Men’s stories of the too-good-to-be-true, sexy girlfriend who became unhinged are universal, and universally lacking in sympathy for the woman’s position.
Cali, Valle del Cauca, Colombia.
Here in Cali women are very beautiful. They seem to have a couple of advantages that I haven’t seen before that seem almost universal to the Calenas. From what I know about fitness and strength training, a female body is harder to manipulate than a male body. If a girl has heavy upper legs, small breasts, a flat butt, or not much waist, there is not too much she can do about it. Of course she can still be smart, pretty, and healthy. But here it seems that there are a lot of girls blessed with perfect genes for curviness, ideal fat distribution, and firmness.
It is impossible not to notice and it is impossible not to be fascinated. It is a common topic of conversation because it is just true and visible everywhere around you. The Netherlands are know for tulips, cheese, and weed, the USA is known for New York and hamburgers, and Cali is known for its beautiful women and salsa.
When guys talk about the girls they have encountered in their lives, because that is the inevitable turn the conversation will take here, sooner or later the ‘psycho bitch from hell’ pops up in a story. Every guy knows what this means. It is the girl that at first seemed too good to be true. Gorgeous, wild, fun, sexy, and seductive in the beginning, she turns out to be crazy, possessive, dark, unpredictable, and dramatic pretty quickly.
The psycho bitch from hell is a global and cross-cultural phenomenon. As far as I know she can be encountered in every country of the world and in many different social classes. It is not just Western men that know who I am talking about, she is also known to Asian men, South American, Arab and African men.
The usual way the story is told is by anecdotes of how long it took the guy to find out, the crazy things that happened in between, and the moment he got the hell out of there, sometimes followed by more stories of windows and windshields being smashed, physical attacks, or suicide threats.
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Any role is limiting per definition, but the expectations that are put on women cost more of her freedom and authenticity than the expectations put on men.
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In these stories, there is not much compassion for the girl.
Although I admit it is very difficult for a boyfriend to understand what is going on because it often happens to us when we are teenagers or in our twenties, when we are immature ourselves and the girl is unable to communicate what is really going on with her, I would like to try to share what I see.
It is hard being a woman. I think it is harder then being a man. This goes for every culture, but I think it is even more difficult in non-Western cultures. Both men and women are expected to live according their gender roles. Any role is limiting per definition, but the expectations that are put on women cost more of her freedom and authenticity than the expectations put on men. Most importantly, as men we are more or less allowed to be aggressive and angry from time to time. Women have to fit the role of obedient, sweet, caring, and serving. In an unjust world this can be incredibly frustrating, especially when the consensus inside a community is that it is okay to exploit these characteristics.
There is nothing outside of us. We don’t possess only a certain amount of human features: we each possess all of them. But we are expected to cultivate some and suppress others. We are not supposed to express the complete spectrum of our humanity. So we create a survival mechanism that serves us best: our identity, or our ego. With this mechanism we try to control our lives as best we can. We hide vulnerability, anger, fear, desire and many other aspects of ourselves. We are all looking for love, security and approval. As men, we can choose to blatantly pursue power and money to hopefully make us feel safe and loved. Many women, especially in more traditional cultures, don’t have that option.
So we are all caged, and the smaller and more debilitating our cage is, the more we suffer inside and the more we want to break free. We all create destructive mechanisms to escape the pressure of the expectations of culture, society and family. We drink, fuck, fight, achieve, hide, run, and perish.
I don’t know if the cage of the beautiful young woman is the most complicated one, but it is a difficult one to live in. Aside from all the expectations around being a ‘good girl,’ a ‘good daughter’ and a ‘good student,’ she learns that a certain behavior can offer a feeling of freedom and open all kinds of doors quickly. When she skillfully acts sexy, playful, and wild, she can get a lot of attention very fast. But it is a role that comes with a lot of norms, rules and restrictions. The love and the freedom she finds is artificial because it is not based on authenticity. Keeping the illusion alive is almost impossible. Sooner or later she succumbs to the pressure she puts on herself and she panics. But as her masks drops her identity is now at stake. It is a very scary and vulnerable feeling when we lose control over our self-image, especially if we believe we are completely dependent upon how we look and act to receive love and freedom. The pain, confusion, and fear come out as destructive and self-destructive behavior. Last night’s hot party girl has transformed into the psycho bitch from hell.
