“In the absence of elders, the impetuosity of youth becomes the slow death of the community.” Jed Diamond takes his grandson on a rite of passage.
I wrote recently about my preparations to take my 15 year-old grandson, Deon, for a four day, young men’s rites of passage, retreat. It was truly an adventure of a life-time for both of us and want to share a bit about the experience with you.
I’ve long believed that mentoring is critical to the well-being of our children and grandchildren, particularly the young men. It’s also critical to the well-being of our communities. Many years ago I attended a mentoring workshop with ritual elder, Malidoma Somé. He said, “Elders and mentors have an irreplaceable function in the life of any community. Without them, the young are lost—their overflowing energies wasted in useless pursuits.”
…no matter how clear our vision of what we want in life we’re not likely to be successful achieving it without a connection with mentors and a healing community.
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He went on to remind us that “old must live in the young like a grounding force that tames the tendency towards bold but senseless actions and shows them the path of wisdom. In the absence of elders, the impetuosity of youth becomes the slow death of the community.” Psychologist Robert Moore offers a chilling recognition of what happens when young men are not mentored or given initiations into manhood. He says we move from healthy masculinity to monster-boy masculinity.
Comedian Elayne Boosler offers a humorous, yet insightful assessment about the different ways males and females deal with the stresses of life. “When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” If we’re going to heal males and save humanity, there’s nothing more important than mentoring our young men.
My grandson, Deon, was dealing with a lot of stress, had few mentors in his life, and his anger was causing problems at home and at school. He had gotten in trouble with some other kids and came to the attention of the local police. His father and mother (my daughter) were divorced and his father didn’t spend a lot of time with him. I was hoping that attending the 4 day “Call to Adventure Rites of Passage Retreat,” sponsored by the Los Angeles Men’s Center, would help him at this important transition time in his life. I chose the Men’s Center Call to Adventure (CTA) because I knew it was high quality and also because they reached out to inner city Black kids between the ages 12 and 20. My first wife and I adopted Angela when she was 3 ½ months old. She’s Black and has four kids. Deon is the oldest boy.
I drove down from my home in Willits, picked Deon up at his home in Bakersfield, and headed for Los Angeles. Deon didn’t say much driving down. He’s a quiet kid. But he told me he wanted to do the retreat.
We needed a rest stop so I pulled off the freeway in Encino and stopped at a small park. I had remembered it from my childhood. It was a place my father had taken me numerous times before I was five years old. I thought we might get inspiration from being there, but was not prepared for what my grandson had to say as we sat in the grass. “You said you were interested in some kind of rite of passage from boyhood to manhood. What is it you’re wanting to get from the experience?” I wanted to know.
I expected his usual shake of the head or an “I don’t know.” But what he said was amazingly clear and concise. “I want three things,” he told me. “I need guidance. I also want more confidence. And I want respect.” I told him I thought with that kind of clarity and desire he would get what he wanted.
I also asked him what he thought the qualities of a good man were for him. Again, I was surprised by his insights and vision. He gave me seven things he associated with being a good man.
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A good man takes care of himself and his family.
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A good man is a working man and has a job.
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A good man knows what’s right and what is wrong.
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If he’s right a good man stands up for himself, but doesn’t make the other person wrong.
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A good man apologizes when he’s wrong.
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A good man helps people when they need help.
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A good man always has a back-up plan.
I’ve learned from many years of experience that no matter how clear our vision of what we want in life we’re not likely to be successful achieving it without a connection with mentors and a healing community. I had chosen this rite of passage experience because of the connection I’ve had with the founder of the Los Angeles Men’s Center, Dr. Stephen Johnson. I’ve known Stephen for more than 25 years and have found him to be one of the most grounded and compassionate men I know. He’s written a wonderful book, The Sacred Path: The Way of the Spiritual Warrior, that gathers his experiences working with men and providing Rites of Passage for both young males and adult men over the last 35 years.
“Our young males are yearning for a sense of belonging,” says Johnson. “Inner city youth, succumbing to the dramatic absence of fathering and mentoring, turn to urban gangs for a sense of belonging. Males from privileged and underprivileged backgrounds often perceive acquisitions as the measure of manhood.” Johnson started offering the Call to Adventure retreats 14 years ago to make a difference in the lives of young men and older mentors.
