Two romance authors who blog about sex discuss what they find hottest in a man—and it’s not what you’re thinking.
Heidi Cullinan and Marie Sexton are co-owners of a naughty little blog called Coffee and Porn in the Morning. They have NSFW pictures, ebook giveaways, 25 free short stories from a variety of male/male romance authors, and more. Check them out at cupoporn.net. They’ve built careers on how sexy men are to women, and want to give us guys the straight dope on what’s really hot.
It’s true we write sometimes-steamy novels and run a blog chock full of cock, plenty of fulfilling fantasies of big buff men like our blog’s mascot. Men like this are great for ogling, we’ll admit. And maybe licking. The muscles. The taut behinds. The heavy, sculpted calves that promise power and good anchorage for heavy thrusting. The hard jaws and corded necks. The lovely treasure trails leading to parts below. But is this brawn and physical beauty really what we’re attracted to?
As far as the two of us are concerned, not exactly.
Both of us can honestly say we have no desire to spend any real-life face time with that kind of man. We’ve met men like that. They’re beautiful, and they always know it. They’re vain, self-centered, and usually not interested in anything more than a quick lay. Even then they’re more interested in pleasing themselves than their partner. This is generalizing, yes, but neither of us have yet to meet a man as physically attractive as the ones on our site whose personality was even close to as appealing as his abs.
So, what do we look for in real life?
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Marie: Physically, I’ve always tended toward short guys. I don’t know why. I like cleanliness, unless it’s grubbiness that’s well-earned. If a guy is sweaty or has dirt under his nails because he’s been out working on the car all day, or doing yard work, or mountain-biking, or because he works in construction, I can dig that. But if it’s just because he doesn’t take care of himself, that’s a turn-off. Also, I’m really into scent. I can’t tell you how many times I catch a smell of some type of cologne or aftershave, or maybe it’s even just their soap. I don’t know. But it’s this really clean, masculine scent, and I’ll turn and look for the man it’s coming from.
The physical attributes are really minor, though. The truth is, what I find attractive has nothing to do with body and everything to do with attitude. I like men who are confident, but not vain. I like men who are rational. I like men who are honest and who like to laugh. I like men who don’t take themselves too seriously and who don’t need to make others feel small in order to make themselves feel good. I like men who know their stuff and will stand by that knowledge, but who aren’t afraid to say, “I don’t know” when conversation veers into other areas.
Turn offs? I really don’t like men who can’t control their temper, or who always want to be the expert, no matter the topic. I get annoyed quickly at men who constantly let their gaze wander to my chest. And complimenting me on my body won’t get you far with me at all. I’d much rather you enjoy my company than my curves.
One of the most attractive men I’ve ever met was actually a doctor I worked for. (Desperately hoping none of my old coworkers are reading this post!) He was at least fifteen years older than me. Maybe twenty. He was overweight. He was great big burly good ol’ boy from the south. He liked to hunt things, and he drove a beat-up old pickup truck. He was happily married and had kids he doted on. He never flirted with me. Not once. If he had, I probably would have lost a great deal of respect for him. He was an utter gentleman.
So what did he have that I found attractive? One was that wonderful smell. When that man walked into the office in the morning and past my door, I could smell his shampoo. Damn! That was probably the first trigger. But beyond that, it was his confidence, mixed with his modesty. He was a fantastic surgeon. He was very confident in his abilities, and with good reason. But on a personal level, he was shy and uncertain. He was a gynecologist—he dealt with naked women all day—but the tamest sex joke would make him blush and send him running for cover. And most importantly, he talked to me. He’d walk into my office, sit down, and tell me what he needed. He trusted me to get it done. He knew his business and trusted me to know mine. And that, I have to say, was sexy as all get-out.
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Heidi: In real life how a man looks is the last thing I think about. It’s all about the smile, the way he moves. I’ve fallen for large men, small men, shy men, bold men. Their attractiveness to me was always a meld of everything about them, and there was no one barometer that drew me in. It’s always been the total package, just like RuPaul says.
If there’s any common ground between the men I’ve been attracted to, it’s inner fire. Not so much what they’re excited about but that they’re excited. There’s always this sense when they interact with me or with others that they want to play, to get their hands dirty in life. That they’re awake and aware. Not always sure about what’s happening, but they know that it is.
I won’t lie: physical does count. But I could give a damn if a guy is packing a six-pack or a set of spare tires. It’s about movement. My husband can turn his wrist just right while he’s drying a dish and make me swoon, and no, it’s not about the fact that he’s washing up. It’s that little movement, so subtle and male, even with his slighter-than-industry-standard form. In fact, if I gravitate to any type, it’s to a man who looks and smells and walks and talks all man, but carries a slender frame.
Shoulders, too—goddamn, but the spread of shoulders can transport me. Not so much muscular but again, the manly spread of them, especially when they’re natural, not built by Gold’s Gym. Same goes for hips and the always lovely male butt. It can be barely there or a bulging bubble. Doesn’t matter. I still want to grab it. Hard.