In many cultures, the position of the woman is not to be envied. She can be literally kicked out onto the street or locked inside the house when she doesn’t meet cultural, relational, or sexual expectations. This reality amplifies her fear. Her situation can become very unsafe for her very quickly. Reasons for panic can include another woman, a rival, and anything else that triggers a response.
Underneath all this is that most human beings don’t even have a notion of what a healthy personality structure is, let alone know how to create nurturing conditions for self and others. A psycho bitch from hell is just another lost and caged soul like the rest of us, maybe a bit more lost and caged than average. We all deserve to be free. Let’s be kind to each other.
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This post, and others in the Psycho Bitch from Hell series, has inspired Atalwin to create 2 Workshops in New York City around the themes of these articles. MORE INFORMATION HERE.
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Read more: Why Women Aren’t Crazy
This was previously published on Basic Goodness.
About Atalwin Pilon
Do they require a defense, I wonder, those psycho-bitches? And from what exactly?
I found an element profoundly missing in this article that talks about women traumatized and controlled by social restrictions and expectations, so much so that they lash out in pain. There is trauma there, yes, in the violent reaction, but there is also power which is not mentioned.
Funny thing about female power is that no one knows what it is anymore. Men have always been encouraged to be powerful. Force, anger, aggression are acceptable and often encouraged in men. It is not okay to bit up one’s wife, true, but it is okay to bit up a man who insults her, it is okay to bit up a rival. It is okay for men to be angry and aggressive, to attack others, to kill even – as long as it is “for the right reasons”.
But for women it is never okay, it’s never been okay. We were bred and conditioned for centuries to be submissive, sweet and loving. That was supposed to be our power. But that’s bullshit – women get angry just like med do. They react with aggression just like men do, but they can’t own it, they can’t admit it, so they can’t handle it. Women can’t handle their anger and men can’t handle women’s anger, and so when this anger shows up it is destructive and painful and scary for everyone.
So why is a psycho bitch a psycho? I have been called a psycho bitch times without count and every time a man called me that he seemed really scarred of me. He could not deal with my anger, it was too much for him, too intense, to powerful. He did not know what to do with this anger that was so out of place, so he called me crazy and run. I could not deal with my anger either, it was so wrong after all, so unacceptable, so unwomanly, so unnatural. If I was angry it could only be because I have lost my mind – a normal woman does not get angry after all…
So what would the psycho – bitch really need, I wonder? Understanding and compassion for her supposed mental issue, for her unnatural, unwomanly behavior? Maybe, or maybe an acknowledgment of her power from a man who is not scared of it. From a man who can face her in her anger without labeling it as crazy. That would help her face her anger knowing that it is accepted and received, not judged and condemned. Then she could own it, she could own her strength and her power and wield it responsibly without lashing out and hurting everyone.
Did you lash out at men verbally and/or physically?
Every-time I’ve thought of someone as a psycho bitch they have been lying, manipulative, abusive, violent. They may think that they were just simply showing anger but they don’t seem to realize that the anger they showed was not even acceptable for men, it’s not just gggrrr I’m angry but it’s anger that truly makes you fearful they will do something, women you fear will destroy your possessions, hell probably even take a knife to you. Luckily they’re incredibly rare in my life. Basic typical anger though doesn’t make me think of them as crazy but human, just if it gets too much then male or female I won’t want to be around them.
What I don’t agree with is conflating that type of “psycho bitch” with women who are acting outside of female gender roles as you say, it’s sad that people would call women like that psycho. But I do see where some will be called a bitch as some will think their behaviour is being confident n expressing their anger decently for instance, yet they’re acting like a bitch as in acting verbally aggressive n abusive, a mean spirit, basically acting like an asshole, jerk, take your pick of whatever label.
