In Richard Essery’s opinion, abortion is an area best left to those unexpectedly expecting.
It’s OK for men to have an opinion on abortion, but that doesn’t mean we should have the final say.
In my early twenties I briefly dated a girl who told me she could never be friends with someone who’d had an abortion. I can’t remember the exact reasons she gave but, almost 20 years later, we are still friends (albeit Facebook friends).
She has around 200 other Facebook friends; I really can’t be bothered to count how many are male and how many are female just to make a laboured point, but for the sake of easy mathematics let’s just say it’s 50/50, and 100 of her social network friends are female: statistically, 33 of them will have an abortion in their lifetime, so she is either a liar or she has since changed her mind.
Of course it’s also possible that, like me, she’s just grown up a bit and no longer counts those kinds of views as suitable small talk for early stage romantic liaisons (just as I have learned that telling girls I have a massive cock before they’ve seen it can only lead to disappointment).
It’s also possible that her friends haven’t openly discussed having a termination with her because of social stigma, or because they don’t know how she would react. Whether she still feels like this I don’t know, but, even if she does, she is entitled to her view, as is everyone else—including men.
Working in, and writing about, sexual health I’ve often used the topic of abortion as a litmus test when sounding out new friends and partners. This doesn’t mean I don’t have friends who are generally “against it”; they just aren’t fervent, blinkered hate mongers.
I think it’s totally acceptable to be anti-abortion, but only if your opinion was not formed by lazy, biased, incorrect or bigoted information and, more importantly, you don’t force your opinions onto others without bothering to question or explore their individual circumstances.
Contrary to what the papers say, there is no evidence that women use abortion as a method of contraception, but I’ve seen plenty to suggest that most have tried and failed to use a method of contraception correctly, or lacked the education they needed in order to protect themselves effectively.
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Men hold the balance of power, but, sadly, we don’t exercise it with much thought … why should we be surprised if [women] don’t want us telling them what to do when it comes to unplanned pregnancy?
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Just as we shouldn’t stereotype girls and women as being too stupid, lazy or fickle to avoid getting themselves up the duff, we mustn’t pigeonhole all men as being uncaring, sexist, condom dodging serial shaggers.
While many people who are anti-choice are men, most people—of all genders—are pro-choice, and most people understand that the decision of whether or not to continue with a pregnancy is best left to the person who would otherwise have to carry that pregnancy to term, give birth, and then either look after the child or put it up for adoption.
It’s easy to be anti-choice if you’ve never experienced unwanted pregnancy, but you’d be surprised how quickly those deeply held views can change or soften when people find themselves directly affected. It’s only human to have double standards and it’s only natural to do as you do and not as you say.
Lots of the men I speak to are very supportive of their partner’s decision to terminate their pregnancy, but some aren’t; lots of parents I speak to support their daughter’s decision to have a baby, but plenty don’t. Many men won’t even find out when their partner, wife or daughter is pregnant anyway—and this confidentiality is essential—because some men will push women into having an abortion because they don’t want a child or grandchild, or the responsibility that comes with it.
But let’s not get on our high horses about being kept in the dark, we get most things our way; after all, we make most of the rules. We earn more, we aren’t defined by our marital status, we can be firemen, we can be policemen, hell, if we’re white, middle class and able bodied enough we can even be fucking Bishops if we want to.
Men hold the balance of power, but, sadly, we don’t exercise it with much thought. We judge women on their looks rather than their abilities, we make them pay tax on tampons, we feign disgust when they use words like “vagina,” and we do our best to make it difficult for them to access contraception services; why should we be surprised if they don’t want us telling them what to do when it comes to unplanned pregnancy?
Yes, abortion is not solely a woman’s issue, but it must remain solely a woman’s choice.
Image of young woman holding her pregnant belly courtesy of Shutterstock. Editor’s note about the image: The model appears to be approximately 20 weeks along. This is the usual cutoff point beyond which an abortion is considered “late-term.” Nearly all pregnancies are viable after the 27th week, and no pregnancies are viable before the 21st week. [Source: JAMA]
About Richard Essery
I can’t say that I disagree with anything in this piece. As a woman who’s had two abortions myself, one against the wishes of my Catholic partner, I completely agree that abortion needs to be a woman’s choice. I would definitely advocate speaking to the potential father about the pregnancy, but I can understand why that wouldn’t always be possible.
