Finding your own value and confidence will attract people who also want that — for you and for themselves.
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I love country music.
Had never listened to it. Until both my parents died.
I took on the job (with a lot of help, especially from my husband) of cleaning out the home they had lived in for almost 60 years. That took months. It was packed. Honeymoon luggage stuck back in the far corners of an attic. Closets piled from floor to ceiling with clothes unworn for decades. Mystery boxes waiting to be pried open.
Not always pleasant discoveries.
The drive from our home to theirs was about 3 and a half hours. After a grueling weekend of 28 trips to the dumpster and sitting with memories, I would either need a cry. Or a laugh.
That’s when I began listening to a country music station. They had songs on “Daddy dying” or “my Mama this or that.”
It fit the bill. The much-needed bridge to those feelings that were at times, very difficult.
I will always be grateful.
There’s a fairly new song by the wonderful Blake Shelton that got my attention. “Doin’ What She Likes.”If you watch the hilarious official video, you see a very thoughtful man, whose relationship looks stable and successful, doing his best to create a romantic evening.
It’s a disaster.
Many folks won’t see the video. And may get another idea from the lyrics. Guy not showing up for work. If he gets fired, so what? It’s all about the moment. Making margaritas. Driving like a maniac. Great sex that lasts all night.
Finding your own value. Confidence in yourself. Whether woman or man. That’s what it takes.
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And telling her she looks good in blue jeans.
Because that’s what she wants.
Women, no matter what age, and young girls do talk about being attracted to men who exude excitement. The bad boy. The one who doesn’t follow the rules. A.K.A. the guy in the 50 Shades of Grey hoopla going on.
Just like in the song.
The good times are usually very good. The bad? Well, they are very bad.
The “bad” boy is not likely to follow any rules. Especially not ones that are about mature commitment. She is not going to change him, or fix his problem. Try as she might to convince herself of that.
(By the way. Have been there. Done this.)
There are other men and women who get themselves out of bed every morning. Go to work. Or study hard in school. Do the right thing kind of folks. Those guys see women fawn all over themselves for the James Deans of the world. And wonder who is going to be attracted to them.
Those girls watch boys be drawn to physically mature or model-attractive girls, not seeming to care about what’s on the inside. This only heightens their own insecurities.
I wonder about those “bad” boys. Or “bad” girls for that matter. What does it cost to keep up that image? Maybe in the short term it’s about immediate pleasure. Following impulses to do whatever will achieve an escape from some painful now.
It’s hard to watch. Especially if it’s someone you love.
Finding your own value. Confidence in yourself. Whether woman or man. That’s what it takes. If you do, you will attract someone who wants just that. Someone who doesn’t need to save or control you. Someone who is also busy about the business of creating a good life.
Who will also want to create romantic evenings.
Or much later, will scrape and shove and stack things from your parents’ home. Without a complaint. And hold you when it’s hard.
The two of you could have a knock-out life together.
And sure. Girls want to have fun! Get told they look good. Enjoy romance and awesome sex.
Just nobody lose their job.
Or burn the house down.
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You can read more of Dr. Margaret on her website. Subscribe and you will receive a free copy of her new eBook, “Seven Commandments Of Good Therapy“, a basic guide on how to choose a potential therapist or how to evaluate the therapy you are currently receiving. You can also email her with comments: askdrmargaret@
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Originally published at Dr. Margaret Rutherford and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
This is too perfectly simplistic, you can very well meet the person whose responsible, who does everything they need to do to succeed at their goals and have no interest in controlling or changing you but doesn’t want the romantic dream. They are the ones they give you the romance and have everything together (the knight in shining armour/”good guy”) but they want to control you and have you fit into their dreams/goals. It’s too easy to assign people as good/bad heroes/villains but this is real life and not a fairy tale or movie. People have contradicting qualities, values, and… Read more »
I think I understand your feedback Lee. When using words like “bad” and “good”, I am certainly risking implying that there is some kind of artificial dichotomy between people. That we should lump folks into one or the other. I agree with you that that is far too simple. I would ask you to consider, however, the song that was the inspiration for the post. The lyrics depicting “what she likes”. Some of this is a light-hearted challenge to that. Some of the post goes a little deeper into what, as you say, is a complex issue of who we… Read more »
Wise. You can be counted on for wise words succinctly expressed. And laughs too. That video!
Thank you so much Mithra. That video was hilarious! I truly appreciate it.
Margaret,
I read the article twice and I don’t think you answered the question in your title? Or maybe you did.
Are you saying women *do* want a bad boy but only until they get burned enough times they finally give up on that and reprogram themselves to want a good man?
Roger
The question was meant to be a bit hypothetical Roger. Sadly, I think many women go through some stage where they believe they want a “bad” boy – are attracted to edgy, dark, “I can prove to him that love is real” or “I can change him” kind of relationships. Pretty sure there are some men who are “saviors” themselves. I like your word “reprogram”. I think it feels like that. To realize what created that dynamic or need in themselves. And then change or reprogram as you said. Then there are some who simply never go there. Thanks so… Read more »
I don’t know. I see a lot of guys doing what they love. Devoting themself to a “cause”, be it at work, in a not-for-profit, or in their spare time, and being very good at it. Having a career, or just having lots of fun. But still not meeting anyone. Either because they get shut down by any woman they try and talk to, or because the men simply outnumber the women in a 5-1 or higher ratio in that particular field and they always end up in the far end of the line (because it’s always, more or less,… Read more »
Hi /K. Thanks so much for your comment. Your point is well taken. I see folks in that boat as well. I think my point is – in comparison with some kind of urgent seeking or settling for being treated poorly – that it is far more likely that if you meet someone, they will be the kind of person that will work. Whether or not you are lucky enough to actually meet that person, that may be more difficult to predict. That depends on lots of factors. Plus you do get the value of enjoying your life. Building friends… Read more »
I went to a knitting convention last year where the women outnumbered men 100-1. And there were quite a few young, hip looking women there. Not just us middled aged ladies. DIY is big. Now, you may not want to learn to knit but maybe a good time to visit the bar at the convention center. Just a thought 😉