How to Receive a Blowjob Respectfully

Relax, enjoy, and appreciate the gift you’re being given.

I spend my days focused on blowjobs. Really. I shoot blowjob videos with my long-term partner to be featured on our two fellatio-oriented sites—The Art of Blowjob and Slow Motion Blowjob. I write a tremendous amount about my experience as a feminist making (blowjob) porn and I wind up giving a lot of advice about the ins and outs of many things but, you know, most frequently blowjobs. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who spends more time thinking about the oral arts.

Of course, I spend a good chunk of time thinking about how much I enjoy them and how to best share that with the world but, as with anyone who puts that kind of complex and personal content into the world, I also get a tremendous amount of response to what I do. Time and time again, I encounter men who just want to reconcile their good guy-dom with enjoying getting a blowjob, and why shouldn’t they? There are a tremendous amount of unpleasant blowjob tropes out there in the porn world. That was a huge reason for me to focus on the niche … It’s surprisingly hard to find a video of a woman really enjoying herself while giving a blowjob without using sensationalistic and not necessarily sex-positive wording. Mostly it’s a lot of gagging and choking or just phoning it in. There isn’t anything wrong with that per se, especially when framed in a clearly consensual context, but it’s certainly not the ideal experience for a lot of men or women and yet it’s the dominant portrayal of a pretty common sex act.

The reason I bring this up is because it colours a lot of the thoughts one has when thinking about blowjobs. While he can easily surmise, whether through personal experience or intimation, that it feels pretty amazing to have someone’s mouth on his penis, the idea can also conjure up fear of seeming inherently disrespectful or having a partner who isn’t really into it. I feel like the best way to ward off these feelings is to look at the way you ask for what you want. It goes without saying that you should avoid coercive statements, but you should also be able to explain what it is that makes a blowjob important to you.

I know that sounds a bit like an essay question, but the more you can honestly communicate what feels good for you in a way that is sexy and direct, the more people will be inclined to be both personally invested and turned-on by the prospect. There is also concern stemming from the notion that blowjobs are a one-way sex act and that many people feel that’s a bad thing.

I tend to respond to these concerns in two equally important ways: first, that many people find giving pleasure very arousing and second, that there are lots of ways to give back. People often assume that the quid pro quo is oral sex for oral sex, but that makes some assumptions about what your partner may want. Whether it’s a new flame or someone you know very well, asking what makes them feel good yields some very useful information and shows that you care about actually making them feel good instead of just adhering to a sexual script.

When it comes to longer term relationships, sometimes it’s hard to ask for a blowjob, especially if your partner has become less sexual over the years. This is where things get more delicate. It’s important to keep in mind that routines aren’t easily broken and patterns don’t shift overnight, but having ongoing respectful talks about ways to feel more fulfilled in your relationship in general will open up the floor to discuss sexual issues, including blowjobs. Sometimes doctors or therapists can help with larger hormonal or emotional issues, but it does all start with a commitment from both sides to be open-minded and understanding in an effort to find common ground.

Another thing that feels like a huge deal is when you want a rougher blowjob. Just as coming out about any kink, it’s hard to rationalize these desires to yourself, let alone anybody else. The best thing you can do is to contextualize the desire as sexual, be amenable to starting out with just a little experimentation, be aware that this may not be a frequent occurrence and spend time working out safety together as a team. If you are a respectful person and you go out of your way to make that clear, fantasy can be fun and most people are open to trying it with the right framing.

You may not get everything you want at the beginning, and being accepting of that is a big part of being a good guy about getting a blowjob. Some people will gladly jump right in, and you can take this with a grain of salt, but that’s not everyone’s natural inclination. If you find yourself with someone who is having a harder time with it, try to understand and be patient. Not everything comes easily, but it’s certainly worth the wait.

Above all else, make your partner feel sexy and wanted. This isn’t just about you getting a sensation you like… It’s about wanting that sensation from them. Being genuinely happy to be with them and excited to be giving as well is so sexy, and it’s valuable in and of itself. All of this builds upon itself, creating a relationship where passion can grow, people feel safe and you’re both encouraged to explore.

 

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About Camille Crimson

My name is Camille Crimson and I'm the performer and webmaster for The Art of Blowjob and Slow Motion Blowjob---two websites devoted to the sensuality of the blowjob. I create beautiful porn with my boyfriend, creating cinematic-quality videos and sumptuous photos, showing that sexuality can be artful, accessible and erotic. I also spend a lot of time interacting on social media and writing in my blog at CamilleCrimson.com, and I even have my own advice column on Fleshbot. I believe in sharing my views on sex to help other people connect with each other and find that passion in their own lives. When I'm not busy talking about sexuality, I make music (writing my own music, playing guitar and piano and singing), paint, make little movies, code, watch horror and zombie movies, play computer/video games and cook beautiful meals. It's a life well-lived.

You can follow me on TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogle+ and Flickr.

Comments

  1. “All of this builds upon itself, creating a relationship where passion can grow, people feel safe and you’re both encouraged to explore”

    Well, this isn’t a piece I’d expected to come up in my feed… but you can see the author’s passion in her writing. I once mistakenly said that I could genuinely endure a relationship without this type of interaction, it wasn’t until after that relationship and the beginning of the next that I realized how wrong I was for believing that statement. With that lesson learned, I’ve had a much greater appreciation for the kind of passion and love I now experience, and I am much more aware of my partners enjoyment in reciprocity. Too many people simplify these things into sexual acts and do not realize the full beauty of a situation where two people who love eachother share their mutual passion and lust. When all you’re concerned about is the orgasm, you really aren’t getting half of the full experience and benefits of the physical relationship with your partner. If you can learn to appreciate the tantric confluence of your two energies, you’ll exponentially increase your depths for understanding the relationship you have beneath and beyond what is immediately apparent at the surface.

    • Camille Crimson says:

      Thanks a lot, Gordon. It’s really hard to prioritize sex in a long-term relationship. I completely agree. I really hope that we move to a place where being a little more sexually open as a society can be funneled into positive things like being able to identify if this is important to you when finding partners.

  2. “…..but having ongoing respectful talks about ways to feel more fulfilled in your relationship in general will open up the floor to discuss sexual issues, including blowjobs. Sometimes doctors or therapists can help with larger hormonal or emotional issues, but it does all start with a commitment from both sides to be open-minded and understanding in an effort to find common ground.”

