The way society defines our genders makes it scary to defy the boxes, but self knowledge and forgiveness can help.
—
The man box is a bunch of things. You have to be tough. You can’t be caring or nurturing. It’s all about pressure from society, from the people around you.
These two boxes fit together like puzzle pieces. If you have the woman in the woman box and the man in the man box, both of them are unhappy.
|
Of course there’s also the woman box. They don’t talk much about the woman box. In the woman box a woman thinks that she has to have big boobs, blond hair, lots of makeup, and maybe even some Botox. She can’t be who she is because she has to be as sexy as the women you see in Cosmo, or on social media, TV, and at the movies.
And men, how are you supposed to act towards women? In today’s society, are you supposed to “nail” anything that offers herself to you? Brag about it? Be Macho?
These two boxes fit together like puzzle pieces. If you have the woman in the woman box and the man in the man box, both of them are unhappy. They don’t fit, they don’t feel right, but they think, “Hey, this is what I am “supposed” to do so I will go with it.”
Meanwhile, they are fighting within themselves.
The key to the man box is knowing yourself. Part of that is forgiving yourself. Until you forgive yourself for being hurt at some point, and feeling sad about it, you will still be in the man box. It’s not just about anger. Talking about anger is so tired. It’s done with. They have beaten that rug enough. It’s not about anger all the time. The reason men come off as angry is because they are not allowed to be themselves. They’re not allowed to have any other emotion.
They feel afraid to come out of the man box, because as soon as they come out of the man box, they are different from the other men and if they are around others who are still in the man box they will pounce. Because anything that is different is bad and it’s hard to understand.
If you don’t forgive yourself you are never going to know that part of you that is sensitive, nurturing, and loving.
|
Of course, women are the same way. Look at a girl that isn’t all dolled up, they say “Look at her, how could she come out without makeup? “ Getting out of the man or woman box is about knowing yourself, being proud of yourself. The key is you have to forgive yourself before you can get to know yourself.
If you don’t forgive yourself you are never going to know that part of you that is sensitive, nurturing, and loving. Accepting yourself, knowing yourself, and forgiving yourself is where your greatest strength lies.
That is really when the greatest connections become possible. As soon as you do those things, the man box goes poof. You don’t have to break out of the box; it just disappears. Those men who come off all macho and angry are more insecure than anyone. The men in the corners of the man box are probably the ones that are the most aware. But they are often pushed away because the other men fear a man who is truly aware.
◊♦◊
How do the man box and the woman box overlap? Guess what. Beyond adolescence and the early 20’s, the bad boys aren’t so attractive any more, unless a woman is so insecure, so very hurt, so deep down in her woman box that she still goes after the 40 year old bad boy still wearing his hat backwards and driving the hopped up truck and shopping for hair implants, because he just can’t stand who he is because he has no clue who he is. There the man box and the woman box overlap and everyone in them is in pain.
Forgiveness is the key to the man box, but until men accept themselves, they are still going to be looking for who they are supposed to be. The man box is only what society says that men are supposed to be. Don’t cry. Don’t show emotions. Don’t be nurturing. Men who are too insecure to escape the box are willing to label the person who is. And men who cry, who show emotions other than anger, who nurture and love themselves and others, might be shunned unless they can find their path and make their way.
As soon as you know yourself, you don’t have to worry about what society says you are.
|
But get to know yourself. Forgive yourself. Because when you do, you will get to know people more deeply and more connectedly more than most. You’ll get to know other men who want to have deepening relationships with those they care about. Men who want to feel. Men who want to be there for their children, support and empower their partner, stand beside their brothers and sisters.
Family members may judge you, if they don’t know themselves, haven’t forgiven themselves, they won’t understand. The way things were still remains comfortable for them, not necessarily good, but comfortable. If you change, it may create more judgment and push back. Let them push and let them judge. Sooner or later, they will recognize your new normal and come to appreciate it.
As soon as you know yourself, you don’t have to worry about what society says you are.
When you come home, you are with you, with yourself. And it is a good thing.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Getty Images
There was a conversation I had with I believe some MRAs on reddit. I hesitate to recount it as it could seriously be considered victim blaming, but it does illustrate the boxes and how it affects society. Ready. Here it is. If you don’t want to be falsely accused of rape, don’t brag about having sex with a woman. A lot of the guys agreed with the sentiment, but it gets to the boxes and how they interact to cause trouble. The guy proves his masculinity not just by having sex with a woman, but he proves it to other… Read more »
Interesting thought. I’m curious about one thing. The guy proves his masculinity not just by having sex with a woman, but he proves it to other men by bragging about it. While there is some truth to that said man is attracting those women somehow. Bragging about his sexual prowess. Being in a relationship with a woman (which tells other women that he is doing something right and thus is worth stealing). A man must prove his masculinity to men and women so that both will acknowledge him as a “real man”. Oh one more thing, If you don’t want… Read more »
@ Danny
Good to hear from you again.
