Although being a highly sensitive person is equally common among women and men, being a sensitive man remains misunderstood.
Editor’s Note: Research tells us that high sensitivity, discerned from a pattern of observation before action, affects 15-20% of individuals of many species, including humans, and male and female in equal numbers. Rick Belden, a poet, writes about the experience of being a highly sensitive person.
A few years ago, I was attempting to get closer with a woman I liked. We’d been working together for several years and knew one another solely on that basis, but I wanted something more personal with her. I’d been feeling a powerful sexual and romantic attraction to her for a long time, but given our relationship as peers in a work environment, I was being very deliberate in my attempts to gauge her interest in me and careful in my efforts to move things forward. When I’m attracted to someone, I tend to move slowly and gradually anyway; in this case, having lived through my share of work-related romantic entanglements, rejections, and disasters, I was eager to avoid any situation that might turn awkward for either of us.
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I remained haunted by the same dilemma that had plagued me since childhood: How can I be as sensitive as I am and still be a man?
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Things seemed to be progressing in the direction I desired, albeit slowly and with frequent yellow flags, but nevertheless, I finally felt confident enough to share something more personal with her than our daily chitchat about our lives in and out of work. She knew I was a writer and that I’d had a book of poetry published because I’d spoken about it during our many visits. I decided to offer it to her and find out if she was interested enough in me to read it. I asked her if she might like to see the book, and she said she would, so I brought a copy to work and gave it to her.
I didn’t want to appear too eager or overly invested in her opinion of the book, so I didn’t bring it up again after giving it to her. One day, while we were outside walking during a break, she mentioned she’d finished reading it. Doing my best to appear as cool as possible and not betray the anxiety that had been building ever since I’d first offered her the book, I said, “Great. What did you think?” And she said:
“I think you’re abnormally sensitive for a man.”
Obviously, this was not the sort of response I was hoping to hear. It’s not the sort of response any man ever wants to hear, any time, from anyone, most certainly not from a woman to whom he’s attracted and with whom he’s just taken the supreme risk of showing his vulnerable side.
It was a painful experience for me, to be sure, but not the first. I’ve heard variations on this theme all my life:
- “Don’t be so sensitive.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You need to stop being so sensitive.”
Shy. Thin-skinned. Wimp. Pussy. Queer. Faggot. Whiner. I’ve heard all of these and more for as long as I can remember, and the message is always crystal clear: “There’s something wrong with you and you need to change it.” As if I haven’t tried. As if I could.
Sensitive boys and men are all too often treated as pariahs in a tough guy culture. Sensitive boys in particular are easy prey for bullies, whether they’re peers, older kids, or adults in positions of power and authority like parents, teachers, and coaches. I was humiliated countless times as a boy for my sensitivity, by both adults and other children. I learned to regard it as my enemy, as something that only brought me shame and scorn, and as something to keep hidden away, not only from others, but from myself.
It was simply too dangerous to my well-being to allow my sensitivity out into the open any more than I had to, so I tried to harden myself up. I got fairly good at it over time, good enough to survive through adolescence and into young adulthood, but I felt lost most of the time, and I was. That’s the inevitable price of denying any core element of who we are.
I continued to maintain an uneasy relationship with my natural sensitivity through my twenties and thirties. During that time, I was gradually transitioning into feeling a bit more comfortable with it because I’d learned that trying to deny it completely only made me sick and miserable. But I still carried the shame and the stigma of feeling and being seen as somehow “defective” as a man because of it, and I was still disowning a large part of myself and my experience as a result. I was also still being reminded by others that I was not okay the way I was and needed to change, as in this statement from a close friend after I’d confided in him regarding a problem I was having:
“You need to stop being so sensitive. I’m not judging you, but sometimes I just want to shake you and tell you to get over it.”
Same old message: You’re wrong. You’re defective. You’re weak. You’re inadequate. Youneed to change. You need to get over it. At least he didn’t actually shake me to help me do that. Prior experience with that sort of “help” from others tells me it doesn’t work at all.