    Well I tried all this in my former marriage. I was unable to find any “common” ground. Hence, I had no choice (in order to preserve my mental sanity) but to file for divorce. Nearly one third of all marriage in America are sexless. The number one culprit is the woman. Just as women end 70% of marriages, they all end the sex, period.

    Btw, I visited the website, “The Art of the Blow Job”. Talk about a shameless plug for porn. I cannot believe GMP allowed this. Pathetic.

    • These are the same women who have been raised in a context in which they are encouraged to think of sex as something they do for the benefit of men and in which they are generally discouraged from exploring their own desires (e.g. most porn is aimed at straight men and there’s a greater ‘slut-stigma’ placed on promiscuous women than men). You shouldn’t be surprised when women in this context show a lack of interest in sex, especially when the initial excitement has worn off.

      There are all kinds of reasons why you might have found your sex life (or lack there of) with your ex-wife to be unsatisfactory, but I’d be surprised if she purposefully sabotaged that aspect of the relationship. Making her solely to ‘blame’ for the end of the relationship for this reason alone is unfair. Why does anyone have to be to blame for the end of a relationship? Maybe you were just incompatible. It’s a shame neither of you were aware of that before you were married, but it happens a lot nonetheless.

      • Camille Crimson says:

        You’re very right, Soda. It’s important to look at the context a lot of women grow up in. It’s not easy to be a sexual woman, especially as you age. We’re bombarded with very different imagery of what it is to be a wife and an older woman, and that’s not inherently sexual. Some people deal with this by shutting off, which may have been what he was dealing with. It’s not to say that’s right, but it’s certainly not a black and white issue, as you say.

        • Great comments, Soda and Camille. How do you know who is to blame for the end of a sex life/relationship? Just look at all the talk on other threads about a husband who told his friend that he had to go to strip clubs because motherhood had ‘ruined her tits.’ How do you have sex with someone who thinks that parts of your body ruined? Of course your sex life will get worse if you know or sense that your husband feels this way about you or is humiliating you by talking about you like this. I’d rather masturbate imagining someone who desires me and finds me beautiful. Would you be in the mood all the time if you didn’t feel desired?

          • Camille Crimson says:

            I think that there are some very clear problems in relationships, and having that level of inconsiderate behaviour is fairly clearly upsetting. I think that in those cases, serious conversation and healing (maybe through therapy) because that’s no environment to have a healthy relationship.

          • Aya says:
            “Would you be in the mood all the time if you didn’t feel desired?”

            You may have hit upon the reason that so many men have erectile dysfunction. Even for men, it’s not 24/7 about desiring your partner, but also about feeling desired.

            Women seem to forget that. In my experience, taunting and teasing is the best way to keep things stoked. I frequently tell my wife (when she does things I like) “hey, you just might get lucky tonight”. I think it’s healthy to implant the suggestion that sex is a gift you give to her too, and the suggestion that she is lucky to have you.

            Other times I have scratched her back and she’ll make an approving moan. I joke and say:”See, I know just how to make you moan” the joke of course being her verbal signal of pleasure not coming from sex, but from a back scratching.

            Men have to learn how to tease and flirt with their wives and keep the fire stoked with banter.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              It’s so wonderful to feel desired. Gender shouldn’t play a role in that. It’s absolutely crucial for arousal, and flirtation also just keeps you smiling and light in your relationship. It’s wonderful.

    • Why? it’s sex-positive still, I think it’s good to hear from an actress herself, especially as it highlights the existence of good porn.

      • Camille Crimson says:

        Thanks a lot, Archy. I would hate people to think I’m just a shill, because there are way easier ways to shill. ;)

    • Camille Crimson says:

      This is unfortunate to see. If this was just a shameless plug, I can think of a lot of simpler ways than going to a mainstream site and writing a long and involved piece. I wrote this because I hope people will be able to identify what their priorities are in their sex lives and get what they want in a respectful way.

      Of course, not every relationship is going to have common ground. Sometimes people can’t make it work, but I don’t think this is a larger problem with women. I think it’s more based on individuals. It’s unfortunate that it didn’t work out in your case, but it’s a sweeping generalization to say that women end all the sex in long-term relationships.

      • @Camille..

        Maybe shameless plug was too strong. Sorry.

        While I am not a porn user, it is not my place to decide and judge others. Freedom works.

        I simply take issue with the need to list your websites in this piece. You could have made the same case and point without the porn sites.

        JMO.

        • Camille Crimson says:

          Well, no one here knows me and it set up the context for me understanding this topic. It’s nothing more than that.

          • I’m thankful for the plug. I’ve always wanted a more artistic approach to love making. I think you and your BF do an amazing job! But I likely never would have found it on my own…

  3. Do you have any advice for a woman who really wants to give her partner pleasure but finds giving a blow job to be, well, physically uncomfortable? Before very long, my jaw always starts to hurt, I get a pain in my neck, and honestly I just get tired. If it goes on too long, my mind wanders. I know he’s having a good time, but it feels so disconnected, somehow. Maybe because he doesn’t interact with me much during the “act,” he just lies back and enjoys it. Which is fine, but … I wonder what he’s thinking about and I start to get bored. I know that sounds terrible. I can’t tell him that I’m bored, though, because I know if he told me that he was bored by giving ME pleasure, I’d be devastated! So what can I say? I’m willing to give him a blow job when he asks, but I think he’s noticed I’m not that enthusiastic, even though I try as much as I can to fake it. If I could make it more fun for myself, I’d be more into it. I just don’t know how. Ideas?

    • Try jerk him off and give yourself rest breaks, pay attention to the head of the penis where you can kiss, lick, suck and not have to open your mouth fully. If he is uncut, and his foreskin can retract, try retract it, and lick the head gently (this drives me wild). You can ask him to interact with you more during the bj, speaking from experience I was told to touch her more as I was in dreamland basically, it’s such a great feeling that it sends you off to the clouds I guess. Maybe try position yourself so he can use his hands to pleasure you, or try a 69?

    • Camille Crimson says:

      I agree with Archy. A blowjob doesn’t have to be repetitive motion deep-throating. There are so many ways to use your lips and your tongue along the head, shaft, balls, etc… Using your hands, either stroking or teasing with your fingertips, using your breasts and continuing to tease the tip through your cleavage if possible… Don’t try all these sensations in rapid sensation, but create your own rhythm based on what works for him and what keeps you engaged.

