Dr. Bill Cloke on how to recognize and treat porn addiction before it destroys your relationship.
Janet and Ben came in for couple’s therapy because she had caught him watching internet porn. He was looking at “Cheerleaders Gone Wild”: videos featuring girls who are barely 18 years old. To her it was a betrayal and tantamount to watching child porn. Ben for his part was unrepentant, describing it as his curiosity and nothing more. He claimed he was only doing it because she was withholding sex from him. Her trust was shattered and he was angry.
After the births of their three children, Janet was understandably exhausted. They had argued about the children and along with Ben’s career stress they had become estranged. But instead of talking about it they both went into their own worlds. Ben became career driven and withdrew into the privacy of his porn while Janet became Super Mom. Herein lies one of the thorny issues about porn: easy accessibility.
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Online sex stimulates the production of dopamine, which interestingly enough is the addiction maker in the brain, but also is what makes men monogamous. So the very thing that creates a homebody can intensify the need for excitement through porn.
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At this point I set about researching the consequences of porn addiction on marriage and families. It was an interesting ride and was much more serious than I initially realized. The internal effects seem to be very powerful and the parts of the male brain that porn gains access to are unconscious and rather insidious. Let me say as well that with porn—like any other addictive substance—the difficulty lies in how much one uses it and the extent that it shuts down sexual activity with one’s mate. Couples who participate in porn together can experience some excitement but it is rarely interesting for women. For those who participate in secret and to the degree that it constitutes an addiction, porn use is the primary issue in their relationships. The manner and intensity of one’s involvement in porn is relative to the degree of damage it can possibly cause in the sex life in a marriage.
Some of the conclusions I came to were these: The internet provides not only photos and videos but online relationships that involve specific sexual proclivities. Porn is a highly elastic business. Entrepreneurs produce media catering to every variety of sexual interest that exists in men’s brains. Online sex stimulates the production of dopamine, which interestingly enough is the addiction maker in the brain, but also is what makes men monogamous. So the very thing that creates a homebody can intensify the need for excitement through porn. Also, continued porn use tends to increase, and the need for new stimulation and the desire to find more intense stimulation leads to more provocative porn sites. Porn users can find more and more progressively exciting images until they find themselves immersed in a fantasy world that makes the real world pale in comparative intensity.
Porn is ultimately isolating. Its use is a turning away from one’s partner and toward a hyper exciting new experience that stimulates the production of dopamine, which both heightens stimulation and creates addiction. Some men begin to prefer online sexual relationships to real ones. The once attractive wife can become mundane and uninteresting. In contrast there is a constant parade of new women in a milieu that is designed to make men’s brains turn cartwheels in excitatory intensity. Porn use is further reinforced by orgasm. Look out Pavlov: online porn beckons and the sexual bell rings.
Some signs that someone may have an addiction to porn are:
- Increasing porn use despite negative consequences
- Denial of the problem
- Irritability toward spouse regarding internet porn
- Using porn to escape from relationship issues
- Lying to others about the importance of cybersex
- Engaging in illegal acts
- Preoccupation with internet sex
- Loss of intimacy with one’s mate. (Carnes 2001).
There are vast differences between how men and women view—or don’t view—porn. The vast majority of women tend to be more focused on the emotional aspects of sexuality like connection and love. Men tend to respond more strongly to the visual aspects of sexuality, such as being more easily stimulated by physical beauty. Men respond to physical variety, which is the mainstay of internet porn.
Because men are more focused on the physical than the emotional aspect of sex, men are more likely to think of cybersex as a safe way to be stimulated—no touch, no foul—while women see the experience as an act of infidelity. When the excitement of online sex exceeds that of a porn user’s real, live partner, the relationship is in trouble.
