To get what you want, you have to be willing to walk away from anything else.
This was previously published on The Male Blueprint.
I hear a lot of women today complain that there are no real men anymore. Groups of women love to get together and lament about the sad state of the male race.
Stop whining.
Could men as a whole step up their game and bring more to the table? Hell yes they could, but complaining gets you nowhere. Here’s what most people don’t accept.
The current system is perfect.
Our world operates according to the rules of supply and demand. If there is less demand, supply goes down, if there is more demand, supply goes up. Currently, men are supplying exactly as much as women are demanding. If a woman is making most of the money, taking care of the kids and cleaning the house while allowing her man to sit on the couch all day, he is doing exactly what she is demanding of him. Men will only supply what you demand. Conversely, if you challenge your man to become the man you desire and dream about, he or someone else will step into that role and you will be met by the man you really want, not just the man you keep settling for.
I want to say this again because it’s so important. The current system of supply and demand in male-female relationships is perfect, it’s exactly where it should be. Ladies, if you really want men to step up and become the real men you talk about, you must demand it. I’m not saying ask for it, I’m not saying hope for it, I’m saying demand it. What does that mean? It means you don’t settle for anything less. It means if you aren’t satisfied, you walk away. Men will rise up and meet your challenge, I promise, it’s what we do best. We love challenges. We love it when women make us step up and work. We love to do work.
My man doesn’t like to work, he’s not going to step up, he’s too lazy.
Do you know why he’s lazy? He’s lazy because you aren’t demanding more than what he’s giving you. If you were, you would have left him. He’s lazy because you are rewarding his laziness with a relationship.
I understand I should demand the perfect man but what if I don’t believe I’m the perfect woman?
This seems like a catch-22, I understand. What we have to remember is most of what makes us confident, attractive and desirable is what we believe, not what we might consider to be “the facts.” To become confident, you must believe you are confident. How do you believe you are confident if you aren’t confident? You fake it until you make it. In this case, you demand the man you want and what will happen is your brain will start believing that you are the confident, attractive, desirable woman who would demand such a man. At first you faked it, then you start to become it. It all starts with a demand.
What if my demands are so high that I can’t find men to date?
If you do this right, you will have men lining up at your door. It seems counter-intuitive, but you have to understand how much men enjoy challenge. There is nothing sexier than a woman who has the confidence to call us out and challenge us to rise up. The part that you don’t like is the hardest thing about all this. You must be willing you walk away if you aren’t getting what you want. I will say this five more times because it’s that important.
You must be willing to walk away.
You must be willing to walk away.
You must be willing to walk away.
You must be willing to walk away.
You must be willing to walk away.
The moment you walk away and draw that line is the moment you let the universe know it’s time to send you a better man than what you are currently used to. You will get it, but only if you are willing to walk away from anything less.
What if I’m single, do I still walk away if I’m not satisfied?
Hell yes. Don’t waste your time talking to men who are less than what you want. If you find yourself on a date or talking to a man of this lower caliber, challenge him. Be honest and direct. “I was initially attracted to you but since you can’t talk to me for 10 seconds without looking around the bar, I’ve lost interest. Good bye.” Then walk away. Guess what happens to that man after that? He changes. He may not come back and thank you, but he’ll remember that conversation for the rest of his life. When women give direct and honest feedback to men it gets burned in our brains forever and ever. And the best part about all this? You get to do what you’ve always wanted to do—train men to be the way you want! Most women “train” men through nagging or complaining, but now that you’ve learned a method that actually works, you can change the world one man at a time.
Don’t ask for it, don’t hope for it, demand it.
Read more by Dave Booda: The Secret to an Amazing Hook Up
Image of women walking away courtesy of Shutterstock
Whoever wrote this piece of trash must be very lonely
After reading this article I now know I’ve made the right decision to walk away. It hurts like he’ll, but I was afraid of turning into a doormat. It had to be done.
There is a flaw in the logic of this article. Most good men are terrified to start a relationship because of all the crazy laws on the books now. Also with modern feminism poisoning the gender relationships to begin with, most women would be lucky to get a decent man to even talk to them now. The underlying problem is that women never pick the nerdy stable men, but the drama filled losers. Its really a issue of women not picking correctly and being too picky to begin with. Oh look the guy is bald, older, short, fat, has glasses,… Read more »
Where can I find truly hot beautiful women to date and make love to? There just aren’t that many around where I live. They are all fat and ugly.
Thanks for the great article. I have done a lot of walking away lately, but realize that staying would make me a doormat. I appreciate the validation.
Sounds cruel sounds brutal but it works. My relationship was on it’s last legs. I was seriously going to walk away but he spent hours chasing. Only catch is you have to want to walk away. Respect him but respect yourself more. Did not nag or explain but bluntly directly told him what I think and to inform him I want to handle it professionally
I LOVE this article I linked to it in my blog post and would like to quote you in my book too!
http://katiebulmer.life/believe-sorority…can-change-world/
If women were as good at delivering as they were at demanding, the world would have no problems. Maybe women are delusional about what they actually bring to the table, that is, if men are so worthless as well.
They bring wet vagina…isn’t that enough?
Chad seems to think so
I was in a relationship for 9 months, and after the first few months my boyfriend would barely spare time for me, he would focus completely on work and neglect me, every time I mentioned how I was feeling he woulda find a way to blame it all on me, yesterday after I read this I was like FUCK IT!!!!! and I broke up with him, and I just wanted to say thank you for giving me the courage.