      Definitely ask for feedback. He may be naturally quiet, but explain that it’s really hot when you hear and see what what you’re doing is working, especially if you’re going to be getting more adventurous. On top of the 69/hand stimulation Archy mentioned, you can also find a toy to use on yourself while you give him a blowjob. Some are even hands-free!

    • As with both of the previous replies, mix it up. Hopefully you can be sexually free with him. Take it at your own pace. You can place his hands on your breasts or fingering you. If you get tired, rest. Do something different for a little bit. You can alway come back to that if you want to. Let your hands and lips wander. I would recommend getting comfortable with this before trying 69, only because you have less freedom of movement. My husband and I have found a sort of ‘T’ possition to be very fulfilling, because he can still enjoy my mouth, but my body is close to him for touching and I can start and stop as needed, but still be fully engaged.

      • Camille Crimson says:

        Absolutely, TL! Rest is key. There’s no harm in not going at it non-stop. There are lots of ways to have a nice progression without being exhausted.

    • wellokaythen says:

      And, as for your mind wandering, that’s not the end of the world, either. It may be unrealistic to expect yourself to be entranced every second by what you’re doing. I quite enjoy cunnilingus, but it’s not like every single second of it is equally thrilling to me.

      • Camille Crimson says:

        You’re right. It’s not ideal, but not every second always has to be engaging. That said, focusing on giving pleasure can get pretty erotic if your fantasies are in line with your experience on some level.

    • @ question:
      When you say it takes too long, how long is this? For most men (if they are enjoying it) I would say that anything over 5 minutes is seldom, over 10 is rare, and over 15 is very rare.

      Is he using viagra? I recently found out that viagra staves off orgasm in addition to helping with erections. I have heard stories of all night marathons with 1 to 2 hours between orgasms.

      Is he on mood control medication? I understand that some mood control or depression medication (like paxil) reduces men’s ability to achieve orgasm a great deal. I have even heard it is used in professional porn for this very purpose.

      • I was on zoloft and received a bj for over an hour, it delayed my orgasm and made it difficult to achieve. I would get close and then nothing, so I had to finish myself off masturbating furiously to orgasm whilst telling her that it wasn’t her fault. I soon got off those meds….

      • Camille Crimson says:

        Sometimes people just don’t have reactions to certain types of stimulation. It may feel good, but it’s not necessarily the quickest route to orgasm.

      • Good question, he takes Lexapro and he needs a bit more stimulation than average to reach orgasm. He needs really intense stimulation. if I really work at it, it takes at least 15 minutes, which feels like an eternity. If you want to know what it is like, take a vibrator or, IDK, a large unpeeled banana and stuff it into your mouth and try sucking on it 15 solid minutes while hunched in an extremely uncomfortable position….

        • Some SSRI’s can cause delayed orgasm or difficulty reaching orgasm, like what I had with zoloft. I received a blowjob for over an hour without orgasm, I was at the point just before orgasm after 10minutes and just couldn’t get over that lil hill. I threw those meds out!

  4. Hi Camille, great article.
    I had a question, what is your view regarding facials, do you find them degrading?

    • Camille Crimson says:

      You read my mind, Archy. I’m planning on hopefully expanding on this idea to include facials for another piece here. For now I’ll say, I love them a lot and I don’t think there’s anything degrading about them as long as everybody involved wants it to happen.

      • Glad to hear it. I’ve always wondered if women found them degrading. I’ve wanted to try give a woman a facial but I didn’t want her to think I was trying to degrade her or anything like that.

        Looking forward to another article of yours. Thank-you for this one, it’s great to see women creating their own porn too n making ethical porn that’s great.

        • Camille Crimson says:

          Thanks so much! I think that it’s really important for men to feel that they can enjoy sex and porn too. Sometimes that message gets very muddled.

          • Amen to that, males looking at porn is so often demonized that I feel I am meant to hate myself because I look at it.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              It’s so wrong that it’s everywhere and yet we’re so limited in our understanding of how to consume and enjoy it, but I guess that could be said about just about anything.

        • I only find “facials” degrading if I suspect the guy is doing it because he considers it to be disrespectful and degrading toward me and that’s why it turns him on. I don’t like that feeling, personally. Otherwise, I don’t mind although it doesnt really do much for me. My main objections are that’s it’s messy and I worry about getting it in my eyes. I’ve heard that getting semen in an eye really burns horribly.

          • I think I’d only try it if she had sunglasses on, the whole messyness and in the eye problems actually kinda turn me off to the idea…I never ever wanna make her feel uncomfy.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              It does really burn. I tend to stroke him to finish on my face and aim lower, around my mouth.

          • Camille Crimson says:

            The burning is bad. Talk beforehand and make it more of a chin/neck facial, or close your eyes as it happens. Cum in the eye can ruin an evening.

            • “Cum in the eye can ruin an evening.”

              LMAO!! Communication is the key to exploration. Unless you are absolutely certain of your boundaries, you can either REALLY offend someone, or really surprise someone. All relationsihpos should have an open communication about what each partner expects.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              You’re right! But unless you’re really into pain, avoiding cum in the eyes should be an unspoken, rule. ;)

        • As a woman, I can say that I do not find facials degrading (depending on the context). If with someone I feel safe and comfortable with, it’s anything but degrading. :)

          • Thank-you ladies for the replies. I see intent is clearly more important here, many things can be degrading I guess with the intent to degrade. Comfort n safety are a must, they’re something I always strive for as I never want my partner to feel bad.

            Thanks again.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              I’m glad we got to talk about this here, and I hope that it can be brought up in an article soon. A lot of considerate but interested guys could find a way to explore it in a kind way.

          • Camille Crimson says:

            Amen to that!

          • Some men get off on the whole degrading thing. Those are the men who don’t deserve it! But its entirely possible for 2 people to agree that that is what they want, and for them both to enjoy it purely because of the act, and not because of some underlying power trip.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              Exactly.

              Even when it comes to “degrading” sex, as long as everyone is into is as a fantasy and there’s consent, I don’t think that’s necessarily bad. Kinks run deep, and there’s no shame in that.

      • Is there a bump in paid subscriptions to your site associated with “facial” clips?