I do have to ask though, why this piece was written. Abortion IS legal in the US and England, with people fighting hard against those who want to impose restrictions. If indeed men are making all the rules, as the writer says, why don’t they have an equal say in whether or not they want to be a parent. Why do men bear the same responsibilities but with no right to walk away from fatherhood. That, I think, is a more important topic.
Abortion may be legal in England but it’s not in Northern Ireland or Eire.
On the point about an equal say for men – it’s a woman’s body! When men can have babies they can decide what to do with their bodies… and whether to have an abortion or not!
It’s OK for men to have an opinion on abortion, but that doesn’t mean we should have the final say.
That’s what a good number of us have been saying for a good while now but for some unknown reason we are expected to only speak our opinions if they are supportive. Well I do know the reason. We are all treated like the politicians that are trying to have the final say on abortion. Guilty by gender association. We’re men so we must all think the same and are trying to control womens bodies right?
Many men won’t even find out when their partner, wife or daughter is pregnant anyway—and this confidentiality is essential—because some men will push women into having an abortion because they don’t want a child or grandchild, or the responsibility that comes with it.
And then this…
But let’s not get on our high horses about being kept in the dark, we get most things our way; after all, we make most of the rules. We earn more, we aren’t defined by our marital status, we can be firemen, we can be policemen, hell, if we’re white, middle class and able bodied enough we can even be fucking Bishops if we want to.
I’m sorry but I have a bit of a problem here. You’re telling men not to get on high horse over having something as major as the future responsibilities of parenting hidden from us because we have control in other areas in life? Being more likely to earn more money and sharing gender with those few who hold power (because most men don’t “make most of the rule” we are being ruled just like women are) doesn’t mitigate having that kind of life changing in formation hidden.
Now if you want to point out that some men are jerks for trying to tell a woman what to do when it comes to the pregnancy (trying push for an abortion or trying to pull away from an abortion for that matter) then go right ahead. But don’t try to throw all us under the bus just because some of us are jerks.
“It’s easy to be anti-choice if you’ve never experienced unwanted pregnancy, but you’d be surprised how quickly those deeply held views can change or soften when people find themselves directly affected. It’s only human to have double standards and it’s only natural to do as you do and not as you say.”
If you had actually looked at the research on this subject, you would find that the “double standard” actually runs other way. Pregnant women are prone to say “My abortion would be immoral, but your abortion is okay.” They hold themselves to a HIGHER, not lower, standard than other women.
http://www.springerlink.com/content/h418vg2668170t58/
I have a concern related to this, outside of your moral stance, or your life situation, I think the extreme focus of it all being the women’s decision implicates that the man doesn’t belong in any part of the process, or the outcome. I don’t think anybody is cavalier about abortion, particularly the possibility of their own, but it is a complex situation.
For a man, he WAS part of the baby making process in smaller capacity, and if the child is born, he’s on the hook for child support payments and/or rearing the child. It does affect his life, and he may be perfectly willing to bear the responsibility of having a child, and may even welcome it. I think, ideally, it’s better to make it a couple’s decision when possible (barring one-night stands, carelessness, accidents, rape, incest). That probably happens most of the time, but the rhetoric surrounding the issue seems to skip over that side of things.
I found this article to be fairly well balanced on the whole and is not unfair to men (or women); the author talks of his experiences as someone who works with women in this situation, a circumstance which would evidently grant far more exposure to the many circumstances which surround abortion than those of us who don’t work in sexual health, counselling or the medical profession;
However, I think many are missing the point here somewhat. In my view of abortion, ‘future responsibilities of parenting’ as a shared concern don’t even come into it for many of the females involved, because no-one but that individual can know or understand how the news affects them. Sure, the man was equally involved in terms of conception, but this is one scenario where men and women can never be ‘equal’ – he can never experience the same ‘burden’ of pregnancy and all that comes after – including the roles of childbearing, giving birth and finally, motherhood.
Women who treat this as their own issue or decision are not selfish – well, no more than any of the rest of us. They are making a decision about their life and their future and it has to be a woman’s decision because it won’t work any other way. While it must be sad for men who disagree with their partner’s decision, there is no happy resolution, because what is the alternative – that he pushes her into something she does not want or tries to change her mind? For those who never find out; well – tough. She had a difficult decision to make and made the best decision for her life and her circumstance at that point in time.
No one can know how someone else feels, and that’s why abortion decisions (or otherwise) have to be left to the individual in question.