Congratulations!!! Good for you!! I just ended a 1 month dating thing because of the same lazy behavior. No time for me, “too tired” i said then you arent ready for a relationship!! And this is not what I want in a relationship and clearly is not even going there. He said it was hard for him. And that he was sorry. I said too late. Im done. Its been a week and he hasnt tried to step up or come back. At least this time I ended it. Not the other way around. Faking it till I make it!!… Read more »
You have friends…or do you need your dildo to worship you?
@ wellokaythen- Astronomy was invented so that Economics could be called a science and an outstanding reference to game theory.
@erin- don’t look to deeply into my quips, I got my GED wearing an orange jumpsuit.
Just because a woman told me this joke doesn’t mean it isn’t reprehensible.
Why do women have so much trouble finding well groomed, sensitive and sexy guys?
Because those guys already have boyfriends.
” Why do women have so much trouble finding well groomed, sensitive and sexy guys?
Because those guys already have boyfriends. ”
LoooooooL that was good 😀
When your quips reflect the idea that women are more responsible for you and themselves then you are for yourself, orange jumpsuit or Golden Arches hats aren’t going to make me stop pointing out the wrongness in that!
Listen I’m insulted by the Golden Arches thing….. Women want the same thing all entities that crawl, fly & swim want; to pass on their genes. It is why we evolved. The problem that we have also evolved a consciousness about how we procreate. There is ample evidence in the human endeavor and the animal kingdoms that females lie, just as much as males do and in some incidences more, about with whom they mate. Again, for 99% of hominid existence most mating took place between people who were at most 2nd cousins- so every baby looked alike. So basically… Read more »
She readily picks inferior males because he meets her demands over the superior male who doesn’t.
Don’t give us this BS about procreation
Why don’t women work in coal factories?
Sorry, but this thread seems to be going the way of the age old question “Why is it the ‘Jerks’ are the ones always getting ‘Laid’?” Even the womens’ ‘Holy Book’ Cosmo has asked this question in an occasional article.
Well It seems Kezia Noble, has a possible answer for this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hdEXA1ceaA&feature=my_liked_videos&list=LLZsjMuY_sY8Uep7FjMztqpQ
Because she can’t admit to herself that Chad makes her the wettest..because he comes with resources and is a unwitting puppet for her to manipulate with sex.
I thought love was more or less a Giffen good. It seems the more I gave the less I got. –The Monkees The classical economic model of supply and demand does have a lot of explanatory power when it comes to the dating world, especially when it comes to the kinds of dating relationships that are particularly economic in nature, like looking for a “good provider.” But, like any social scientific theory, it is not a perfect explanation. Being useful and descriptive and even reliably predictive does not make a theory airtight. It just means the theory has some usefulness.… Read more »
Because this article reminds me so much of game theory, I’m curious to see what the author thinks about what in game theory is called the “Eligible Bachelor Paradox.” In this phenomenon, many of the women who end up with the most attractive men are not actually the most attractive women, but women who are somewhat attractive and have stopped waiting around for the totally perfect man to arrive. The “eligible bachelors” are often snatched up right away NOT by the most beautiful women but by women who are more willing to accept some flaws, or who can put a… Read more »
It IS a matter of supply and demand. Women with ludicrously inflated expectations are a dime a dozen, you can find them anywhere. Consequently, their relationship value is low. Women who don’t consider themselves goddesses sizing up potential worshippers, on the other hand, are priceless; they get snatched up in a minute.
Actually, I find that men can be very attracted to women who may think very high of themselves. Both genders like confident people. Unfortunetly, sometimes confidence is really arrogance but that doesn’t get further determined until you know who that person is on a deeper level. I know lots of down to earth women that get rejected and aren’t “snatched up’ in a minute. If that was the case, then we would have to assume that men are all completely healthy individuals that only pick the best of partners. But that’s not true. Men are prone to the same pitfalls… Read more »
I’d rather date a genius riddled with anxiety and lack of confidence than an average person that is confident for no good reason….but then again, I am smart and understand things well
This suggests another big complication to the supply and demand explanation: imperfect information. The classical econ supply/demand principles are based on a model of perfect information – everyone knows the truth about everything bought and sold, and everyone knows the prices that everyone else is asking and offering. The laws break down somewhat when there’s misperception, fraud, self-delusion, ignorance about yourself and others, etc. So, if people in the dating world are totally out of touch with reality, the “laws” of supply and demand have to be modified in some fundamental ways. See my message below – saying “it just… Read more »
The reality is that most people are pretty ignorant…economics therefore is a justification for an unrealistic program
Sure…as long as he goes the extra mile for her in the majority of cases. Like making the first move and paying for the dates.
