In quitting a job, Rick Belden finds a strange new sensation: freedom.
Three days ago, I left a long-time job that had begun to damage my health and was already well on its way to destroying my spirit. The decision to leave wasn’t impulsive and it wasn’t easy, but regardless of the ultimate outcome, I’m convinced it was the right decision. Hopefully, when all is said and done, I’ll have gained more (and lost less) by leaving than I would have by staying.
I’ve been struggling for some time now with the ongoing conflict between my need to make a living and my need to follow that which moves me most deeply. I’ve written about that struggle numerous times, in poems like “soul versus survival” and “rush to nowhere” and “dot” (as well as several others). It’s been a theme in my work going all the way back to my first book, Iron Man Family Outing, a tormenting puzzle that I’ve simply been unable to solve. In the last few years I’ve begun to wonder if it can be solved.
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I’m finding it a lot harder to settle down and trust this strange new freedom than I expected.
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In any case, now I’m free again, for a while anyway, for the first time in almost six years, and it feels strange. I’m so used to running against the clock, so used to cramming all of my meaningful creative activity into whatever time I had left on evenings and weekends, that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be able to slow down, to breathe, to be with my body and my feelings. It’s actually a bit intimidating. I’m surprised at how much anxiety and disorientation I’ve felt these last few days. I’m finding it a lot harder to settle down and trust this strange new freedom than I expected.
Part of it, I’m sure, is that I’m pretty exhausted, both mentally and physically, from trying to survive in a work environment that had become increasingly oppressive and psychologically toxic. One of the reasons for my decision to leave was my realization that being in that environment was beginning to burn me down, and that I’d wind up in cinders if I tried to stay. But the damage had already begun, and now I have to deal with it.
I’m also finding myself feeling a lot more fear than I’d expected about having an interruption in income, and about how long that scenario might last. I’d become very accustomed to a certain level of financial stability and now I may have put that at risk. But the risks I was facing if I stayed put were worse, they were certain, and they’d already begun to transform from risks to realities to consequences for me. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating right, and I wasn’t taking proper care of myself, and previous experience tells me exactly where that path leads me. As I told one of my coworkers before I left, it didn’t make a lot of sense to me to destroy my health in order to keep my health insurance.
So here I am, free, tired, and a little (sometimes a lot) scared. I expect I’ll begin to settle down over the next week or so, but it’s going to take some more focused awareness and some better self-care than I’ve been giving myself for a while now. I have a strong sense of why I need this time (aside from punching out of a bad situation) and what I want to do with it. I have a deep backlog of personal and creative work that’s been waiting for me for a very long time, and I’m itching to get to it. But my first order of business is to settle down and allow myself to get back into my own rhythm.
Maybe then this new freedom won’t feel so strange anymore.
—Photo credit: woodleywonderworks/Flickr
About Rick Belden
Hi Rick,
Well, we’ve had the “go crazy or starve” conversation a few times at this point, so I understand on at least some levels what this means to you. I was only ever able to support myself writing for a stretch of a few months on two occasions, and both times I experienced the disconcerting interruption of rhythm that you describe. I think part of the reason things evolve so slowly in this world of ours is because when familiar structures are threatened or done away with, the mind jumps right to fear. That said, I feel excited for you because I knew the toll that was being taken. I look forward to seeing the fruits of this sabbatical. All my best. – Seth
Rick-I did the same thing 6 (nearly 7) months ago. Our stories couldn’t be more identical, at least in regards to the effect our jobs were having on our body/mind/spirit. I had been at my job 5 years, and like yours, it was a nightmare. I have never, in the 20-odd years I’ve been in the workforce since college, been in a more TOXIC workplace. My blood pressure stayed consistently high, my blood sugar levels (I’m a Type-II diabetic) were off the charts, and just the mental stress that left me unable to slow down and relax on the weekend. I began dreading Monday as soon as I left on Friday. I totally get the “soul vs. survival” thing (great way to put it, BTW). I had been in mental health, juvenile justice and finally adult correctional counseling. After 20 years, I finally flamed out. As I only half-jokingly put it, it was either “quit or get fired, get divorced or wind up in the morgue or the penitentiary myself. I was written up on a Friday and placed in 6 months’ probation. I went home and announced to my wife that I was resigning. To my surprise, she was on board with it. She now says I’m actually decent and easier to live with. My health (physical and mental) is improving by the day, and I’m rediscovering my faith and my spirituality (turns out I do have a soul after all). I left in November and with my wife’s blessing, did not even begin to look for work for 2 months. I went to Christmas parties, concerts, school events (went to DC and Chicago w/my daughter’s school group), and was able to be a “stay at home Dad” (turns out I was actually pretty good at it. I took my daughter to school and picked her up in the afternoon, took her to appts so my wife didn;t have to miss work.
In retrospect, it was an insane thing to do, quitting a job w/no prospects in this economy. It was a leap of faith, and I’ve changed career paths. As I tell people, I’m “broke but happy,” for the first time in years.
Sorry for the long post, but your story reached out to me and I wanted to, along with Seth, wish you “all my best.”
Hi, drood. No need to apologize for your “long” comment. It’s a great story and I’m glad you shared it in its entirety. You may have inspired some other poor soul in an equally horrid work environment to find the courage to do what is needed to save himself.
There’s a great little poem on this topic called “If I Stopped” by Sean Casey LeClaire. You should be able to find it easily via Google. I think you’ll appreciate it. Best wishes to you, too.
Thanks, Seth. The “go crazy or starve” dilemma is indeed a tough puzzle to crack and a tiresome one at that, especially when it goes on and on for years on end. It’s certainly expensive to give up income, but if I didn’t get some extended down time (and I don’t mean 2 weeks of vacation a year) every so often, I’d be a complete wreck AND most of what I really need and want to do in my life would never get done.
My last “regular” job was wearing me down at the joints. I didn’t even realize how much it was costing me in matter I can’t replace, like cartilage. Now I make less money than I have ever made, but I have room in my life to heal, and without that, I wasn’t going to survive. As I get older, I have to face the fact that my body needs to last for many more decades. I don’t smoke cigarettes or eat bad food, any more, and those would have killed me a lot younger. Now that I meditate and eat a lot of kale, I have to make sure my sanity, wrists, and adrenals all survive for as long as I’ll be needing them.
“I have room in my life to heal, and without that, I wasn’t going to survive.”
Justin, that’s been the bottom line for me over and over when I’ve made decisions like the one I wrote about in this post. There are still times (too many of them) when I’ll start to punish myself with thoughts about everything I could’ve attained as a “professional” and how much better off I’d be right now financially had I “toughed it out.” But I always come back fairly quickly to the truth, as you stated it above. I had to save myself from being eaten alive, or worse, transformed into a man I couldn’t live with. And that’s what I’ve done.
hello rick, and congrats on a move to personal freedom..know that it will all work out myfriend !
been there, done that, and we do survive and thrive with our priorities intact and our spirits revitalized..how cud we not when we know we are doing the proper things to take care of ourselves?
bravo..eric
Thanks, Eric. Much appreciated. Always good to hear from someone else who’s been down a similar path.
Yes we need a guaranteed minimum income. Fear of unemployment and loss of income should be eliminated. Currently it’s one of the most powerful weapons the elites have for keeping us in line.