The Secret to an Amazing Hook Up

Start the conversation with the right question, and be open to the answer.

This was previously published on The Male Blueprint.

First date, second date, kiss, have sex, meet the parents, move in, get engaged, get married, have kids.

This is the default for men and women living today in the United States (other countries may vary). Why is this our default? Mostly because of Disney movies.  That’s how we were programmed as a kid and that’s what we assume as adults. We unconsciously mold to this model, even when it’s not what we intended. Sometimes we meet girls and don’t want a relationship. What’s an honest man to do?

Even if we don’t think we have expectations, we have been conditioned by society to expect some things, and those will come up whether we like it or not.

The secret is proactive communication.

Most people don’t communicate what they want. When no one communicates, everyone assumes the Disney default. When the Disney default takes effect, expectations come into the picture. Expectations, especially the ones that are not discussed are certified relationship killers. There is so such thing as a person having “no expectations”, it doesn’t exist. Even if we don’t think we have expectations, we have been conditioned by society to expect some things, and those will come up whether we like it or not.

I have a practice that I love for having this discussion with potential partners. Once I see that a girl and I may be heading to hook-up town, I slow things down. I ask her, “What could we create together that would be a total home run for you?” If I’m discussing it in terms of what could happen that night I’ll ask her the same question but phrased a little differently: “What could we do together tonight that would make you totally blissed-out happy tomorrow morning?” Then I leave the answer to her.  Many women have never been given this kind of freedom, and it’s often amazing to watch them bask in the power of choice. When she answers, I listen, and consider if what she desires is something I am willing to get on board with. If it’s a yes, we proceed, if a no, I will share what parts I can get behind and offer my own version for her to decide.

The key to not screwing this up as a man is you can’t listen to what she says then try and steer it toward sex. As a man, you have to genuinely want the best experience for this woman, and if you’re too caught up in trying to get laid because it will make you feel better, no one wins. That doesn’t mean that if she suggests sex you shouldn’t say yes, it means you can’t expect her to want to have sex. She might reach into her closet for her bag of sex toys, she may suggest giving each other massages, she may want to cuddle on the coach and watch a movie, she may just want to relax into the space of not having to do anything because you gave her the gift of being able to choose. What if this woman had been abused in the past and never thought she had the ability to choose her level of sexual intimacy with a man? By asking what she wants and actually caring what she says, you may have served her in the most powerful way you could imagine, just by the two of you doing nothing.

Another benefit to proactive communication is the lack of resentment afterwards.  What happens when a guy and girl get together and there’s no discussion about what they want to create?  Disney default.  Both the guy and the girl may not want anything to do with that, but because it wasn’t communicated, it expected.  What happens when we have hidden expectations?  Resentment.  Bad news bears.  On the other hand, if a couple discusses what they want to create and both parties are a total “yes!” there can be no resentment afterwards because everyone was clear about why they were doing this in the first place.

What can we create together that would be a total home run for you?  This one question could change your life.


Read more about Sex & Relationships.

Image of couple enjoying each other’s company courtesy of Shutterstock

About Dave Booda

Dave Booda is bringing about a new way of being for men who seek to embrace their gifts and understand women. His strength is communicating eastern wisdom in a simple, effective manner that produces real, measurable changes in people's lives. Dave is also a co-founder of The Mission, a men's movement started in San Diego that helps men improve their lives in the area of purpose, understanding women, health and finances through a brotherhood of men dedicated to change and self-development.


  1. This is a wonderful article. When I was working as a hotline worker for a Spouse Abuse center I was amazed to find out that some of the women had been raised from birth to have no choices.

    At the same time I had guys on campus asking how do you do it. You always have a car full of girls. Gee could be because I wanted to make sure they had fun not worry about how much sex I was going to get. Its amazing how a gentle massage can turn into very passionate sex. Also, being a good cook is a good thing. Just don’t embarrass the girl. Being a chef can be a chalange at times. One way around it is to get the girl to cook with you. She learns and you are empowering her. I have also taught girls that were dating someone else then she does things for me. Having friends is a good thing.

  2. Valter Viglietti says:

    Thank you Dave, this is top-class advice. 🙂
    I think I’m pretty good at honest relationships, but I never thought about this approach.

  3. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    1. Start with “what do you do?” (jk – but I still don’t see what’s wrong with this.)
    2. Say “I want you to leave my apartment by ___ o’clock. I need to launder my sheets in the morning so _______ won’t smell us on them.” (jk – but I still think this is really bad manners.)

    Sorry for the interthreaduality.

    • Hank, do you really care what she does? Maybe a little, but aren’t there a thousand other things you’d want to know about her before you ask that?

      • Hank Vandenburgh says:

        Hi. This was meant as a tease to Tom, who recently wrote an article here about how we shouldn’t ask what someone does.