While I think women have total responsibility in their own behavior in what they accept from men, I am left with the impression that apparently, what men do, what kind of men they are, is all women’s responsibility. Something about that seems a little off. Let me explain. Take the very stereotypical situation where a woman is really into a man, sleeps with him, then wonders why he doesn’t take her seriously. I really believe that a lot of women would save themselves some heartache if they didn’t fall pressure to their own immediate desires (sex) in favor of giving… Read more »
On the flipside making a man wait too long could leave him feeling like she isn’t taking him seriously, guess it’s all a fun game of trying to find balance, find the right partner, someone you can trust and who will grow with you, not for you. It’s the man’s responsibility mostly for the actions described in the article, there is some truth to the enabling by rewarding bad behaviour though. If you can get a partner whilst treating that gender like shit then why would they change? Treating them like shit seems to work for them so changing could… Read more »
I agree with you but there are lot of men and woman who have stood by their them and have initiate some part of themselves to show the other person that they desire and want them. Communication is important and i understand people should be able to express what the problem is and it up to the person if they want to fix it. There are a lot of game players out there who all they want to do is control you and manipulate your thinking that you don’t deserve to be appreciated or worthless. The real people who are… Read more »
@Erin…Let me state categorically that women are NOT responsible for the behavior or misbehavior of men. We men are totally responsible for our own behavior. “Take the very stereotypical situation where a woman is really into a man, sleeps with him, then wonders why he doesn’t take her seriously.” Now, I ask: just why does the man need to take her seriously? Just because of sex? He should respect her, obviously. But, what is this talk about being taken seriously ? I am baffled here. It’s not like she just gave him $10 mil dollars. She was the one into… Read more »
Jules, let me ask you this first and then I will do my best to to explain what I mean. Let’s say there is a man who is very interested in a woman. She likes him but she isn’t really “into” him. Let’s say he asks her out to dinner and she accepts, knowing that she really isn’t into him but thinks he’s nice enough to go out to dinner with. He wants to impress her and takes her out to a nice restaurant. They have a pretty nice time, They talk, they laugh, all is well. It doesn’t change… Read more »
So no leading on? I think it’s just one of those situations that come up in dating, annoying for the one who wants more but can we really expect or demand more? People need to communicate what they want beforehand but can you blame either? I don’t think so. Is it annoying? Fuck yeah, is it using him? no. I’d hope people would discuss things n set limits, or at least be OPEN to seeing where it goes without making a decision upfront but that’s a dream more than anything. It’s also probably why I doubt I could ever date… Read more »
In the scenario of a man having sex with a woman, what’s the analog to the money spent on the dinner in the “went out with a guy who’s ‘just a friend'” scenario?
In the date scenario he spent money on her, there was a clear transfer of resources occurring. He gave up something to spend time with her.
You can’t say that with the sex scenario. Neither of them “gave up” anything in order to have sex with the other. (at least, nothing that the other partner didn’t *also* give up, such as time spent)
Well, women do sometimes feel like we “give up” something by having sex, in the sense of letting a man have access to our bodies, which we’ve been raised believing we should protect … We may feel used…. We may feel like here is one more guy added to our “number” which we are ashamed about later. I’m not saying that’s the right attitude to have necessarily, just pointing put that the attitude exists, and certainly I’ve experienced those feelings myself at times in the past. It can feel quite degrading to have had sex with a guy thinking that… Read more »
“Well, women do sometimes feel like we “give up” something by having sex, in the sense of letting a man have access to our bodies, which we’ve been raised believing we should protect … We may feel used…. We may feel like here is one more guy added to our “number” which we are ashamed about later.” So, in other words, sex with men is toxic, parasitic in that in order to engage in it, you as a woman have to “give up” something. Not only that, but while you, as a woman, are more than enough; he, as a… Read more »
I didn’t say that there has to be a capital-R “relationship” but if you realize later on than the man you thought might, I don’t know, have at least liked you and thought you were a cool enough person to spend some time with, actually didn’t give a sh!t about you and just saw you as a warm body with a pulse, yes, that feels pretty crappy. If you don’t understand that, I don’t think I can explain it any better.
I can understand that, and that it sucks. What I’m saying is, the fact that you feel that way… is not the guy’s fault. You are responsible for your own emotions. If you engaged in sex with the assumption that there would be more, which he never promised, then that is on you. You got out of the sex act the exact same thing that he did: Sex. He didn’t “take” anything from you.
I get what you’re saying but depending on the circumstances, I think it can be a little disingenuous to say “well, I never promised a relationship/further contact/follow up phone call, I’m not responsible for her/his hurt feelings.” You can create expectations from your behavior. Personal example: when I was 22, just graduated from college, and I’d only had one prior relationship, I met a friend of my roommate who was about 10 years older and VERY into me. Or so it seemed. For a couple weeks, he really pursued me. I wasn’t that attracted to him at first, but the… Read more »
Yet more evidence that the jerks always get laid I suppose.
Obviously, this older and more experienced man sweet talked you into sex. Nothing else Sarah. Also, alcohol was involved as well.
I am not surprised he called you for Round 2. Again, he was interested in SEX Sarah.
This isn’t an example of ‘jerks get laid’ because he gave Sarah every indication that he was a nice guy. He wasn’t insulting or negging her, he treated her with complete respect prior to sex, and she had no knowledge that he was a player. In her eyes, she slept with a nice guy. It just seems so weird to me. Jerks have to act like nice guys (talking sweet) to get laid, but nice guys have to act like jerks (PUAs) to get laid? So the key to getting laid is not being yourself? Tha fuck? Also, she didn’t… Read more »
@Julia Byrd , yeah I get it, and I figured it out at the time, even at age 22. I wasn’t even really that upset about it until he called me a year later for a booty call – obviously, he thought I had no standards whatsoever. Oh well live & learn
It just seems so weird to me. Jerks have to act like nice guys (talking sweet) to get laid, but nice guys have to act like jerks (PUAs) to get laid? So the key to getting laid is not being yourself? Tha fuck?
It’s a matter of being one or the other and having no success while at the same time seeing those who fit the bill of the other be successful.
Grass is greener on the other side?