Cat: you are correct, that they can”t be equal, but guess, society can give me virtually equiv choices. You would think since men have ALL THE POWER they would have done that already. Priv bastards that they are.
“But let’s not get on our high horses about being kept in the dark, we get most things our way; after all, we make most of the rules. We earn more, we aren’t defined by our marital status, we can be firemen, we can be policemen, hell, if we’re white, middle class and able bodied enough we can even be fucking Bishops if we want to.”
I have to ask. Since you are a man, please in detail tell me in your entire life what “RULES HAVE YOU MADE”.
I am being serious here. You have made an assertion that “We make most of the rules” and I am assuming you are talking about men, so what rules have you made. I am married to a man, have a son, numerous nephews and tons of male friends, and I can honestly say all total they have made ZERO rules that I live by.
I absolutely hate it when people say things like this, equate the couple hundred men (and women) who are in power somehow gives power to all men. I am sure, but you sir are lying and quite frankly it completely takes away from your point when you do so. MEN DON’T MAKE THE RULES.
BTW, if men did make the rules, please tell me how come men have zero options when it comes to their children. Jeez, If I was in charge, I can tell you quite honestly my life would be alot easier, I would make so many rules to better myself, it wouldn’t be funny. Right now men have zero options, if men are making the rules, they sure aren’t doing a very good job of helping themselves.
Exactly.
“But let’s not get on our high horses about being kept in the dark, we get most things our way; after all, we make most of the rules. We earn more, we aren’t defined by our marital status, we can be firemen, we can be policemen, hell, if we’re white, middle class and able bodied enough we can even be fucking Bishops if we want to.”
Yes yes, men having power means it’s perfectly acceptable to be inequal in parenthood choice even though leaps n bounds are made every day to close that power gap. One day men will wakeup to women who are MORE than equal to them and wonder what went wrong.
“Men hold the balance of power, but, sadly, we don’t exercise it with much thought. We judge women on their looks rather than their abilities, we make them pay tax on tampons, we feign disgust when they use words like “vagina,” and we do our best to make it difficult for them to access contraception services; why should we be surprised if they don’t want us telling them what to do when it comes to unplanned pregnancy?
Yes, abortion is not solely a woman’s issue, but it must remain solely a woman’s choice.”
It’s her choice, but why should she be able to force men into parenthood? Why should men pay child support to children they do NOT want when she had the option to stop the pregnancy? In the end it’s her choice, she has 100% of the choice, the final say, in the end it’s women who should be taking 100% of the responsibility if they cannot afford their men a say. If she wants to keep the child and he doesn’t, then she can raise it alone or find another partner. If he wants to keep the child and she doesn’t, well, it’s her body and I have no qualms with her aborting. But men deserve the financial abortion option.
If we want to keep saying abortion is solely a woman’s choice then pregnancy, childbirth, and raising that child is solely a woman’s choice, and responsibility. Why should men’s bodies be forced to provide for a child they do not want? Especially when women have the option to opt out of parenthood?
And woman that continues a pregnancy without the father wanting to be a father should be doing it alone. If you cannot respect your partners wishes then that partner doesn’t deserve to be forced into a decision YOU have made for him. It’s ironic n hypocritical to think otherwise in many cases considering how many women say a man shouldn’t have a say over what she does with her body. The only ones who bodies are forced into action are the men who have to provide for the child they have no choice in having born save abstinence.
If women want the choice to be solely theirs, then the responsibility should be solely theirs. Men who want to be fathers should need to opt-in, and thus be liable for child support, etc. She’s not making a decision for her body alone, it’s HIS body as well that is on the line, forced to pay child support and thus work, his life automatically has financial burden and social expectation to be the father. We like to say it’s a woman’s choice but really, women are choosing for both men and women with mandatory child support laws in place. Men have no say, that is NOT equality.
“Men hold the balance of power,”
How is that possible when women are the majority of humans and the majority of voters?
“We judge women on their looks rather than their abilities,”
Women judge men on their abilities, money, and power rather than [fill in the blank]. See, we can all write absurd, illogical generalities.
“we make them pay tax on tampons,”
Who is this “we?” I never made any such rule. Did you? Which female politicians have ever objected to taxing tampons? Should pads and condoms be non-taxable too? Bras? Jock straps? Pantyhose?
“we feign disgust when they use words like “vagina,”
What? You should use the pronoun “I.” since most of us have no earthly idea what this means.”
“and we do our best to make it difficult for them to access contraception services.”
