Partying Doesn’t Have to Mean Risking Rape

Can we create a safer party culture for all?

Throughout my undergraduate, non-consensual sex was an issue that was around constantly, but in the beginning I never paid it much mind. It wasn’t until spending time in my boyfriend’s residence at MacEwan University that I really began to notice the existence of the mindset held by individuals like the anonymous author of “I’d Rather Risk Rape Than Quit Partying.” My party crowd at the time consisted of pseudo-hippy ravers and whether the party was held at a hall or a house, I was always surrounded by friends. These were seasoned partiers who looked after me, and I needed the protection. On many occasions I have had to be extracted from a situation. I remember one time being pulled off of a couch at a party in which I had chosen to happily snuggle in with a man I didn’t know. “Danielle what are you doing? Don’t cuddle with strangers … ” my friend said as she exasperatedly pulled me up.

The college crowd was a little different; many of the people I met were just moving out and experiencing the freedom of living away from their parents for the first time. Cookies and vodka for dinner! Kraft dinner at midnight! These are the days of our lives. Most of these young adults had not known each other for a long time. Young men and women filled the hallways on the weekend seeking those moments of transcendent bliss Anon speaks of, those “glowing memories of an intensity beyond the mundane.”

Too often among my boyfriend’s friends they would shrug off what had happened, and remain friends with people who kept having questionable sex with very intoxicated women. By doing nothing you passively encourage this behavior. Don’t be friends with rapists.

That sounds nice and all, and to be a young person is a unique and carefree experience, but the consumption of drugs and alcohol make it difficult to make safe judgments around sexual activity. Once I began to hear whispers of drunk young women being brought back to dorms and passing out—waking up shame-filled over the activities that had taken place the night before—I was confronted with a dilemma. As I was a young feminist, and rape is a vile and disgusting act, I immediately shunned the person accused of rape, and encouraged others to do the same. They didn’t. It was frustrating.

I would see these same people who had flouted a line of responsibility court other young drunken people. I remain a shameless cock-blocker in situations like that. Not because I’m a sadist who likes depriving people of fun but because, one way to prevent rape is to call a person out on questionable behavior. Too often among my boyfriend’s friends they would shrug off what had happened, and remain friends with people who kept having questionable sex with very intoxicated women. By doing nothing you passively encourage this behavior. Don’t be friends with rapists.

Desire flows strong enough in young veins that it can wait until both parties are a little more alert before progressing into uncharted sexy waters. A part of being in college or going out partying is a desire for new, and exciting sexual experiences.

I don’t mean to point to men as the only predators in this swamp. I have heard men tell me similarly disturbing stories about going home very drunk with a woman and feeling uncomfortable about the sexual experience in hindsight.

Cosmopolitan actually ran an article called “A New Kind of Date Rape” in which they explored the icky area of what is known as ‘grey rape.’ They mention experts who are positing that this ‘grey rape’—a term which deserves its own article—is a natural extension of the hook-up culture. What you need to understand most is that rape is not collateral damage from a night of drunken activity. It’s not excusable to assume that into every party a little rape must fall. That’s ridiculous. However, even the existence of terminology of rape being ‘grey’ or for that matter ‘legitimate’ points to the need for widespread education around responsible party behaviors and what consent looks like.

A common theme in many stories of drunken sexual encounters is that consent is not explicitly obtained. We’re dealing with situations where there’s no enactment of the “no means no” rule, but neither is there the explicit consent given of “yes means yes.” The “yes” needs to be from someone who is clear-headed enough to be making that decision. This buzz-kill idea actually protects both parties, so neither of you one day end up writing the sentence: “With what I have learned as an adult, I’m pretty sure I’m technically a rapist.

Like me, many people may be unaware of the gravity and frequency with which sexual assault occurs. The anonymous writer provides a clear view of the mindset of other people that you will find, out in those fun alcohol-laden (or ecstasy, coke, ketamine, etc) nightclubs or friend’s houses. It’s a mindset I experienced myself when people would shrug off the stories of drunk-to-the-point-of-passing out young women being carried into residences and penetrated by multiple partners on the common room couch.

Young men and women are beginning to learn that “yes means yes,” but what is still missing from the education young people need to avoid rape is the necessity of taking agency for ourselves. Alcohol clouds judgment, and it’s easy to find yourself in a party situation where the sexual encounter is moving too fast, whether you’re the one pushing or the one going along. We have to advocate for ourselves in these moments. You can’t rely on the other person, who could be an insensitive jerk or could be blackout drunk themselves, to allow you a chance to say no—you need to take agency.