That incident was a pretty good example of the state of my relationship with my own sensitivity as I moved into my early forties. I’d made a lot of progress toward reconciling with the softer, vulnerable, more tender parts of myself, and I was even beginning to feel more confident in giving them a voice, but I was also reminded on a regular basis that I was still just as likely to be scorned and shamed for my sensitivity as I was to be accepted and supported. Deep inside, I still felt like an outcast and a freak in a culture that defines and characterizes tenderness, compassion, and sensitivity as primarily feminine qualities. And I remained haunted by the same dilemma that had plagued me since childhood: How can I be as sensitive as I am and still be a man?
It was during that time that, quite by accident, I stumbled across some material that profoundly changed the way I saw myself and what I’d come to regard as my “curse” of sensitivity. I was in a bookstore looking for something (I don’t even remember what) when a title caught my eye: The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. I’d never heard of this book or seen anything like it, but when I began to page through it, I knew I had to have it because this book was about me.
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Most men are not highly sensitive, but many men are far more sensitive than they want anyone else to know.
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For the first time, someone was describing my inherent sensitivity as a positive trait rather than some sort of shameful aberration to be corrected. Furthermore, the author, Elaine Aron, described the experience of what she called a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) as the natural, inevitable result of having a nervous system that is, as she has put it, “uncommonly sensitive.” In other words, the sensitivity with which I’d been struggling throughout my life wasn’t all in my head, it wasn’t a weakness, and it wasn’t a choice. It was rooted in my physiology.
There was something else, too, something equally big, as summarized by Peter Messerschmidt in his blog post “The Challenges of the Highly Sensitive Man”:
Dr. Elaine Aron, along with other researchers studying the trait of high sensitivity, often cites the statistic that approximately 15-20% of the population fits the definition of a “highly sensitive person.” Furthermore, the indications are that equal numbers of men and women are highly sensitive.
This was more than an eye-opener for me. It was a game-changer. For the first time, someone was telling me that I could be not just merely sensitive, but highly sensitive, and still be a man. This was a possibility that had never been presented to me before, not in person and certainly not in the culture at large, and it was the first step in beginning to own my sensitivity, not just as a valuable element but a defining element of my masculine identity.
The path is still not easy. It’s an ongoing challenge to see my sensitivity as an asset rather than a weakness to be feared and hidden from others. Men and boys are already living in a no-win, double bind situation around vulnerability; it is amplified for highly sensitive men and boys. If most men lead lives of quiet desperation, they also know that society and most of the people around them prefer they keep it that way. A man or boy who shows sensitivity and expresses vulnerability is always taking a risk. Shame and scorn, whether from other males or from females, remain some of the most powerful tools for keeping men and boys “in line.” Most men are not highly sensitive, but many men are far more sensitive than they want anyone else to know.
For men like me who are highly sensitive, being who we are in the world, in our relationships, and even with ourselves is often a work in progress. We tend to need more down time than others. We have deep experiences that we need to process and understand. We need to make time and space for feelings that we may have never learned to experience and express because we were never allowed to do so. We receive and process more sensory input than most others do; consequently, we can sometimes find ourselves feeling overwhelmed in contexts that others find routine. We tend to proceed carefully, to get a sense and an understanding of the whole situation, before diving in.
These behaviors and qualities are all assets, but they frequently run counter to the values and practices of an overstimulated, Type A, 24/7 culture that wants more and more, faster and faster, all the time. This is a fundamental conflict that has a profound and often severely negative impact on all HSPs, whether male or female, and results in a lot of pain, confusion, and even physical illness. I’ve learned the hard way, as many others have, that pushing yourself “like everyone else does” when you’re a Highly Sensitive Person is like pounding nails with a microscope.
