Being in a partnership means believing that you each deserve half of the value you create together.
I have never been married, but I think 50-50 is the only way to do it. I don’t mean 50-50 in financial terms, I mean a synergy that results in a 50-50 share of value. Whether my spouse earns money or not, I have to assume that she deserves half of what we have.
In legal and financial terms, a marriage operates like a partnership. The law presumes that partners are equally liable for whatever the partnership does. The law also presumes that each partner can make decisions on behalf of the partnership. The only way I can prevent my partner from embarrassing me in public is by creating rules (prenup). While these rules can protect me, it is very difficult to draft them for all circumstances. If I can’t trust my partner, the agreement won’t be worth the paper it is printed on.
When I create a partnership, I never do it with someone just like me. Why would I want someone with strengths I already have, and who will double my weaknesses? I therefore never want someone who earns what I earn. I would rather have someone who earns much less, but has something else to offer which I don’t have.
Let’s say I am a really good writer, and want to advance my career. I then hire Justin Cascio to be my editor. Every article I write is the product of both our efforts. Sometimes I write, and he changes the title to something that better represents my thesis. Other times we email back and forth and he guides me towards topics that will be more interesting for the audience. Every once in a while he compliments me and motivates me to keep up my busy writing schedule. We make a killer team, but alas—he does not have a CPA license or a Masters Degree in Accounting. Although I know he cannot write what I write, I have to humbly accept that my work is useless without his finishing touches.
We can go a step further and say that I am so good at writing that I can make it without Justin. But without him I will likely make less money over time. The work will be more difficult and I will be more prone to failure every step of the way. I do not choose to work with Justin because he is a good writer (that’s my job). I choose him because he is a good editor. His role in my writing career will facilitate the appropriate expression of my talent. Whatever he gets financially from the deal, I have to believe he is worth it from the beginning. When we get paid, I have to have zero doubt that he is worth the money.
Many people want to marry their equals. Women want to prove that they can be independent and don’t need a man to support them. Men don’t want to be stuck in the role of a provider all their lives because it’s a lot of pressure. But still, someone has to do it. Someone will likely earn more than the other and determine the family’s standard of living. Someone will likely spend more time taking care of children. At any given time, only one person can be the quarterback and there’s nothing wrong with letting them play that position if they are the best at it. If everybody wants to play offense, we lose the benefits of specialization and lose more games.
I have never been married, but I don’t want an equal—financially or otherwise. I want someone who will help me become even more of what I already am. I earn a decent living alone, so that person has to do more than just double the income. With her support I should be able to make even more. I live a good life now by myself, so with her I should be even happier. Either way, I am looking for someone who will deserve the 50% that the courts might give her in a divorce. She doesn’t really have to deserve it as long as I think she does.
Every partnership will end. If not through legal separation, it will end when one person dies. I want to leave everything I own to my wife when I die (sorry, estate planning lawyers). If she divorces me, I want to thank her for a great run and immediately give up whatever I have that will even the score. It might seem difficult to pick a player that valuable to my team, but that’s the only way I see to do it.
What do you think is the value of a spouse? How do you come up with that number?
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About Albert Okagbue
A spouse, by its true definition, cannot be relegated to fitting the confines of any measurement system. I say this because “value” is so subjective when it comes to the matters of the heart. Marriage is a union ordained by God for his purpose. It would be a sin for me to even attempt to access and judge God. Who am I?!
Point taken. Good way to look at it.
It seems from the article that the author is advising men to gladly hand over half their assets to their divorcing wives without any grudge, irrespective of their level of contribution in creating those assets.
Precisely. The author assumes that you married the woman by choice and that she married you by choice.
When a couple is married, then there is no need for thinking of division of their assets in anyway including 50-50. They both jointly own everything 100 percent. The problem arises when that marriage ends in divorce. In partnerships like marriage there is almost never equal contribution by both person concerned, therefore, 50-50 distribution is unfair to the partner who makes higher contribution to the family assets.
You might be contradicting yourself. If they both own everything 100% while married, then an end to the partnership would require splitting of assets. It is implied that they each own 50% and separation forces assets to be physically separated….It would be weird to suddenly say that a person’s share is less than 50%. The idea that “contributions” only matter if they are “financial” or “asset” in nature ignores the reality that assets don’t create assets….effort creates assets.
It’s like saying that the defensive player on the team isn’t worth millions because you can’t win a touchdown without a championship. If not 50%, then what is a spouse worth to you? How do you determine it?
**Correction**
It’s like saying that the defensive player on the team isn’t worth millions because you can’t win a championship without making touchdowns.
