Confessions From a Former Psycho Bitch From Hell

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About Vironika Tugaleva

Vironika Tugaleva is an author, speaker, reformed cynic, people lover, and a very different kind of spiritual teacher. Inspiring and wise beyond her years, Vironika helps people heal their minds and discover their inner strength. You're invited to read more about Vironika and her inspiring new book The Love Mindset .

Comments

  1. Thanks for your article Vironika. It takes guts to own up to our own part in the train crashes of our lives. God knows we have our part to play. No relationship exists that isn’t the creation of both parties. It is born, grows, lives or dies based on what two people voluntarily create together. Yes, one can be an asshole, but the other has some part in creating that narrative. Or changing it. Or exaggerating it.

    • I say I’ve never met a woman who’s admitted to being one… and I found one! Hooray!

      Check out this article “Crazy’s Side of the Story”

      http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/crazys-side-of-the-story-amy-taylor/

      • Sorry, Mark for the comment above being wildly unrelated to yours! I have no idea why it hasn’t wound up on the bottom of the page.

        As for an actual reply – Thank you for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. And, yes, taking responsibility for ourselves is, really, the only way out of maladaptive cycles. We can blame others forever and be miserable or endure the misery of facing the truth for a better future. It’s really a red pill, blue pill sort of situation to find yourself in the midst of creating a mutually destructive relationship, I think.

  2. What gets me is that women are NEVER asked to do this. Never once, while telling a domestic abuse story (and that’s what most psycho-ex stories break down into) are they ever asked what part they may have played in it.

    For instance, to use an example, at a party back when I was 19, a woman attacked me, so I threw her on the ground. A couple of years later, I found out that one of her friends was spreading stories about me (saying that I beat on women). So I confronted her. I told her flat out that when I threw that girl onto the ground, she had already swung a beer bottle at my face.

    It didn’t matter. Her friend just started screaming, saying that a real man never hits a woman no matter what, and all of this other smack.

    So ladies, remember that. Remember this. Most everything goes both ways. Next time one of your girlfriends tells you a story about an abusive ex, remember that you’re only hearing the part of it she wishes to tell. She isn’t mentioning the part where she threw a frying pan at him before he slammed her into the wall, or that she was about to pick up a knife when he punched her in the face.

    And yeah, some men are just straight-up abusive. Some women are just straight-up psycho. If we’re not allowed the acknowledge the second, I’m not going to listen to anyone who says the first.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Women are CONSTANTLY asked what part they played in it. They are told, “Try not to upset him” all the time! Seriously, unless you’ve lived it, you have no idea.

      You’re right, though, that feminists have been actively working for decades to end that question being a part of helping survivors of DV. And we should also have a push to end that question being asked of ANY DV survivor.


      • You’re right, though, that feminists have been actively working for decades to end that question being a part of helping survivors of DV.

        Yes. It’s one thing to eliminate that question in cases where a woman is acting in self defense or when she is being abused.

        Problem is instead of extended the possibility that whenever a woman gets violent it may have been in self defense an assumption was extended. It became an assumption that when a woman got violent it HAD to be because the guy did something to her. Women are equal to men in all things….except the capacity to do bad things.

        And as a result it is becoming taboo to even question a woman’s actions even when she is the abuser.

        As a guy I’ve seen this play out in messed up ways. Trying to talk about being harmed by a woman and being drowned out by delcarations that I should “walk away” or that I should “think about how she feels” (as I’ve seen played out here at GMP a few times).

        Oh and thanks for acknowledging that feminists played a role in this. (You wouldn’t believe how hard it is for any of them to admit that feminism had a hand anything bad that’s happened in the last 60 years.)

      • The way I read his comment was less “Try not to upset him” and “she was instigating violence by being violent and he got blamed for it while she got away with violence.

        There are abusers who abuse because they enjoy the slow process of manipulation and control and there are couples of people whoI would call co-dependant (think borderline personality disorder etc) to the nth degree and fall into cycles of mutual manipulation and mutual abuse and drama often playing out gendered stereotypes against each other “violent man” “psycho woman”.