  5. I’m fortunate to have had several lovers that enjoyed giving me a blowjob, sometimes stopping in the middle of the day and going down on me. When I tried to reciprocate, I was told they did it simply because they liked doing it and didn’t expect anything in return. It was a present (like Camille’s article title), given freely because they wanted to.

    Being a guy, I found this hard to believe and would try to do the same to them. I had no complaints (well, once I was flat told she wasn’t in the mood), but only once was I asked “Why?” and she wouldn’t take “Because” for an answer. She knew me too well and I told her I felt I should because she did the same for me. She told me she appreciated it, but would appreciate it far more if I did it when and because I wanted to, not because I felt any obligation. I did and the next time we ended up having sex in a *highly* inappropriate place.

    I try to reflect that attitude in my writing, that ultimately *she* is in the driver’s seat during a blowjob and that as a guy, I should just relax and enjoy what is freely and happily given to me.

    • Camille Crimson says:

      That is a great way to feel. Knowing that your partner is giving you pleasure because they want to AND you want to is the perfect scenario. If all sex could be like that, we’d all be walking around in bliss.

    • Great comment, Bill. Sometimes a blow job is just a blow job. You don’t have to feel the NEED to reciprocate. But it’s different if you *expect* blow jobs, but are grossed out by going *down there* or go around having a braggy attitude about receiving them. I saw one guy on a porn site comment on this more erotic video, saying, “Great job, man. You got through the whole scene without giving cunnilingus.” That kind of attitude is annoying. It almost turns the tables and says that going down on a woman is somehow degrading for a man.

      • Camille Crimson says:

        I think being open to being giving is great, but the quid pro quo isn’t necessarily the point.

        • My GF absolutely will not let me “just” go down on her. She will gladly try perform just for me, no expectations or desire for reicprocity, but she will not let me do the same for her. But I would have to admit that its more that after I’ve used my tongue, she is so turned on that she wants everything else I can offer. So, maybe I’m comparing 2 different things…

        • I agree about quid pro quo not being the point. I enjoy giving blow jobs and incorporating it into sex or just giving a surprise blow job. I really don’t enjoy when guys go down on me. It is just not my thing. If I’m offering a blow job it doesn’t mean I expect reciprocation. I never liked the idea of giving a blow job and expecting reciprocation or it’s not worth it. But that’s just me.

          • I think in sex and love, nothing can or should be expected. This is where that key element, communication, displays its importance!

            • Camille Crimson says:

              You’re so right! Conversation and a sincere attempt at understanding is the only way that you can ever really know what the other person thinks and wants.

      • Aya, those guys who act like oral sex for women is less important or fulfilling or degrading than for men are true assholes! Nuff said…

  6. And yet, it’s surprising how often you’ll find people who will declare that BJs are inherently and automatically ‘degrading and objectifying and abusive to women.’ In fact, there’s one or two of them floating around this very site….

  7. I heard today that there have been 7 million unique visits to the good men project.
    On any given day there are 200,000 visits to this site.
    My businesses are construction and artistic metal & woodwork by definition manly enterprises, can I flog my business here too?
    I’ve been getting blowjobs for 40 something years and I never needed a pro to tell me how to act appreciatively. I learned thank you in words, deeds & body language in kindergarten.
    But just for the record, to show your respect to a pro for a
    put the money on the dashboard or leave it on the dresser; unless it is a knees & standup in the alley scene in which the custom is hand to hand cash exchange.
    Can’t wait for the followup : “ATM in Public for Dummies”

    • Believe it or not, there are truly inconsiderate, impolite, and vulgar men out there who don’t appreciate these things, take them for granted, and consider it to be some sort of “right” for them to receive this “gift” from a woman.

      • @ Gordon not hard for me to Believe- I note there are AHoles, Male & Female unschooled about all human interactions. I also know there are women who think giving a BJ is something special.
        And then there are the ones who think their BJ are extraordinary…
        @Everyone- Just out of curiosity do the same rules apply women getting head from men & women?

    • Camille Crimson says:

      Your attitude towards women and sex workers is pretty unfortunate and not really the general tone associated with this website. I hope you reconsider the way you talk about women and their sexuality.

  8. TheBattleOf69 says:

    Ok, no one’s saying it here, so I guess I’ll be the first. The problem I have here (as a guy) with the implication that we men need to be more grateful when getting a BJ is that: well, frankly a lot of us are way better at going down on our girlfriends/ wives than they are at going down on us. I live in New York, and every other guy in his 30’s I know says he’d much rather go down on his girl than get a BJ from because a) we know we can get them off, usually multiple times, b) we really enjoy pleasuring them, and c) they’re generally so unskilled/ untrained in giving head that it just becomes an exercise in frustration for us. (They’re not careful with their teeth, they don’t use enough saliva, they don’t incorporate their hands, they don’t vary it up.) We men take doing down our girls very seriously. We study it, we listen closely to our lovers’ needs, and we watch a lot of porn–especially girl-on-girl. We worship female anatomy and and what makes our ladies tick. But our girlfriends? They never watch porn and they’re completely unable to hear “feedback” as it strikes them as hurtful criticism–even if delivered as gingerly as possible. The result–sorry to say–is that most women aren’t very good at it. Esquire even did an article on this phenomenon not long ago called “Death of the Blowjob.” I realize this is probably more true for a younger generation than older, but I’m sorry, I think a lot of us men think women need to step up their game. Thoughts on this, Camille?

    • Giving a blow job is really exhausting as someone else said above. It’s difficult to give a good one. I’ve always felt I do a lousy job though I sincerely do my best. But wow, it’s TIRING to do it right. By the end I feel like I don’t want to see a penis again for month! Kidding a little. But honestly, it’s physically stressful to perform. I don’t know if men get tired giving oral sex to women (I imagine they do, it can’t be that pleasant if it takes too long) — but I think there is a difference in the degree of physical exertion. As for learning from porn, I get really turned off by watching porn, so I don’t think it would help. Also, from what I’ve seen of porn, I’m not capable of performing physical feats that appear to require 100’s of hours of professional training and maybe jaw yoga!

      • Camille Crimson says:

        That’s an interesting perspective… I can’t honestly say I’ve heard this much. Have you tried varying your positions and techniques when you start to get tired?

        • Well I think it’s tiring to actually get a guy to orgasm thru a BJ. You have to keep the stimulation going at a pretty intense level, and once he’s close, you can’t stop even if your neck is cramping horribly, your jaw hurts, your arm is tired, and you can hardly breathe! And afterwards you can’t act like it was tiring, you have tell him you loved it! Just playing around orally is different and less tiring. I don’t mind just playing around and it can be fun , but trying to get a guy to orgasm is a tough job. I do it for love but not because I love it.