False. Who is this “we?” How about stating at least a single fact? For at least 40 years, almost 100% of insurance plans have paid for birth control pills.
“why should we be surprised if they don’t want us telling them what to do when it comes to unplanned pregnancy?”
She should do whatever she wants. Just don’t hold a man responsible for HER unexpected pregnancy. If it’s her choice, it must also be her responsiblity.
I’ve seen this in all the abortion pieces on this site, so this isn’t specific to this author.
The use of the term “anti-choice” is really tacky. It’s as transparent as pro-lifers that refer to those in favor of the status quo as “pro-death.”
We have a real problem in the United States with civil discourse. Real discussion barely takes place anymore because both sides would rather paint each other with negative labels than actually listen to what they have to say.
Would it really be so hard to write “pro-life” and give your opponents the courteously of letting them determine their own label? Wouldn’t you prefer to be called “pro-choice” by them? Can you see the inherent problem when the same piece of writing both claims the moral high ground and takes t time to call names?
Richard, you hit all the key points in this article, unfortunately you hit all the key points in the article. You made whole lot of false assumptions, utilized stereotypes of men, conflated ‘some men have power’ with ‘all men have power’, used “WE” to indicate that all men are doing something , when in fact very few in any men are doing it. And finally outright said things are aren’t true.
But having said all that, you get kudos for showing folks just how modern feminsts work, make up stuff, use false data and say just the right things to make it seem like you care about women.
Forgot to add at the end: Hugo would be so proud.
I have some more sympathy with the author here than most. it’s a big deal, physically and emotionally, for a woman to have a baby. I think it is a bigger deal for a woman to go through this than for a man who isn’t involved and doesn’t want a child but then has to pay child support: blame biology and evolution folks.
Also, I object some of the comments that make it sound like the decision about conception is completely taken out of men’s hands by women. Heard of condoms ever? If you don’t want to become a father, make sure you always wear one.
Also, who is Hugo?
“Also, I object some of the comments that make it sound like the decision about conception is completely taken out of men’s hands by women. Heard of condoms ever? If you don’t want to become a father, make sure you always wear one.”
Abortion is about post-conception, not contraception. Unless you also are also asking women if they’ve ever heard of the pill? That way, according to your line of argument, she wouldn’t be faced with a decision on abortion.
First off …. A lot of stats were thrown around and I would like to see the actual data.
I am pro-life, not anti-choice. BIG distinction between the two but it’s typical that the term “anti-choice” be thrown around. Obviously I agree with several of the responses to this article.
And the bit about “…..hell, if we’re white, middle class and able bodied enough we can even be fucking Bishops if we want to.” What the hell is that supposed to mean and what does it have to do with abortion? Perhaps again, you can do some research????
Most Rev. Moses Bosco Anderson, S.S.E. Ordained a Bishop January 27, 1983. Auxiliary Bishop Emeritus of Detroit, MI. – Most Rev. Gordon Dunlap Bennett, S.J. Ordained a Bishop March 3, 1998.Bishop Emeritus – Most Rev. Edward Kenneth Braxton Ordained a Bishop May 17, 1995. Current Bishop of Belleville, IL. Member of the USCCB’s Committee’s on Education, Science, and Human Values; Committee on Scripture Translation. Convener of the African American Catholic Bishops. – Most Rev. Dominic Carmon, S.V.D. Ordained a Bishop February 11, 1993. Auxiliary Bishop Emeritus of New Orleans, LA. – Most Rev. Wilton Daniel Gregory – Installed as Archbishop January 17, 2005.Current Archbishop of Atlanta, GA. First African American President of the USCCB from 2001 to 2004. – Ordained a Bishop February 19, 1988. Current Bishop of Beaumont, TX. First non-canon lawyer to hold position. First African American to be bishop of Beaumont or ordinary of any diocese in Texas. Only bishop to carry Olympic torch in 1996 when it traveled thru the United States. – Most Rev. Joseph Lawson Howze Ordained a Bishop January 23, 1973. – Most Rev. George Vance Murray, S.J. Ordained a Bishop March 20, 1995. – Most Rev. Leonard James Olivier, S.V.D. Ordained a Bishop December 20 1988 – Most Rev. Joseph Nathaniel Perry Ordained a Bishop June 29, 1998. Current Auxiliary Bishop of Chicago, IL. Chairman of the USCCB Committee of African American Catholics. National Chaplain for the Knights of Peter Claver and the Ladies Auxiliary. – Most Rev. John Huston Ricard, S.S.J. 0rdained a Bishop July 2, 1984. Current Bishop of Pensacola-Tallahassee, FL. – Most Rev. Elliot Griffin Thomas Ordained a Bishop December 12, 1993.