        And humans are violent creatures if history is any clue (not that that is an excuse, but it seems to be true). I’d hope that if anyone swung a beer bottle at me I’d run and call the cops instead of fighting them, but I have no idea what I’d do. Not hitting back seems to be the wisest course of action especially if one is bigger simply because one will be blamed. Thinking of parents with violent and defiant kids…parents never get to hit back. If a person is out of control with me, I need to get to safety, not increase the likelihood of me being out of control too.

        As I said, who knows what I’d do.

        • I’d hope that if anyone swung a beer bottle at me I’d run and call the cops instead of fighting them, but I have no idea what I’d do. Not hitting back seems to be the wisest course of action especially if one is bigger simply because one will be blamed. Thinking of parents with violent and defiant kids…parents never get to hit back. If a person is out of control with me, I need to get to safety, not increase the likelihood of me being out of control too.
          It’s one thing to think on what you yourself would do in such situations.

          I think the problem starts once we start dictating to other people what they should and should not do in such situations.

          Not hitting back seems to be the wisest course of action especially if one is bigger simply because one will be blamed.
          Now Julie I know you not would say it but this mentality is precisely why/how larger people (especially men) get shamed into not protecting themselves when someone attacks them. “Why didn’t you walk away?” (But ask a woman that and it’s victim blaming.), “She’s smaller than you why didn’t you stop her without hurting her? (Do we ask women why didn’t they fight back with something less than all our force?)” and other arm chair commentary.

          And it’s not in just the court of public opinion, it’s also creeped its way into the court of law. The concept of police responding to a domestic situation and grabbing what they are trained to calculate as the “primary aggressor”. Hell here in NC it’s actually a different class of felony to assault a woman than it is a man. In fact “assault on a female” is an actual charge.

          This reminds of a scene from the movie SWAT (the Samuel L Jackson/Colin Ferrel one). After shooting a hostage Jeremy Renner’s character tells his commanders, “We get 2 seconds to make a call and you get 2 months to pick it apart.”.

          That’s what’s happening. A larger person gets a few seconds to make a decision that could literally mean life or death and then the public, from the safety of the side lines, gets an eternity to site back and decide whether or not he had good reason to take action.

          If we don’t fight back we’re cowards that deserve to get picked on and if we do then it proves we are violent brutes looking for trouble.

          (Of course what I’m saying here doesn’t cover all situations.)

          • Interesting point, Danny. So, which would you rather be? A coward or violent?

            I believe that anyone who’s ever made a drastic change in the world has, at some point, been called a fool. Every pacifist has been called a coward. Every social reformer has been called a loon.

    • Excellent post.

      You might find this in interesting read. It is written by Erin Pizzy, who started the first battered woman’s shelter. The book is about the women who show up in the shelters.

      http://www.bennett.com/ptv/

      • Wow Mike!! I loved this. I’m really bedazzled by it.

        For those who are think about not clicking on the link… I’ve copied the Author’s Foreword… which is such a poignant and important message!! Thank you again for the resource. I love it.

        “The premise of our work is that every baby needs to feel love and happiness. A baby will bond these instinctive feelings to whatever people and situations are available. It is the birth-right of every child to be surrounded by nurturing and loving parents in an atmosphere of peace. In a non-violent family, a child grows up in such an atmosphere, and then, working from the secure base of being loved, will develop an independent and choosing self that is able to recreate happy love both in future relationships and with its own children. In a violent family, however, this birthright to love and peace is betrayed, because from the moment of conception the child lives in a world where emotional and physical pain and danger are always present. The child then bonds to pain. This bonding becomes an addiction to pain. The child then cannot grow to form an independent self, because he or she is slave to this addiction. Throughout life, the person then recreates situations of violence and pain, for those situations stir the only feelings of love and satisfaction the person has ever known.