The physical comes down to inner fire as well: it’s not about what a guy has as much as it is about how he uses it. Gray hair, weight, skin tone—men are supposed to want to look like they’ve just stepped out of the salon at the beach, according to the media, but they can step out of the bedroom after eight hours of sleep looking just as desirable. Smile at me, lean on the doorway with confidence and presence that says you’re comfortable with your position in the world and want to show me some other interesting positions while we’re at it, that you see me for who I am and enjoy me for me, not what I could do for you? Leave the gray hair alone, honey, and skip the gym and the tanning salon. I’ve got a much better treatment plan.
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The bottom line is that while it’s fun to ogle a beautiful form and dream of licking our way down a perfect treasure trail, what really turns us on is lot less physical and a lot more visceral. We’re pretty sure it’s more than just our opinion too, that most women feel this way. In fact, despite what your television and web ads might try to convince you to believe, we’d bet our royalties most humans with their heads screwed on straight feel this way about men.
Whether or not our heroes are gorgeous, it’s never what wins them their happily ever after. Just like it is—or should be—for all real men.
Photo—Heidi and Marie’s husbands, courtesy of the authors.
About Heidi Cullinan
This is lovely! And so bang-on. It’s about confidence, a sense of himself, first. Add a charming smirk, a little poco de gracia, a touch of elegance… And swoon! Men who love themselves and know there way in the world are sexiest because they will treat a woman as their equal (from wisdom) and they will always be their best person. Because men with these qualities have worked hard to be who they are, because they “live on purpose”, the inner fire will be a contagion for passion, regardless of what his outsides look like.
You know, I feel like this explains a lot about some of the modern-day predicaments with men.
I feel like these days, there’s isn’t much of an identity for men to really “own”. We have all this girl-power, attitude girl, glamor girl, and other stuff for girls. But most of men’s identity is described by fist fights, rape, incompetence, laziness, and buffoonery. So we really don’t have an identity to own unless we prove we have “shed the male ways and learned real maturity”. So we feel that which makes us male is something to be ashamed of. There is almost no praise of masculinity itself in this culture.
In this way, men have a hard struggle to find their identity. They hide almost all of that which makes them men, leaving them without drive. Floating in limbo in a world in which they feel uncertain and conflicted, but their “privilege” says they have no right complain. So they become utterly dead or inauthentic, leaving little more than a mask to give them a politically-correct persona, while emitting an aura of deep self-disrespect.
Blame Feminism? I suppose, but that oversimplifies it. Obviously women didn’t WANT for men to become unattractive in this way. For me, I blame the lack of male input or male voice in the movement. Whether it isn’t enough men speaking out, or not enough feminists listening. It became okay to speak out against the evils of manhood, and taboo to speak of its beauty. You don’t hear about heroes anymore, you hear about rapists.
But anyway, we need to restore appreciation for real masculinity. Women appreciate it, but rarely talk about it outside closed quarters, so all we hear is the annoyance. We need more articles like this one, or more widespread men’s help sessions like the Authentic Man program. Because until then, men will feel our masculinity makes people uncomfortable, and we’ll be hiding that which makes us our best selves.
THIS.
I think feminists have recognized the need for a change in men. A new kind of masculinity or way of thinking about men that would make them compatible with a society where women are supposed to be their equals. Unfortunately feminism tends to focus on women, men are usually just a side note in their ideologies.
There is a clear need for a men’s liberation movement. One that recognizes that fundamentally men and women are people, and that one’s role in society can change if you’re willing to change yourself and society. The current Men’s Right Movement continues to commit the worst errors of current masculinity, they only feel anger, and they refuse to own to any personal weakness.
The Good Men project and other blogs are a good start.
Talent, intelligence, kindness, gentleness. Those will get me EVERY time.
Great topic! Other than (1) Viggo Mortenson, (2) Gary Sinise, and (3) William Petersen (CSI), who represent to me totally smoking’ masculinity and utter sexiness, I will add that I did not slam the door on a 20 yo kid who was going door requesting charitable donations to his particular foundation (which addresses poverty and education in 3rd world countries)….besides being tall, fresh-faced, and handsome, he was well-spoken, a shoe-in for an Ivy League university due to his charity work and leadership skills, he left me breathless with his tales of traveling to Haiti for 2+ years and his plans to go to Botswana in a few weeks….he said he just met Sean Penn, Dustin Hoffman, and Alec Baldwin at a charity event for his foundation, and although, to me the freak flag flies high for Alec B. and Sean P., after speaking with this extraordinary kid, I found new respect for those 2 hot-headed celebrities….
So, (1) Empathy, (2) Compassion, (3) Charity, and (4) Intelligence are so smoking sexy!
20 year old kid umm, Koo koo ka choo Mrs. Robinson!
