Mark Radcliffe was once an elite cyclist who looked up to Lance Armstrong as a role model. Now he knows what a dirty sport it’s always been.
As has been widely reported the last few weeks, 20th-century cycling messiah Lance Armstrong is being brought up on multiple doping charges by USADA, and it’s possible that, though he’s dodged doping accusations many times before, this time, he might truly go down, and not only lose his 7 Tour de France titles, but his superhero legacy in general if found guilty.
And I have to admit, as a former racer myself, I’m a little heartbroken over it all.
I’m old enough now (and well-read enough) to know that cycling has been a dirty sport for years, and certainly Lance wouldn’t be the only cycling big-shot to be found guilty of performance- enhancing drugs. Hell, the sport had riders doing cocaine back in the late 1800s.
But I wasn’t always so enlightened, and following the growing charges against Lance over the years has been a little bit like slowly realizing maybe Santa Claus doesn’t really exist. That the world is a more corrupt and illusory place than I thought. And as a man (and athlete) who looked up to Lance for many years, it feels like the final, reluctant acknowledgement that maybe not all heroes are who they truly appear.
I’m certainly not the first person to write about Lance’s complicated status as an (alleged) doper, but it has unique meaning to me because I was a top cyclist myself once, many years ago. As an elite junior cyclist, I was the Maine State Champion at 16, a top New England racer, and even beat future Tour de France star Tyler Hamilton once back in the day. But I gave it all up before I got to college, simply overwhelmed by how much sacrifice the sport took. I loved cycling–for a couple hours. But not 4, 5 or 6 hours a day, which is what it takes to be a top talent.
So I got out of the sport before I would learn about any of its darker side. I never even knew about the small “performance enhancements” like caffeine pills that college racers took, or diet pills and amphetamines. Much less the full-scale commitments of blood doping, testosterone and EPO that my countless competitive cycling friends swear all top pros are (probably) doing.
I went off to my life as a writer, teacher and musician and simply stayed a recreational cyclist. I was a huge fan of Greg Lemond when I was a rider in the late 80’s, and first heard of Lance when he won the World Championships at an unheard-of 21. I was a senior in college at the time–it was unthinkable that someone so young was so good. So when years later he came out of his death sentence of testicular/ brain/ lung cancer and won his first Tour, I was a born-again cycling fan. And finally for his 5th & 6th victories, I’d gotten back in top cycling shape, dropped 20 pounds and traveled to France for the summers and cycled around the country following the Tour. I blogged about it on a site I called Chasing Lance. I was one of the countless Lance disciples, wearing my yellow bracelet and spreading the Gospel of Livestrong far and wide.
My admiration for Lance went beyond the fact that he stared cancer in the eye and came back stronger than ever—a living, athletic personification of kicking ass and taking names. It was for what seemed like his overall embodiment of the male ideal—a true renaissance man who was an athlete, a humanitarian, a stylish charmer in TV interviews, a casanova with the ladies, a fierce and articulate debater when confronted, and the kind of roguish guy you certainly wanted to have a beer with. His efforts to fight cancer (which to date have raised over $325 million for the cause) made him seem beyond reproach.
Surely, if ever there was a perfect embodiment of manhood, Lance was it.
And an endless array of corporate sponsors, innumerable women (his ex-wife, Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson, an Olsen Twin, who knows how many others), and countless celebs seemed to agree, Lance was the guy you wanted to be seen beside. He made us all believe that just when you think you’ve been knocked down for the count, maybe that’s when you’re about to become your best self.
But slowly, out came the accusations.
“Dopée!” screamed the French. (We could ignore them; we’d been doing it for years. Besides, it was just sour grapes—he’d embarrassed them at their own sport, right?) But more accusations came. From doping agencies, former competitors, his own sponsors, journalists publishing books. He batted them away with righteous indignation. A Nike spot even defended him: “What am I on? I’m on my bike, busting my ass 6 hours a day. What are you on?” Lance decried.
And we all bought it.
We had to.
This was a story we couldn’t do without. Not in the pale aftermath of 9/11. At a time like this, we needed heroes, and needed them badly. His devotion to cancer alone made him a saint to us.
It wasn’t until my former childhood friend Tyler Hamilton came forward on “60 Minutes” and admitted they’d all been doping for years, that I finally had to accept that the whole sport was probably a deceitful mess, just as I’d been told, but didn’t want to hear.