Interesting article. I think it should be more like 100-100. I say that because your 50-50 concept suggests that one spouse should have little influence over the 50% that isn’t hers/his. In reality, that is recipe for disaster. A spouse is in the best position to contribute most significantly if they feel a sense of ownership over everything. I’m not sure what to make of your preference for a lower earning spouse….I suppose everyone is different in that regard. Personally, I think it should not matter. Instead, the focus (often work in progress, as most real life couples will tell you) should be on developing mutual respect and a sense of togetherness. Yes, the two halls of a pair should complete each other as much as possible so having too many things in common may be problematic. The other thing to think about is this……..a spouse should make one happier overall but in reality, marriage comes with challenges and it takes a lot of steady continuous efforts to really realize that sense of more happiness. There would typically be
Thanks for your comment. It’s not that I “prefer” a lower earning spouse…but that my income allows me to seek other things. At my income level, those things are far more important.
Yes it’s always ideal to have an equal partnership where two stable whole independent individuals come together and compliment each other rather than complete one another where two people come into a relationship with expectations to be fulfilled by the other. Great article.
Thanks for reading….thanks even more for understanding my point!
why any woman would want to stay home and do the cooking and the cleaning and the scheduling and the child rearing and the budgeting – all for NO PAY.
The person in the relationship that does all of the work for no pay does that work for the family. That work isn’t done for herself but for all in that home..
Then theres the person in the relationship that does get paid for the work they do. and that money usually isn’t for the family. That money that is earned is THEIR money and they dictate what is done with it.
I have NEVER seen a woman slave all day to clean only her clothes and make only her schedules, and to feed only herself just as often as I have NEVER seen a man who is the sole breadwinner say that that money he earned isn’t his but his family’s.
the way men treat money I can never see myself being so stupid as to slave for everyone in the family and at the end of the day have to ask or, god forbid, beg for HIS money. I’d rather get paid for the work I do, wouldn’t any logical person do the same?
I’ll repeat a point I made to a woman who not-so-subtly complained about the “equal sharing in the” housework issue. Feel free to consider these questions as directed at you and whatever hypothetical spouse you might have, if you don’t currently have one.
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Before I line up behind your banner proclaiming that ‘Wives do More Than Half The Housework and it’s Unfair!’ I have a couple of questions for you:
1. Before pairing up with your current ‘spouse,’ how did you attempt to filter your dates to eliminate ‘domestic non-helpers’ and attract men who were more domestically inclined?
2. Who was considered more socially dominant and/or higher on the social hierarchy when you first started going out? You, or him?
3. Who explicitly asked who out first? You, or him?
4. Who was making more money when you first started going out? You, or him?
5. Who explicitly initiated sex first? You, or him?
Now, if your answers are “not really anything,” “him,” “him,” “him,” and “him,” and then I trust you can see the problem. But there are those who will read this that might be a little slower than you, so I’m going to spell it out.
What you’re asking for is for your post-courtship relationship to be even-steven, even though before and during courtship you were perfectly happy to enjoy the benefits of a wildly imbalanced relationship where the man took on all the risks of overt rejection, and where your standards had nothing to do with finding a man with egalitarian values. Instead you chose one who embodied the dominant, high-on-the-social-hierarchy, patriarchal values that you now chafe against.
Gambit – you make some interesting points here. I never thought of it that way…
Hmm….I’m a bit concerned by the emphasis on money. I wonder if the men complain about the woman controlling their household and having better relationships with their children. Thanks for commenting though!
I agree with you on some topics that you bring up. I and my husband have decided that we are equals. Equals in that where one person is dragging or lagging, the other person brings him or her up. Its unspoken, you just do it. For example, its typically a woman’s job to cook, clean, and maintain the house. Welp, If I am in school most of the day or I am at a Clinical for 12 hours, the last thing I plan to do is cook or clean when I get home. That’s where he usually steps in and vice versa. I think in a marriage, you have to work as a tag team; realizing that you depend one one another completely. Its not a competition, its not “my life was great before you came.” It’s more like absolute and total blending. Kinda reminds me of those WWF tag team wrestling matches. The moment you decide I do, you become one. . My apologies for my dissertation.
Albert, I think it’s great that you’re willing to give up half of your joint assets in the wake of a split. Whoever marries you should find that comforting, at least I would. The value of a spouse cannot be quantified but I agree that the best scenario is to give or take 50/50, or at least let your spouse have enough to live on post-divorce.
In this day and age I’m not so sure that it matters who may be the breadwinner, but yes, both of you should bring something to the table and make up for whatever the other one lacks.
I would venture to say that the value of a spouse lies in the role they play in your life – he/she complements you, makes you happy, accepts you and loves you for who you are, (not what you are), is there for you through thick and thin. All that warm stuff that money can’t buy. At the same time though, both of you have to be on the same page on many aspects of life, otherwise there’s no unity.
I must add that I believe some people want to marry their equals because they don’t want to carry dead weight. (I know I don’t want the burden of dead weight) But I do see that trying to be equal with your spouse is a little much to ask for – just accept and let them be. If you truly know and care for one another, you’ll be there to help them through whatever they need. That’s something I would do for my spouse. But if he can “do it all”, then I think I”m in heaven.
I would have no problem sharing any assets available at the time of divorce 50-50 (unless of course my partner had been a constant couch-potato while I was the sole provider and *also* did all the household work…)
However, I deeply object to the situation of her having free access to my wallet or any possessions I may acquire *after* the separation.