If someone asked you why they should get married when dating seems like the same thing, what would you say?
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A good friend of mine shot me a message the other day asking to talk. When we got on the phone, he asked me a question that left me puzzled. He’s a single guy that has been dating but is thinking about getting serious and committing. He asked me what was the difference between dating and marriage. It should have been a straightforward answer on my part, but I was stumped.
It’s not, however, the same as being marriage.
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I have been married for sixteen years. I married my wife the day after I turned 18, so I should have an interesting perspective on getting married young. My friend is a younger guy who’s in his late twenties. After thinking about our talk, and what I would have said, here are four differences between dating and getting married.
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Dating is a tryout for marriage. Dating offers you the chance to explore and learn before you make the serious commitment of marriage. You can move in with someone and share different aspects of your life to test out what marriage would be like with that person. It’s not, however, the same as being married. There are different legal aspects of marriage (such as bank accounts, taxes, will’s, etc.) that you can’t experience while dating. This can be good or bad—it depends on your specific situation.
It’s dangerous to try the benefits of marriage when you’re dating. That legal stuff, well, you can try it while you’re dating, but it’s not advisable. I could list story after story of couples who were dating, and attempted to combine their bank accounts and their end of life preparations where it turned into a disaster. Even some married couples don’t combine everything, so it seems scary to try it while you’re dating. When you’re married, you make a legal declaration in the eyes of the law that you’re combining your life with another person.
Marriage is the ultimate form of commitment. Saying, “I Do” and signing those papers is serious business. You’re making a public declaration to the world and in the eyes of the law. You’re saying that you want to spend the rest of your life with one person, and they are a person you’re willing to face tough times with. Yes, you can do some of this while you’re dating, but it’s not the same thing–ask your partner.
Marriage is worth fighting for. There are some relationships that will come and go while you’re dating. When you’re married, you have a strong desire to work through any problems. There’s a shift that happens in your mind that makes you willing to do whatever it takes to stay together. I’m NOT talking about staying together if there’s abuse; I’m talking about the normal relationship stuff.
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No one is perfect, and sadly, people hide who they are.
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I realize getting married might not be something every guy considers or does, and I don’t claim to speak for every man. I also realize that a lot of marriages end in divorce. Just because you make the commitment doesn’t mean it will last, but it can.
Marriage can be wonderful. It can also be the worst thing that ever happened to you. It’s important to use dating as a way to learn and grow closer to someone. It’s an opportunity to get to know that person and determine whether or not you want to make that commitment.
No one is perfect, and sadly, people hide who they are. All any guy can do is the best he can to make important decisions and choices. I hope you find that special someone and you live happily ever after. Love is amazing. Here’s to you and your happiness!
What would you say the difference between dating and marriage is?
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Photo: Flickr/ Emmanuele
I recently read a book entitled “Choosing Gods Best” which pretty much changed my total perspective on conventional dating. After literally 16+ years of dating, I am still without a husband, so I wouldn’t say that my dating life has been rewarding, joyous or successful. While I did learn things about myself in those dating relationships, I learned those things through rejection, heartache, embarassment and abandonment. As such, I now see dating as a “try on” of real commitment (marriage). You have sex, have kids, share a home and at the end of the day, you still don’t know if… Read more »
If you already live together, sleep together as a couple… What is the difference between this and being married. why would he, or she, marry you if you already share your lives together? What is the different responsibilities/duties of a married couple and a dating couple. Where is that “line”?
The line is that you are not legally married so what you are doing can not be called marriage and its sinful in the sight of God because its called fornication
For me the change was an immediate “us against the world” mentality. A sense of all around security and safety. Mind and body, we loved each other, and would protect each other. The commitment was made, joined two families and it was a statement to everyone and ourselves that this was it. Our choice to truly combine hearts, lives, bank accounts, etc. Things became OURS instead of his and mine. Goals were set and you strive for them together.
I liked what I saw someone else say “it’s the difference between renting a house and owning a house.”
Difference between renting and owning your home.
For all the obvious differences – legal, financial – I don’t think there is a difference in the end. For both dating and marriage, without love – forget it. If YOU (the two of you) LOVE to date or to be married, you stand a chance. Because (only) what we love we protect. But if you do it for the other person, or for somebody else, or for other reasons – maybe you’ve got pressured into marriage, and gave in to the pressure – I’d say you’re doomed from the start. Because what we don’t love, we try to find… Read more »
……. productive time apart so that when you do spend time together, there are* a lot of interesting stories to share.