The use of internet porn is frequently a symptom of larger relationship issues that has have not been worked through. In the case of Janet and Ben there were many issues that had lain dormant in their relationship. They both failed to bring up the matters that bothered them and instead turned away from each other in different ways. As their distance increased, so did Ben’s interest in cybersex. Once Janet discovered the porn it only intensified her anger and resentment toward him, until they were no longer able to sustain their relationship. They were both responsible for waiting way too long to address their differences, but in the end porn extended the emotional and sexual divide beyond their reach.
Because cybersex affects relationships between mates, it also affects entire families and causes a myriad of internal issues. Wives feel unwanted, unable to compete with online images, degraded, stupid or weak. They may see their partner as a bad partner, selfish and like they are “living a lie.” Husbands are up late viewing images, become more moody, neglect the family, spouse, job and friends. They become distant and care less about the feelings of their wives and children. When it comes to addiction, secrecy and overuse are the culprits. If children discover their father’s porn use there is a tremendous loss of trust and respect. In relationships with our partners, the more things we don’t talk about, the more they will affect the overall sense of intimacy.
So how do couples work through this issue? First off, suspend the use or overuse of internet porn. Second, find the stimulation with your partner. If she is your go-to person for sex then it behooves both of you to do some ground work to create a satisfying sex life. Clear away the dead wood in your relationship. Don’t run from your problems: face them and work them out. Find things to do together that you both consider play, or fun activities. If all else fails, get some therapy.
In the most profound sense, a loving relationship will always trump mere stimulation. The challenge is to create a loving and connected relationship that stimulates sexuality. Be willing to get to a place where you can be alone with your partner, where the world goes away and you can be sexually close. The work of building the sexual relationship you want with your partner is worth the effort, because in the end, cruise control is a sweeter ride than going two hundred miles an hour on the drag strip of internet porn.
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Conceptual photo of a young man addicted to the internet courtesy of Shutterstock
About Bill Cloke
Like most things, it’s not what you do but the way that you do it.
Ideally, the appropriate type of porn (not beastiality, violent, child etc) can be used communally to enhance a couples sex life. Women’s and men’s brains respond to pornography in a matter of time, more time for women, but its biological. The genders are hardwired differently but libido is not a matter of greater or lesser, just very different. It’s important to gauge your partners response to real sexual activity and not try to emulate porn, because depending on what you watch the reality of it is that hurts like a mother.
As long as both parties feel comfortable and arent competing with actors, i believe quality, respectful porn can be a great addition to sex.
“The genders are hardwired differently but libido is not a matter of greater or lesser, just very different.”
You’ll have a hard time selling that line to most men. My wife sure as shit had a greater libido when I married her. If she hadn’t, wouldn’t have. If I knew then then what I do know now….
Porm adds to your sex life = biggest lie ever, only spoken by guys addicted to porn, been there, studies prove, big fat lie.
Interesting article, very interesting comments. I would just like to add that I am unaware of any aspect of pornography that emasculates a man.
Unless of course it is the isolation and lack of intimacy…………….
Penis size, restricted roles in porn, etc. Depends on the porn you watch though.
My ex would stay up really late watching porn, whilst I would be in bed ready and willing to have sex with him, but he would then come to bed very late and try to have sex with me. Obviously I was resentful that he didn’t want to be intimate with me from the start, so that’s the reason I started to withhold sex . If you put no effort into being intimate with your partner before you even get to the bedroom, you cannot expect her to feel like having sex with you when you feel like it.
Did you tell him any of this or just hope he’d “get the message”?
I told him a couple of times..he chose to trivialise my concerns, so I stopped having sex completely and dumped his stupid ass!
Good for you!! If more women would stand up then maybe more men might “get it”.
Sorry you went through that. Some people get addicted and it’s a shame, especially when they don’t listen. There are other men n women who will look at porn even in a relationship but won’t be addicted, might be just a rare occurrence when you both can’t be together for some reason, many couples use it together even. But when a partner is being ignored and porn is the first priority it’s a hugeeee problem, it should never be first priority.