In another blog post titled “Highly Sensitive Men: The ‘Hidden’ HSPs?”, Peter Messerschmidt writes, “Society has an alarming ability to ‘steal the souls’ of Highly Sensitive Men, leaving them feeling sad and confused.” This is an experience and an ongoing struggle I know all too well. I still want to hide my sensitivity a lot of the time, and I still do. Sometimes that’s because of old fears and conditioning; sometimes it’s simple pragmatism. I know I can still be deeply wounded if I’m not careful and therefore I try to choose my opportunities accordingly. Sometimes I still get hurt when I’m open with others about who I am and what I feel (as with the female coworker I liked and the friend in whom I confided). Sometimes my feelings are so deep and acute that I can hardly bear them in private. I probably struggle as much with my feelings in private as I do when I’m with anyone else. The shame and the scorn I’ve experienced throughout my life in response to my sensitivity has been internalized deep within. I don’t need anyone else to criticize and belittle me for it now; those voices are already right here inside me.
In his article “Healing the Highly Sensitive Male”, Ted Zeff, author of The Strong, Sensitive Boy, has written, “By disowning their sensitive side, many males become half a person.” Having spent most of my life living that way, I know it’s true. I also know that, whether I allow or disallow my natural sensitivity, there’s a cost to be paid, and likely some very real pain to be felt either way, and I often stumble in the face of that choice. I still frequently feel angry when I’m actually sad because it feels safer, more manly. I still frequently pull away from others and shut down when what I really want is to connect and feel close, because I don’t have the courage or the stomach to risk the sting of being rejected or misunderstood. I still pull away from myself, most of all, because of the stigma and the fear that’s been conditioned into me, and the absence of skills never learned for being with everything I perceive, sense, and feel.
No one likes pain, and I’m no exception, but I’ve slowly come around to the belief that the pain of feeling is preferable to the pain of not feeling, and that the pain of being who I am is preferable to the pain of being what I’m not. As author Seth Mullins has written, “Sensitivity—even when it comes at the cost of great suffering – may be all that renders worth to existence in the end.” I think one of the important points he makes with that statement is that sensitivity is not the absence of toughness, but is, in many ways, the very embodiment of toughness. It takes a great deal of inner strength and resiliency to maintain your sensitivity in a world that seems to go out of its way to beat it out of you, often literally. If that’s not a demonstration of strength, courage, and resolve consistent with any reasonable definition of masculinity, I don’t know what is.
So yes, I’ll say it: I am a Highly Sensitive Man. I’m not abnormal. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not a weakling, a wimp, or a pussy. I’m strong, passionate, and courageous. I’ll fight for what’s important to me. And I’m just as tough as any other man. I have to be, just to be who I am in a world that wants me to be something else.
And I am not alone. There are many of us. As many as one in five men, if the numbers are correct. Think about that. You know many of us. You may be one of us. Some of us are hiding. Some of us are hurting. Many of us, young and old, boys and men, are still trying to find our place in a world that is often openly hostile to our very natures. But look at that world, and try to imagine what it would be like without us. We may be scorned, shamed, invisible, and undervalued, but we are here and we are needed.
I am a Highly Sensitive Man and this world needs me, just as it needs all of its highly sensitive men and boys. Every one of us. No exceptions!
I am a Highly Sensitive Man by Rick Belden, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Read more:
Smashing Male Stereotypes on The Good Life
Image credit: WarmSleepy/Flickr
About Rick Belden
Wow, lots of community. I think I’m an HSP as well, and an extrovert, so I’m not even a normal HSP! Anyway, it’s great to see the outpouring of talk and interest here among and for our fellow HSP men, I’m thinking there might be interest in starting a community of some sort, perhaps a LinkedIn group or a forum of some sort where we can share ideas and talk in the emotional language that means so much to us. So, guys, would you be interested enough to join and use such a forum?
DK
Thank you, David, for reading and commenting. With regard to your idea about a group or forum for HSP men, it may be worthwhile to contact Peter Messerschmidt, one of the fellows I quoted in the post, to find out if there might already be something happening along those lines so you’re not trying to reinvent the wheel. If you follow the link for “Highly Sensitive Men: The ‘Hidden’ HSPs?” in my article, you’ll find a link to an “About Me” page for Peter where his email addy is listed.
You might also run your idea past Ted Zeff as he may also have some info about what others are doing. His website is easy to find via Google and you’ll find his contact info there.
Of course, if you want to start your own thing from scratch there’s nothing wrong with that either. Good luck!