I think that an essential piece is that both partners have financial independence. Neither person needs the other for financial survival. You are in the relationship because you enjoy being with the other person. Having enough self confidence also keeps one from ever feeling jealous or being hurt that your partner does not agree with you about all things (politics, religion, what type of meals to eat, what music to listen to, how to spend vacation time, etc.). Enjoying one’s alone time is also healthy and this leads to productive time apart so that when you do spend time together,… Read more »
What a lovely, lovely article. What you have is, I am sure, what we all want. But I find that now, because divorce is so rife, and people are constantly being hurt and heart-broken, it is so difficult to ever trust your heart again to someone else. You are right that financial independence is crucial these days. A woman should not expect her husband to support her if the marriage fails. I have three daughters, and hopefully, they will all be able to be self-supporting if they find themselves alone. In my case, after 40 years, as I had never… Read more »
What about for richer or poorer? In sickness and health?
The difference is a legal piece of paper. My boyfriend will never marry me because he cannot afford to divide his home and his 401k again and still have any hope of retirement. Just like abstinence is the only 100% form of birth control, staying single is the only way to be 100% sure you won’t be broke again. The distinct difference will kill our relationship. I want a commitment he cannot give. I will move on.
Thank you for your honesty, Cindy.
Maybe I’m being inconsiderate, but how about a prenup?
Flyingkal
Maybe a women gets the house in a divorce in the U.S. if they have children together under a certain age , no matter what kind of prenup he has?
In the US most states divide the property brought into the marriage not previous to. One partner buys the other out of acquired real estate. If there are children the house usually goes to who has the children until they are grown. That does not mean they have the house for life. Other assets are also divided the same. Retirement payout is based on years together since income earned during marriage went to that investment. Alimony has several categories/not guaranteed. Child support isn’t very adjustable. Some states have calculators. It is all just a math problem. A pre-nup should protect… Read more »
PhilC
Flyingkal and I are Scandinavians and here family and divorce is different from yours in America.
Prenup is easy to set up and you do not need a lawyer to do it,
I read another article here on GMP today about what a divorce usually costs in America and I was shocked,.
I am divorced and it cost nothing, nothing at all.
Apart from the emotional cost of course that I am sure is the same all over the world.
Yes, you are right about the cost of divorce. Here in England, it must have eventually, after four years of discussion and arguing through the lawyers and Court, cost my ex-husband and I around £50,000 – yes, fifty thousand pounds – between us because we could not agree amicably on a settlement. Fortunately, we had an incocme from a rental business and both our (old age) pensions coming in, so we could afford it. We were warned before we went down the route of going to a lawyer that it could cost so much, but somehow, it just crept up… Read more »
Several years ago I had a female staff sitting in my office crying her eyes out because her fiance had just presented her with a prenup a month before their wedding. Both she and her fiance had a prior marriage where they were both financially screwed over. My simple question to her was if she planned on staying married? She, without a moment of thought said yes. I then asked her that if she felt that way, what difference does it make if there was a prenup or not. They got married and about 6 months later she came into… Read more »
Hi Cindy, For a minute, I thought you were my girlfriend writing that! I’m in the exact same boat as your boyfriend and I understand. My question for you is, “What do you believe is in the “commitment” of marriage that you don’t already have in your relationship?” If he is the most dedicated, loving, respectful, supportive, responsible, accepting and passionate man you’ve ever known (hypothetically speaking) why would a woman trade that in for someone else? What specifically does a marriage commitment provide? This is a serious question because it applies to me and many men I work with… Read more »
I will answer that for you Steve. A man tells the woman he marries that he loves her so much that he is willing to take the risk to split his money if it doesn’t work out. When that doesn’t wok out he then meet someone else, e.g. Cindy. the woman he is “dedicated, loving, respectful, supportive …”. The message he’s giving her is that you’re not worth the risk. I don’t love you as much as I loved her. I can understand men who have never married to not want to get married, but for men who believe in… Read more »
@ Gary, “………but for men who believe in it and have done it once, why wouldn’t they do it again.” NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why? I love sex. And marriage, in my view, kills sex. Just that simple for me. It is how I feel. I make no apologies. None. Please spare me the “communication is key” or “sex isn’t everything” yada yada speech. Btw, boomer women are divorcing in record numbers. The vast majority of them have no desire to re-marry. They do seek companionship and/or partnership. But not marriage. I dare say it is an untapped market (no pun intended of… Read more »
Hi Cindy,
I feel your pain. I would agree with you it would kill my relationship too. For me marriage is the ultimate commitment and sign that he does love and support me unconditionally. If it did not workout for him before he shouldn’t be painting you with the same brush.
Nice article, Kimanzi. Thanks for asking for opinions. My experience tells me that the most important difference between marriage and dating is the mindset, values, and commitment of the two parties involved. I think it is clear by now that the ceremony or the document that declares them “a couple” has the least amount of significance on the long term success of the partnership. You said, “All any guy can do is the best he can to make important decisions and choices.” I believe the most important decisions and choices a guy can make come before any ceremony or commitment.… Read more »
Very thought-provoking, Steve!
Steve, are you a professional life or relationship coach? If not, you should be! Good stuff!