When we arrived at the site for the retreat, I was knocked out by the peace, serenity, and beauty of the place. It’s located on a bluff 800 feet above Camp Hess Kramer and the Pacific coast and boasts spectacular views of the ocean, Channel Islands and surrounding Santa Monica Mountains. It triggered memories from when I attended U.C. Santa Barbara and was embarking on my own journey to manhood.
A good setting can go a long way towards a good experience and I was looking forward to seeing how the place would interact with the people and the program. We had arrived early and a staff member welcomed us and invited us to help build the sweat lodge which would be part of the ceremonial experience we would take part in later.
I was tired from the drive, but Deon volunteered right away and went off with the guys to help. It turned out that the sweat lodge became one of the cornerstone experiences for Deon in the weekend. Our group participated the next day. We listened to Inipi Sweat Lodge Ceremony leader Thomas Alvarez describe the way in which the sweat lodge was used by native peoples throughout the world to cleanse, pray, and ask for guidance.
One of the young men who had participated in a number of previous CTA retreats encouraged our group of adults and young men prior to going into the lodge. “This may be a new experience for many of you and it’s not the kind of thing most of us have done where we come from,” he told us. “But it can be a very powerful way of asking for guidance and getting support. It will be hot and dark and your natural tendency may be to get away as fast as you can, but hang in there if you can and you’ll get something important.”
He also told us that sometimes we sweat for others who are carrying a lot pain and difficulty in their lives but can’t be there. He said he was doing this for himself and also for his twin brother who was in prison. I thought of my daughter Angela and her family and wanted to help carry some of the burden of the pain she lived with every day as she dealt with the stresses of her family life.
There were “four rounds” to the experience and Thomas guided our prayers and sang to the spirits. It got very, very hot, but Deon and most of the others hung in there. By the end we all felt cleansed, had been forced to deal with our fears, and felt stronger for having gone through the experience together. After dinner that evening we met in small “tribal” groups with 10-15 adult mentors and kids.
We went around the circle and talked a bit about why we were here. Deon opened up immediately and told the group, “I’m lost in my life and I need guidance.” Young and old knew what he meant and many opened up to their own feelings of being lost. For the first time I had a deep experience of the violence that so many of these kids live with every day. One boy talked about killings he had seen in his neighborhood and Deon also talked about people he knew who had been killed. Another young boy said that didn’t want a lot in life, just to know that he would survive another day.
Steve Branker, one of the Men’s Center organizers said, “The pressures that these young men face in everyday life are astounding. Instead of primarily dealing with such things as schoolwork and girlfriends, they are dealing with whether or not they will come back alive after they walk out of their homes each day.”
I thought to myself, “God, they’re so small and what they are dealing with is so big.” I felt the terrible loss and pain that so many experience, but also the courage they had to break free of the life of violence and to reach for something better. I felt deeply blessed to be able to share this experience with my grandson and the other mentors who were committed to helping these kids survive their childhood and grow into adults who had something they could look forward to in life.
The next day we had the opportunity to confront the Ropes Course where leaders from Fulcrum, Inc. engaged us in taking risks to stretch ourselves and to celebrate their motto of Do, Risk, Grow and cultivate the potential greatness of each individual and the group as a whole. It was inspiring to see kids and adults reaching past their fear to test themselves and their limits.
As we gathered for our final goodbyes Stephen reminded us about why we were here and what we still had to accomplish. “Our boys, young men, and our mature men are calling on us to explore with clarity what the role of fathers, grandfathers, and mentors should be. If we do not provide a sacred role for our boys as they grow, they are more likely to join a gang, abuse their lovers, abandon their wives and children, subsist in emotional isolation, and become addicted, hyper-materialistic, lonely, and unhappy.”
“A boy needs a structure and discipline in which to learn who he is. He needs to live a journey that has clear responsibilities and goals. He needs a role in life. Without these, without the role training that accompanies these, he does not know his sacred and important objectives in life.” Deon leaned over and whispered to me, “Can I come back next year?”
“If you want to come back, we’ll make it happen,” I told him. “And maybe we’ll get your dad and younger brother to come as well. What do you think?” He just smiled and nodded his head.
If you’d like to learn more about these important programs for mentoring young men, visit the Men’s Center website.
Read more on Mentoring & Volunteering.