Dear Rick,
Thank you for a beautifully written article and a powerful message.
I’m a Highly Sensitive Man and after discovering the research of Elaine Aron 6 years ago, have been on a strong journey which I would not be able to capture through words. I’m now about to launch my website: “sensitivesanctuary’ where I’ll be offering mentoring/coaching, Yoga and relaxation, and more, for highly sensitive people. A colleague and wonderful person, Barbara Allen-Williams, based like me in the UK, created the NCHS, National Centre For High Sensitivity. It is accessible through meetup only at present but the NCHS will have its own website in a couple of months. Why I do this? You put it perfectly in your article: “I am a Highly Sensitive Man and this world needs me, just as it needs all of its highly sensitive men and boys. Every one of us. No exceptions!”.
Thank you for having the toughness to be you.
Kind wishes
Christophe
Thank you, Christophe. I wish you the best in your upcoming work and website. Really great to see these new resources coming online for HSPs. Please let me know (via Contact page on my website) when your new site and the new NCHS are up so I can have a look.
Thanks for such a stimulating and informative article. One challenge for us sensitive men has been self esteem. Research by Dr. Ted Zeff on sensitive boys in various countries indicated they “usually” or “always” thought there was something wrong with them during their childhood, and didn’t fit in with other boys. From my post Ted Zeff on highly sensitive boys and men – which includes a link at the bottom to our audio interview: Dr. Ted Zeff on how people can benefit from being highly sensitive.
http://highlysensitive.org/371/ted-zeff-on-highly-sensitive-boys-and-men/
Great points, Douglas. Thank you for sharing the link for the interview with Dr. Zeff. I’ve just watched it and I’d recommend it highly for anyone who found my post useful and would like more info.
What a great article! I already receive a lot of negativity for being a highly sensitive person as a woman (I’m so sick of being told to “stop being so sensitive” and to “lighten up” and being made to feel like I have a defect and that my feelings are wrong), so I can only imagine how much tougher it is for highly sensitive men.
Good- as I noted before in my previous post- we as male HSPs are NOT alone(Abe Lincoln, FDR, possibly Barack Obama, Blessed John Paul II, Pope Benedict XVI, actor Christopher Walken all spring to mind) and expecting HSFs ( Highly Sensitive Females) such as singer Gwen Stefani and actress Drew Barrymore to “do all the heavy lifting” is unrealistic and cruel!
Terry
Rick,
I thought you should know, your article changed my life.
I’d been exposed to the HSP idea before, and the book had sat on my shelf, and I did nothing with it for 2 years.
Now I’ve come across understanding again, and delved into it, and it explains myself to me.
No longer must I be victim and prey to allowing people who are unlike me to take advantage of me. Before I didnt know my boundaries, or my needs around boundaries, because I didn’t “get” who and what I am.
now that I see it and know it, I’m not at conflict with it, and i can take care of myself around it effectively.
I’m Really looking forward to thrive.
Thank you so much for posting this article. I especially was taken by the photo that accompanies the article. That drew me in in some mysterious way. Good choice.
Jeff
Wow, Jeff. I’m really touched by your comment. That’s about the best response I could ever receive from anyone to anything I could ever write, or do. I’m very pleased that you found my article helpful and very honored by your comment. Congratulations on coming back home to yourself and best of luck to you going forward.
So nice to hear your response Rick
If you find me on FB @ Rothington, you can read my further elaboration. Please do
Many blessings,
Jeff
Jeff, I can’t find you on FB. Please feel free to send me the link via the Contact page on my website as listed in my author profile (“About Rick Belden”) above.
Rick,
Thank you for your courage to write about an important topic that really resonates with me. While I still struggle with being hurt constantly because of my sensitivity, I have now embraced my sensitivity as a great asset which has served me well as I have responded to the hurts and needs of others.
take care,
Frank
You’re welcome, Frank. I appreciate the honesty of your comment and I’m familiar with the struggle of which you speak. The fact that you’re learning to take ownership of your sensitivity and express it in your life in meaningful ways is very positive for you and everyone around you. A man in full possession of his own innate sensitivity can be a powerful force of healing in the world. Well done and best of luck to you going forward.