          • Thank you, Sarah, for caring!

          • I think most women love playing around orally with a guy but find it tiring to get a guy to have to an orgasm. I, being a woman, like to play with male genitalia but getting them to have an orgasm can be a tough job sometimes. Btw, I love watching porn videos where women are shown giving BJ to men. It turns me on immensely. And strangely enough videos depicting a guy eating out a woman does nothing for me.

    • God I hope this is rare….

      • Sorry Archy ; Crumly lied there is good digging and bad pussy….
        I’m kind of hoping you are well on the way to knowing the difference between gettin good & bad head.
        My suggestion is go for a woman with a sense of humor over knock out good looks-
        Face it sex is pretty absurd and silly once you get past busting a nut and passing on your genes.

    • Maxine Shaw, attorney at LOL says:

      “frankly a lot of us are way better at going down on our girlfriends/ wives than they are at going down on us.”

      You can’t possibly be serious.

      • @ maxine- Just out of curiosity- what does Atty @ LOL mean?

      • TheBattleOf69 says:

        “You can’t possibly be serious.”

        Yes, Maxine, 100%. Though, no, I don’t pretend that this is a universal truth. I’m talking about a sliver of the population here for whom this is true. I’m sure there are millions of housewives in middle America who give great blowjobs to ungrateful husbands who’ve let themselves go and never “return the favor” and even think it’s “gross.” For them, I apologize on behalf of men everywhere. You’re getting a raw deal. Hell, maybe you’re fantastic at them yourself. For that I applaud you and thank you for your service to our country. ;) But, I swear, if you lived in LA, SF or NYC, and had a ton of ambitious alpha male friends you engaged in brutally honest talk, they’d tell you that most women are really bad at BJs. And please consider that the reason you may have never heard this from your male friends before is we know how badly it will be received. But it’s the truth. There is a growing population of men (younger) who are completely devoted to the art of eating out a woman. Because to us there is nothing more amazing than being able to bring a woman to orgasm again and again and again. It’s like a drug, almost better than climaxing ourselves. And while I’m at it, know what else we’re surprised to learn we’re better at than our girlfriends? Cooking. I can’t tell you how many career women I’ve dated in New York who can’t cook dinner for a guy, though a lot of us can even roll our own sushi or knock out a rack of lamb when they come over. I’m telling ya, the times are changin’.

        • Have you talked to said girlfriends about their lousy BJ skills? I don’t mean being critical, I mean saying, “I’d really like it if you did X, Y or Z”. I mean, communication is key.

          There is also the issue of where are women supposed to learn how to give great blow jobs and get practiced at it, unless they give 100’s of them and I don’t think you’d want to date a woman who’d blown dozens of guys.

          Also, have you considered that many women simply don’t enjoy giving BJ’s because as I previously mentioned, it’s often physically uncomfortable? Also, personally I tend to lose a lot of my arousal while giving a BJ and if things are going to continue sexually after that, I need to get warmed up all over again, which is a bit of a drag. Maybe this is because I get turned on by being touched, kissing, and feeling a lot of close body contact with my partner. Giving a BJ is a lot different, because I’m not being touched and nothing on my body is being stimulated, I have to think a lot about what I’m doing and it’s kind of stressful because I’m trying to do it right. All of which kills sexual arousal because I’m not relaxed. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing it because he enjoys it but it is not particularly arousing for me.

          • Camille Crimson says:

            What about 69? That’s a great way to bridge the gap.

            Also, it’s very true that, unless you find a fair way to voice your desires, you can’t blame someone for not intuiting them.

            • My boyfriend and I have never been able to find a comfortable 69 position. We can never figure out how to get it to work for either of us.

            • Place a small pillow under his head/shoulders, straddle his face, lean forward, have dessert…

            • Camille Crimson says:

              Yes! Playing around with pillows, furniture and even stairs can do the trick. There’s also sex furniture and bumpers made specifically to get you into different positions.

    • Camille Crimson says:

      I think your mention of porn speaks volumes about any potential “learning gap” between men and women when it comes to giving pleasure. We’re not all given the same societal access to this kind of learning. It’s not considered proper for women to know how to give blowjobs in many circles. We don’t reward women for being sexual in that way, really, at least not in many aspects of our culture.

      That said, it’s also an assumption to think that all women are receiving careful oral sex that addresses their needs…

      • It’s so hard to see good oral on a woman in porn with the camera angles. Over 50% of oral I’ve seen has a face planted between the thighs and everything is covered, can’t see what’s going on.

        I agree we need to encourage n celebrate women and their sexuality, everyone should be rewarded. I absolutely hate the suppression of anyones sexuality, to me that is a criminal act.

        • Camille Crimson says:

          It’s a hard sex act to shoot, which I guess is part of why it’s not shown as much in porn… But that’s certainly not the only reason, unfortunately.

  9. I enjoy them when I get them, but they’re not a big deal to me. Yeah, I enjoy giving cunnilingus when she’s in the mood.
    I’ve never come to climax from a blowjob. There are some reasons for this I suppose: women need practice, and (with my partners at least) it might not be high on their list of female attainments. They may be great in the sack, smart, funny, goodlooking, etc., but not insanely great at blowjobs. I also think my own masturbation habits as a teenager gave me a preference for a type of sexual motion and stimulus that I wouldn’t expect an ordinary gal to provide with her tongue, lips, jaw, and neck. Maybe someone who is very practiced at it, enjoys it, and takes her false teeth out before getting started could bring me to nirvana that way :o), but it’s not a big deal to me. I don’t mind if she can’t get me off with her mouth, because she has other things to offer in bed. I don’t get bent out of shape if she decides to forego receiving head from me in favor of a vibrator to augment her own pleasure.

    • Camille Crimson says:

      I think that masturbation techniques here probably play the lion’s share of the role and that’s okay. Not every stimulus works for everyone, but if you enjoy it, that’s all that matters.

  10. I’ve always said that all men should try giving a blowjob and receive anal sex to see how women feel in these roles. Perhaps if battle69 gave a blowjob to another man ‘in the proper way’ then he will realise just how difficult it is

    • But women get it worse!!111. Where’d the anal sex comment from from?