OK, you say the pictures on your site don’t turn you on, so why don’t you have guys who look like the good doctor or your husband? Women are always saying to us that the 6 pack abs and the 9″ tool aren’t important. Meanwhile their response is ‘Pavlovian’. So as we watch them wiping the drool from their chin, we’re left with this dilema, do we believe what they say,or what our own eyes see? ( Not to mention , most of the guys in her pics seem gay, so they wouldn’t be interested in them anyway)
psst…a lot of women like gay male porn.
Yes, we do
Dude, how is that response any different from the way men look at women? You gravitate towards the visually appealing when you have nothing else to go on.
Except that we were constantly being told by women how WRONG we are to ‘Objectify’ women in that way. Seriously, what would your woman say if you started every day staring at hot naked woman on the computer. Then youturn to her and say “Oh, don’t worry dear, she does nothing to me. Your the one I want in bed.” ?
Seriously? I’d ask if I could look at them too. I’m an equal opportunity pervert..
High 5 Karen.
Thanks Archy, right back at you.
So Karen, what your saying is you love your husband, you just need to see pictures of men with washboard abs and big cocks to get turned on and in the mood?
No, bobbt, I don’t need them, I just like to be a voyeur. Guess what, when he has looked at pictures of good sorts I’ve looked right along with him. Neither of us is insecure in our marriage or our own bodies or sex in general. You have a good day and go out and get yourself ‘some’..
PS: My husband is right here and says ‘too right’ we both look but son’t touch and he believes we never drool, hmm, he’s right no drool, just looking.
But why do you look? I mean what does it do for you (and him)? I’m not trying to argue for or against anything! Ijust don’t understand how the author says the pictures she posts aren’t what she considers sexy, then why post them? What’s the purpose? By the way, if I need to ‘get some’, my wife’s about 10 feet away, the kids are grown and out of the house, it’s great! anytime we want and it NEVER gets old!
Aww, you were doing so well and you had to go and mess it up by saying they mostly look gay. There is absolutly no way that you can tell if someone is gay based on their appearence. I do give you credit where credit is due for asking about the lack of average joes.
4 naked guys playing tonsil hockey with each other doesn’t look at least a little gay to you?
Very good blog. I love an intellect, no two ways about it. I love an intelligent but unassuming, compassionate man that is a man’s man, who is there for you through sickness and in health. In other words my husband.
I actually prefer skinny girlish men, the sort who could wear my clothes and be a fairly convincing woman. I find androgyny both in looks and behavior to be highly attractive. I find abs to be a bit repulsive, preferring a more slender kind of beauty. I also find long hair to be attractive. Probably the most attractive feature about a man is his hands; long slender fingers can make me swoon. In terms of personality, I’m attracted to intelligence above all else, followed by gentleness and compassion. I like a man who is willing to stand up for what he believes in, knows his own mind and owns his decisions. It’s also important that he being able to spar with me in intellectual debates without becoming offended. A sex-positive attitude is also important as well a willingness to explore and share desires.
Makes you wonder what kind of women is interested in gay fiction and gay porn. Definitely not sexy at all, I agree with the other poster who said they (the dudes) are mostly gay. Not sure if that is really providing a very good perspective on masculinity.
What exactly is masculinity (or femininity for that matter)? Why would a good perspective on masculinity necessarily preclude depictions of homosexual relations? Personally I don’t really consider whether or not a man appears to be masculine when I find him attractive. I don’t feel that I completely fit into the female gender norm and I don’t feel that that makes me less attractive. I’m not really a big fan of rigid gender roles in general, though I admit that that is just a personal preference.
What exactly is masculinity (or femininity for that matter)? Why would a good perspective on masculinity necessarily preclude depictions of homosexual relations?
Hit that nail square on the head, you did.
Just a look at history shows that there is no special gay way of being, looking, or acting. Certainly figures like Alexander the Great and Richard the Lionhearted couldn’t be described as anything but ‘masculine’ (both are widely held to be gay).
To my way of seeing it, the heart of this article is that the superficialities that are widely touted as the basis of attraction aren’t what matter at all. They are, at best, lame stereotypes. That cuts both ways, for men as well as women.
As to what ‘masculinity’ is, well, at the risk of being overly simplistic, masculinity is what males do. And there is a lot to be covered by that tent. Trying to narrow things down, and exclude certain behaviors and attitudes has, and will continue to prove, damaging and hurtful.
“Makes you wonder what kind of women is interested in gay fiction and gay porn” Well, they’re not unlike a lot men who like watching lesbian porn….pretty run-of-the-mill and pedestrian.
…and a “good” perspective of masculinity would embrace diversity and freedom of individual expression. Its the “bad” kind that enforces, often violently, a destructive, narrow, and conformist perspective of masculinity.
Really, gay men are not a ‘good perspective’ on masculinity? What a narrow view point one which I take exception to as it is a stereotypical statement. I’ll pass that on to some of the most wonderful, strong men I know, who just happen to be gay as well. ans we’ll all have a laugh together whilst I’m watching gay porn.
Can’t I enjoy your company and your curves equally?