        Whether the children of violent families learn to find satisfaction through the inflicting or the receiving of emotional and physical pain, the violence that these people live on is merely an expression of pain. The role of the caring community is to undo this fundamental betrayal of people who have been emotionally disabled by their violent childhoods. By creating a loving environment in which deep internal work can be done to help violence-prone people to understand and to overcome their addiction to pain, these people can then learn to trust and be happy in love instead of pain.”

  3. Savagely honest. Thank you.

  4. We all have the potential to do unspeakable horrors. It takes a lot of bravery to admit this about oneself… but once we begin to do so we start the process of healing. This is the same basic wisdom Buddha and Jesus etc. were getting at…our lives begin in the garden of Eden, and in forming our egos we bite the apple. By learning to forgive and refraining from judgement, we return to the perfection around us.

    Thank you for sharing and welcome back to heaven! ;)

  5. You’re right Evan, it is “basic wisdom” in that it’s wisdom preached by various spiritual groups. It goes beyond religion into science even. Look at Game Theory. Self-interest doesn’t mean looking out only for oneself in opposition to the group. That’s called selfishness. True self-interest lies in finding cooperation with the group. In that, my sharing a story that most people are ashamed of is serving a public good and, to be honest, it served me more than I thought it would.

    I really recommend writing a story about your most shameful experiences and sending it off to an audience of thousands of people. It’s really the healing experience of a lifetime.

  6. awesome write

  7. Vironika…as you said you have never known a woman to admit to being a psycho bitch or as angry and out of control. To have one admit to it means little in the overall scheme of things and does little to change the fact that for most men, the woman they are with probably hasn’t and won’t admit to such behavior. Why? Because she doesn’t have to. Because she lives in a culture that encourages her to be deceptive,too blame someone else for her shit, especially around issues of anger and violence.

    Erin Prizzy is adamant that the women she dealt with purposefully hid the truth about women and their violence.Hell, they even went after her with violence because she spoke out and you make the denial sound like something far more innocent.This is wrong.

    Women have demonstarted that many of them are far too ready to hide the truth..You present the issue as benign tumor, as mostly accidental, but it isn’t. Furthermore, your version asks for something that women don’t won’t do for men, forgive them for their violent and angry outbursts.
    MLK wouldn’t’ allow his followers to behave like those who they were criticizing, as a condition of being a part of his movement. If you were racists, no matter what happened to you, or violent you were out,period.

    This point you raise that everyone, “if put in the right circumstances will act like a monster’, is not a revelation, by any means. Men, in Western culture, have been saying that for decades and continue, for all the good it does, to say it loudly on this site and others as well. Even before men said it, there was ample proof in culture. across the world that humans are this way. So while it is good that you, after years figured this out, it is hardly miraculous, or even special. Based on the fact that it took you years to finally figure things out, your advice makes little sense.
    On the one hand you know that you were wrong; times ten. You also know that it took years for you to get it right. It seems to me that better advice would be to tell the guy that this person is years away from even having the kind of awareness that would enable her to even have a decent conversation about what the hell she is doing
    .Which in your case was the truth.It seems pretty clear that you weren’t ready to hear a message about your behavior that you could process.You out your admission out into the universe, big deal where are the risks there?.
    As a boy, If I hurt someone or did someone harm, my mother wouldn’t rest until I made my apologies and restitution to the person I hurt. She thought it was important for me to confront myself in the guise of the person I hurt, not in some dark confessional. Saying sorry to the person who was hurt takes courage, humility and strength. Saying it to the universe is like apologizing in a text message.

  8. Mr Supertypo says:

    OT question why is the picture of a sleepy woman portrayed in the article as psycho from hell? I dont see the connection????

Trackbacks

  1. [...] This interview is a discussion of Vironika’s Good Men Project article “Confessions From a Former Psycho B***h From Hell”. [...]

  2. [...] Good Men Project. If you don’t read it, give it a try. I read a well-written post there by Vironika Tugaleva entitled “Confessions of a Former Psycho Bitch from Hell” that said that women are rarely willing to admit to being a psycho b@!#* from hell. Well, [...]

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