Let’s not for get Most Rev. James Augustine Healy Ordained a Bishop June 2, 1875. First African American Roman Catholic priest in the U.S. First African American Roman Catholic bishop in the United States. Deceased August 5, 1900.
It’s rather disheartening that insult the African American community for making such a claim. You should be ashamed. Bottom line for me … you have lost all credibility with me.
Hi Tom. Thanks for your comment. I’m sure you can tell from the article that it is written from the perspective of someone living and working in the UK, so you’ll forgive me if my knowledge of Bishops in the US is not as robust as yours. In the UK roles like these are , with the odd exception, usually held by white men (as an example of this, there are 26 Bishops of the Church of England currently sitting in the House of Lords (a bit like the Senate), all of them are men, and just one of them, the Bishop of York Dr John Sentamu, is not white.
There is still much debate over here around their place in what is, essentially, an unelected governing role, as well as around the ordination of women in the church. I fail to see there is any insult to any community here, I’m just trying to highlight disparity.
I’m sure you can also tell from the tone of the article that much off it is said with tongue firmly in cheek. I’m not aiming to gain credibility with anyone, just giving a point of view, and this point had more to do with the balance of power than abortion. All the best.
Richard, thank you for your respectful response. Personally, I am a womb to tomb pro-lifer and will stay that way. I will not “judge” any who have had an abortion in that I personally will never know the hell a person may have gone through to have had to make that choice. I am comfortble when I say that I speak for many pro-lifers. Obviously the nut cases on both sides of the issue will always get the attention while the rest of us sit quietly (in my case praying) waiting for some resolution.
With my age, comes many lifes exeriences which have formed my solid views on this issue (as well as other issues.) Thank you again.
Gallup reported earlier this year that people claiming to be “pro-choice” is at an all-time low of 41%. Most people support abortion only in certain circumstances. If you look at Gallup’s data, people generally support abortion in cases in which the mother and baby’s physical or mental health is in danger. They do not support it when women simply cannot afford to care for the child (or presumably just do not want the child), the latter of which likely makes up the majority of abortions. They also do not support abortion past the first three months of the pregnancy.
As for the “anti-choice” claim, that is rather loaded term akin to saying someone who supports abortion is anti-life. There are many choices those opposed to abortion support; they just do not support a particular choice. And coincidentally, many people who do not support abortion are also women.
It’s not quite as straight forward as that, Jacob. I’m sure you are aware that Gallup’s poll was carried out without actually using the words “pro-choice” or “pro-life”, rather letting the recipients choose their own moniker. It appears, at least according the the LA Times, that many American’s who are in favour of abortion in some circumstances identify themselves as “pro-life”, where once they may well have thought of themselves as “pro-choice” – which rather skews the whole issue and, of course, the poll results.
There is further disparity between the USA, where the poll was carried out, and the UK, where roughly 3/4 of people identify as “pro-choice” but you are right that there are some issues to be debated around the whole pro-life/anti-choice, pro-choice/pro-death labels.
You can have a look at the Los Angeles Times article here: http://lat.ms/MqRmHt
Pro Choice: I wonder how many of the so called pro choice, would give the man a choice. Pro Choice means giving people a choice.
Where did the author go?
This was an amusing yet insightful article. Nice one.
Oh and those who were talking about pro life / anti choice. If you don’t believe in a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body then you’re anti-choice. Simple.
Likewise, if you don’t believe in a man’s right to choose whether or not to become a parent to a woman’s baby, then you’re anti-choice. Simple.
Seems like you’ve ruffled a few feathers! I agree with Richard on many points – firstly that you are unlikely to know exactly how you feel about abortion until faced with the dilema of an unwanted pregnancy (and although a sympathetic male partner may share much of the worry it is hard to imagine the experience being quite the same as having the baby inside you). Secondly the impression that some people use abortion as a form of contraception sounds ludicrous – surely you would not put your self through that if you had access to, and understanding of, straightforward contraception.
The question of a man’s right to choose is a tricky one as I would like to think that in a stable relationship both partners would make the decision together – but ultimately the woman should have the last say.
It is very sad to think that young girls have to face the decisions surrounding an unwanted pregnancy through lack of proper education – that is the problem that needs addressing.