When it is possible at all, forgiveness is an ongoing, sacred process.
A recent post at Kellevision entitled “To ‘Heal’ or not to ‘Heal’…” (excellent and well worth a read) has prompted me to share a few of my own thoughts on the subject of forgiveness.
Expectations of forgiveness are unreasonable when harm is ongoing
I think one of the worst double binds that abuse and trauma survivors face is the expectation that they should forgive someone, often a family member, who continues to treat them badly. Often the nature of the maltreatment has changed from childhood to adulthood. For example, someone who was physically abused as a child by a parent may instead be subjected to what often seem to be regarded as more civilized and acceptable forms of psychologically abusive behavior as an adult. But the original underlying pattern of disrespectful, abusive behavior has never stopped. It is still ongoing. How can anyone be expected to forgive hurtful behavior that is still ongoing? This is a common and very difficult problem for many adult survivors of childhood abuse. They feel forced to choose between looking after their own well-being and maintaining a relationship with one or more family members (oftentimes an entire family system) continuing to perpetuate the same sort of abusive, wounding treatment that hurt them as children.
[I]it seems very unreasonable to me to expect that forgiveness will come as the result of simply deciding to “move on,” “turn the page,” “get over it,” or whatever other subtly coercive euphemism might be used to put pressure on someone who’s not healing fast enough to meet someone else’s requirements.
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Forgiveness requires an end to the cycle of wounding
Sometimes the only viable path to forgiveness is to remove ourselves from those who continue to cause us harm despite our best efforts to communicate our needs clearly and maintain healthy boundaries. By taking care of ourselves and ending the cycle of wounding, we can establish a safe distance from those who have injured us, allowing ourselves to move through the old hurts and toward greater understanding and forgiveness without constantly being re-injured by new hurts that feel just like the old ones.
Forgiveness is an iterative process
In my experience, forgiveness, as it relates to healing the effects of abuse and trauma, is not a one-time event. It’s an iterative, multi-layered process that, with committed awareness of oneself and one’s history, unfolds over time. For many survivors, abuse and trauma were not experienced as a one-time event either, but iteratively, in layers, over time. In that context, it seems very unreasonable to me to expect that forgiveness will come as the result of simply deciding to “move on,” “turn the page,” “get over it,” or whatever other subtly coercive euphemism might be used to put pressure on someone who’s not healing fast enough to meet someone else’s requirements.
Forgiveness is an active process
Forgiveness of the sort of deep, longstanding wounds that result from abuse, neglect, and trauma is anything but a passive “love and light,” “warm and fuzzy,” “time heals all wounds” kind of process. Every wound has its own story and its own life, and many wounds are not healed simply by waiting and thinking happy thoughts. They have to be faced, entered, lived in, listened to, understood. They have to be cleansed with tears and shouting and shaking and all the other ways that the human body expresses and discharges the stored energies of fear and pain and grief. They have to be allowed to speak, to tell their stories in their own way and their own time. They have to be met and seen, acknowledged and accepted in all their painful glory as the wild, primal things they are.
Forgiveness is a sacred process
The place within us where we meet our wounds and do the work they call us to do is holy ground. It is ancient and eternal, beyond time, expectations, and schedules. It is the place where we keep our secrets, and where our secrets keep us. It is dark, messy, vital, and beautiful. It knows what we need to know, and it will tell us, if we’re brave enough to listen and to feel our way through to the light that knowledge carries for us. Battleground and sanctuary, it is that sacred space within each of us where we encounter grief, wisdom, and hope, and where, I believe, the path to true forgiveness begins.
Some thoughts on forgiveness by Rick Belden, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Read more: Rick Belden’s “Broken Bones and the Father Wound“
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Forgiveness can be a trigger to some abuse victims. This chicken-soup method has become so prevalent that now everybody who has been injured in or by life “must” “forgive.” There’s no other way to heal. Forgiveness is a magic cure and it’s so easy, so why won’t you do it? You must like suffering or want attention. People who can’t/won’t are accused of wallowing in their pain or are just plain bad people. Victim has itself become a dirty word. Forgiveness can become pernicious. Some people think forgiving means the victim forfeits the right to raise the subject again. Forgiving… Read more »
This is an awesome article! Thank you for writing it! As Christians we are taught that we must forgive, and this is true, however if the abuse is ongoing. You can forgive them from a distance and not put yourself in a situation to be hurt again. I believe that this is self love and the first part of healing from a series of traumatic events. It’s not noble, humble, nor wise to stay in a situation where you are being abused. In this particular situation it was emotional abuse and you are right forgiveness is a sacred space and… Read more »
Lux, thank you for reading and sharing your perspective. There are lots of angles to explore and express with the forgiveness issue and I’m glad to see the discussion continuing.
Couple of additions: There are some who will tell you that forgiveness isn’t complete until you turn around and bend over, again. And that promoting prosecution or other legal action means you haven’t forgiven.
The Nazi Hunter in Vienna, Simon Wiesenthal, was asked if he would forgive the Nazis. He said that only the injured could choose to forgive.
As someone who has worked through a lot of these issues, here is my perspective. For a long time I was very angry with my abuser. This was incredibly important, and I quite rightly got very angry when people told me to forgive. I was settled in the view that my anger would gradually fade, but in no way would I forgive. Then spontaneously forgiveness started to happen. To be clear when I say forgiveness, I mean letting go of the anger, and moving on. Not letting the perpetrator back into my life, or absolving her of responsibility for her… Read more »
Excellent addition to this conversation, Mike. Thank you.