  4. Quadruple A says:

    Thank you for this article. There aren’t many article that address this topic out there and on the internet really and its the first of its kind that I have ever read and I’ve been looking for such an article.

    Some of the language in this article is difficult to understand though.

    What is a “hook up”? That’s the first thing I thought when I saw the article.

    “Sometimes we meet girls and don’t want a relationship.” – Do you just mean no relationship”at all so this article is about a one night stand or do you mean a relationship that isn’t like the “Disney script”?

    “Once I see that a girl and I may be heading to hook-up town,” – By “Hook Up” town do you mean sex town? Because if you mean that then its as if you are suggesting that communication could happen late in the “relationship”. Sometime relationship can end up weeks or even months of dating until any kind of “hook up town” is in sight.

    If by a “hook up” you mean a “date” then I”m not sure I see how your communications efforts work in. If I ask somebody out, say a clerk at a gas station I see almost daily then you don’t really sense a “hook up” from the distance you just ask her out and hope she says yes, though you might be able to guess in advance whether she says yes.

    I suppose you could say this on the date that came up next although to be honest I think that she is going to ask you what you really mean. “What could we create together that would be a total home run for you?” Is a pretty darn indirect, not exactly “pro-active” sounding kind of question. If the purpose of the question is to get down to the nitty gritty, to really say, “listen your hot, but I’m not looking for a relationship” then that expression doesn’t do it.

    “The key to not screwing this up as a man is you can’t listen to what she says then try and steer it toward sex. ” – So I guess your implying the baseball metaphors are to leave the possibilities open.

    “Another benefit to proactive communication” – I’m glad you’ve written this article. I just having trouble following you and I do see how this is “pro-active.”

    Guys are told to be honest and direct but honestly when it comes down to the details men aren’t given some incredibly mixed injunctions.

    I asked this question to a blogger who a sex dating and relationship blog I thought she was an honest person rather than somebody with a creepy agenda because she was the head of writing program at a university.

    I asked firstly: Whether you could go on a date specifically with casual sex in mind
    and she basically wrote back”…It’s as easy as saying, “All I’m looking for right now is a sexual relationship.”

    I then reiterated the question: “Like I see this girl everyday at the gas station next to where I live. If I asked her on a date would it be bad if I said I was looking for a sexual relationship during the date”

    and she wrote back. ” I wouldn’t suggest saying, “I want a purely sexual relationship with you” to a woman– that’s an excellent way to get a drink thrown in your face. However, saying, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, but I do want someone to spend time with and date,” generally lets women know you are not their Future Husband– you’re the next guy who wants to have sex with them. Sex is a big part of dating.”

    Ta Dah! Completely contradictory advice on straightforwardness in the same conversation. Its a magical world.

    • Those are great points, thanks for taking the time to comment. As far as what I mean by “heading to hook-up town” is the point when you realize there is mutual desire to become physical. It could be two hours into the relationship, it could be two months, just depends on how long you and the girl need to get to know each other.

      One of things we get wrong in the dating world today is we never stay in the present. When we’re on the first date we’re thinking about the second date, when we’re on the second date we’re thinking about meeting her roommates, when we’re exclusive we’re thinking about getting married, when we’re married we’re thinking about having kids, etc… What I’m seeing in your question is you may be making this mistake as well. If you meet a girl and are attracted to her, just ask her out and go on a date to find out more about her. How can we know what we want if we haven’t even said hi? Look at all the work and all the mental energy you’ve put in before approaching this girl at the gas station. Instead of planning everything, just walk up to her and say hi. Your plan will probably change anyway.

      • Quadruple A says:

        I’ve done a lot of dialogue on this subject matter with others and as you can see from that conversation it hasn’t always really gotten me anywhere. I’ve dialogued about this in therapy and I’ve told my therapist if I just focus on what I desire in the moment then I am going to feel a lot less anxiety about the question I asked am still asking. I mean because for the most part I at least can’t really say that I really know I would want to sleep with somebody right away just based on certain ineffable something and there sex appeal. But then I don’t know if that is even normal. I’ve never been able to feel pleasure from an orgasm so sex to me means probably something different than it does to other people particularly males. But I mean come on if you were to see Angelina Jolie or some other sex goddess what guy would not want to have a one night stand with her? I think I would. I also think that sometimes sexual uneasiness or shame can arise not so much from guilt about objectification or the breaking of some divine law (for some religious believers) but from a sense of being out of line with your true will.

        • I feel your pain, I coach now because I was able to teach myself how to interact with women from an authentic, creative place instead of feeling stuck all the time. When I realized I could help others learn what I did, that got me really excited. Sounds like you’re seeking help, and what you are doing may or may not be working for you. If you’re serious about breaking through your barrier, I can offer you one hour of my time on the phone to see if we can clear some of your blocks. I’m not a therapist, and to be honest, I don’t even know a lot of the book-based techniques that some people use, I simply pass on what worked for me. My email is


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