I gew up in an unhealthy household. I have all sisters and my stepfather wa the protector of us all. When I was young, too young, I witnessed my stepfather and the neightborhood cop exchanging porn in a dark corner on our porch. I remember think “why are they hiding?” As I got older it continued. Sometimes he would forget and leave Playboy or Penthouse in the bathrm. It ruined me. How could this man, who had 4 daughters, watch and partake in these images that made me feel like I was reduced to nothing more than body parts. It ruin my life and contimues to do so today. I am now a 4o yr old woman who is destroyed by this. Some people may say its overboard but I cannot deny or erase how I feel. I wish I could When I was a teenager and Id hang around with neighborhood boys, they would pull out the hidden magazines and that feeling in my stomach came roaring back, I break out in sweat, Id wince my eys and fight back tears. I thought I had safe guarded myself the best I could as I got older, choosing men who could protect me from this awful feeling, only to find it doesnt exist.
Why did you in particular feel that way from the magazines they read? I’m sure they still loved you, loved women etc and I have a feeling you know this. Having your life destroyed by it is on the extreme scale of what I’ve heard in reaction to porn, I believe you, but I am curious on what exactly makes it so damaging for you? Do you think he only saw them as body parts or did he see them as sexually attractive women, realized they had minds with their bodies n respected both?
I can relate PJ. It just feels disrespectful to know that the men in our lives like seeing women depicted and treated and stereotyped a certain way to fit into their fantasies. Sadly, it’s even more invasive today then it was for your father. But it seems like women are just commodities to be selled, exchanged and enjoyed for male pleasure. Women aren’t worth a heck of a lot in this world. Especially to a lot of men. sometimes even men that are fathers of daughters and husbands to wives.
Erin said “Especially to a lot of men. sometimes even men that are fathers of daughters and husbands to wives.”
that’s what I just can’t understand. Why fathers would do that. that’s somebody’s daughter, Would these same men encourage their own daughters to become porn stars? To let themselves be “used” as an object. I just don’t get where the degrading and objectifing of ANY human being is healthy to watch or even fantasize about. Isn’t that the defination of pervert? As a man, I for one have always thought porn to be disgusting. I’ve always been very out-spoken about it around my male friends. I also don’t get where this attitude “all men do it”. All men do NOT watch porn. In my circle of friends (about 20 males) only ONE watches porn, and he is ashamed and hides it. He knows it’s wrong. Ladies, there are some good men out there. You just have to look really hard and ask a lot of questions. And keep asking until you get the truth. If a man turns to porn because of stress, aging, anger, low self-esteem, boredom, whatever – that’s a man with a problem. He does not have mature cooping skills to deal with life’s little (or big) set backs.
Dan, I’m trying to understand your position so please let me know if I’m wrong in my characterization.
Do you see this as distinct from sons who become porn stars? Is there a difference between how you view Sasha Grey and James Dean? Is one used and the other the user, or are they both being used?
I don’t know that “pervert” is the right word. I’m guessing this is the definition you have in mind in your use of the word:
pervertnoun |ˈpərvərt|
a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable.
I’m troubled by this word “abnormal” because it supposes we know what “normal” is. People lie about their sexual fantasies and behavior; they present an image of being “normal” while engaging in the very same behavior they condemn. Should “normal” be what people do, or what they say they do?
Well, it comes from a Canadian study where they were unable to find a control group of men who didn’t watch porn. I’m sure there are men who don’t use porn, but do note you have 19 friends who self-report that they don’t watch porn. Given the problem researchers have found, that people lie to them – men and women alike – about their sexual behavior, I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t one or two of the 19 that are more ashamed and hide it even better.
I don’t agree with the equivocation I think you are making, that “good men” and the set of men who watch porn are mutually exclusive. I think the primary characteristic of a “good man” is an honest man, one who is honest with himself and in his dealings with others. If you want a partner that doesn’t use porn, I believe a good man will be one who is honest about his porn use or non-use so you can make an informed decision.