Yes, if she wanted a relationship or a friends with benefits deal, she should have said something or stated that she wasn’t into one night things. BUT, by that logic, he was half wrong because he also didn’t indicate that he just wanted sex. He should also have indicated that he was going to cut off communication after sex and that this was a hook up/possible booty call situation. Neither party communicated here. It’s the same with friend zone relationships. If a guy wants sex, he needs to give some indication of that (as much as he feels led on… Read more »
@Sarah…While I understand your position, it seems like a case of asymmetric information. You knew how you felt but he did not. He was after sex but you wanted more.
Did you ever communicate to the man you wanted a relationship? Did you ever communicate to the man you wanted this to be anything other than sex? Did you ever say you did not believe in casual sex? We are all adults and I do not understand why we do not believe in communicating..
i was 22, now I know better. I assume men want nothing other than sex, unless presented with clear evidence to the contrary. 🙂
I’d assume that some want sex, some want sex + love, some don’t want sex at all. Basically, don’t make assumptions and get to know each potential date. Assuming they want nothing but sex is misandrous and quite frankly highly insulting, it’s as stupid as assuming all women just want to take your money, cheat on you, get pregnant (even against your will), etc. If you want clear evidence, goto a funeral of a wife and see how much the husband cries, if you think that’s all because his source of sex is gone then you’d be sadly mistaken. I… Read more »
I think you know the answer to that question 8ball.
Although with a simple model, I think the author is correct in outlining the basic economies of life interactions – the miss is on the playing down of negotiations as a critical component of fair trade social agreements. If you up and leave every time you don’t get exactly get what you want, you’ll need a new pair of shoes every week.
Mick Jagger said it best: “But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need”
“I think you know the answer to that question 8ball.”
I certainly do, and the answer is “there isn’t one.”
A person *buying* dinner for another and two people engaging in sex *together* are two completely separate situations and not even remotely comparable.
Unless one means to suggest that one is a prostitute, then perhaps they are. But remember, I didn’t make the comparison.
8ball, a woman who is interested in a man, lets her physical feelings play out with him, only to come and find that he had sex, enjoyed himself, and doesn’t want her for anything else, will infact feel like she gave up something. And I am not talking about “gave up sex”, in some outdated purtanical idealogy. She will feel like she gave something much more personal and intimate up to him that he didn’t respect.
“She will feel like she gave something much more personal and intimate up to him that he didn’t respect.”
Question for you: If the man in questions was someone you just wanted to have sex with, would you view it as “something much more personal and intimate?” It was still sex.
I would think long and hard about that man’s expectations and if he was looking for more from me then just sex. My responsibility wouldn’t be just to myself and what I wanted when it comes to an interaction with another individual. It wouldn’t be right for me to only think of myself even if I have no commitment to this other person. Since I an engaging in an interaction with them, the right thing to do, the respectful thing to do, is to evaluate both our needs and where we are and if we are different wave lengths and… Read more »
And just to add, I have been in situations where I knew the man wanted more from me and I made the choice to forgo my own pleasure (sometimes sexual and sometimes regarding other things like flattering attention and being spoiled with nice dinners and gifts which I knew would have been the out come if I stuck around) out of respect for him so that I didn’t lead him on or waste his time just because I wanted to feel good all for myself. I had a responsbility to myself and to him to have some integrity and think… Read more »
So basically the woman in question has entitlement and is hurt because the relationship didn’t go her way? He enjoyed it, why the focus on him enjoying sex? Does she enjoy the sex too?
I think you sound pretty cruel here Archy. What is entitled about a woman who is really interested in a man she wishes things to go further with? The reality is that even today, there are certain things that men can take advantage of with women and things women can take advantage of with men. In general, both genders don’t want to be used for something base and shallow. And yes, having sex with someone you barely know and probably don’t want to get to know any further , while may be biological, is certainly shallow. You totally missed my… Read more »
The woman has sex with the EXPECTATION that more will happen? and if it doesn’t, she feels used, cheated, etc. Unless they’re specifically talked about dating more, what right does SHE have to expect more when that type of relationship hasn’t been discussed? Cruel is placing the fault on the man because she didn’t discuss her needs upfront. Yeah he’s also at fault for not saying he only wanted sex. The fact you see these casual flings as men getting more out of the deal than the woman does says quite a bit, Erin. It appears to be an attempt… Read more »
“I think you sound pretty cruel here Archy. What is entitled about a woman who is really interested in a man she wishes things to go further with? ”
Simple answer, it’s not that she’s interested in a man, it’s being interested, wanting more, sleeping with the guy who WITHOUT saying what you want and he hasn’t said anything about a future AND THEN getting mad about it. Expecting a relationship to occur without any discussion of it, just sex, that is the entitlement. Hoping one occurs ISN’T entitlement however, hope that clears it up.
@Erin “8ball, a woman who is interested in a man, lets her physical feelings play out with him, only to come and find that he had sex, enjoyed himself, and doesn’t want her for anything else, will infact feel like she gave up something. And I am not talking about “gave up sex”, in some outdated purtanical idealogy.” No, that is exactly what you are talking about. Women need to stop “assuming” a relationship will occur. The default setting for these types of interactions should be “no relationship forthcoming.” because unless something has been discussed beforehand, nobody is entitled to… Read more »
That’s a good point and it’s why I would argue many women might want to consider being more discriminating about who they sleep with, unless they actually want to have totally casual sex with guys who don’t really care about them one way or the other (some women are okay with that, I don’t judge anyone).