Images courtesy of the author
You’re right, Erin. Though our longer programs through the Men’s Center Los Angeles are designed for fathers and sons, father gap boys and mentors, we have held some one-day programs for fathers and daughters as well as older and younger men and women. We called these programs Gatherings at the Well. I have also facilitated one-day programs just for women. We have found them to be fairly successful but have also found our strong suit to be the workshops and retreats for men and our Call to Adventure Rites of Passage retreats. There are organizations that offer programs similar to… Read more »
Mentoring is so important. And I think it’s just as important for the child as it is the adult. It can give the adult a sense of responsibility and self-awareness about their own contribuations. Jed, I think men mentoring boys is SO SO important. But I also think there could be programs where men can mentor young girls too. Adult men have something important and worthy to offer both young boys AND girls. And of course, vice versa. While I think the major focus should be same sex mentoring, young boys and young girls miss out from not also having… Read more »
This is a bit off topic from the original…and is absolutely NOT meant as any sort of critique or criticism. I tend to make critical comments, but that is not what this is. I’m just really trying to emphasize that. I just figured this would be the place to ask this question: What are the mentoring programs for young women and girls? I totally agree that mentoring is really important and this program sounds absolutely amazing. But like, you said you have long believed mentoring is essential…particularly for young men. But why, “particularly” for young men? Why do we have… Read more »
Honestly I think this happens because all those efforts are pointed at boys under the premise that they are screw ups that need correcting or some thought along the lines of “looking at the way men are turning out these days boys need to be shown how to avoid that”.
Danny, I don’t believe boys are “screw ups” just because they are boys. I think too many of our young boys, and in different ways our young girls, are missing the kind of guidance that is needed for them to grow up to be loving and productive adults. It’s not their fault. It’s really anyone’s fault. As a culture we have become increasingly disconnected. The job of all of us at this stage of human history is to reconnect with our deepest selves first of all, then with our mates, our children, grandchildren, and communities.
Heather, You’re right, we’ve lost the type of mentoring and Rites of Passage for girls as well. Girls also need guidance and support from the women in the community, in addition to what they get from their parents. As we’ve gotten more disconnected from the Earth, from our communities, and from each other, everyone suffers. Its time we reconnected on all levels and gave ourselves and our children the love and support we all need.
I’ll throw a feminist perspective on it (because of course I will). I think part of the problem is how we kind of assume girls already know how to be women. Like…that girls are just young women, whereas boys must become young men. If you get what I’m saying.
Could it be that we are overstating the importance of and impact of mentors? The single most important relationship in a child’s life is the one at home, period. No matter how much work is done from the outside It can all be undone if home life is bad. Taki9ng a boy to manhood is a daily affair and one must be available 24/7 to the child to have long-lasting impact. These programs are sexy, provide lots of good information for academics to write lots of papers and are well meaning…and naïve.
Ogwriter, spoken like a true mentor.
Ogwriter, I agree that parents are vital to the growth and well being of children. I have 5 children and 13 grandchildren and know well that it is a 24/7 job. I also know that mentoring for children with caring adults other than parents is a practice that has been built into human cultures throughout history. Just as we’ve lost a lot of the care and support that parents need to show, we’ve also lost a lot of the mentoring that is needed. In my mind we need more of both and our children need parenting and mentoring.
Jed; I am not suggesting that mentoring doesn’t have a place or that under some conditions, ceremonies that mark the transition aren’t also beneficial. i am a mentor in a tough urban environment,I grew up in and around some of the worst ghettos in the SF bay area, I have been robbed at gunpoint and I helped to raise three successful-at least by American standards- adults. I My point is that in my experience, down here with my boots on the ground, parenting is the key. Studies, for what they are worth, demonstrate that if a child comes from a… Read more »
Excellent article. In the 1990s, I completed a Master’s thesis that examined rites of passage in American literature. There was a pretty clear distinction in the texts. Those characters who grew up with ceremonial rites of passages or strong adult mentors (Huck Finn, Nick Adams, Ike McCaslin) fared far better than some of their modern counterparts trying to figure things out on their own (Holden Caulfield, Harry ‘Rabbit’ Angstrom, Sal Paradise).
@Frank Migliore: I thought the point to this article was to discuss the needs of the boy’s? Too often these efforts are nothing more than career builders for academics like yourself who wish to write books and thesis for grad school.
Frank, thanks for the comments. Your thesis on Rites of Passage in Literature sounds fascinating. I’d enjoy reading it. Tell us more about what you’re doing. You can email me.