The trouble with ‘grey rape’ is that it looks different from what we tend to think of as rape.
There are a few easy things you can do to still have fun and not end up in this situation (a special shout out to my friend Amy Gandolfi who chatted this out with me on Twitter):

  1. Go out in groups. Remember me cuddled up on the couch with Mr. Stranger? Your friends know you, and often they can tell when you are in a bad situation even better than your drunk ass.
  2. Be wary. Don’t go to private places with someone if you aren’t sure you trust them (and its corollary, Don’t trust people you’ve just met). The temptation to give in to having sex may be too great in this situation. You may end up feeling obligated—remember even if you feel obligated it doesn’t mean you are.
  3. Wait. I don’t mean you have to wait until you get married, but you can wait until you know someone a little better before diving into bed with him or her. This gives you a chance to make discover whether they’re trustworthy, and to make sure that you are both completely into this, and that neither of you is likely to regret this in the morning. The first time you have sex with someone new is generally pretty exciting, anyway. You can always begin by rolling around sober and then getting drunk with them, if that’s your thing.
  4. Get a fuck-buddy. If there ever was a safety feature built into hook-up culture, this is one. If you have someone you can casually sleep with (provided you set out very clear boundaries of what you are looking for) then you can still have exciting encounters with a lower level of risk. Keep an open mind, too, because these can turn into meaningful relationships.
  5. Kinky and hooking up? Go to ‘munches’—events where kinky people hang out—with no expectations. Get to know someone before you agree to be bound, gagged and helpless. Lay firm ground rules. (If you need a tool to facilitate this conversation, consider this Yes, No, Maybe chart.) Set safe words. Read everyone’s favorite sex advice columnist, Dan Savage—don’t read 50 Shades of Grey.


Read more Quarter-Life Crisis stories on The Good Life.

Image credit:  Vato Bob/Flickr

About Danielle Paradis

Danielle Paradis (Dani) is Canadian. Is a graduate student for Master of Arts in Learning and Technology with a focus on Open Education. She writes regularly for Policy Mic and has written for Bustle and xojane. She writes regularly of communication, feminism and popular culture.


  1. Alcohol impairs the physical action of sex. A party with both alcohol and sex will inevitably contain men who view sex as a catharsis instead of a physical activity. And these men are potential rapists.

    Rebecca Watson publicized her account of the imaginary man who asked her for coffee, and thus set up a baseless association between coffee and rape, as well as the setting for trying to convince men with autistic tendencies, who are more likely to drink coffee than alcohol, that they shouldn’t date.

    This was a big boon to the alcohol industry, and considering what kind of person Rebecca Watson must be to base a speech about justice on a lie, I suspect she was an alcohol shill.

    Coffee is a stimulant both physically and cognitively, and is far more likely than alcohol to lead to either consensual sex or a night without sex. As sex is increasingly recognized as a physical activity, the alcohol industry needs a campaign of confusion to try to prevent people from making the obvious decision to party with coffee instead of alcohol to ensure safe and enjoyable sexual encounters.

    Hence sites like this, which try to turn men into stereotypical alcohol drinkers, and promote the “yes means yes” campaign which encourages the idea of sex as catharsis in the guise of “enthusiasm”.

  2. While I agree that there are occasionally grey areas, such as 2 really intoxicated people who have sex, and both or one of them don’t remember what happened, I think the article is more pointing to a certain kind of guy who specifically targets really drunk women (regardless of how drunk he is). Although he may have been drinking at the time, he had enough of his wits about him to specifically seek out girls in a vulnerable state, who would be easier to get into his bedroom. Once there, it is his word against theirs whether they consented or not. A really drunk girl may enter a room with someone not intending to sleep with them, because she’s too intoxicated to really grasp what’s happening. Just because he’s been drinking, doesn’t mean he’s too intoxicated to know what’s happening. I think the article is pointing out that some of us have people like this in our circles of friends and that we should recognise this and stop it, and not turn a blind eye to it as if it’s just the risk you take when you drink that someone might take advantage.

  3. this article ignores the fact that most perpetrators of rape and sexual assault know their victim, often quite well. all of the advice about waiting and building up trust is tied to a false sense of security. statistically, the perpetrator is more likely to be those friends or that fuck buddy, or even a family member or a significant other. also, be careful with the bit about “needing to take agency.” that’s awfully close to victim blaming. i understand this article is trying to say EVERYONE need to take control of their actions, but the implication is still there, and victim blaming has such a strong history that it’s hard to ignore.