Then there is the crazy/psycho terms which often get applied to people who are being very visibly emotional but also acting irrationally. Only times I’ve thought of someone like that is when they have very flipflop behaviour, say one thing, do another, one day happy go lucky and positive n pleasant to be around, the next day they’re very negative n mean and can lash out with their tongue saying all kinds of horrible shit. I’ve only known a few people like that though luckily, I do my best to try understand them and I’ve even been a bit that way myself during a heavy depression but without so much of the flipflop behaviour which confuses me mostly. I think more commonly it’s probably applied to women who are acting hot n cold, I hear it from others mostly when they’re talking about a woman who has showed sexual interest in them and but does a hot, cold cycle that feels very manipulative. The quick changes between positive n negative behaviour will destroy trust, and these days I try to avoid people like that because I just can’t trust them to be decent friends.
All of these things are done by guys too, in my experience guys tend to be more openly aggressive but women on average tend to be more passive aggressive and I guess their aggression is different to what I’ve experienced mostly from men. I find I can spot bad guys easier than bad girls too which makes it more difficult, there are times when a person’s behaviour is so wtf out there that I am truly at a loss to understand why they behave like that.
See, that’s the thing with anger that is not allowed – one does not have a chance to learn how to express it in a productive, non – threatening manner. Women had little chance to learn how to be present with their anger, men had little chance to learn how to be present with female anger, so as soon as the anger comes up everyone freaks out, men and women alike, and of course everyone get’s hurt.
I am a bit less of a bitch these days not because my anger got successfully suppressed, but because I have learned to experience it, to be okay with it and to – most of all, see it as an expression of my strength, not a mental issue. Once I did that I was able to see the consequences of my anger, the fact that I am scarring people, and I could take responsibility for this.
So my point is – the anger comes from a place of power, it is the expression of anger that is traumatized and causes pain. Allowing the anger, making it okay for women to be angry, will help them be angry without getting all crazy in a process. I think.
Calling an angry woman a psycho-bitch is not allowing her to be angry.
I think generally no one is really allowed to show anger too much. Men will be thought of as violent, women will be thought of as psycho (which men are already thought of as default before anyone accuses sexism). I however allow and laugh at when my friends (both genders) get angry, it usually makes them laugh too as they laugh when I am angry too. It’s usually just a random fuck this, fuck that, rah rah rah rant which is funny to watch. I guess we found an acceptable way to be angry in a sense.
Not recently, no. Anger is not politically correct and, as with all not PC things, by trying to push them away and pretend they don’t exist we are missing the point. We see in anger only pain and destruction, but we don’t see the power there, the strength. Laughing anger off makes it cute and safe to deal with, but still does not acknowledge the power and the strength.
It is not “managing anger” that will transform the issue of violence, both against men and women, but becoming comfortable with anger, becoming present with anger.
Women who really even question the way they are being spoken to (or at) are called psycho for noticing. One does not have to go so far as to be an abuser or anything close; I’ve had people try to pull this crap with me because I’ve asked them to stop being offensive toward me, let me finish what I am saying, or be civil. And God forbid if you really do get mad… I think every woman who has ever been mad has probably heard this charge before, it is so terribly, terribly common. It is slander, and a way to shut down a conversation, a conversation which will probably shed light on something that the person being confronted does not want to change.
The sterotype just doesn’t exist to the same extent with men, though men are clearly not less violent than women (at least as much) They are actually also statistically more addicted and mentally ill. The point is not to say “men are bad” because they are “crazy” as well. It is more like, “Why does that comment not get said to men so frequently, when they are at least as crazy as women, on average?”
Women are told that if they don’t like someone’s disrespectful behavior, they’re “too sensitive”, “imagining” things, or being “crazy.” And chances are that if it is the type of men who would do objectionable things, it would not be beyond them to make excuses or slander the woman who has a complaint. There is generally no calm enough way to disagree. No “nice enough” way.
