10 Things I Did Last Weekend

Amazingly enough, one of the things Sean Carney did not do last weekend was get engaged. This is what he did instead.

A friend of mine came into work on Monday morning and announced that she had gotten engaged to her longtime boyfriend over the weekend.

Here are 10 things that I did last weekend.

♦◊♦

1.

I concentrated on not going to the bathroom because I was out of toilet paper.

That lasted seven hours before I was forced to go to Walgreens. The cashier remembered me from my previous visits and in front of a large line of people asked, “What, no ice cream this time?”

Then she waited for me while I went back and got some.

♦◊♦

2.

I returned home from Walgreens and pulled open my refrigerator, only to have it tip over on me because there was nothing inside.

I put some old novels in the freezer and crisper drawers to weigh it down.

One of the novels was Fyodor Dostoevsky’s, The Idiot.

♦◊♦

3.

I found the switch to my garbage disposal.

I never knew I had a garbage disposal, so it scared the shit out of me.

♦◊♦

4.

I spoke with a drunken man named Derrick outside of a decrepit bar in the Northern Liberties section of Philadelphia.

Derrick was 70 years old and wearing a crumpled white tuxedo complete with tails. When I asked him why he was dressed so elegantly he responded, “I’m dying of prostate cancer. The doctor said I’ve got three months to live, so what the hell else should I be wearing?”

Derrick is awesome.

♦◊♦

5.

I wore a tie out to dinner because I was missing a button on the shirt, and then wore a vest over the tie because the tie had a stain.

I may need to go shopping.

♦◊♦

6.

I ordered pork fried rice but couldn’t remember which was bigger—a pint, or a quart.

It turns out a quart is bigger.

And I ate all of it.

♦◊♦

7.

I took an envelope that had been sitting in the lobby of my apartment building for about three weeks.

I had waited a sufficient period for someone to claim it and since the address had been handwritten I assumed it was personal, meaning potentially interesting or scandalous or filled with birthday money. It turned out to be a thank-you card for a wedding gift. A toaster. It was boring, so I threw it out.

The next morning someone rang the buzzer to my apartment, and I hid in the dark for 20 minutes.

♦◊♦

8.

I tried to clean my bathtub.

When I looked underneath my sink I discovered that I had two bottles left over from the previous tenant—a jug of bleach, and something with blue liquid in it. I decided to pour them both into the tub at once.

That was not a good decision.

♦◊♦

9.

I fell out of bed.

Twice.

I don’t remember the first time because I woke up on the floor, but I distinctly remember the second time because as I was falling I groaned, “Not again.”

♦◊♦

10.

The tenth thing I did this past weekend was not get engaged.

 

Read more from Sean Carney in Sex & Relationships and Men Are Funny

Image of young couple in love courtesy of Shutterstock

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About Sean Carney

Sean Carney is a writer from Philadelphia. While working on his second novel, he tries to provide a distraction from daily life by writing funny stories about daily life. You can read more on his blog, The Witty Gritty, or get in touch on Facebook orTwitter. Sean is single, so donations of food or toilet paper are always appreciated.

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