Does being an out gay man make you a more compassionate boss?
Glowing like the Holy Grail amongst a dumpster of worn chalices, an article titled, “Why Gay Men Make the Best Bosses” (courtesy of Danielle Sacks of Details magazine), laid in my RSS feed. “Finally,” I told myself, “an article I can boast about. It’s about time gay men get some recognition for something that has nothing to do with Civil Rights, entertainment, or design.” However, after some heavy reflection, I realize that this article only illuminates a small portion of the dark reality in which all men continue to experience, but let’s start with the light.
For the very first time in my life, I witnessed someone take all of the lessons learned about a notably frightening process—coming out—and translate them into something that arguably gives gay men an edge in corporate management. Let me elaborate.
Speaking from personal experience, there are a number of lessons you learn in America through being a gay man. As Sacks quotes in her Details article, “Gay people are constantly having to dodge and weave and assess how and where they’re going as they grow up.” To clear things up, I don’t believe that this is something specific to gay men—all men dodge, weave, and assess as we navigate the “perilous” (as Michael Kimmel would say) world of manhood. At some point, we’ve all monitored the things we say, the way we walk, the topics of conversation we raise. We want to feel like men. As men, this is hard. As gay men, by default, we break the ultimate guy code (i.e. “You’re not a man unless you want to bang every girl you see, if you want to bang men … you can’t even sit with us”).
What I’m trying to say is this: being a man comes with the extremely heavy burden of always having to prove your manliness; being a gay man comes with the heavier burden of proving your manliness when much of the unenlightened world considers you less of a man by default.
What Sacks is really saying is that it takes a lot of skill as a gay man to make it through institutions of extremely hegemonic masculinity. Take high school, for example, where guys can beat you up just because they suspect you of being gay. That’s rough for anyone. But when you actually are gay, the world is a warzone that calls for three life-saving skills: “adaptability, intuitive communications, and creative problem solving.”
Gay men adapt to the environment they are in. Behavior that exposes one’s non-hetero sexuality is often times dangerous in places that fit the most normative representations of masculinity. Generally speaking, you can use your intuition to gauge the amount of hostility you would face for outing yourself. Gauging and adapting to one’s environment for reasons such as physical safety is crucial for gay men, and it takes a lot of work to prepare for.
So how do these traits—adaptability, gauging one’s environment, etc. from experiencing life as a gay man and through the process of coming out—translate to the corporate management?
Sacks argues “the reflection and candidness required for coming out mean that by the time they get to the workplace, gay men are often secure in their identity and don’t feel the need to abuse people in order to boost their ego.” Coming out is extremely difficult, but I can attest that once it’s done, it’s a lot easier to be yourself. So Sacks is right in that sense … to some degree. However, there are certainly gay men who do abuse power for whatever possibly non-gay-related reason, and there are certainly straight men who are confident in their identities not to abuse people.
If gay men, through coming out and simply experiencing life as a gay man, develop traits that presumably make them nicer bosses (i.e. we don’t feel the need to abuse people at work), but straight men may also hold the same traits through being secure in their identities, what is Sacks really saying? That you gay men are more likely to be nicer, more understanding, and less abusive than their straight counterparts?
Sacks quotes, “Your typical hetero male is programmed as a boy that there are two emotions: angry and tired … These are gross limitations that restrict our ability to be great managers.” The strength of the argument that gay men make better bosses depends almost solely on the presumption that most men (most of which are straight) have only two emotions—angry and tired. Well that is simply untrue. But does Sacks still have a point—are gay men more likely to have more emotions, including compassion, which create more positive leadership?
She concludes, “if your new boss happens to be gay, chances are you’ll be happier and more fulfilled in your job.”
At this point I’m cautious of this whole argument. I’m stuck between feeling proud that gay men are considered good—not necessarily better—bosses, and feeling somewhat stereotyped and commodified: “Tiiiiiiiiight, new gay boss is going to be soooo nice to me because he’s naturally understanding.”
Let’s zoom out and examine what this says about all men.
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Let’s zoom out and examine what this says about all men. If gay men make better bosses because of empathetic traits they develop through experience as a gay man and coming out, then who are they better bosses for and why? One man mentioned that “working for a gay boss taught him that emotionally honest doesn’t equate to weak in the workplace.” Sure, a gay man can teach anyone a thing or two about emotional honesty, but the bigger question is why do men think that emotional honesty equates to weakness in the first place?
If this article holds any truth, if the stats hold true (that “gay male bosses produce 35 to 60 percent higher levels of employee engagement, satisfaction, and morale than straight bosses), then how proud can anyone be that “gay men make the best bosses”? So many men are suffering because there’s a stark need for emotional honesty and understanding in a workplace where many bosses would simply tell us: “get back out there and grow a pair.”