Thank you Mr. Belden for the clarifications and added comments. The most important thing that most articles on forgiveness neglect to address is that forgiving abusers is a choice a person can avoid if it isn’t the right choice for them. Worse, many articles deny that it is a choice at all, attempting to force, cajole, intimidate or guilt a victim into forgiving abusers solely because we all must conform to their (usually religious) views of “what is right”. To me, “what is right” is to not rent your five year old son’s body to pedophiles for money. I feel… Read more »
Well said. You’re expressing a point of view on the issue of forgiveness that’s very important. I’m sure you’re speaking for a whole lot of other folks who’ve had similar experiences. The material in both of your responses here has been so important to this discussion and so well articulated that I almost hate to see it hidden away in the comments section. I wonder if you might consider pulling it all together and submitting it to GMP as a response to my post? You’d be welcome to quote anything I said in either my article or my response to… Read more »
This is Lisa, the Publisher, and I just want to second Rick’s idea. If you want to put together as a post, you can email it directly to me at [email protected] thanks all.
Thank you, Mr. Belden and Lisa. I am willing to do that and humbled and honored to be asked. I’ll work on it and send it to you, Lisa.
Thank you, Susannah. You cover some very important areas that my article did not, specifically this: This is not to say that the offender cannot be held accountable for those actions. It is never my responsibility to absolve another of the responsibility for the consequences of his/her actions. Where there are legal or civil ramifications, they may be pursued without any regard to whether or not I’ve forgiven the offender. And this: Too many teach that forgiving and reconciliation are symbiotic – as if the one cannot exist without the other. Balderdash. Coming to a place of forgiving those who… Read more »
W.R.R.’s perspective that many, including religious groups teach/model/believe, that “forgiveness” is the same as “condoning/absolving” is unfortunately all too real. It is so damaging when “forgiving” is made synonymous with “forgetting” – as if by simply saying “I forgive…” that the wickedness done by another’s actions is somehow swept away and everyone lives happily ever after. Not. In short, ‘forgive’ is to forego my demand for emotional &/or psychological compensation for the offences committed against me. This is separate from a legal process for illegal or indictable offences, and is not intended to remove or set aside the consequences of… Read more »
Thank you for this timely essay….I realize that it is futile to expect anyone to change….so true that it is best to cut off contact and move ahead with your own life….I have distanced myself from a few people and it has been a much more peaceful holiday…. W.R.R.: I think what Rick is saying is not that you are negating the crimes of the past or giving a free pass to abusers when you give forgiveness….It can mean that you recognize that there is something wrong with your abuser and not with you…and you walk away from it to… Read more »
Thanks for your comment here, Leia, as well as for your kind mention of me in your comment on the post “This Much I Know To Be True“. I appreciate it.
W.R.R, im not sure if I follow you 100% but as I see it forgivenes is not a favor you do to somebody else but its a favor you do to yourself. Because forgiving a villain, it doesn’t mean what that person did is ok and we let it behind us. That’s reconciliation, witch is a different matter. Forgiveness, is something you do to yourself to give yourself peace. And gaining strength to keep fighting your battles, rather than let your mind burn with hate. But what was done against you it is still a open matter till you get… Read more »
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts on this issue, Mr S. I’m glad you brought up the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. The two are widely assumed to be basically one and the same, or at the very least conjoined, but as you correctly said they are separate and distinct from one another, and one does not mandate or imply the other. It’s essential that we unlink and characterize them properly so we can be clear in our thinking and approach to each.
Forgot the links to those articles, my apologies: http://m.psychologytoday.com/articles/199907/must-you-forgive
http://diannaeanderson.net/?p=1713
I hope those work as links, here; I don’t know how to code them to be…
Thank you, sir, for listening to me ramble for days above…
Thank you for these references. I’ll check them out. In addition to my earlier response to you above, I’d like to acknowledge the fact that there are many different degrees and levels of wounding and/or violation to which a person can be subjected, and that this is also an important factor in how one person might see the issue of forgiveness differently than another. All violations and transgressions are not equal in terms of depth and severity of impact, which is another reason why blanket exhortations to forgive without regard for the specific needs of each person, and the history… Read more »
We’ve talked before, Mr. Belden and you know I both admire you and respect your wisdom. I can say that this article makes a point I do agree with: the idea that forgiveness of abusers is impossible while they are still actively harming the victim, often from childhood into adulthood without ceasing. I agree we must often sever ties and contact to preserve our own safety and healthy boundaries. Where I veer away is on two points: I avoid religious aspects, so putting any healing work within terms of “sacred” makes me nervous. But I think perhaps you aren’t invoking… Read more »
Thank you for commenting, W.R.R. You’re raised some valid points that will probably resonate with lots of folks. First, as I hope I made clear in what I wrote, I am absolutely opposed to forced “forgiveness” in any form or fashion. Second, I completely agree that the decision of whether or not to explore forgiveness in a given situation is always a personal choice. No one can make that decision for anyone else. Perhaps it would have been wise for me to state this point more explicitly in the article to avoid any misunderstanding. I understand your discomfort with my… Read more »