Why exactly does he have a problem? Do you believe that all porn is bad, that there can be no such thing as morally acceptable porn use? If so, what is the basis for your categorical moral judgement? If not, is your judgement reserved solely for that porn that is abusive or degrading?
What about couples that watch porn together? Is that a couple with a problem?
It absolutely disgusts me when people imply a good man doesn’t watch porn. Most of my friends, male and female, watch porn. They’re good people. They’re not misogynists/misandrists, they believe in equality.
I seriously wonder if half the commenters here actually know people that look at porn or if they simply want to keep demonizing it as perverted. And in fact the majority of people in the west probably look at porn, so it’s not a perversion.
I thnk many good men watch porn. I think many men that love their daughters and love their wives look at porn. That doesn’t mean they are looking at things that are respectful to women. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t on some level disrespecting women. That doesn’t mean that it’s good to watch porn. Many good men do a lot of things everyday that aren’t so *good* all the time. That’s the nature of being a human being. The same can be said for women. Many good women make poor choices everyday. Many good women that love their husbands sometimes treat them in ways that seem very disrespectful to the husband. It would behoove her to listen to him and understand what makes him feel disrespected and change her behavior . If one partner is doing something that makes the other feel disrespected, that partner can have the choice to say “no” and keep doing that thing that makes their partner feel disrespected or change their behavior. I know there are things I have done that made boyfriends feel disrespected. I did my best to work on those things even though I didn’t think they were disrespectful. Men and women sometimes feel disrespected by different things.
Just because a man loves his daughter and his wife, doesn’t mean that his porn habits are good. Just because a man watches porn, doesn’t mean anyone is saying he is “bad”. Not at all. I think many good men watch porn. I actually think that men do themselves a disservice by allowing porn into their lives like they do. I think they actually disrespect themselves in the process and their sexuality. Good men are just as capable of treating partners badly (on purpose or not on purpose) as they are in treating partners well.
I dont’ disagree with you on the most part, people need to be mindful of the content they watch. I’ll say there are a few I think who look at respectful n decent porn with the consent of their partner, or their partner joins in as well and that wouldn’t be degrading to women in my view. But if they’re looking at something like brazzers/bangbus which isn’t in my opinion a decent porn production, then yeah it’s pretty degrading. If they’re looking at it behind the partners back that is another problem, and if they’re allowing it into their lives as much as you say that is also another problem I think people need to deal with. There are limits to how much you can watch and enjoy, the content you look at, etc.
But I do still think you can have people with partners n daughters that have decent porn habits but they’re the ones who have partners that give the OK and are aware of porn’s impact and don’t go overboard. Remember though there are men in porn so if it’s affecting women as much, it should also be affecting his sons, males in some porn are nothing but swinging dicks to penetrate and perform to a level that requires medication which is degrading in itself. That + how the women are treated are why I avoid most pro porn, I’ve found you can usually tell it’ll be shit because the actor and actresses skin will be tanned in a fake looking way and they’ll have body augmentations, the way their skin looks is so fake and it’s correlated with degrading n bad quality in my experience.
Btw, just in case you were wondering I was referring to a broad range of websites, blogs, opinion pieces, real life discussions on porn where SOME women have been pretty demonizing n quite frankly pretty damn confusing about male’s porn use. Some of the more extreme anti-porn views like those from the 70′s radfems? And I’ve even had a woman tell me that porn is rape? 2 consenting actors is rape, all porn is rape (including any porn I’ve ever made myself?). Boggles the mind.
I’m really not in support of Pornography or anything related to it, though my spouse seem to find pleasure in staring at nude women and fantasizing. I got to find out later that he is a bit addicted to it and it breaks my heart to know that. Sometime ago, I found out he signed up to this particular dating site looking for ‘intimate online relationships’ with other women because we are both miles apart. I felt really heart broken and since then, I’ve not been able to trust him completely. I really try as much not to let it get to me, so I just pray about it, believing someday, he will come to realize how much it affects our relationship.