I think the argument holds some truth. Gay men in fact do do a lot of self-examination, monitoring, and reflection—especially as they’re coming out——but these aren’t traits specific to us. Perhaps Sacks is saying that gay male bosses are simply more likely to have these traits. Assuming that gay men are more compassionate isn’t a terribly farfetched stereotype, but it still is one. And what kind of gay male boss is does one have to be to gain the title of best kind of boss—one simultaneously “tough as nails” and compassionate, i.e. an understanding alpha male?
I am thrilled to see connections being made surrounding gay men and the workplace, especially if arguments support our having an edge in management. But I am even more saddened to realize there is apparently such a stark need for compassion and understanding amongst men in the workplace.
The question I leave asking myself is this: What is it that gay men especially add to the workplace that deem them “better bosses” that the rest of the work world needs to catch up on, and what does this say about masculinity in sum?
Read more on Gender & Sexuality and Work/Life Balance.
—Photo credit: Victor1558/Flickr
off topic too, I really like the pic, woman in the middle a lot of diversity
Harry Hay was one of the pioneers of the modern Gay Movement–although he preferred the word Faerie (as in “Radical Faeries,” which he helped found). Part of this was because he felt metaphorically LGBT people were “Changelings.” This comes from old legends, where the Fae would substitute one of their babies for a human child, and use their magic to make the Fae infant look the same as the stolen human one. Just so, the only way to tell the difference between the enchanted child and the human one was in the behavior. Harry thought this summed up the experience… Read more »
@Ty Thank you for your really great feedback. I have not ever heard of the Radical Faeries, but it’s definitely interesting. You raised a really interesting point when you said “gay boys become introspective at an early age as they try to both understand their difference,” Sacks could have made much more of a compelling argument had she had you right there with her. In my personal experience, this “gay window of consciousness” holds much truth. And I’m sure many other people would agree. This, to me at least, would make Sacks’ arguement stronger–gay men are highly introspective at a… Read more »
Thanks so much for your kind words. In full disclosure, I met Harry through a mutual friend. I ended up attending a weekend retreat he ran, where among other things, he discussed the “gay window of consciousness.” I had been asked to do a presentation at an international conference in Amsterdam about my research on Inter-Racial Same-Sex Couples. I ended flying down to Los Angeles to tape an interview with Harry. Not long after connecting with his long term partner, John Burnside, they moved to the San Juan Pueblo Reservation in New Mexico, where they operated a sort of “half-way… Read more »
Okay, I have to say that I kind of struggle with this and maybe not in ways some may think. Personally, in the work place, I give a rats ass what someone’s sexual orientation is. I don ‘t think it’s a place where is should be an issue one way or another. I looked at performance and how my subordinates performed. Targeting heterosexual men in management liken to how society once targeted women in management. Feminism squelched it and women moved on only to continue to second guess themselves. Where it relates to employee relations and work environment, the corporate… Read more »
@Tom I definitely understand your frustration with the Sacks article. Though I understand that she sort of shoved straight men in a box, she definitely did the same with gay men–just in a more positive light. Both generalizations are just that, generalizations. So they don’t bear much weight, only provoke thought and really interesting discourse. I’m not quite sure I’m understanding your point about women now second guessing myself and feminism having something to do with this. I haven’t experienced any sentiments like this with any of the women I’ve worked with. In fact, I’d argue that assuming women are… Read more »
@Kaleb. What I meant about women second guessing themselves is this. Through the years, women were promoted into management. One of the common complaints that I heard is that women in my former industry would “change” how they acted once they got into management. I’m sure you’ve heard it before that men who act hard are doing their job, women who act hard are bitches. It appeared that some women “thought” they had to act like a man to make it in management when in fact they made it into management because of who they were at the time of… Read more »
@Tom B. Thank you for clerifying things, but I am going to have to disagree with your take on feminism and women working in management. All of the feminism that I have studied actually gave a message opposite of the examples you used. Feminism didn’t teach women to “act like men” at all, it was all about embracing ones femininity and womanhood, however that looked–not chucking it out the window to climb the corporate latter. I would also argue that the “real men don’t cry” was not the cause of women allegedy shelving their emotions. I think that, and I’m… Read more »
@john hall L. I’m was kind of displaced by her presumptions about straight men also. Even moreso than her presumptions about gay men. As a gay guy reading the original piece I was definitely excited to see something positive about an experience close to my own, however, I quickly became displaced about the assertions she made about straight men. Of course I agree that to some degree the process of coming out gives one a deep sense of reflection and even compassion to others who struggle with identity. But as I said in my piece–that’s not something exclusive to gay… Read more »
how proud can anyone be that “gay men make the best bosses”? So many men are suffering because there’s a stark need for emotional honesty and understanding in a workplace where many bosses would simply tell us: “get back out there and grow a pair.” I think the argument holds some truth. Gay men in fact do do a lot of self-examination, monitoring, and reflection—especially as they’re coming out——but these aren’t traits specific to us. Perhaps Sacks is saying that gay male bosses are simply more likely to have these traits. Assuming that gay men are more compassionate isn’t a… Read more »
@Peter
I definitely like the quote–would you mind just elaborating (for me, personally) just a little more as to how it applies to the text you quoted? Just curious.