Hi, Rick
Thank you for your inner work and for putting such a strong example of sensitive empowerment up on the Web for all to see. This usefully powerful nugget from your article gets at the heart of things: “… the pain of being who I am is preferable to the pain of being what I’m not.” One of the factors I’ve seen make a huge difference in the lives of HSPs (male and female) is finding a supportive HSP community. I admire your courage for owning up and speaking up.
Grace Kerina
Highly Sensitive Power – http://www.highlysensitivepower.com
Thank you, Grace. One of the unexpected side benefits of having this post published has been becoming aware of resources for HSPs on the web, such as your site, that I’d never seen before. It appears that the HSP community is not only bigger than I’d realized, but also growing as more and more folks come to recognize themselves as highly sensitive and seek opportunities to learn more about what that means for themselves and others. I find this very encouraging and feel honored to be a part of it.
Thanks for writing this. I’ve always felt like I am an extreme minority. It was very nice to hear how someone shares the exact same feelings I do. When you were describing how you feel, how situations can be difficult, how you perceive things as more profound and/or deep than others, etc., this could have been written by me. Thanks again.
You’re very welcome, Matthew. I’m glad you found what I wrote helpful. You’re not alone in your experience. Far from it.
I’m surprised this topic hasn’t been raided by Jack Donovan and his followers like Sun, wielding and waving their plastic Conan swords.
Thank you for this article. I have not heard the term Highly Sensitive Person until now, and it describes my son to a T. He is now in middle school and being more sensitive is becoming more difficult for him. Middle school is tough for anyone, but being a sensitive boy is especially hard. As a single mother, I have worried that his sensitivity was because of something I was doing. This article is a relief for me: being sensitive is who he is and not because of our family structure or anything I may’ve done “wrong” raising him. I’ll look into your resources and share some with him as well. I’m sure it will be good for him to know that there are other boys like him.
Hi CJ. Thank you for your lovely comment. I remember those middle school years as being particularly tough and confusing. Not an easy time for a sensitive boy, as you said. I hope having some additional information will help you and your son navigate that period a bit more easily.
If you’d like to check out some other resources in addition to the ones I cited in my post, here are links to a couple of brief interviews with Ted Zeff that you may find useful:
Audio (30 mins): http://www.facebook.com/rickbeldenpoet/posts/342037982556434
Video (15 mins): http://www.facebook.com/rickbeldenpoet/posts/130599670428588
Best of luck going forward to both you and your boy.
Hi Rick, great article. I am a HSP on another level in the Empath category and I have a HSP son, who’s father couldn’t be more opposite. It can be a struggle in our household to show the extremely NON HSP parent that our sons sensitivity doesn’t make him less of a boy. I did not realize there was a book for sensitive boys so I will be buying that and getting both of us to read it. It is hard enough being a female HSP I couldn’t imagine how challenging it is to be male and I want to support my son in every way I can.
Regards and Respects, Melanie
Dear Melanie, I don’t see how hard it can be being a HSP female( lathough I am not disputing that being a HSP of EITHER sex can be a trying matter), esp considering that society expects women( musician Gwen Stefani, actress Drew Barrymore) to be MORE sensitive than men anyway!
Terry I am speaking from my own very personal experience of that I have found it hard to be an Empath, Which is another level to being a HSP. An Empath feels what other people feel as if it were their very own feelings….that can be extremely challenging trying to decifer whose feelings are what and which ones are mine and what I need to do about it. I certainly did not expect to come on here and find someone commenting on my post that I shouldn’t find it hard? I do find it hard. Very hard. And I am a woman. There is no monopoly of ‘difficult’ with the sexes, it is what it is.