    • Delia:

      The article does not intend to ignore those very real facts. It was a response only to the unrepentant racist’s messed up assumption that rape comes with the party territory.

      Regarding ‘agency’ absolutely do I intend that word with caution.

      I’ve been abused myself, it’s not that I don’tr understand where it happens and who is usually the cause. The article could not be a discussion around the entirety of the rape debate as it is it clocks in around 1300 words. That’s long for online. I intend to explore rape culture, and “grey rape” further…but will likely need a different venue than the GMP.

    • “this article ignores the fact that most perpetrators of rape and sexual assault know their victim, often quite well.”

      No. This is myth number 1.

      Relatives and direct family members aside, your average victim and perpetrator do not know each other “very well”. A class mate, someone you’ve gone to a concert with, a friend of a friend – these are not people you know “very well”.

      An acquaintance is not someone you know very well.

  4. Richard Aubrey says:

    Commending prudence….
    If a guy had done that, he’d be accused of victim-blaming and rapist-excusing.

  5. wellokaythen says:

    I’m curious whether you see a single standard for both men and women or if you see a difference between them in terms of drunken sexual contact without consent. So, for example, if a drunk man has sex, is it the equivalent of a drunk woman having sex?

    Just for the moment, let’s just focus on heterosexual sex. In many of the alcohol-fueled and drug-fueled college parties out there, a drunk man will have sex with a drunk woman. In that case, one could make the case that both have violated the other. Neither could consent. So, in that case both could be rapists and both could be victims. Unless there is a difference in consent capability between a man and a woman who are equally drunk. Or, unless women are defined primarily as potential victims and men primarily as potential rapists.

    I don’t think of this question as a “gray area” at all. It’s a situation where each person could fit in either or both categories. It’s not setting up a “gray area” or muddying the waters to point out that a simple female victim/male perpetrator scenario may not apply. Just because someone suggests that the world may not easily break down into a simple binary does not mean the person is creating excuses.

  6. The original article was not about not ‘risking rape’. It was about a rapist choosing to continue to rape rather than cut back on alcohol. And you people refuse to hold him accountable for his actions. Instead, you’re putting the onus on rape victims to stop rape, rather than putting the responsibility on rapists to stop rape. There’s no such thing as “grey rape”, and spreading that myth adds to rape culture. For real advocacy for victims, check out Yes Means Yes blog.

    Stop coddling rapists, “Good” Men Project.

    • Jonathan G says:

      I have been hearing categorical assertions and righteous denunciations like this one since I was in high school, lo these many years ago. I have to assume by their fervent repetition that they must be completely effective, and rape is almost non-existent on campus and in other party scenes by now.

      How much longer until it’s eliminated completely? Four or five more years, maybe? Let’s all get together for a big party to celebrate once the problem is over!

      • Really? You have? Because I was in college les than a decade ago, and I never heard anything like this. I heard plenty of “lock your doors”, “watch your drink”, “don’t drink” and other tips of the variety that the author here provides. And yet I still got raped. I must not have tried hard enough! Or, it could be that these tips, in fact, don’t do anything to prevent rape and just heap judgement on rape victims.

        But on the off-chance that you’re not just here to gloat about rape and tell anecdotes about your college days, holding rapists accountable and changing rape culture is effective at reducing the number of rapes (Note that Danielle Paradis’ advice, even if it were effective, would only reduce the number of rapes that happen to you, not the general number of rapes. The rapist will just find someone else.):

        • “But on the off-chance that you’re not just here to gloat about rape and tell anecdotes about your college days,”
          Where did he suggest that, why would you say that? The only gloater I’ve seen is the anon person in the article on where he doesn’t wanna stop partying and is a risk to others but also is at risk of rape himself.

          • Because he completely dismissed everything I said and then made jokes about the fact that rape still happens.

            • But how does that relate to gloating about rape? Dismissing I can see, anecdotes as well, but I can’t see anywhere of gloating about rape or supporting it. Just dismissal n snark about the effectiveness of the campaigns.

    • Why do people insist grey areas are a myth? Explain how 2 people who are very drunk cannot legally consent but they have sex, neither feels raped but technically they raped each other? A 15 year old and a 16 year old have sex, 16 year old in some jurisdictions is now a rapist yet others he/she is not, explain that one? I would allow my partner to wake me up with a bj, but that’s still rape since I am asleep and can’t consent, explain how that isn’t a grey area?