Women are talked over, told that they are too agressive if they hold forth in a conversation, it takes very little to be labeled as an “angry woman.” Gaslighting plays on this, and it is incredibly common.
““Why does that comment not get said to men so frequently, when they are at least as crazy as women, on average?””
Because they use different terms. Deranged, psychopath, insane, terms referring to the VIOLENTLY mentally ill. Women get terms relating to emotional instability, irrational thought, etc. Women = crying hysterial mess, men = violent psychotic killer in a most stereotypical fashion.
“Women are told that if they don’t like someone’s disrespectful behavior, they’re “too sensitive”, “imagining” things, or being “crazy.” And chances are that if it is the type of men who would do objectionable things, it would not be beyond them to make excuses or slander the woman who has a complaint. There is generally no calm enough way to disagree. No “nice enough” way.
Women are talked over, told that they are too agressive if they hold forth in a conversation, it takes very little to be labeled as an “angry woman.” Gaslighting plays on this, and it is incredibly common.”
Wanna know what else is very common? Reading too much into shit. It is actually quite common for me to hear SOME women (don’t think I hera it much from men but that might just be luck of the draw with who I know, I’m sure some men like this exist) where they will hear what I say and add on a heap of other stuff usually drawing from their insecurities and trying to take wild guesses and assuming I mean X, y, z, 1, 2, 3 when I only meant X. I’ve thought women like this were “crazy”, not actually mentally ill, but I was utterly dumbfounded by how they can even reach the conclusion they did because to me it makes absolutely no sense. I know PLENTY of other guys experience this and many do call women crazy over it, not to mention that there are women who do act irrationally compared to most of the population, who’s emotions are quite extreme, who when they express their upset emotions they aren’t just showing sadness n depression but violence, abusiveness, aggression. If I call a woman an “angry woman” it usually means she is acting VERY angry to the point a normal conversation doesn’t work, luckily I’ve known very few women like this but the example I will give was messaging hello to a friend who happened to be busy and being told to fuckoff over n over and a long rant about stuff that had zero relevance to me. She was angry, she lashed out.
When they say “imagining things” is it because the woman has told the man that HE is doing something and thinking something where she knows more than he does about his own damn thoughts an actions? Eg, guy looks at a girl, the gf says “Omg you wanna fuck her don’t you”, guy says “you’re imagining things”. She’s trying to push her insecurities onto him, they have misread his actions and she is trying to assert that her feelings are correct when they are wrong, he’ll probably try tell her that she is wrong because…you know…HE is the one that thinks them and knows his feelings a damn lot more than she could ever dream to.
Now I know what you say happens to “innocent” women, by that I mean the men are trying to silence the woman and she’s got every right to be pissed off but it also happens quite often with women who act quite irrationally which continues to reinforce the stereotype, that’s the problem. The bad behaviour that some do goes on to make it more difficult to interpret the behaviour of another person, eg the girl that said “Omg you wanna fuck her” may have been cheated on a few times and the simple act of looking at another woman can definitely appear like he wants another woman, just like a woman who is angry can appear to be an irrational bitch because of her vocal tones being similar to previous women the guy has known and the way she says stuff (eg exgeration type language “You ALWAYS do this” where he probably thinks she means always, where she just means it’s happened quite a few times).
People SHOULD try to find better ways to explain stuff, I have tried to learn better ways to say “you’re imagining things” by saying something like “I am unsure of why you think that but it wasn’t what I was thinking, what made you think I was thinking that?” and try to understand why it happened to avoid it later on reoccuring. Seeing as the genders in general speak and act differently there are a huge amount of communication problems going on, and the acceptable ways to show emotion for instance looks strange to the other. Eg a guy is upset, hits a punching bag, she might think he is being violent, aggressive n angry and thinking negatively about that, whilst if she cries easily and openly shows emotions men are not used to seeing then he might think she is being too sensitive. I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen women refer to men as violent aggressive cavemen/neanderthals and men refer to women as emotionally unstable crazy bitches yet both cop those terms n others for showing emotions in a manner that the person is not use to, but also because sometimes some of those men and women truly are acting like bitches or abusive cavemen.