Dear Melanie
I apologize if I gave the impression that I was “blowing off” your experience just because “she’s a woman”- my point was that being both male and HSP can b even more burdensome for a boy(as your son is/will find out when he grows older) than it can be for a woman or girl. In my OP I noted that it is important for HSP men to realize that we are NOT alone citing such examples asPresidents Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt(and possibly Barack Obama as well), Blessed John Paul and Benedict XVI(Vatican insiders often note even after acceding to the Papacy how reserved and shy, almost timid Benedict’s demeanor is)
Hi Melanie. Thank you for reading and for your comment. I hope the resources I cited in my post give you some help with both your son and his father. I can see how it could be very hard for a dad who is not an HSP to understand a son who is. You might also check the links I provided in response to the comment preceding yours for brief audio and video interviews with Ted Zeff that would give you some additional info while you’re waiting to get his book.
I understand completely how being a female HSP can be hard. As I said in my post, being HSP in an overstimulated, Type A, 24/7 culture presents challenges whether one is male or female. The socialization bias against sensitivity in boys and men adds several more layers or levels of difficulty that HSP girls and women typically don’t have to experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy ride for them either.
Thanks Rick, I will be gathering as much information and knowledge around me as I can. Keep up the messagexx
Being an empath is a blessing and a curse. It makes me really good at my job, Executive Coach, but often I find I’m all wound up with emotion, and it’s not even my own, and being in conflict is awful, I feel all of my own charged feelings, and the other person’s too. Sometimes it blows my circuits.
Dave
As a young 23 year old guy reading this article was a revelation. I’ve had therapy due to anxiety and depression – the turning point for me was when my therapist said “you have a deep and powerful sensitivity, and i want you to know that it is a beautiful gift”. Since then i have explored the ideas of high sensitivity – and i feel that my previous lack of understanding that our sensitivity needs to be cherished is what caused me so much anxiety.
- The amount of good this article does for someone like me is literally boundless.
Thank You.
P/S – I would be very interested in joining any social networking for highly sensitive men if you have any information
Thank you, Chris, for reading and sharing your story. I’m pleased to know you found my article so useful and glad you found an ally who helped you open your eyes to the value and validity of being highly sensitive as a man.
I’m also happy to see that you’re looking to make connections with other men who are highly sensitive. That’s a smart way to support yourself.
We’re still in the very early stages with regard to social networking for Highly Sensitive Men, which isn’t too surprising given the still relatively low level of awareness and acceptance of the HSP trait in the general population and specifically in men. However, I can give you a few references that may give you some useful starting points:
* Follow Peter Messerschmidt and read everything you can from him on HSP topics. On Twitter at https://twitter.com/Denmarkguy.
* Explore Ted Zeff’s website at http://drtedzeff.com. Links for Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and his quarterly newsletter.
* Caroline van Kimmenade is a rising star in the HSP world. While not specifically tailored for men, her work is of such high quality and so generally applicable for HSPs, regardless of gender, that I’m recommending it to everyone I can. On Twitter at https://twitter.com/IDSensitivity.
* I’m in the process of building a reference list for HSPs on Twitter that may be useful to you as well. You can find it at https://twitter.com/rickbelden/hsp-info-and-insights.
Being a Highly Sensitive Man in our culture at this time also means being an explorer and a pathfinder. Although there are a lot of us, we’re largely isolated from one another as well as, all too often, from ourselves. As we come into greater self-awareness, it’s only natural that we’ll want to seek out others who experience life in similar ways.
I don’t know that the sort of social networking you have in mind for Highly Sensitive Men exists yet, so all I can give you (as above) is bits and pieces. I think those bits and pieces are in the process of forming themselves into something more coherent, but we’re not there yet. If what you’re looking for, in terms of social networking for Highly Sensitive Men, doesn’t exist, perhaps you can help create it. Maybe you’ll be one of the folks who helps pull things together at the next level.
All the best to you going forward.
Rick – Thank you for your kind words and extensive response to my comment!
I will definitely follow up on those references you’ve provided.
Once i feel that sensitivity is truly a valid trait for me i feel compelled to gently inform others of life as a HSP.
- I’m in the early stages of setting up a kind of awareness and support group at the University of London – i’m somewhat pensive in this, because as you say awareness and acceptance of HSP traits are subject to certain kinds of stigma.