      Grey areas most likely get abused n said too much but there are times I definitely think they exist.

      BTW the rapist was also raped, why are people so quick to point out he wants to keep raping but fail to mention his risk of being raped again? I disagree extremely with his actions but clearly he’s at risk of rape still along with being a risk to others.

      • Because grey areas are a myth. If someone was raped, they were raped. It’s not that hard. They’re perpetuated by people who want to find the exact situations in which they can go out and commit rape and have it be somehow defensible.

        None of the situations that you listed are grey at all. In the first, you have two people who both fit the legal definition of having been raped and having committed rape. But that’s irrelevant, because neither of them feel like they were raped. In your second example, the 16 year-old may be guilty of a statutory offense in one jurisdiction. Your partner waking you up with a blow job isn’t rape if you’ve communicated that you’re OK with this beforehand. All of these situations are pretty clearly delineated if you consider consent and the legal system as two separate things.

        The cold hard facts are that most rapists know you don’t want to have sex, and they do it anyway. :

        Sitting here and finding the exact combination of alcohol, flirtation and sexual frustration that allow someone to rape someone else consequence-free just gives rapists social license to operate and increases victim blaming

        “why are people so quick to point out he wants to keep raping but fail to mention his risk of being raped again? ”

        I dunno. Why do people fear serial killers and not wring their hands about how the poor killer, out there lurking the streets, might be killed late at night?

        • “Your partner waking you up with a blow job isn’t rape if you’ve communicated that you’re OK with this beforehand.”
          If I say in 2008 it’s ok but by 2013 I’ve forgotten about it, she does it, is it rape? Is there a time period such as the night before you say Ok you can do it? Legally I can’t consent anyway if I am unconscious, how is that not a grey area? It’s an accepted form of rape?

          “None of the situations that you listed are grey at all. In the first, you have two people who both fit the legal definition of having been raped and having committed rape. But that’s irrelevant, because neither of them feel like they were raped.”
          Neither of them feel like they were raped, but should they be prosecuted? They raped each other, should they be hated?

          Grey area to me would be rape that happens without the other intending to rape, maybe my definition differs to others. The 2 drunks don’t intend to rape each other, but they did. The 16 year old doesn’t intend to rape, but did. My partner should she give me a bj when I am unconscious doesn’t intend to rape, but she would be commiting rape/sexual assault since I am unconscious.

          The final potential grey area would be in the case of blackout drunk, if someone is blackout drunk but looks as if they are all there and able to consent, if they then initiate sex with someone would that be considered rape? I’ve been told of people who walk fine, appear to be all together yet aren’t actively storing memories n thus blacking out and their friends don’t even realize they’ve blacked out. This is the only area I am unsure of with regard to law, nor am I sure if it constitutes rape or not.

          I think the overwhelming majority of rapes are not grey area, I think they are intended fully to be rape but I do think there is the possibility that some happen when the rapist assumes there actually was consent.

          • Like I said, I’m not going to sit here and hold your hand as you try and figure out the exact set of circumstances in which having sex with an unwilling participant magically becomes not rape.

            But you need to get some things straight in your thinking about rape, and you need to put survivors more at the center of your thinking. There is a legal definition of rape. But not every rape will be prosecuted for issues of evidence, the victim being an unreliable witness because they were drunk or drugged, etc. The lack of prosecution doesn’t mean that a rape or assault didn’t take place. Whether or not a rapist intends to rape should matter in sentencing, but it’s immaterial to whether or not a rape was perpetuated on a victim. I don’t really feel too bad for people who can’t be bothered to ensure that they have enthusiastic consent before continuing.

            • Then you cannot be bothered to understand why some of the rapes happen. You’re continued burying your head in the sand n reluctance to understand that there is the possibility that some rapists never intend to rape only adds to harmful views about rape and helps rape happen. We need far better education and much clearer rules on when it’s ok to have sex, currently alcohol messes shit up bigtime and there is a fine line between being tipsy and drunk where ability to legally consent disappears. It’s easy to understand someone passed out cannot consent but I’ve never been told specifically of when it’s not ok to have sex when drunk, at best I’ve been told just have sex when sober but what of the millions of people that engage in drunken sex? Technically many are committing rape should their partners be so drunk.