      • A lot of guys want to have anal sex, and don’t understand why many women find it unpleasant, or even painful. Or they think women should do it anyway. They lack empathy. Ozy had a link to a really horrible article in some men’s magazine awhile back where all these guys talked about basically forcing their girlfriends to put up with anal sex as a kind of power trip. Maybe they would have more empathy if they switched roles.

        • I will never understand men’s fascination with Anal sex. It just seems disgusting and painful to me. Nothing turns me off as much as Anal sex and I don’t think I will ever agree to have that with any guy. I have to ask this to girls who have been involved in Anal sex because I am curious to know. Honestly, does it provides any sort of pleasure? Like any pleasurable sensation when the thrusting goes on? Or do you do this only to please your Man?

    • No……it’s really not that difficult of a concept……no I’ve never given one. Just put yourself in he guy’s shoes…..THINK!

      Moisture is a good thing. Come on ladies, how would you feel if some idiot was rubbing a dry hand/fingers on a dry clit? NEVER STROKE THE SHAFT WITH A DRY HAND!

      Be careful with those teeth.

      Kissing it is a waste of time…..that is, with a closed mouth.

      Effort is a huge bonus! So remember, in almost all cases, until you are able to deepthroat while licking the balls, you can go deeper.

      The hand is supposed to help the mouth and not the other way around…..

      Back to the balls…..pay attention them almost as you want men to pay attention to the clit.

      Ms. Crimson give a pretty good demonstration, but it (or should I say her demonstration tool) is limited. If you want to see how a pro does all of what I touched on, as well as showing good hand skills during intercourse, check out Jenni Lee.

      • Oh…and ladies…..”choking the chicken” is only an expression. A killer death grip is very far from necessary.

      • Camille Crimson says:

        I’d say that when it comes to kissing, moisture (men with foreskins don’t necessarily need lube/spit because of the movement of the skin), ball play… People really do like different things. It’s not rocket science, but it’s not the same for everyone either. Communication is the best bet, not sticking to universal tips and tricks.

        • I agree Camille. Communication is definitely the best bet.

          • And for the record: Men and women have been making the same mistake for years; men asking men how to please a woman and women asking women how to please a man. To me that is idiotic. If you really want to know how to please the opposite sex, ask someone (preferably multiple people) of the opposite sex.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              Well, I think the best thing is to just ask the person. If they want the pleasure, they’ll tell you.

        • For masturbation I still need some lube with my foreskin, it dries out and the friction gets annoying and even a bit painful. Probably far less lube than a circumcised penis though. Keep the head wet is the best advice I can give.

          • Camille Crimson says:

            Absolutely. And that’s not to say that people all want the same thing, even within cut/uncut designations, but the main thing is that very few things are universal.

            • Yep, best to ask your partner and tell them that he/she can give you tips without taking it as an insult. It doesn’t mean you’re terrible in bed but it’s more like you have to figure out if the triangle for the triangle slot is really his triangle and not the circle:P Gotta tailor make the experience for each other, learn what each other’s grooves are, how best to please each other. For instance some people love cuddling after sex for a while, but in many cases I can’t stand to be touched (I get skin overload basically, everything is too much) for about 5 minutes after orgasm and feel smothered, but wait a lil while and I’m ok with being touched.

            • Camille Crimson says:

              You couldn’t be more right, Archy! There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to pleasure. Figuring out what your partner likes is an exciting process.

      • I disagree with kissing, it’s very hot to watch (when a woman does it to me, I mean not porn).

        It brings a whole new dynamic to the table when a woman kisses your _____ and is looking at you while doing it.

        • My husband likes to be kissed there too and I agree eye contact is very erotic, the difference of opinion here just goes to show that Camille is giving very sensible advice when she says “There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to pleasure. Figuring out what your partner likes is an exciting process”… In other words “Whatever floats your boat..”

          • Camille Crimson says:

            Thanks a lot, nonplussed! I try to disseminate the idea that everyone is different and communication is the best way to figure things out.

        • Camille Crimson says:

          Eye contact can make that moment absolutely magical. I’ve brought my boyfriend to orgasm a few times in just that way. A well placed, tongue-inclusive kiss with lots of loving eye contact can work wonders.

          • Damn right! Your boyfriend is the most fortunite man on the planet! Nothing is more of a turnoff than a look like your girl is taking cold medicine when she’s going down on you! At least PRETEND you enjoy it. I mean, we enjoy giong down on you!

            • Ha….if his face looks that way, it does for a reason. Show some pride in your work.

              And you probably should also stop faking it too.

    • Camille Crimson says:

      I think it’s hard to compare the difficulty of sex acts, but I will say that it’s also hard to know what your partner is actually feeling, and people may be underappreciating the work that others put in while overappreciating their own.

  11. “Gift”?
    That line of thinking is pure insanity. Rarely have I had one so good that I viewed it as a gift…….and I’ve had quite a few, by quite a few partners. The act should be viewed as a duty. That whole idea is almost as bad as women (in relationships) withholding the V as a frequent punishment or bargaining chip. There’s a reason that sluts are breaking up unions! Conversely, there’s also a reason that those same sluts are being treated like whores………..lol…….lunacy!

    • A duty?!?!?

      Someone feels awfully entitled… While I’ll agree that no one should use any sexual act as a bargaining chip in their relationship, it seems like your over all view of women is that they are possessions, objects that you should be allowed to subject to your whim. Your lack of respect is disgusting!

      • False….I give my all, when engaged in the act…..with passion….I simply expect the same. I’ve devoted a lot of time to the study of sex. Going so far as to read books written by female doctors that were intended to help women get better at the act. A great many women have the misconception that all they have to do is show up and the guy is turned on…..and even more don’t understand just how quick a guy can be turned off.

        No I do not treat women like objects or toys. On the contrary, I do everything I can (when there’s time) to get it right. All I ask is that they do the same.

        • Your belief that there’s one ‘right’ way to do sex is a huge red flag. Different people like different things. Are you quite sure that all these partners you’ve had have been enjoying this extremely correctly performed sex as much as you’ve been imagining they do?

          It’s great that you read books, do you also take an interest in what your partners are actually interested in?