8ball, I think I have previously talked about the responsbility that I believe women have when interacting with men they like and sex. I infact believe too many women jump into sex too soon and don’t give a man the oppurtunity to prove if he is really worth it. But women are human beings and sometimes their feelings get the best of them and if they really like a guy, they sometimes make the mistake of sleeping with him too soon. This is somethign I believe a lot of women should be careful about and should do their hardest not… Read more »
” There are way too many women sleeping with guys that have done nothing to earn it ” Really? And what exactly constitutes “earning it”? Hmm? Planning fun activities? Paying for dinner? Buying her shiney things? This is what I’M sick of. A man by himself is never good enough, a man’s sexuality is never good enogh. In fact a man’s sexuality is the exact opposite, when a man has sex with a woman, he’s actually taking something from her- like a parasite, so he has to compensate for that in other ways. No. That’s bullshit. I’m tired of the… Read more »
Yeah the idea of earning is it a bit insulting…Although she may mean something different to what we are thinking. I guess even women have to earn sex, intimacy, love, relationships from men too by showing they’re a decent person, attractive, this or that. So for the guys she’s talking about the women have already earned it by being attractive physically, mentally, whatever and for the women the bar could be higher so the men have to jump through more hoops or tick off different checkboxes. What troubles me the most is the idea of women giving sex to men… Read more »
“. What troubles me the most is the idea of women giving sex to men instead of both sharing sex, it acts like men’s sexuality is worth far less and quite frankly I find that insulting. If a man n a woman have some casual sex then they both shared their sexuality, she didn’t give him her sexuality, if she expects more than what was offered and not discussed or agreed upon then wouldn’t she be entitled and dispectful of him??”
This. This is what I’ve been saying.
How do women pay a bigger price for their sexuality? “The reality is that very very few men are so honest with women that they say, “Hey, you’re hot, I just want to have sex and probably won’t feel like even talking to you ever again. You good with that?” No, most men don’t do that.” Do you mean on first meeting them? If so then it would rarely/if ever work. Even saying Hey, you’re hot/attractive/whatever, I’d like to have a relationship/date and see how it goes probably wouldn’t go down well. Telling a woman straight away you want to… Read more »
@Erin….I really do not think the woman did anything wrong. After this first date, it should be clear to the man that she is not interested in him. It was a first date Erin and she got a free nice meal. But if she is not interested in him from jump street ,then perhaps he should have known so. But certainly, he knows now or at least should. If this were to continue in a deliberate way on her part, then I would say she is acting inappropriately. If she is not interested, then she should simply “friend zone him”… Read more »
I can see what your saying. I agree that if she goes out on a date with a man she isn’t sure about and is getting to know, her simply going to dinner and him paying isn’t offensive. But if she knows she isn’t really interested in him and just wants the free dinner and conversation, to me, it’s a different matter. In a perfect world, we would all correctly know a person’s level of interest in us. But warm smiles, laughter and good times doesn’t always mean someone wants to see you again. Men and women don’t always interpret… Read more »
“It’s always so strange to me how many men will be very strict on their rules involving promises to women and committment but sex they will readily take the oppurtunity for sex. They don’t want to commit to a woman but they want her to make herself vulnerable enough to let him put a part of himself inside her body. To me, it seems backwards.” But do not women want to have sex too? You make it seem as if we all trick and manipulate women into sex. A woman is NOT going to have sex with a man whom… Read more »
“But do not women want to have sex too? You make it seem as if we all trick and manipulate women into sex. A woman is NOT going to have sex with a man whom she is NOT attracted to. Right? ” I noticed that too. Women are responsible for their happiness here. Are the women truly getting the right signals, or are they taking any signal of attraction they get and clinging onto it, projecting hope that something more will happen and then getting hurt because they misread them? I can understand a person being upset if the guy… Read more »
You cannot be so intimate as to have sex with someone and not have emotions involved. Its impossible. If a woman has emotionless sex with booty call guy does it mean she has no negative or positive feelings about herself or the guy after?
FWB relationships and F-buddies are still relationships, sometimes quite long term relationships. Keep that in mind. A woman might be okay with that kind of relationship if it is upfront and honest. There’s still a friendship and an emotional connection (usually).
My responses have nothing to do with women that have fuck buddies or booty call guys. I was very clear that I am talking about the situation where a woman has sex with a man she wants more from, but he doesn’t want more from her. I never said women didn’t enjoy sex and I never said that women were not capable of having fuck buddies. I am sorry you don’t care to understand certain parts of women. But while it may seem idiotic to you, it’s not to a lot of women. You either care about working with women… Read more »
I agree it would feel awful. Why aren’t these women discussing what they want from the relationship? If it’s that big of a deal, wouldn’t you discuss it before having sex? If you have sex with someone without saying what you want from the relationship and they haven’t either then you have every right to feel hurt but what you seem to be saying really boils down to women are expecting more from the relationship at hand and are crushing themselves bigtime when it doesn’t work out that way (on top of the hurt of liking someone that doesn’t want… Read more »
@ Jules I think it also depends on circumstance. If he met her at a bar or club, it’s different than if he met her at a mutual friend’s birthday party. If she reasonably knows that his desire is to have sex with her or establish a long term romantic relationship then she was using him even on the first date, if she had already ruled out romantic involvement. If she knew he was taking her to an expensive restaurant prior to accepting the date, she should reasonably know it held romantic intentions. He not being smart enough to figure… Read more »
This is my take. If a man asks a woman out, she will most likely assume that the man either wants to have sex with her, wants to establish a long term romantic relationship with her and eventually have sex with her, or is taking her out as a friend. If he calls her the next day and wants to go out again, she can reasonably rule out the third option unless he told her he’s new in town and doesn’t know anyone. If she just met him for the first time at a club, bar, or any pick up… Read more »
John, I appreciate your breakdown of all this, and every time you talk about making an assumption I cringe. It screams lack of communication. All the wisdom in the world still won’t even get you close to fully understanding what another person assumes, but there’s good news. You don’t have to assume, you can communicate. The problem isn’t our assumptions, it’s that we lack the courage to say what we feel.