Thanks again
Chris, as you are in London, I would further suggest that you check out the work being done by Barbara Allen-Willia, who is also in the UK (Andover). You can find her on Twitter at https://twitter.com/HSPSENSITIVE. She also has a Meetup page for Highly Sensitive Men at http://www.meetup.com/Growing-Unlimited-Hampshire-HSPs/events/83123172, as well as a new website at http://www.hspsensitive.com. She may be a good source of info and assistance for you with regard to the group you’re starting as well as with your personal process.
Christophe Declerck, who left a comment earlier on this article, is also in the UK. You might check his comment for info about his activities as well.
Something more local – thats excellent, thanks.
Hi Chris & Rick,
Two more HSP men on social media that came to mind for me:
Cliff Harwin from the Highly Sensitive Publishing Company:
On FB: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Highly-Sensitive-Person-Publishing-Company/218089290709?ref=ts&fref=ts
Website: http://www.thehighlysensitiveperson.com/
And Michael Smith from the empath connection:
FB: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Empath-Connection/134926033194344?ref=ts&fref=ts
Website: http://www.empathconnection.com/
I know Cliff has extensive experience hosting HSP meetup groups, so he’d be a good person to ask about that.
Yet another possible resource for you, Chris: http://www.highlysensitivemen.com.
There is an introductory video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2fysxbyT6o) as well as a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/highlysensitivemen) associated with the site.
One more reference: Douglas Eby has a very active Facebook page for HSPs at https://www.facebook.com/HighlySensitive that’ll probably provide you with a doorway into even more connections and resources.
Rick & Caroline – Thanks so much for providing these resources. As i’m sure you have experienced and can relate to, this is a life changing moment for me. And its truly touching for you to take the time to guide me in this with your knowledge and compassion.
Chris, first off let me say that it makes me really happy to read of another man who’s learning about and embracing their sensitivity– and at age 23. I started down this journey of exploration at age 36, and cannot even imagine how my life might have turned out, had I “known” much sooner; so good for you!
Much excellent advice has already been shared here, along with good resources. I’ll echo Rick in suggesting the best thing you can do for yourself at this time is learn through following the handful of fairly prominent HS Men who publish on the web, on a regular basis. When you feel so moved, be active in comments and feedback, where possible.
To my knowledge, there is not a specific group for HS Men (online or off) at this point. Perhaps this will change, in time. A friend and I considered starting one a few years back, but there are some special challenges involved– namely that in order for the group to have value as a safe forum for true deep dialogue and healing (as opposed to being a superficial social venue) for HS Men, it needs to be more or less “secret and invisible” in today’s social climate… which makes publicizing it rather difficult. In addition, membership controls would need to be fairly strict… in order for HS Men to truly feel comfortable and speak out on their true ambitions, fears and concerns, there could be no “curiosity seekers” or trolls of ANY kind. As the world warms more to the idea of HS men, these challenges dimninish… but we have a long road ahead.
Cheers,
Peter
Hi Peter, thanks so much for your message. Really its just great to know that there are other people like myself out there, and i’m so happy that you feel compelled to contact me.
Rick provided me with a link to a ‘meet up’ group near where i live, where the members (mostly women) and some men seem to really embrace being highly sensitive people. I’m hoping to meet them on Saturday. I feel slightly overwhelmed and anxious about this, but it feels like a very positive step to take.
I understand what you mean about needing a safe space for deep dialogue and healing – especially in terms of opening up to ourselves and others in that space.
I’m currently linking this article to a close friend, who i feel will truly benefit from it, and hopefully get to know me better through it. Other than what i’ve mentioned i’m not sure what else to do – maybe nothing at this time. This is a very complicated, interesting and curious time for me, which of course i know you can relate to
Cheers,
Chris
Chris, I’m really happy to see that the HSP Meetup group I suggested is close enough for you to attend. I hope you find it useful. Most of all, I hope you’ll continue to progress at a rate that feels safe, productive, and comfortable for you, with confidence that the process of growth and discovery in which you’re now engaged will unfold in its own time as you’re ready for more.
Congratulations on taking first steps and best of luck to you going forward.
