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Society, family, friends and even strangers seem to be asking one question once you find yourself entering your 30s: have you found your soulmate? As if this is a prerequisite to middle age. The only way to sail through this time is to have someone firmly standing by your side. If you promptly reply “no, I haven’t,” you’re met with either the oh poor you looks or the ever so annoying comment “don’t you worry because he’s still out there”.
Hmmm… Can you smell my cynicism? Am I wearing it on my shirt? Sometimes I forget to neatly tuck it away under my smile.
In the past, this conversation would often evoke feelings of loneliness, isolation, and pity followed by a binge fest of either Sex And The City if I wanted to feel empowered, or Say Yes to The Dress if I wanted to feel even more like crap. All the while I’m drowned in a sea of engagement announcements, weddings, couples moving in together and starting their lives. These announcements don’t help to dull the feelings of complete inadequacy. My face hurts a little more as I smile exuberantly and say yet another “congratulations!”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely happy for those close to me who are celebrating their lives. It does (however) bring to light what I don’t have and I feel like I’m thrown off my grind; unable to distract myself from the desire for emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction. After another set of announcements while being in the midst of yet another break up, I cried. I cried so hard that my soul shook. I cried for every loss, every hurt, and every disappointment I’ve endured. I cried for what I was robbed of. I questioned why I was being made to suffer considering all of the positive qualities I possessed.
Then something miraculous happened! I let it go. I decided then and there that my days of feeling sorry for myself were over. I realized through my pain and discomfort that being broken, scared, frustrated and angry was no way to enter into a new relationship. If I didn’t shape up, I was doomed to repeat the same mistakes. I knew it was time for some serious emotional spring cleaning. I stopped believing that there was something “wrong” with me and that this was why I was single. I reframed my thinking, and took stock of what I was grateful for. I reviewed goals that I wanted to accomplish this year and I felt excited about them. I reflected on how far I’ve come, what I’ve accomplished thus far and all the wonderful things that I truly believed were coming down the pipeline. Lastly, I gave thanks for my resilience and my ability to adjust and bounce back from life challenges. I realize that all the time I could have settled for shitty relationships, I didn’t! This was empowering! I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I want a partner who has worked on himself well. The best part of my release was that I realized I was willing to be patient and wait for that person.
On this day I stopped looking for my soulmate. I started loving myself and letting go of the notion that I was incomplete. By immersing myself in all the things I love and loving myself inside and out every day – this is the way for me to truly love the life I am living. Do I get lonely sometimes? Yes of course I do! Am I slightly envious of people who have found love? Yep! However, I realize now that I’m not someone to feel sorry for. Considering all my life circumstances and unique set of challenges, I have come so far. I choose myself first. I love myself fully and I want myself to such an extent that I feel whole on my own. When the right person comes, it will not be to fill a void, but to enhance my joy and fulfillment.
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Photo Credit: Sarah Wolfe on Unsplash