You’re talking about explicit communication in interpersonal interactions. To be honest, I haven’t formulated a coherent opinion on this. Some feminists have suggested that people should ask for direct explicit consent prior to engaging in any sexual activity. They’ve suggested that direct, explicit consent needs to be attained for every escalation or modification to the sex act. That should reduce the instances of sexual assault, but I think sex would become too automated (I can’t find the proper term). Since consent can be withdrawn at any time, I don’t know how feminists factor that in. There are other forms of… Read more »
I don’t think the article was placing the responsibility for how men behave onto women, but rather pointing out that it is a woman’s responsibility to demand the treatment they want from a man, not to tolerate negative traits and behaviors. The sentiment was reiterated multiple times, that a woman has to be able to “walk away” from a relationship where the man is not bringing enough to the table. I think this is in response to a general sentiment that women have this distaste for certain behaviors that men typically demonstrate and rather than calling them out on it… Read more »
Jon said: “I don’t think the article was placing the responsibility for how men behave onto women, but rather pointing out that it is a woman’s responsibility to demand the treatment they want from a man, not to tolerate negative traits and behaviors.”
I think you said that really articulately. And I agree.
I totally agree with you Jon and Erin, this article places 100% responsibility on women, it’s an article for women, talking TO women. When I write articles for men, I put 100% responsibility on men. For you to really understand this article, you must be able to fully take a woman’s perspective, and let go of yours. Why would an article TO women get published at the good MAN project? We all want to understand women, and we all know women who could use this kind of advice, so who better to deliver it to her than a man? For… Read more »
It’s a wonderful thing when you can reflect upon your life and arrive at a conclusion that you fully understand yourself and what you need to make you happy. Unfortunately, this epiphany can be elusive for many and often adjusts as time passes, priorities change and lives merge. It is a process full of error and I think too many people put too much emphasis on finding “the one” that as soon as they find someone with real potential, they hitch their wagon to that cart forever. Sometimes that doesn’t work out and the subsequent downfall of the relationship tends… Read more »
Dave, if men want high quality women, then those men should act with high quality themselves. I see a lot of guys that want high quality women yet will take any sexual oppurtunity they can and hold it against women all the same.
This canard; guys tricking women in order to get into their pants is tired and probably sexist.
90% of the women, over the age of 3, are half a dozen steps ahead of me when I say hello.
Please, women, play these ” the brute seduced me” games with your mother, your priest and the guy who really wants a relationship with you- but not with yourself…..
“This canard; guys tricking women in order to get into their pants is tired and probably sexist.”
Unless it was rape, then it was consensual. I hate this “men just want to get in my pants garbage”, as if the woman is asexual.
If it was consensual ( and I do hope so), it means she agree to it. Case closed!
Sorry but guys play the game as well as women can. “Trick”, would be a matter of opinion. But it’s certainly a fine line I see men tow when it comes to sex. If 4 year olds are a step ahead of you J.A Drew, I give you my condolenzes. But I find something ironic in your attitude about female responsibility while at the same time proclaiming women over the age of 3 are steps ahead of you. Exactly where is your responsibility in all that if even 4 year olds are more accountable then you are? Also, I am… Read more »
He might be referring to women maturing faster than men? But even then men catch up in their 20’s when the brain’s are fully developed around 24ish for both.
By fine line, do you mean a fine line close to rape?
@Erin- I’m kind of a nature as opposed to nurture guy… I’ll look it up if you want….
The guy who mates the most in packs of bonobos is the #3 male- while alpha and beta are beating hell out of each other, he and the females are having fun… So the females are hard wired for trickery… I don’t say 4 yr olds are more accountable than ‘I am, I’m just saying I keep bringing knife to a gun fight, and a dull one at that.
Life is social engineering.
Archy, no I don’t mean a fine line close to rape. I mentioned rape because I wanted to be clear since J.A. Drew made a comment about the “brute” seducing a woman. I mean the fine line between how men can use certain “tricks” to charm the other gender to get what they want without sincerity. Such as sex. Then they step back and throw their hands palms up while saying, “hey not my fault. I didn’t promise anything.” He might not have promised anything but he probably wasn’t totally honest with her either. He probably never was so direct… Read more »
@erin- I’m 98% chimpanzee & so are you- ok I’m 99% and you may be just 97%. Here is a little nature/ nurture game: Including yourself, how many people do you know who have been injured by cars? How many people do you know who shriek & recoil upon seeing a car? Now run the same analysis substituting spiders, snakes, rats, dogs… For cars. I used to be a nurture supporter and then as the years went by I observed how we fall prey to our genes. I know this is unpopular as it infers a bit of responsibility… Read more »
We grow accustomed to vehicles over time, spend enough time around snakes, etc and the fear usually dies down as well. Quite a lot of people are afraid of the water when they first go for a swim but they get used to it and confident with it.