              Deflect all you want by saying shit about holding hands but if you don’t help educate people then how can you truly expect rape to be stopped? I see very little information about sex when people are stumbling drunk, not passed out, to me anything past tipsy would indicate they cannot consent and I personally avoid all sex with any alcohol as I cannot be 100% that they aren’t affected and I only want enthusiastic consenting sex. Thing is there are people who are both very drunk, both feel the other is enthusiastically consenting but technically probably can’t consent due to how drunk they are, do you have sympathy for those people having sex with each other technically raping each other?

              Most probably don’t feel raped but it doesn’t change what is happening, people have sex with each other who cannot consent, yet so many people against rape seem to dodge this question because it appears to be too hard for them to truly answer instead just saying how there are no grey areas, rapists know they are raping all da timeee and people should basically automatically know this shit instead of them taking the time to actually educate people instead of sit high n mighty accusing others of supporting rape culture when they themselves actually do sweet fuck all to truly stop rape because they can’t be bothered educating people.

              • Yeah, I’m sure you want to know in what situations you can have sex with a black-out drunk person and have it not be rape so that you can *prevent* rape. I’m sure there are no other reasons why you want such a clear breakdown of when it’s OK to take advantage of a person who can’t consent.

                • Well yes, at the moment I don’t want to have sex with anyone if I or they have had 1 or more drinks. I hear from others that they are ok having sex when tipsy, maybe 2-3 drinks? So I’d like to know if it’s legal to have sex with 2-3 drinks in my system. I’d like to know when blackout drunk happens because it’s been told to me that people can become blackout drunk without appearing so, so if I have 1-3 drinks and have sex with my wife for example who’s had 1-3 drinks I’d like to be able to spot if she is blackout drunk. I only EVER want consenting sex.

                  “I’m sure there are no other reasons why you want such a clear breakdown of when it’s OK to take advantage of a person who can’t consent.”
                  Um, where did I say I want to take advantage of a person who cannot consent? If you actually used some reading comprehension you would understand I want to know exactly how to spot when someone cannot consent to ensure THEY are safe, and I also want my partners to know this too so I don’t end up being raped. At the moment I don’t want sex at all when any alcohol is in my system or my partners, I am wondering if this is a good thing or if I am being way too paranoid about it and a few drinks are ok, and that people can still consent? If I come home from a party with my wife and we’ve had a few drinks should we refrain from sex?

                  All the advice I’ve gotten for consent basically says if they’re passed out, they can’t consent (which I knew), if they are stumbling drunk n throwing up, can’t consent, if they’re sober n awake, they can consent. But what about the first drink? Tipsy? Even drunk but walking? When does the consent line end? I have been quite drunk before and would have been ok having sex with someone and felt like I could consent to the activity, but could I really? I know that a sober person having sex with me would be taking advantage of me, but what if they are also drunk? We take advantage of each other? Nullified?

                  I’ve seen no awareness campaigns address 0.00001% BAC to let’s say 0.05% BAC and the ability to consent. It’s sad you seem to assume I want to take advantage of someone, considering I am someone who asks every step of the way if it’s ok to do this, to make sure we’re both consenting. You may think the worst of people who ask these questions, but there are people like myself who simply want to know more about consent than what is told and quite frankly there is fuck all information I’ve seen regarding the first few drinks and ability to consent. I also haven’t seen someone blackout drunk so I’ve only heard from others who have, I’d like to know how to spot someone who is blacked out to ensure they are safe because I actually give a fuck about peoples safety, everyone should be concerned about a blackout drunks safety.

                  BTW, I don’t want to have sex with a blackout drunk EVER.

              • GirlGlad4TheGMP says:

                I have to say, I agree with you Archy. MANY grey areas.
                Rape is wrong (duh), and I believe the best route is always nothing short of ‘yes’, but it’s not a perfect world. I’m of the same measure – I don’t want to ruin the lives of people who fall into grey areas who had no intention to rape and did not think they were committing rape, only to find out that holes in the legal definitions may have made them as such (even if the ‘raped’ person does not feel it was rape). We need to accept that there ARE grey areas, and EDUCATE people on those grey areas, so that mistakes aren’t made…it’s easier to reduce the incidence of rape when you know not only what DOES constitute rape, but what might.

