Hot Sex, Heart Sex, and the Best Sex: 5 Secrets for Having It All

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About Jed Diamond Ph.D

Jed Diamond, Ph.D., is the Founder and Director of the MenAlive, a health program that helps men live long and well. Though focused on men’s health, MenAlive is also for women who care about the health of the men in their lives. Jed is the author of 11 books including his latest: Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well. Since its inception in 1992, Jed has been on the Board of Advisors of the Men’s Health Network. He is also a member of the International Society for the Study of the Aging Male and serves as a member of the International Scientific Board of the World Congress on Gender and Men’s Health. His homepage is


  1. Excellent post, Jed! Connie and I are practicing Karezza…and loving it!!
    (We pronounce it either Karessa or Kareeza, however).

    I wrote an article years ago that readers of your blog might enjoy:

    “Living and Loving Panfaithfully: Creating a Life Full of Integrity, Passion, and Sustainable Loving Relationships”:

    Keep up the great writing!

    ~ Michael

  2. It is after the most violent, explosive, animal, and raw sex that I feel most connected to my partner.

  3. A bit younger than the author says:

    I wonder if the willingness to skip the orgasm isn’t as much a reflection of age as it is of wisdom, maturity, or honestly anything else. I don’t write this as a criticism of the author or to deny his experiences. It just doesn’t work for me.

    I’ve explored other avenues of sex such as delaying orgasm, orgasming without ejaculation, and occasionally do have sex without orgasm when I get winded or sore. And it works, I’ve just never found it satisfying. Addictive… who knows? I’ve certainly never stopped wanting them.

    Are women supposed to orgasm during heart sex? Or would some women say they have heart sex more often than they’d like?

    I don’t stress out about my orgasm or my partner’s. If it’s feeling good, we keep going. If I’m getting too sore or tired, I call it quits. Likewise, that’s her decision to make for herself. That may mean she or I finish ourselves off while the other recovers, which is fine. But, it seems the women I’ve been with get down on themselves a bit if I don’t finish… like they’ve failed at something. And no amount of “It was great, I just didn’t…” seems to put much of a dent in that. Maybe guys get used to the idea that your partner’s not always going to make it or that there’s more to it for a woman than just rubbing. Men, on the other hand, I suppose are supposed to be easier?

    I don’t know. Maybe it’s something to try and maybe setting out with the idea not to orgasm takes the edge off the disappointment. I imagine having an awfully hard time falling asleep after, though. And certainly, I’m a LOT more irritable and restless if I haven’t had one recently.

  4. Revo Luzione says:

    This is an excellent post, and I’m generally a bit cynical about many posts here at GMP. This is one that stands out as as a guidepost for younger men.

    Attaining a deep emotional connection that leads to, and springs from, heart sex, can be a very, very challenging thing to accomplish, especially after one has spent considerable time and conscious effort in adding Level V ballistic armor to one’s emotional centers.

    Yet there’s no better way to connect deeply with another such that the armor of the heart is rendered superfluous, no better way to make a lasting, deep connection with the beloved.

    As for the Karezza/Stockham/Robinson advice, I do see its utility for men who have not trained their sexual arousal and response circuits. Many men are depleted from too much orgasm, and the Karezza techniques are a great way to break that pattern. I have studied these methods deeply, and have utmost respect for their use, and advocate for their use.

    For men who are more motivated to attain a high level of sexual enlightenment and mastery, I highly recommend the Taoist sexual yoga practices in general, and Mantak Chia’s work on the subject in particular. The Multi-Orgasmic Man is a seminal work on the topic, though there are many other great books on the subject.

  5. I’ve read numerous essays on this topic of sex as we age. At 46 & married 17 years I have learned that hot sex is a young man’s game. However, educated boomers and GenXers continue to rationalize their delusions rather than deal with reality. There is a point where physical arousal & wisdom intersect –our prime– before the inevitable decline. I’ve found that honesty begins with the self. Look in the mirror & assess. You can be a good partner without being preoccupied with sex, which is an adolescent trait to begin with. Of course, this approach sells far fewer books.

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