Rick, I hope you don’t mind me sharing but I’m having a free webinar with Dr. Ted Zeff on Tuesday, January 22nd at 9:00pm Est to talk about how to help highly sensitive boys. http://marierokerjones.enterthemeeting.com/m/3F96RY7A
Don’t mind at all, Marie! I’m glad to know about it and will be happy to share the link with others I know. Thank you.
Can one be highly sensitive, perceive deeply, and yet not be frequently upset, annoyed, sad?
Perception is different from action.
I have a relation who is, or thinks she needs to be, a highly sensitive person. If we’re driving someplace and she sees a dead squirrel by the road, she’ll emote for five miles. She can be struck by the tragedy of the dead squirrel without making a public show of it. Over and over and over. Please.
Strikes me that one can feel any number of things without broadcasting it. And if you broadcast vulnerability, well sometimes you look like what you look like. And there are people looking for the vulnerable.
Thank you for such an amazing and well-written blog. I am a Highly Sensitive woman and it has taken me 42 years to discover that fact.
You’re very welcome, Lisa. I’m glad you found my post useful. Congratulations on your discovery and best of luck to you as you move forward with new knowledge about yourself.
You write from the heart. Reading your article and the reaction of the female colleague in it puts me in mind of this quote by Pearl S Buck, (I suspect she was highly sensitive): “The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To them… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death”. (Pearl S. Buck). She won the Nobel prize for literature, as a highly sensitive person you are in good company
I hadn’t seen that quote before, Barbara. Thank you for sharing it.
It has been interesting to read the article and then the comments. I am 76 and forty years ago a friend who was a surgeon at a local hospital, told me he had been watching me for sometime. He asked me lots of questions and then told me I was an extremely sensitive person. I did not understand what that really meant, I was just me and knew no different.
However, this made sense in that as a salesman meeting many people a day, sensed so much just by shaking a hand. I knew instantly whether I was welcome or not wanted! I could put my hand on a door or window and feel if anyone was in a house, just by the tiny air pressure variations.
Like others, I have been told not to be so sensitive, so many times. But I found this sensitivity and reading other people so useful, and now in upper middle age (Hehehee!) I still do.
Of course, I have often felt upset by unthinking comments, or reading between the lines of what a person says or writes, just like us all in this category. I was particularly sensitive as a boy, but here I am at the other end of life- and safely out of the way of working environments!
I am glad to be different from the majority. I am glad to have this gift, although the “training period” in life was sometimes not so much fun. So I would say to others, make use of this gift, enjoy the knowledge it allows you and be happy that you are not like the majority, some of whom have no senses at all!
Thank you, Bryan, for sharing the fruits of your wisdom and experience with those of us who are younger. It’s wonderful to hear from a man who’s made his way through that “training period” you mentioned and taken ownership of his high sensitivity, his “gift” as you so aptly put it, in such a complete way and applied it so productively in his life. You are a good model for all Highly Sensitive Men and also a great example of an older man stepping forward to inform, inspire, and guide his younger counterparts. Outstanding!
Great Article my man. I was searching online trying to understand this “state” I’ve been going through and you’ve articulated it quite well. I’m glad there are people like you that aren’t afraid to express yourself otherwise I would’ve thought I was the only one experiencing this. Also, you’re also right about our culture being hardened and stuck in survival mode. What tips do you suggest on how I can not exhibit my sensitivity but fully experience them? The reality is that I am what I am and I want to express that bu It have to protect myself from people that are not like me. Thanks.
Thank you, Thomas. I’m very glad you’ve found this material helpful. Congratulations on taking some new steps toward greater self-recognition.
The question you’ve posed is a complicated one and one I’m still working on myself. My best suggestion to you at this point in your process is a general one: read and learn as much about being highly sensitive as you can. The best starting point I can offer in that regard is a new article called “HSP Topics: Understanding The Highly Sensitive Man” by Peter Messerschmidt. It is probably the most comprehensive treatment of the subject I’ve seen on the web so far and includes many references to other helpful sources of information.
There’s also a brand-new site just for Highly Sensitive Men (highlysensitivemen.com) that may have some additional information that would interest you.
Best of luck to you going forward.