                United States Federal Law [Title 10, Subtitle A, Chapter 47X, Section 920, Article 120] defines rape as:
                (a) Rape.— Any person subject to this chapter who causes another person of any age to engage in a sexual act by—
                (1) using force against that other person;
                (2) causing grievous bodily harm to any person;
                (3) threatening or placing that other person in fear that any person will be subjected to death, grievous bodily harm, or kidnapping;
                (4) rendering another person unconscious; or
                (5) administering to another person by force or threat of force, or without the knowledge or permission of that person, a drug, intoxicant, or other similar substance and thereby substantially impairs the ability of that other person to appraise or control conduct;[52]

                What if you don’t render the person unconscious by any means, they’ve done that themselves? Is it still rape? What if the person is drugged or drunk by their own hand and gives what is construed as consent, where’s the line in what can be construed as such? What if the person (as you said), gave previous consent to specific activities and has not verbally rescinded this consent? How specific should the consent be, and who is the onus placed on to ensure this specificity?

                • If they are unconscious for any reason it would be rape. The grey area though is if they say before hand you can have sex with me when I am asleep, some people say that’s ok, some say it’s rape, I say it’s legally rape but morally ok as I would allow my partner to wake me up with sex if I told her so the night before.

                  “What if the person is drugged or drunk by their own hand and gives what is construed as consent, where’s the line in what can be construed as such?”
                  That’s the big question, but apparently a man asking about this means he wants to rape someone in some peoples eyes…Too hard for some to understand a man wanting to ensure consent is always there would want to know when consent isn’t there so he can avoid sexual activity. Most times it’s easy to spot when consent isn’t there, someone passed out, someone saying no, even someone who isn’t positively engaged in the sex, but after 1 or 2 drinks? That’s the mystery, if they are speaking fine, but have any alcohol in their system are they unable to consent?

  7. Should we always shun those accused of rape? False accusations do happen and shunning would be a harmful activity to do to them, should we not wait for more evidence? Morally I am of 2 minds about it, on one hand it’s a friend who I should stand by and believe them at their word if they say they didn’t do it, but also believe the victim accusing him/her of rape. Chances are lower that it’s a false accusation of course but that still means there is a chance of them being innocent so is it right to shun them n hope it was a real accusation? For people you are sure of by all means shun them, I hope they goto jail, but whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Is it possible to support both the accuser and the accused? To tell them if they really did rape that person that you’ll hate them but you don’t wish to judge them until it’s proven?

    I am unsure of which is the better option, I’d hate to be in the situation of having 1 friend accused of raping another and trying to decide who to believe. I realize it’s popular to just believe the accuser and hate on the accused but there are situations like the Duke Lacrosse team which do show the dangers of believing the accuser without doubt, yet on the other hand doubting the accuser also leads to a huge amount of shame n troubles if they really were raped. Can you even support both?

    As for grey areas this becomes even more confusing when both were very very drunk, neither could legally consent, they both technically rape each other even if they a married couple who are unharmed by their drunken sex. The other grey area which is scary is I’ve heard people talk about being blackout drunk whilst others didn’t have any idea, they could speak normally and act pretty damn sober but weren’t storing memories. If at the time they say yes to sex, but are blackout drunk then I don’t think they can legally consent but the other person may not realize they’re blackout drunk and thus that rapist may fully think they’re consenting. Is it possible for someone to be blackout drunk and initiate sex, be all over someone who isn’t blackout and has no idea the initiator has blacked out?

    As for the rest I’d say good advice, thanks for the article.

    • Amy Gandolfi says:

      I’ve been a witness to an attempted rape of someone very close to me in college. There were also about 4 other witnesses. And there were still people who sided with the attempted rapist. Including his girlfriend at the time. The girl was asleep and found the guy on top of her attempting to have intercourse with her. She screamed. People heard and it stopped. But there were people saying she asked for it because she was flirting with him and making out with him at a party prior to his attempt. In this case it was clear cut and she was asleep and thereby could not consent. The fact that people still took his side baffles me 15 years later

      • Some people are terrible of course, if I see it happen I’ll be talking to the police. What do I do though about something I didn’t see? Play the averages n side with the accuser since it’s rarer to falsely accuse or do I try support both? Try not take sides?

        • You know, in most of the situations I have come across the predator is known for this type of behavior. Conversationally the men around me that I have asked know about this too. Often this man is out every Friday and Saturday night prowling the bar for drunk women. The majority of rapes that do occur can’t be taken to the police by another person–they aren’t happening in dark alleys they happen in women’s homes and other supposedly ‘safe’ places.

  8. Beautifully written, well-stated. It’s unfortunate that this sort of thing needs to be written at all. My gender is a real let-down these days.

  9. Amy Gandolfi says:

    Great Article Dani! You really hit home with the points we discussed! And thanks for the shout out!


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