Sorry for the delay here Kaleb…Trillin’s joke was that Jews, such as he, tend assume the best doctors are Jewish, and that consulting one who isn’t Jewish means you aren’t picking from the best. (He was kidding on the square, I suppose.)
In this context, putting a nongay in charge might lead to compassionate and understanding leadership, but the odds would favor a gay manager over a nongay one.
Clear as mud?
Thanks Peter. When you say “odds would favor a gay manager over a nongay one” do you mean that odds are a gay manager would be more compassionate? Or odds are that *people think* a gay manager would be more compassionate?
Just making sure I’m udnerstanding you correctly.
Neither actually – People think the odds are that a gay manager would be more compassionate.
“Your typical hetero male is programmed as a boy that there are two emotions: angry and tired” I’ve seen this a lot, and it just doesn’t make sense to me at all. A key part of “hetero male programming” (and I take issue with the term, but that’s another discussion) is about being part of a team and putting the goals of the team above your own personal goals. You can go to any youth football/basketball/baseball/debate/band/whatever summer camp and see boys being taught this on a regular basis. Simply put, being part of a team involves a heck of a… Read more »
Interesting read Kaleb. I like your ambiguous take on the article.
Thanks Shawn. I think it’s hard to literally have no take on an article other than “Well…I get it kind of but I don’t agree all the way.”
As an out gay man, I must say that Danielle Sacks’ assessment of gay male bosses is riddled with generalizations. Sacks claims that “the reflection and candidness required for coming out mean[s] that by the time they get to the workplace, gay men are often secure in their identity and don’t feel the need to abuse people in order to boost their ego,” but this isn’t necessarily true for every out gay man. I recently had an out and engaged gay boss who was the most vicious person I’ve ever met, gay or straight, in my life. He would regularly… Read more »
@AJ
I really appreciate your feedback. The whole article was so misleading. As a gay man who initially thought this was a good read, I could only take so little away from this after sifting through tones of stereotypes and presumptions about men–gay and straight.
It’s really conflicting for me. On the one hand, I’m really proud to see that someone is portraying us in a good light unrelated to hair salons or fashion (not that there’s anything wrong with those at all). But at the same time, she overreaches her knowledge of coming out and makes a blanket statement about gay men’s supposed emotional control as a result of our soul searching during the process. And to add to that, being gay is almost a non issue for people under 20. They’re not as conflicted about their “selves” as we older people were when… Read more »
“the reflection and candidness required for coming out mean[s] that by the time they get to the workplace, gay men are often secure in their identity and don’t feel the need to abuse people in order to boost their ego,”
Not to mention that this implies that straight men often aren’t.
What a generalization. I had an openly gay boss and he wasn’t a very good one. I’ve had female bosses and a couple were fantastic and some were cruel and poor leaders. I don’t think you can generalize
people based on sexual preference or even gender. It’s all up to our personalities, skills and gifts we’ve developed.
@Ben Berlin
Im right there with you. I don’t think oh can generalize a whole group of people like Sacks did. Its interesting that she took skills gained from coming out, and that’s a compelling argument, it’s just a stretch to go further and suggest that either all gay men hold these qualities, or to presume that straight men are less likely to hold these qualities.
I’m with you Ben. I had a boss who was gay and he was simply a manipulative jerk. Not because he was gay, but because he was just a manipulative jerk.
I’m all for the human race choosing to express their love in all consensual ways, but we’ll never reach equality if we keep highlighting the differences between us. Sexuality should not be a factor in assessment of on-the-job qualifications.
@GirlGlad4TheGMP I’m totally with you and Ben on the sexuality should not be a factor in job assessment. But I think Sacks raises an interesting point about how living as a gay person *can* or *most likely* equips people with compassion and understanding, i.e. “I understand emotions and frustration and reflection so much because of my experiences as a gay man. Those skills have helped me become an understanding and more compassionate boss.” What do you think? Is she on to something here in regards to skills and traits developed through trauma giving an edge in the workplace. (Let’s not… Read more »
Kaleb, Thank you for your question and evaluation, especially in the way it was framed. To answer, let me ask you this: Are women more compassionate and understanding due to their gender-based experience(s)? I think that there’s a a body of thought that says yes, but there’s also a whole load of evidentiary experience that says no, or at least not on the whole. I think that as a working hypothesis, it does make sense that groups who tend to have rougher life experiences and/or face discrimination based on race/gender/sexuality traits (among others) would tend to have more compassion for… Read more »
@GirlGlad4TheGMP
I’m glad you elaborated on this. As a hypothesis this is an excellent topic. It gets people thinking of traits gained from hard experiences and translating that into something job-related. But that may be all its worth because we’ll never know. There are too many other variables in a person’s make-up to say “One of your attributes 100% will make you a better boss than others.”
@Ben Berlin … off topic. I like your picture