Conclusion
- What could you be doing with your sexual desire?
- Are you using it to share your gifts freely towards a more prosperous and peaceful world?
- Are you growing as a person through it? Are you inspired to love more unconditionally through it?
- Is your response to sexual desire emphasizing your manhood, or is detracting from it?
- Is your response to sexual desire building a lifetime of love with your spouse? Is it creating a world where women are deeply respected and cherished?
These are big and challenging questions, I understand. But learning how to love like a man is the biggest challenge we face. Will you accept it?
First published at Dowlingwriter.com
Photo—Mitch Barrie/Flickr
You make a lot of sweeping generalizations that your situations, your outlook and your ways of handling different aspects of life are or should be universally applicable.
I have never, not during my teens, nor during any significant period before or after that, consciously entertained the idea that my value or definition as a man is in any way related to what I can take away from anyone else.
“Consciously entertained”… Thanks for chiming in Kal!
“Sex is the gift that creates and supports new life. It’s the greatest power we have, and when we lack the virtue to go along with it, our families and relationships crumble. Sexuality is the incentive for virtue, which makes it a defining characteristic of manhood. But I can only assert that because I’ve devoted my life to the search for truth.” The quoted paragraph may actually be a more lucid means by which I can demonstrate my point. I fully agree with the first sentence, but disagree with the second. I’ll engage my penchant for metaphorical logic here: One… Read more »
No Dan, but thank you for asking as I value this type of discussion. It is important to have. I believe that we are talking two different things here. One the imperative to pro-create, the other becoming a whole man. One can pro-create without ever becoming that whole man. In fact, that is one of our social problems. We see it in the inner city, men finding their manhood by how many kids they can leave in their wake. They are not men, because they see pro-creation as the goal. A whole man realizes that pro-creation is the beginning of… Read more »
I reject that whole women have intrinsic value, but men have to earn it tripe. That’s the kind of thinking that leads to male disposability. News flash every human life has intrinsic value. If it’s reproduction that’s the main issue, no woman has ever reproduced without sperm. IVF may have done away with sex, but not sperm and if reproduction is the measuring stick then those guys knocking up dozens of women must be “real” men. Far from porn use ruining my life, it’s allowed me to view women as people first. Once sex is off the table that’s the… Read more »
I don’t see what sexual desire has to do with being a man, let alone how direct it at other people. You can remove sex from the equation entirely, for a variety of reasons, and your manhood is unchanged regardless.
Sex is the gift that creates and supports new life. It’s the greatest power we have, and when we lack the virtue to go along with it, our families and relationships crumble. Sexuality is the incentive for virtue, which makes it a defining characteristic of manhood. But I can only assert that because I’ve devoted my life to the search for truth.
…and Dan. I absolutely agree that treating women well is an aspect of being a man, that we are forgetting that. No question. I’m looking at the journey being a bit different, not the destination
Though I understand where, Dan is coming from, and I think a great many men out there need to just grow up, I caution about that revolving around women. It is that very focus on women (as Dan pointed out) that stunts a boy, be that positive or negative. A boy that spends his time trying to please women is still centering his worth upon women. Personally, I don’t think becoming a man has anything to do with women. One becomes a man, then being secure in his manhood, is able to give and take freely. The Sioux natives had… Read more »
You don’t think manhood has anything to do with the sex that our existence hinges upon? Hmmm.
Problem with manhood rituals is it’s external validation. You’re a man when you stop looking for others to validate you including women.
@ John Anderson,
“You’re a man when you stop looking for others to validate you including women.”
Bingo!!! Now we’re talking!
Love this! I don’t begrudge anyone the right to do with their lives as they please as long as it doesn’t harm another. But I was introduced to porn by finding my father’s stash when I was a little girl, less than 10 years old. I literally saw it, and other accompanying vices, wreck his life to the point where he lost all self-respect and was willing to risk everything to satisfy his selfish pleasures. It almost had me until i realized that it was sucking the life from his and my soul. You think the people involved in making… Read more »
Daniel
” every time I watched porn I rewrote over my natural program to give”
Yes Daniel!
Well said.
Thank you Silke! I hope it inspires men to think deeper. Much deeper than what these comments reflect.
Thank You Dan…Awesome!!! So many men today simply do not know who they are as people.
Thanks for your support Jules! I know, and it’s because we’ve lost the connection between sexuality and new life. As long as that is the case, men will not have purpose or significance. So sad to think how many people remain trapped because of shame, or fear.