If she didn’t expect more for sex, she can’t get tricked since then sex for sex would be expected.
The “trick” is to allow her to believe she will get more than orgasm for orgasm…she, wants him to be much more than an orgasm though he will likely be left with nothing but an orgasm in the “trade”
Women need to realize that any guy she regards as entirely suited in every way will have dozens of younger, hotter women than her lining up for.
In sane, traditional societies, this is taught. In America, for some reason, it is kept secret.
Women just don’t get it! It is truly as if they are really stupid. They throw themselves at these men and these guys have harems. The problem is women have a very narrow perspective on what men are deemed attractive. Most women find only a few men attractive. Only a few. So, you have the same women chasing after the same few men. It starts in college and high school. Most women are going to toss 50% of the men they NEVER meet based on their strict ( and very limiting) perception of attractiveness. Even women who are unattractive think… Read more »
Well, jeez, I’ve met tons of guys who have very little to offer, yet they only pursue the most attractive women, then are bitter because those women won’t date them. Only wanting to date people you are attracted to is not a phenomenon confined to women. I don’t see a lot of guys wanting to settle for women who aren’t attractive.
Sure, but there’s also a massive deficiency in both sexes regarding what people REALLY want. Most men and women define their desires by what others desire — it’s a natural course of action, right? You see others in a successful marriage/relationship/sexual encounter and want to emulate that. Discovering what we all individually need takes a lot of time — and an even greater amount of resistance to the societal pressure to “date up”. I actually admire the men and women that are willing to eschew the need to find someone that is universally attractive (physically) in order to meet someone… Read more »
@me@…I do not go after the women who are “universally’ attractive. In my world, 80% of all women between the age 18-60 are attractive. Obviously, many are married/taken or lesbian, but when I see them, I view them as attractive. As a rule I avoid these ultra attractive women. I will allow the other men to battle over them…. I love women of all types, shades, colors, races,..etc. They are all beautiful in my world. The differences in skin, hair, size, feel, softness…are all things that appeal to me. After the initial physical appeal, I like the smile, personality, intelligence,… Read more »
@Sarah…The difference is most men view MOST women as attractive enough to date.
Most women view MOST other women as unattractive. Weird but true. Most women view themselves as a 9-10 while other women are viewed as a 5-6.
When you say these men have little to offer, what do you mean? Material? Careers?
Just asking.
I’m not sure I agree that men in general view most women as attractive enough to date. I’m no hottie, and I’ve certainly never had guys flocking around me. But be that as it may, what do I mean by mn who have little to offer. I’m talking about guys who are physically unattractive, overweight, have no interesting hobbies or passions in life, can’t hold a conversation if their life depended on it, and dress like slobs. I’m not talking about money although I will not deny that many women like guys with money. But I live in Silicon Valley… Read more »
Perhaps it is a California thing with the men. “I’m talking about guys who are physically unattractive, overweight, have no interesting hobbies or passions in life, can’t hold a conversation if their life depended on it, and dress like slobs.” This is pretty horrible if a guy cannot meet these very very minimal requirements. I have to agree with you. I would not bother either! Men today do not take a lot of pride in their attire. Honestly, very few men really know how to dress. Frankly, most have very boring dress. Of all men, the gay men dress the… Read more »
OKCupid did a study which showed men generally rate women’s attractiveness on a bell curve; whereas, women rate men INCREDIBLY harshly with more than half of all men being rated as unattractive.
Yeah. I read somewhere (don’t have a source, so take it for what it is) that women tended to rate 80% of men as bellow average in attractiveness.
Correct. Most women find only a FEW men attractive.
I think this is at the root of the frustration(s) for a lot of women. They cannot let go of that idealized view of the man of their dreams.
LOL. I hear not tonight dear all the time, when it comes to communication which is my sex/connection language. LOL. No dear, not tonight I’m stress, I’m tired and had a rough day, I’ve a headache but hey lets go have sex. Take care of me while I don’t desire to take care of you. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. We all are idiots, both male and female.
I find myself agreeing with the detractors more than the supporters of this article, and I think it has to do with the notion of “demand.” One has the “right” to set whatever standards one sees fit for a significant other. No arguments. But from this the author seems to derive the notion that since one has the right to set standards one has a right to have those standards met. This is still not an entirely problematic statement depending on how “right to” is defined since I would argue that everyone deserves to have a fulfilling relationship. Where the… Read more »
It’s interesting how you interpreted this, I never saw it from that angle. To me the demand is actually the woman demanding the kind of relationship she wants, not her demanding that the man change. I can see where this may be confusing though.
Oh, I forgot: this article reminds me of the good old Hugo Schwytzer (women are right and saintly, men are faulty and to blame, etc…).
But Hugo was a pleasure to read (brilliant, cultured, thoughtful), even when I disagreed with him (most of the time), while this article is just cliché and annoying.
Then why did you read it to the end?
“There is nothing sexier than a woman who has the confidence to call us out and challenge us to rise up.” False. There’s nothing sexier than a woman that has that confidence AND is willing to stand alongside a man that takes charge in becoming a better boyfriend, spouse, lover, and partner — to support him in his efforts, and to be encouraging and honest as he does so. A woman that bails after throwing a jab at his ego, emasculating him and leaving him in his own ashes, is operating on a socially-acceptable form of cruelty that I’ve never… Read more »
((…a woman that takes charge in …..))
Supporting, encouraging her honestly is one thing, being told what to be & how to behave, act,watch, hangout with,dress,eat,… etc!! Is another thing miss m@ !!!
