Susie and Otto Collins explain how to navigate the treacherous waters of commitment.
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Men get a bad rap when it comes to commitment. They’re still the ones portrayed in movies, TV shows and ads as squirming and squeamish when it comes to committing to their partner. Whether it’s a marriage proposal, agreeing to move in together or just officially being a couple, the persistent assumption is that heterosexual men are the ones trying desperately not to be “tied down” while women are the ones aiming to “rope” them in and get the ring.
The problem is, it’s just not true!
Sure, there are plenty of men who aren’t ready to commit to what their partner wants, but there are also plenty of women who are just as unwilling to take their relationship to the next level.
When it comes to commitment, it’s all about timing and fit—whether you’re a man or a woman. If you’re into the person you’ve been spending time with and getting intimate with and if you’re in a place of emotional readiness in your life and if that fits with where your partner is, then commitment is no big deal. It develops naturally and blissfully.
But countless couples run into trouble when it comes to commitment. Huge recurring arguments happen because of the “C” word. This is not just because they want different things or the timing is off, it’s also because couples make this common mistake. They look at commitment from a “what’s in it for me” mindset. The main focus (and fear) is that the other person won’t be able to give them what they want the most.
Here are a few of the underlying reasons why people want more commitment in their relationships:
1. Security
2. Dependability
3. Affirmation of attractiveness/importance
4. And even freedom. (A clear commitment can be liberating because the relationship parameters are on the table instead of remaining fuzzy or assumed.)
Our need for commitment is understandable because honestly, it’s just how we are. It’s not even necessarily bad. The “me” perspective is where we live—it’s what we know.
Unfortunately, when a man (or a woman) approaches commitment from a me-centered point of view only, the relationship suffers. Not only are the needs and desires of the partner neglected, but the needs of the relationship itself are left undiscovered and ignored.
What’s left is a whole lot of disappointment, insecurity, resentment and a deadly distance.
Just because we humans are naturally selfish doesn’t mean there’s nothing we can do to shift the balance and prevent this commitment mistake.
Take a new approach
We urge you to be honest with yourself and get to know what you want and what you’re ready for as your relationship continues. That’s vital information that you need to honor and be upfront about.
But be sure to also expand beyond your “what’s in it for me” worldview and get curious. Take a fresh approach to your partner and your relationship and find out what s/he really wants.
Ask and observe.
When you’re talking about your relationship commitment or any other subject, which of your words and actions seem to light up your partner and which seem to push her or him away?
What is your partner asking of you that you’ve resisted or rejected? Again, whether this is about commitment or something else, go inside yourself to understand your resistance and reach for a solution that will satisfy you both.
Create clear agreements that you can both feel good about
Especially when it comes to commitment, it’s essential to come up with a clear and conscious agreement that both of you contribute to and that both of you can feel good about—maybe even thrilled with.
Even if you feel sure your partner will be upset by it, be honest and open and keep talking. It’s usually far better for both of you to know what the other one wants because the guessing game can be inaccurate and destructive.
Choose your words carefully and use phrases like, “I’m willing to_____” instead of only listing off what you won’t do. When you keep it positive and make sure your partner knows how important s/he is to you, it’s more likely that the agreement will feel satisfying to both of you and will be reached more quickly too.
The words you use when talking about difficult topics—like commitment—mean the difference between tension and conflict OR ease and connection.
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image credit: Flickr/Mustafa Khayat
Other Articles by Susie + Otto Collins:
Everyone’s making this way too complicated. If you’re afraid of something, that fear may be founded or unfounded. Usually it’s a combination of both. It’s up for you to decide, as a grown-ass adult, which applies to you. Maybe being afraid of commitment is unfounded, and the problem is inside you. But maybe, just maybe, what other people call commitment is seriously flawed. Can we just make room for the possibility that the people saying “he’s afraid of commitment” are the ones who have the problem? I find that those people are often running away from their own fears about… Read more »
wellokaythen: I don’t think anybody is saying (we’re certainly not) that commitment is only about marriage or that marriage is the only commitment to make in a relationship. Our message is about helping people create the kind of relationships they want and that doesn’t always invovle getting married. Being upfront about the kind of commitment you’re willing to make in a relationship (even if it’s a new-ish relationship or a more casual one), makes for fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings and greater overall satisfaction. This is all about having clear agreements so that you both know what to expect.
Don’t ever commit just for the sake of commitment. Don’t commit just to show other people that you can, and don’t commit to avoid the shame of being branded “afraid of commitment.” There is absolutely no reason to commit to a romantic relationship that’s been bad for you from the beginning. Making a commitment can be the responsible thing to do, but it can also be an irresponsible thing to do. Committing when you’re not ready or able is even more immature than living in fear of commitment. Finally, don’t let other people define for you “what commitment really means.”… Read more »
Great article, Susie and Otto.
Looking at myself reading this, I question my own barriers to a serious, long-term relationship after my divorce 2 yrs. ago. I adore, respect, appreciate, admire my girlfriend. I “commit” myself to be exclusive and consistently present and loving. But….jumping into the “M” word again creates a lot of tension within.
Thanks for a good read!
Hi Steve! And that kind of honesty– with yourself and with your partner– is what makes for a healthy relationship (even if there are triggers thrown in there too). As you well know, you get to decide what works for you as you go along and when a couple can communicate about what they really want (and how that might change over time), that can make for a passionate and amazing relationship.
Thank you for this piece. I find this article very appropriately applicable to not only young growing relationships but also to those who’ve been married before and are tentatively re-entering the world of relationships. The C-word, as noted here, is a veritable minefield for those who have tried and due to whatever circumstances contributed to their prior marriage(s) to fail, makes one especially hesitant to go all in, in a new relationship. Timing and serious self-reflection is needed before one can truly express their “I’m willing to’s”. I am one who’s been through 2 marriages so yes, I fully grasp… Read more »
Great point James! There can be a lot of baggage from past relationships that gets in the way of a natural unfolding when it comes to commitment and taking regular time to check in with yourself to know what you’re ready for/what feels right right now is key. Thanks for adding that!