What does it take to accept a man as a man? Erin Kelly examines the dangers of stereotyping men with disabilities.
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The idea of masculinity has a long-standing meaning to society, as history tells us. It is a meaning that has become distinct and individualized, regardless of who you ask. That in itself reflects the notion that we’re all the same in the fact that we’re different, which should be celebrated every day that mankind walks on this Earth. In turn, it’s logical to say society has created a definition of masculinity that’s meant to encompass all men.
There’s no question that the definition of masculinity has evolved with changing times. It has evolved so much that it’s perhaps less of a definition and more of a concept—a lifestyle. Yet, it can be argued that by being individualistic and opinionated, we’ve coincidentally caused a separation in man—a shift that our forefathers would likely be appalled by.
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It can be argued that the root of that shift often does not trace back to wars fought by thousands of men—nor the pints of blood they shed on the battlefield. It’s instead marked by the quiet wars, the ones which are waged behind closed doors and whose wounds never quite heal all the way through.
It’s impossible to pinpoint just one precursor to this. Race, gender, class and sexual orientation all play a major role in the crumbling—and eventual revival—of man. One contributing factor that may not always be considered as a serious threat, however, is disability.
When you have society constantly telling you, “You can’t do that!”, it eats away at your soul—no matter who you are. When you have a disability, people aren’t telling you that because they think whatever you’re doing is wrong or against the law. They’re most likely telling you that because you don’t “look the part”, due to the fact you use a wheelchair or what have you.
For a disabled man to hear those things, I think it would be worse than any bitter pill to swallow. To be the person actually telling a disabled man those things, however, that has to take a lot of gall—because you’re essentially stripping him of his manhood without even physically stealing anything from him.
So now, the real question is: What truly leads the downfall of man?
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As a woman with cerebral palsy, I’ve felt the despair and pain that comes with being denied of almost everything under the sun. I’ve exposed my scars while scratching, clawing and fighting for things I shouldn’t have to fight for. If I were a disabled man raising a family or trying to apply for a job, I imagine it would be even more of an uphill battle because my masculinity would constantly be questioned. The reality is, however, that I’m not a man with that kind of pressure on my shoulders—and that’s where I’m beginning to struggle.
I think it’s one thing to be exposed or “called out” for being this or that. You make a conscious choice whether or not to let those assumptions roll off your shoulder, because you know people are just throwing words at you. If you’re, say, a father who’s wheelchair-bound, you too have the option of making that decision—but your reasons behind it are going to be drastically different than the person sitting next to you.
Why can’t some people see that a man with a disability is no different than a man with two arms and two legs? Why is it so difficult for some people to realize a disabled man can—and often does—have much of the same responsibilities as they do?
By the same token, why are people treating a disabled man’s accomplishments as exceptional or inspirational, when he’s simply trying to make ends meet, just like the rest of the world? More importantly—and this is where I really struggle at understanding—most people don’t realize they’re actually contributing to the downfall of men by treating them like second class citizens because of their disability.
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Just because that man doesn’t have arms or legs doesn’t mean he can’t find ways to provide for himself or his family. It doesn’t make him any less masculine. In fact, I think having those particular assumptions and stereotypes placed upon any man would prompt him to prove doubters wrong—as it would for anyone in that situation.
That’s my issue with this whole subject. I understand that people are inspired and uplifted when they see someone with a disability accomplish their goals. I appreciate and can relate to that kind of love, because it’s something we need more of in this world. However, I don’t feel a disability should be seen as a measuring stick for any amount of success.
Disabilities bring a tremendous weight of their own, without having to add any extra baggage. When you pile that on top of the pressure that life brings in general, you’re more concerned with how to get through your day than anything else. So, I think learning how to accomplish things on your own automatically comes with the pride of coming to terms with your disability.
There’s a certain degree of pride involved, and I think it’s also part of a man’s masculinity to be able to carry his own weight. Again, I don’t have testosterone running through my system, but I’ve grown up around men all my life. I don’t know everything there is to know about them, but I’ve learned enough to know you don’t mess with their pride. It’s an extension of their manhood and when you take that away—you take everything away.
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My struggle to understand what makes men crumble has little to do with the “accepted” definition of masculinity. If I’m being honest, I think I’ve developed my own views of masculinity from my childhood and am learning to apply them to the “real world”. In doing so, I’ve found that disability plays more of a role in the shaping of society than I knew
It’s important to look a man for a man in this day and age. It’s even more important to look at what he has done and what he has to offer the world, whether he sits in a wheelchair or stands on his own two feet.
At the end of the day, I want to be looked at for my abilities as a woman—not my disability. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say men want the same thing. It’s time we listen and not only give them what they want, but what they deserve.
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Photo Credit: Defence Images/Flickr
The reason for remarking favorably, even reverently,. on the ability of the disabled to take care of business is to acknowledge heart, guts, determination, beyond human expectations.
M’d of course
“It’s important to look a man for a man in this day and age. It’s even more important to look at what he has done and what he has to offer the world, whether he sits in a wheelchair or stands on his own two feet.” And that’s why Bruce Jenner got the ESPN award this year and not a vet who lost his arm and leg. A vet who didn’t allow his disability shape him. A man that’s chosen to wear a dress and “come out” and not the man without an arm and a leg that went in… Read more »
Thank you for your inciteful article. It is rare that someone expresses these perspectives in such an intelligent and even handed manner. As a man who has lived with a disability for most of my life, I can very much relate to what you are discussing. As someone who has struggled to achieve a good education and gainful employment, I know what it is like to be de-valued based on disability. It seems society is comfortable with its image of people with disabilities as heroes and special olympians; but not so much with them as productive members of society.