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Over the years, countless other cyclists that had ridden with Lance—and been beaten by him—had been found guilty of cheating or at least bounced out of the sport on suspicion alone: David Millar, Jan Ullrich, Marco Pantani, Gilberto Simoni, Danila di Luca, Roberto Heras, and then the big one: Floyd Landis. But to me, it wasn’t until my former childhood friend Tyler Hamilton came forward on “60 Minutes” (after 2 positive tests) and admitted they’d all been doping for years, that I finally had to accept that the whole sport was probably a deceitful mess, just as I’d been told, but didn’t want to hear. Tyler was the last bastion of hope in cycling—a truly honest man, it seemed, always humble in interviews, never one to brag, always sacrificing him for the team, battling through countless injuries to ride on. If he said he was doped, and that Lance sure as hell was too, well now I was convinced. And if you believe nothing else, perhaps this is the most damaging evidence of all: Lance’s average speed in his final Tour victory was the highest of all time—25.9 mph. Even now, six years later with better equipment, they’re 1.2 mph slower.
But I still clung tough to the simple notion that “Hey, it was a corrupt time, and they all were doing it, so still it was a level playing field for the most part, right?” I contented myself with the notion that, when the doping tests are so incompetent that most of the riders can dodge them, how do you not do it, too, just to not be at a disadvantage?
Lance was just another innocent born into a corrupt era, trying not to be at a disadvantage, I believed. In a culture where everyone doped, he was still was the best of all of them.
But the problem, of course, has become that no one has proclaimed his innocence as loudly as Lance, or profited so by proclaiming his integrity.
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But the problem, of course, has become that no one has proclaimed his innocence as loudly as Lance, or profited so by proclaiming his integrity. Chanting his campaign line of “I’m the most tested athlete of all time, and never tested positive” has convinced most of the masses that this case is still just a witch hunt. But those who truly study all the data and cases and interviews can’t help but conclude: Crap, he’s probably guilty as hell.
And unfortunately, Lance has been a pretty self-righteous A-hole over the years, bashing those who defied him. He’s been known to be ruthlessly vengeful to those who haven’t stayed loyal (ex trainers and assistants are some of many who’ve given testimony against him), and it appears his final comeuppance might now only be weeks away.
And I’ll be sad as hell if he’s finally found guilty.
Not because Lance was a truly nice guy (you can’t go that far without being ruthlessly selfish), but because Goddammit, most of his story is still true. He did beat cancer in a heroic way and rededicate himself to his sport and drop another 10 pounds and change his technique become a more efficient rider and emerge a new man. But it won’t be seen that way. (Not to mention his devotion to his cancer cause.) The drugs maybe gave him an extra 2%, but the world will dismiss everything he achieved as something he never actually earned.
The problem I’m reluctantly accepting is that for the sport of cyling—and hell, for me—it’s probably best if Lance goes down. Like Bonds. Like other public heroes who’ve been caught in a lie, so that perhaps the future achievers of tomorrow can have a better crack at living with virtue. Because in the end, while we love a big dramatic story, we have to care about the truth more.
The one thing that I can’t help but ponder is the simple fact that Lance never had a father. His biological father split when he was two, and though he had a step-father when his mother remarried, one wonders what that might have done to a young Lance: filled him with an intense desire to prove his worth to the world when his own father didn’t care enough to stick around? What might that do to a man? What lengths might that drive him to? Would it make him stop at nothing to assuage some hole left in his heart from his youth?
Of course, that’s all conjecture. And regardless of how you judge Lance, you have to admit his positive influence on the cancer community and the worldwide interest in cycling. But in the big discussion of what it truly is to be a man, we have to ask: if in the course of inspiring the world, you also completely lie to it, does it still count?
Who knows, maybe Lance will surprise us with one final, unexpected act of honor and confess everything. I’d honestly smile if he gave us one last, big, defiant, Jack Nicholson-esque “You can’t handle the truth” harangue of what it takes to truly compete at that level. And to help him get there, I’ll add this: You don’t have to lie for me anymore, Lance. I can take it. As you’ve always said, bring it on.
Read more Sports on The Good Men Project.
Photos courtesy of the author
An interesting comment from one of Lance’s former competitors, French Rider Christophe Bassons, who says he never doped, but doesn’t judge Lance for it: http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/bassons-wont-judge-landis-and-armstrong (continued) “I don’t like to judge or criticize anyone – not Landis, not Armstrong – because everyone has their own reasons for acting the way they do,” Bassons reasoned. “…But, again, I won’t judge. With him, I think it’s obvious there was a need for success. He didn’t have a relationship with his father, and his upbringing wasn’t easy, then I think what was already a hard character probably became more and more entrenched in… Read more »
I’m interested to see someone completely independent and without anything to gain provide some actual evidence of his alleged doping. His accusers all say we heard this or so-and-so told me, or my favorite, the ‘I was and he beat me so he MUST have been doping’ argument. Maybe he was just one of those uniquely talented and hard working individuals we see only once or twice in a lifetime. I don’t see people lining up to chase basketball legends around like this.