          • Soda
            Wouldn’t it be kinda silly for me to be speaking of “getting it right”, if I wasn’t interested in what the woman was interested in? It would be equally silly for me to believe that getting it right requires some sort of pre-plained robotic series of motions. Sex if supposed to be fun for everyone involved. Be in boring and predictable (for me) is not an option. Boring and predictable sex can kill a relationship.

            For instance…..my ex bought a sex position book and, upon seeing it, my first inquiry was why she wasted her money. As we sat and flipped through the book, we shared a pretty good laugh. We were laughing because out of 52 positions in the book, we had done 50.

            “Correct” is mind numbing orgasims. It also helps when the guy doesn’t have to wait between or stop because of cumming. Sex is an beautiful art and the practice of this art should be taken seriously. How someone performs oral and actual intercorse says a lot about them.

            So, Soda, to answer your question; while I do love The Temptation, the answer is no. It’s not just my imagination.

    • Camille Crimson says:

      Sex of any kind as a duty eliminates fun and consent, which are the hallmarks of good sex.

      Of course, people shouldn’t use sex as a tool to control or manipulate, but that goes both ways.

      Being a caring lover goes far beyond being skilled or dedicated. There’s a much larger framework at play.

      • I disagree……..The duty doesn’t lie in one particular act. If you actually care for your partner, you will do what it takes to please them. If you actually care about doing well at anything, it is your duty (an act or expression of respect—the binding or obligatory force of something that is morally or legally right—moral or legal obligation) to give you all to that act. The duty isn’t the sex and it is not the oral. The duty is doing what it takes to please your partner. If you have any respect for yourself, you’ll do what it takes (within reason).
        But all that is only for the people who’s goal is pleasing their partners.

        • I guess it depends what you mean by duty. Something you have to do always? The only real duty we have is to please each other but even then that doesn’t mean all day, every day.

        • I dislike the word duty. It means an obligation to do something whether you like it or not. What about the dutyofmthe recipient to make sure he/she isn’t demanding something their partner doesn’t enjoy?

        • Camille Crimson says:

          I think act of respect isn’t a bad way to think about it, but duty is a difficult word to ever associate with sex.

          • Can you please get over that ONE (that was clearly defined) word and read the rest of what was said? I mean, really read it.
            It should be obvious that those words come from an enormously sexual person who takes to sexual adventures like Indiana Jones.
            Really, why did you click this article? If it was only to figure out how to make giving bj’s a less unpleasant experience, then you’re probably not that sexual. The fun part of being adventurous is there are probably dozens of things that I’ve yet to do and will love.

  12. Camille, I first saw your work about a year ago and was really pleased to see that another woman has a vision similar to mine – the blowjob as not just a favor or obligation, but as a bilaterally erotic act. Despite knowing better, I’d always felt like a bit of a “slut” for enjoying it, so what you’re putting out there really means a lot to me. If I may be frank, it was also mind-blowingly arousing for me.

    I like to swallow, although I really like to have a Coke to settle my stomach afterward. Oddly, my current partner has no difficulty making sure there’s always one in the fridge…

    • Camille Crimson says:

      High five! It’s lovely to find a kindred spirit here.

      And your partner sounds like a keeper! A lot of women have difficulty with a little post-swallowing indigestion, so some carbonation and sugar is probably a great idea. I had never thought much about it!

  13. I agree that if you don’t try it once, you will not know. So JB, you actually don’t know what is involved in giving a blowjob, try to take your own advice and put yourself in the woman’s shoes. You may know what is needed because you are feeling it but to give it is quite a different thing when you have to guess how to do it, for the most part in an uncomfortable position for the giver, which the receiver doesn’t always realise. Don’t be so patronising, if you actually are good at giving oral now, you had to start somewhere at first. You are either so arrogant as to think you are God’s gift to women or you are just a troll that people are feeding. I suspect the latter

    • Who says he hasn’t given a bj to a man?

    • Ava
      LOL………sounds like you’re making it hard for yourself. Study the art……buy a toy and practice……grab your boyfriend and practice…..ask questions……..watch a ton of bj porn. Those tips that I gave are good; remember them. LOL……you call me arrogant, yet you speak of guessing “how to do it’. How about humbling yourself, eliminating the guess work and letting your partner coach you through it. You don’t have to guess then.

      And, by the way, those tips that I gave are good; remember them. That doesn’t mean hold them as law. It’s good to have a wide variety of techniques.

  14. I think the tenor of the article is spot on… but often, this kind of giving spirit just doesn’t go two ways. It’s lovely to be concerned for your partner’s pleasure, but if they aren’t equally as invested in yours (and I’m not talking about immediate ‘reciprocity’ here), it kind of takes the fun out of it. If it’s for him 75% of the time anyway, what’s the point?

    • Camille Crimson says:

      That is a really unfortunate reality of relationships, but I think that honest communication and the right kind of encouragement can level things out a bit in terms of enthusiasm about being a giving lover. Sometimes there are differences in libidos and preferences that can’t be avoided, but talking about it will illuminate the issues and maybe provide a way to change things.

  15. Thanks Camille, I love your website and think your article is great advice. I sincerely honestly LOVE giving my husband a BJ, it is one of my most favourite things and can only agree with all you say about intimacy and communication – this is something that most porn does not address, I don’t see the stuff you do as porn as such – perhaps it is, I just don’t see it that way.

    To any guy who doesn’t feel like his partner is doing it right, don’t be shy just gently tell her how you really like it done, we’re not mind readers. When I first got together with my husband I was pretty clumsy and inexperienced but over time I have enjoyed improving my technique, it’s not hard work at all to me, I think I probably enjoy it as much as he does.

    • Camille Crimson says:

      Thanks so much! I’m glad you’re a BJ enthusiast too and it sounds like you’re pretty awesome at it. And I certainly know what you mean. There’s a lot of attention taken out of the act in most mainstream porn. It’s just kind of there. It’s hard to draw any inspiration from that.

      • Thanks Camille, as a fellow BJ enthusiast it’s a huge compliment to be called awesome from you whose videos I have got so many tips from. I haven’t watched a lot of porn but what I have seen I’ve found to be disappointing and mechanical (just my take and this may be a woman thing I don’t know), whereas I think the stuff you do with your partner is highly erotic and beautiful. Ah, I’m inspired now…

    • “I think I probably enjoy it as much as he does.”

      That sounds pretty rare from what I have seen. I find it incredible that some women seem to love giving bjs, and others don’t want “that thing” anywhere near the upper part of their bodies.