Yeah been a bit quiet lately. I’m working on getting married this coming Halloween so time is short and patience is thin.
Congratulations Danny! She’s one lucky lady.
Congratulations.
Good for you and congrats!
The only thing I would disagree with is the expansion of the “women box.” There has not been a “women” box for a very long time. That was part of the goal of the feminists was to breakdown the walls and allow women to do what they want, when they want it wherever they want.
Perfectly said in my opinion tom. That’s the point of the whole thing. You need to be comfortable in all the aspects of being what a man means to you. And that other men have that same ability without others judging them that they are or aren’t an example of being THEIR version of a man. The nanosecond anyone does that to someone else then that defines the (their) man box. Women have done a pretty good job of expanding their woman box. Feminism has been really pretty good about what being a woman is and it’s pretty inclusive among… Read more »
Mark,
I agree that feminism has done a great job. A great job in getting women to a position to mostly be allowed free choice of boxes, or to have their cake and eat it. too.
There was a female author that revealed a rather telling story here the other day, how she was told by her husband “When we wake up in the middle of a night by a strange sound from the bottom floor, the last thing you want to hear is that I’m scared too.”
@ Mark Maybe I’m just an anomaly, but I don’t think so. I’ve grown up with ideas of what a man should be. They may have been more important to me when I was younger or maybe they just weren’t challenged enough, but here’s the thing. I’ve never selected friends based on whether they were alpha males. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt threatened. I’ve always had a no a**hole rule and people have often told me that your friends are cool. Some of my friends don’t drink and they’re accepted. They’ll often be the designated driver. Some of them… Read more »
Me neither John. I generally dislike the posturing of the alpha. I have that same asshat rule. And while we may not be anomalies in small groups in the larger scheme it’s a different ballgame. You have to be pretty tight before the acceptance comes freely. Just my take.
Tim. You can speak for some men, certainly for yourself, how many is many is debatable and of course there are men who want to be free of any judgment from either other men or women. They just want to be themselves. The man box is real as a metaphor of the rules. Some rules are more flexible than others so can be less harsh and sometimes even adapted as just an oddity. But make no mistake. That you are comfortable where you are is a combination of nature and nurture. And that changes from individual to individual. Your view… Read more »
Except, and here’s the thing, people who talk about these “man boxes” don’t actually want to get rid of the box, they just want to change the shape of it. Just like everybody else, they have their idea of what a “real man” looks like (I mean, how many articles on this very site have titles that start with the phrase ‘what all men should…’ or ‘X number of things ‘real men’ do when…”
And the real irony is how many of these articles are written by women.
Agreed. There is more womansplaining on this site than anywhere else. The biggest problem with womansplaining is that it presupposes that validation from women is the major reason any man does anything – including change himself.
@ 8ball Agreed, but it’s a little more nuanced then that. Different groups have ideas of what being a man is as well as society in general on several levels. A city block may have a different idea than the next block or the neighborhood which may have a different idea than the city which may have a different idea than the state, etc. I myself have an idea of what a man is. It’s a very wide range. I think though the key to it being a box is either 1. it must be imposed on you. There must… Read more »
You’re right, I can only speak for myself or a select many that I know. A “man” box has nothing to do with his gender. It has everything to do with personal issues he has in life. The “man” box is no more then someone labeling issues or struggles that men have. The “man” box, by its very name has placed men in a gender category rather then a human category. A “man” box in and of itself says there is something wrong with men who chose a way of life that he’s comfortable in but is now judged for… Read more »
And of course my comment is m’d
There is no “man box.” I along with countless other men are tried of being told we’re in a “man box.” Each man chooses what his life is.. STOP telling us that we are. Quit telling us what’s in that so called “box” because many men have chosen that life and are happy, well adjusted and successful. The way you make it sound, I’m surprised men are able to put on their pants in the morning.
You’ve sited negative stereotypes that represent a small minority of men.
So, for example, you would tell a boy who’s ridiculed and marginalized for not having an interest in sports that there’s no “man box” (in other words, a set of expectations that are forced upon him by others who refuse to respect his own preferences)? Interesting. Many of the worst judges of guys (in terms of questioning their “masculinity”) are other guys, but the claim is made that the only villains who cause problems for men and boys are feminist women. That certainly was true as I was growing up, and I doubt much has changed since.
Forget it, Tom. You need not respond. I’m removing myself from this “discussion.” All of us here, myself included, have our minds made up. Nothing is to be gained. Usually, minds aren’t changed. So, what’s the point? There is no promotion of understanding. It’s just people attacking others with whom they disagree. Anything I post here or in just about any other Internet forum is an exercise in vanity. Besides, I’m likely to lose my temper whenever I post about an issue that’s a “hot button” one for me.
Best regards.