I hear what you’re saying, and want to add that as a man, my anger is not acceptable. In fact, it became more threatening to those around me when I transitioned from living as a woman to living as a man.
Indeed. I’m not sure why there is so much discussion on women’s anger not being seen as acceptable when it’s not acceptable for men, just expected (because men are seen as angry violent people and women seen as gentle angels). I’ve never had my anger seen as acceptable except with a few friends who laugh at me breaking shit I just built that fucked up and they laugh at women angry too, just as I do, unless it’s anger directed with violence in which case it’s time to GTFO and seek safety. But in general, I can’t go yelling at people down the street with anger, cops will be there quicksmart to issue a warning or throw me in lockup. Why do so many women expect their anger to automatically be accepted if men’s is not? Maybe we all need to work towards making acceptable ways to show anger accepted in society.
I’m not trying to one up your anything but let me add that when you are the trifecta of being large, black, and male you’d be surprised just how the world treats you and assumes you are angry. And it doesn’t help that there are those who consider themselves progressive that will acknowledge the black and the large but will fight tooth and nail to refuse the acknowledgement of the male part of that trifecta.
Nah, you got me on that, Danny. I look more small and mean than big and dangerous.
6’6, large body, I later found out my size intimidated people in highschool let alone as an adult where I got more muscle. I think bigger people are less able to show anger because of inbuilt instincts regarding size n danger which may be why women are allowed more freedom in showing anger than men as it’s seen as less dangerous.
The sterotype just doesn’t exist to the same extent with men, though men are clearly not less violent than women (at least as much) They are actually also statistically more addicted and mentally ill. The point is not to say “men are bad” because they are “crazy” as well. It is more like, “Why does that comment not get said to men so frequently, when they are at least as crazy as women, on average?”
Because there are different comment made towards men when it comes to anger.
I hear what you’re saying but try being a man where whether you are actually angry or not you are assumed to be angry because you are a man and that’s what men do.
Saying that a man’s anger is acceptable (which btw i don’t think you are saying) is like saying that a woman’s tears are acceptable. Its only the tip of a very damaging and sexist iceberg.
Let’s look at all the possible explanations here.
The phenomenon under discussion is the common trope in movies where a beautiful woman all of the sudden goes batshit crazy, out of control, and violent, without warning. A more common scenario in real life is that a man dates a woman who was always somewhat unstable, and either she managed to keep it in check early in the relationship or he was so horny or so falling in love or both that he failed to notice or was in denial, until reality finally caught up with him. Either he couldn’t ignore it anymore or she couldn’t pretend anymore or both.
Of course not everyone of a particular gender is crazy, but there are enough crazies out there of all genders (and I am not saying I’m not one of the crazies) that this is not an entirely fantastical thing.
Maybe she gets out of control and violent without warning.
And maybe the man in question is simply not comfortable with her expressing anything outside of happiness and love and pleasure of him that he responds in an out of the place way in response. Of coures, that doesn’t apply to women that are smashing windows. But there can be a huge disconnection between how a woman sees a situation and how a man does.
Women being called “bitches” and “crazy” or “psycho” has never strictly been reserved for just women that become out of control and violent. I have seen these labels (and that is exactly what these words are, lables) thrown around very loosely by men who don’t know how to deal with or understand a woman that gives him an emotion that isn’t happiness.
If we assume that every man that uses those negative and degrading terms is automatically correct, then we are missing a huge chunk of the conversation and we are autmoatically discrediting women and their own experiences. It’s a matter of “she said/he said” in those situations.
Of course, there are obvious situations where a woman becomes out of control and her behavior is rehensible and shouldn’t be tolerated. But calling her a “bitch” has no impact on anything and certainly doesn’t fix anything.