Although being a partner in a relationship involves all these things & more, the idea of over looking all the differences between herself & her chosen so called perfect man in the beginning of the relationship((hoping to change & train him later)) by demanding, nagging, manipulating her so called perfect man is not only cruel, it’s down right dishonest, hypocritical, mean spir
I don’t know way my last comment got changed??? But let met try & rewrite it again & hopefully it will be as I sent it ((..a woman that takes charge in..)) Supporting & encouraging her honestly is one thing, being told what to be & how to behave & act, what to watch, who to hangout with, what to eat & dress,…. is another thing miss m@ !!! Although being in a relationship involves all these things & more , the socially acceptable behaviour of women in which they ignore all the differences between themselves & the so called… Read more »
Not sure if we’re aligning here, NBI. And P.S., I’m a Mister. 🙂
Support and encouragement are absolutely non-negotiable on both parties. Where both men and women can exhibit love — and, yes, sexiness — is by standing alongside his/her partner as they walk through the stages that allow them to learn how to love one another in tangible, effective ways.
This only prepares a couple for the inevitable shot to the gut each will experience over the longevity of a relationship, whether it’s one forgetting the other’s birthday or together discovering their infertility.
That is not what I wrote & sent! !!!
This site & it’s constant refreshing, no correction or erasing abilities is very frustrating. 🙁 🙁
No worries.
Best suggestion — write out your comment in an email, a Word document, etc. and then cut n’ paste into the comment field if the refreshing is bugging ya.
So basically the author took a problem with women (that women complain about men yet are unwilling to leave the relationships they are unsatisfied with), and turned it into a problem with men (that men are.. I dunno, lazy and unmotivated except by threats that their woman will leave?).
We could also just take all the gendering BS out of this and say: If you aren’t happy, express what you want and be willing to leave if the relationship isn’t working for you.
@Drew Morrison: “If you aren’t happy, express what you want and be willing to leave if the relationship isn’t working for you.”
YES!
That is the gist of the article and – of course – it’s true only if applied to BOTH genders equally.
Whenever I read an article like this (and there is some good advice in it) , I have to ask “How exactly does this make men good”. This is GMP afterall.
There’s just so much wrong with this. I can see where you’re coming from, and ever where you were going. But you managed to end up in “Men are lazy children who would do nothing if it weren’t for women” territory.
Alternate hypothesis: Complaints about the lack of “real men” are BS and you could hear the same about women if you went down to the local pub.
@Peter Houlihan: “Complaints about the lack of “real men” are BS and you could hear the same about women if you went down to the local pub.”
Oh-so-true.
This article is “pub material”, whining and blaming that you could hear anywhere.
I’m used to expect more from the GMP… 😕
Should I demand it?!?
I am wondering how an article asking women to change would go down? Rewarding bad behaviour is a bad idea, I agree. If someone is being lazy and not helping, then continuing to reward them won’t help. But it’s not always that simple, it could be that they are highly stressed, depressed, unfit, aren’t helping out because they get criticized every time they do, etc. I’d exhaust other methods before simply leaving someone over lazyness. Demanding a better person without also changing yourself to be that better person will probably end up with that person being alone. You have to… Read more »
Well said. My first thought on reading this was “Men should do the same… and in fact, they are. They’re expecting better of women than they’re getting, and they’ve expressing this displeasure by staying out of the dating and relationships seem.”
Women should take a good hard look at themselves and consider why they think they deserve a ‘better man.’ What have you got to offer in return, ladies?
“Could men as a whole step up their game and bring more to the table? Hell yes they could, but complaining gets you nowhere. Here’s what most people don’t accept.” Men work longer than women, by about half an hour when you add housework and paid work. How exactly do you want men to lift their game? ht tp://www.businessnewsdaily.com/2758-men-women-work-housework.html We have a crisis in education where boys are falling behind, universities are at what, 60%female 40% male ratio or more? It’s only recently I believe that people have started to understand that far more men are depressed than previously believed… Read more »
“If there are an equal amount of men and women available yet women are more often complaining about the quality of the males then possibly women’s standards are too high.” It’s also possible that their using outdated or the wrong standards. When women earned $20,000 a year, a man who earned $50,000 a year was a good provider. Now that women earn $50,000 a year they think a good provider earns $100,000 a year. Maybe they shouldn’t measure a man’s worth in simply financial terms. Can he make her smile when she’s sad? Does she enjoy his company, his conversation,… Read more »
“If there is less demand, supply goes down, if there is more demand, supply goes up.” Uh no, demand and supply are fixed independent of each other while prices adjust to clear the imbalance. You mean: demand falls + supply remains constant = prices goes down; demand rises + supply remains constant = prices rise. But then, having corrected the economics, I’m not sure how to extrapolate market commodification onto relationships as you are doing here. Even with the flawed foundation, suggesting that men are simple-minded lower life-forms awaiting the appropriate “training” by women in order become fully functioning upright… Read more »
Indeed, I hate seeing this kind of relationship advice article which claims to be able to explain the entire mechanics of human relationships by over-simplifying and mis-applying economic theories.
Incidentally, here’s what this article sounds like coming from the other side. Ladies who thought this article was “fabulous” and/or think PUA is creepy and assholish please take note
http://regender.com/swap/https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-good-life-ladies-demand-what-you-want/
Haha, that site is awesome.
I love regender.com. It’s my favorite tool for discussions like this, and one of the quickest ways to find out if an argument holds water.