      In any women’s experience here, are there other shared personality traits among women that love giving bjs? I’m assuming part of it is how deeply the woman has fallen for the guy, but initial attraction to men seems to wear off for women. So women who continue loving to do it past the “new relationship” stage are the cats pajamas in my book.

      I would be very interested if any women had any insights of what other shared personality traits you’ve noticed among female bj enthusiasts.

      • John D, you raise an interesting question but I don’t know if I can answer it as I can’t speak for other women only myself… There’s a comment above from Soda speculating that it may be that women who lose interest in this way were raised in a context in which they are encouraged to think of sex as something they do for the benefit of men, linking in with the whole slut stigma. That seems like a credible explanation to me, but I wouldn’t know because I’ve never felt this way. My husband has never cajoled or coaxed me into anything and I find the comment above from a guy about BJs being a ‘duty’ as alien, I would find that attitude a complete turn off.

        From my own perspective I enjoy giving a loving sensual BJ, there’s a connection and closeness in the intimacy in the act and it feels great to give him pleasure, it’s erotic and arousing to me. In our culture porn and sexual images largely focus on women’s’ bodies (which would feed into the ‘benefit of men’ idea) but rarely on men’s, but that area of a man’s body is beautiful to me and a BJ seems a natural expression of that.

        • Thanks to nonplussed and Camille below for your responses.
          Nonplussed, your comments were really insightful.

          Non you said:
          “There’s a comment above from Soda speculating that it may be that women who lose interest in this way were raised in a context in which they are encouraged to think of sex as something they do for the benefit of men, linking in with the whole slut stigma.”

          I find this comment really insightful. I would add to this that if a woman (who was raised to believe that sex was for men) were to begin over-riding this conditioning and start feeling like they enjoyed sex, they would feel that something was wrong with them, and do whatever they had to internally, emotionally, perspectively to change that.

          You would think that “sex is for men” women would be the primary giver of bj’s–they would just be extracting their pound of flesh for it from chores to lambourghini’s.

          Isn’t it ironic that the women giving unilateral pleasure to men w/out anticipated reciprocation are the women who are embracing the idea that *sex is for themselves*? You’d think that women who embraced the idea that sex was for themselves would be all about their own pleasure.

          Lots of this stuff is very counter-intuitive.

          • Camille Crimson says:

            That’s a really interesting way of thinking about it. Essentially, sex shouldn’t be transactional… It should be about finding a way to enjoy as much as you can.

          • Thanks for your kind words John D, your comments have been insightful too.

            I understand the logic of a pound of flesh trade off such as you describe, I think in that scenario in the initial stages a woman would do whatever it took sexually to get her man but then her interest would decline once she had him/what she wanted. Like the old joke “Why does the bride always smile? She’s given her last BJ…” (that joke is counter-intuitive to me!) Perhaps it does happen that way in some relationships, sad to think so.

            I can see why you think it’s counter-intuitive that women who think that *sex is for themselves* enjoy giving a BJ but direct you to Camille’s article where she challenges the notion of a ‘one way act’ and describes the pleasure that can be derived from giving pleasure. It’s not so strange, men can (in my experience) be aroused by giving their wife pleasure (even when their penis isn’t involved). My feelings are that sex can be a wonderful unifying part of a relationship if both parties want the pleasure of their partner they will find it for themselves.

        • If a woman is going to enjoy giving a BJ, she has to be aroused by the idea of it. Some women are grossed out by it, some have negative associations with the act because they think it’s something only slutty women and hookers do, some are turned off by the degrading associations or fear that men like it because it puts the woman in a subservient or degrading role. Some may have had bad experiences with men who treated it as the woman’s “duty.” some feel anxious about their technique or fear they are doing it wrong. Some may be afraid that they will accidentally hurt you. I think most women have to learn to enjoy giving BJ’s. It doesn’t come. Aurally. But I’d say women who are very comfortable with their sexuality will enjoy it more than others.

          My advice then is to help your partner be comfortable. Make sure things are always clean and pleasant down there (good advice for women too!) Tell her how much you love it because of the amazing physical sensations. Give her a lot of positive feedback. Tell her how turned on you are. If she’s not doing it “right” then gently describe what you DO like, don’t just criticize. Don’t expect it from her as a a duty or obligation. Make sure she is satisfied too. Maybe give her an orgasm first. Have a towel handy before you start. Don’t pressure her to swallow if she doesn’t want to. If swallowing would turn you on, tell her you thInk it would be really hot and that you’d find it exciting, don’t shame her for feeling queasy about it. (It is difficult, initially, to think of semen as being edible, so the body rebels just as it would if you got soap or something else you think is inedible in your mouth. spitting it out is just a reflex.) After you finish, tell her she did an amazing job. never, ever act disappointed with her technique. Instead, use positive statements like “I love it when you do X”. Say things like “I love how you love giving me blowjobs, you are so hot!” — even if she doesn’t seem to love it, it will help her feel like she WANTS to love it, and that’s half the battle.

      • Camille Crimson says:

        I think you’ll find that women who identify as very open and sexually adventurous are more likely to enjoy giving blowjobs, or at least understanding them as an important part of a give and take relationship. Of course, you still need to find out how sexual the woman is in the first place… Maybe that’s a case for online dating.

  16. I think some people are over complicating this….

    • Camille Crimson says:

      Kind of, but then again, human sexuality and expectations are always complex.

      • Are they really? I recall that you were upset with the way the popular porn industry portrays bj’s. While I understand why you’re upset, I hope that you understand that it’s popular for a reason. And those girls are being coached, by men, on their fellatio technique.

        • Camille Crimson says:

          I didn’t say I was upset by it. I’m upset by there being one dominant way of them being portrayed and very little else. Diversity in porn is key.

  17. I always wondered if I gave a good BJ or not, after all men never taught me and I had to rely on a porn movie to see how it was done.

    And then I found this magical book Sex tips for straight women from a gay man – Dan Anderson

    OMG! Now that’s how to give a grrrreeaaattt BJ – just ask the men I made so happy :-))))

    • Camille Crimson says:

      That sounds so great! I can imagine that someone who gets blowjobs and loves giving them would be one of the ultimate teachers.

  18. How wonderfully enlightening. So many men are complaining of not getting head. These men are the ones who fail to realize that knowing how to receive a BJ is the ultimate difference between those who get plenty. It is a gift to be appreciated

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