I have heard enough conversations from women and men alike and how they ascribe certain behaviors where what one gender might be calling the other isn’t really always simply what is going on.
Not making any assumptions about your stance on the term “creep”, but can’t this be read as an argument against women using the term “creep” about men?
Absolutely Tamen. “Creep” is a label tossed around by women. Sometimes it’s given to a man that simply approached her who was perfectly nice and normal. But if a man approaches a woman and his behavior is inappropiate, there is still a way to talk about that without calling him a name.
I don’t think names get us anywhere. Talk about the behavior. Do not just throw names out and about.
I don’t think names get us anywhere. Talk about the behavior. Do not just throw names out and about.
On one hand I can totally understand someone saying, “He’s creepy.” rather than “The way he approached me. He looked nervous, made odd movements, and kept his eyes on my chest the entire time.” on a count of there being fewer words.
On the other hand what has happened is that for some reason, maybe because of the ease of saying two words versus fully explaining the experience, it has become easier to toss those two words.
If the words were actually used properly I don’t think people would have as much problem (which can also be said for “privilege”, “sexism”, and Nice Guy).
And it really doesn’t help when you have people on both sides arguing, “Creep is never misused!” vs “Creep is always misused!”.
Women usually aren’t worried about lowering their word count.
Your speaking for all woman aside not so much the word count itself but a matter of looking for an easier way to say something long and drawn out.
I think this is part of how various terms get misused. Yeah this thing here kinda sounds like this this here so I’ll just use that term in place of this explanation.
Liike swear words. It’s not that someone is actively choosing to say “fuck!” instead of “I can’t believe you just did that!” because that one word is is faster to say than seven. It’s that that one word has come to be an understood subsitute for those seven.
Intellectual laziness maybe?
FUCK is an aggressive word in some contexts and is proven to make you feel better, it certainly lowers my pain. When I get hurt or angry swearing helps calm me, I guess I see it as letting out that pain n anger. It’s also a good idea to ignore most of what I say when angry as often I am just venting.
Creep though I don’t think triggers any of that, creep is a direct insult.
my comments dissapear-weird…
any yeah, i brought up male disposability-no, it is warren farrell’s idear not mine…
Men should empathize with women even when they are wrong, abusive and seek to understand their perspective.
But we surely dont need to empathize with men or understand their perspective with any compassion, when they commit wrongs. We cannot eve seek to explain their behavior because that would amount to justifying it.
Am I the only one here who sense a double standard?
This article is about women. It’s not a double standard. It’s that one article can’t be your everything. Keep reading.
My personal favorite aspect of the psycho ex-girlfriend phenomenon is the whole between the lines thing…most of my friends are dudes, and, when they get to talking about this, there is a phenomenal lack of context. They leave out the unflattering parts of the story. I hear about how someone keyed a car or smashed a windshield…only later is it revealed that the dude in question slept with the girl’s sister, or shared her nudie pics with his fraternity…yeah, imagine that…you manipulate, lie to, and cheat on a woman, and then, whoopty-fucking-do, she gets pissed, only, instead of acknowledging that her anger is an actual valid response, it’s soooo much more fun to talk about what a crazy bitch she was… entertaining, yes. enlightening on the guy’s character, as well? Also, yes. I take note when men tell me these stories, because I know they’re the ones to watch out for…any adult, male or female, who doesn’t own up to their half of why a relationship goes south, is not mature enough to be dating me. I need a grown ass man who can admit to his wrongs, as I admit to mine, and these stories? They’re like boogie men for bachelors…
I’d say that western culture currently shuns all forms of aggressive behavior. Even children aren’t struck [in public] anymore.
In my experience, though, it can be a difficult to call out a woman for being overly aggressive or angry since outsiders are unlikely to rush to the defense of a male accuser–allowing/causing the woman to aggravate (the male stigma for not being able to defend himself plays a role, too, of course).
My opinion is that a woman can usually expect strangers to come to her aid when the role is reversed and she is publicly threatened or frightened.