i would have a great deal of respect for lance if he confessed, man up a bit and all that. as it is, he’s gone for the “michael jackson” approach, rather than continue fighting, he’s said “i want this problem to go away” alas, as michael jackson found, the rumours of child molestation continued forever. in not continuing to fight his corner, people will now think lance was involved in doping, whether he was or not. if it was me, i would fight tooth and nail, as this is my life, my legacy. everyone will think he has done wrong,… Read more »
I’m not a cyclist or big into cycling, but I’ve basically thought Lance must be “dirty” for a long time now, based on how pervasive doping is in the sport and how little chance a clean rider would have against that many dopers at the elite level. I just hoped I was wrong, because I think he’s done so much good with his celebrity and it’s hard not to be inspired by the cancer survivor story, and I admire those aspects of him. It’s like the athletic version of the quandary about whether an artist you don’t like can be… Read more »
I guess i’m more sad for the sport. As with the Tiger Woods thing (and more recently with the Joe Paterno and what-did-he-know thing), I never held up any of these guys as my personal messiah, so it’s not like they had that far to fall. And the funny thing about Armstrong is that aside from that one victory at the Worlds, he was only about the Tour de France. Wouldn’t it be weird if Tiger Woods only ever won at the British Open or the Masters or Federer only won at Wimbledon? Lance is still not fit to sit… Read more »
So another one who believes he’s guilty… I thought we believed in innocence until proven guilty! Let’s wait for the verdict before dismissing one the greatest cyclists of all time…
“but because Goddammit, most of his story is still true. He did beat cancer in a heroic way and rededicate himself to his sport and drop another 10 pounds and change his technique become a more efficient rider and emerge a new man. But it won’t be seen that way. (Not to mention his devotion to his cancer cause.) The drugs maybe gave him an extra 2%, but the world will dismiss everything he achieved as something he never actually earned.” This all the way. People forget that, even if an athlete did dope, they’ve still made a massive achievement.… Read more »
I’m sorry you have lost a hero. I guess I stopped really being a fan after he left his wife and then Sheryl Crow who announced she had cancer a week later. Still I hope that people can find some things about Lance to keep them going and boost their own inner hero. Plus it is sad that in professional athletics, athletes feel compelled to take drugs. Very sad that we put people so hardly. Though I have often felt that part of our culture hurts men by making them treat their bodies as machines. Thus men are set up… Read more »
…even though it seems obvious and inevitable that he will fall. I just hope it’s really toward the good of the sport. But what happens when he loses 7 Tour titles? The guys he beat are all dopers too. Can an entire decade of really entertaining racing and results really go down the drain like that? Where will it stop? I, too will be really sad if/when it comes to pass. But hopeful that honor and trust can return to the only sport I really love.
I’m so sorry, Mark… we all need super heroes to look up to, don’t we?
It’s easy to just dismiss the snotty French journalists as a bunch of jealous haters…but yeah, we have to pull back the curtain and take a closer look at the funny man behind it…
Do we need superheroes or is that sarcasm? My 1st hero was always Audie Murphy. Just another imperfect human, but he always had traits that I aspired to. Maybe having heroes is just us looking for the best in others so as to bring out the the best in ourselves. The problem arises when we elevate the human to something much more. Or to use someone else as a crutch to justify our own inaction.
Lance is just following the code that is long established. Don’t admit anything until you get caught. No point in bringing down your empire if it’s not necessary or before its time. If you don’t like the way he’s going about it that’s fine. Maybe he get’s “caught” (whatever that looks like). Does the mea culpa. Gets denigrated by the media (which should be a badge of honor these days) and has his legacy destroyed. The good news is that after all the self-righteous “Lance betrayed us all” nonsense that the pundits will spew, we can finally stop hearing about… Read more »
Gotta say Mark I have not been a fan of Lance for quite some time, as much as I followed him with interest in his last couple attempts at the Tour kind of like people watch Tiger these days just to see if the guy can come back from such disastrous behavior. I realize that great athletes have to have a killer attitude and Lance sure had that. But biking is a sport that is so beautiful and pure that to have so much doping and so much denial is just a tragedy. He reminds me of Roger Clemens. And… Read more »
Cycling pure? Not on your life. We need to realize there are two sports: amateur cycling and elite cycling. The former is pure and beautiful; the latter is a cut-throat professional endeavor. I am a devotee of the former; my climbing legs betray me in pursuit of the latter. As with all elite sports, the athletes are going to do whatever they can, within the current rules of the sport, to gain a competitive edge. Drugs that aren’t listed? Still okay. Red cell transfusions? Still okay, as long as your hematocrit count stays under the line (my hct when I… Read more »
Thanks for adding some reality to the conversation. Getting to the truth is the only road to make things better.
Tom, it’s about cycling and attitude has always been central to it. It’s skill, strength, determination and tactics. Don’t dismiss him because you don’t like him!