How you talk about what you want affects how attractive you appear.
In real life there are so many ways to make an impression on women. We can easily express ourselves in ways that reflect how we feel.
For example, let’s say that you are just a genuinely nice guy, meet a female at a bar, and she asks what you are looking for in a woman. If you tell her that you are in the midst of dating and seeing what’s out there, but would like to settle down with a girlfriend sometime soon, there are two ways that she can interpret your words.
She will either mark you as a man who is desperate and lonely, or as a guy who is of extremely high quality and in demand, who just happens to be searching for “the one.” The category you fall into will largely be determined based on the tone, pitch, body language, and delivery of how you tell her you are looking for a girlfriend.
Online, we don’t have the benefits of expressing ourselves through visual emotions, vocal tones, and body language. Our words are our main form of communication. We must not only use our writing in ways that allow women to assess who we truly are, but must also learn to use our writing in ways that will attract women, and make them want to pursue us.
This is where the psychology of writing comes into play. Many of us who are attempting to meet women online make the mistake of using words and phrases in our profiles that seem very innocent on the surface, but are sub-consciously communicating messages that we don’t want to be sending.
Let’s take a look at a common example that I frequently see in my client’s profiles. Many men will say somewhere in their online dating profiles, “I’m looking for a girl who is nice, down to earth, and fun.” This statement may seem innocent enough. But lets take a closer look at the psychology of the wording.
The words, “I’m looking,” unintentionally sends the signal that the women we hope to date are the ones in control, and that we are the ones chasing. After all, we clearly stated that we are looking. This not only has the implication that we are the chasers, but also suggests that we may be desperate and lonely.
How can this be revised into a statement that is not weak, but rather, strong, confident and in control?
Original statement: “I’m looking for a girl who is nice, down to earth, and fun.”
New statement: “The perfect girl for me should be nice, down to earth, and fun.
The new statement seems to say the same thing, but notice the difference. In the revised statement, the speaker is the one in control. The man writing the ad has set himself up as the prize, and implied that women should chase him. In addition, he is showing more confidence, and subtly suggests that he is in demand. Overall, this is a much stronger statement, and far from sounding like a lonely guy who has been looking forever to find someone.
If I were to add to this statement, I would put the ball in her court: “The question is, are you the perfect girl for me?” This further helps to emphasize the chase: now she must prove to you that she is right for you. Although this may sound misogynistic to some, or as if we are playing games, I would have to disagree. It’s simply taking advantage of the psychology of attraction, and without getting our foot in the door, we will never have the opportunities to meet that special someone.
The above statement is just one example; there are countless words and phrases that men use which have a negative impact, such as, “if you think we are a match, send me a message.” Instead of an “if” statement, end on a stronger note: “To all my matches out there: send me a message. I look forward to hearing from you.”
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About Joshua Pompey
How about I email you my username and password, you correct my profile and we see what happens?
Jargonator,
I could personally provide a free evaluation. Just send your profile information to profilewritingstaff@getrealdates.com
Done, I’m never beyond learning something new.
Good post. This guy clearly gets it.
“The man writing the ad has set himself up as the prize, and implied that women should chase him.”
Yes, because what we really need to do more of is applying the language of economics and competition to the field of love! (Something Erich Fromm already warned against in the 50′s.) I’m not a prize and I should not be chased. That would turn me into an object, and I’m not an object. I cannot be won. I can only give myself away.
There’s nothing wrong with exuding some self-confidence, of course, but that is not the same as setting ourselves as desirable objects in the dating market.
Victor,
I mean this metaphorically speaking. In no way am I attempting to objectify men or women.
Joshua
I am certain you’re not attempting to objectify anyone, but of course that doesn’t mean you’re not doing it. You cannot write your dating profile with the thought “does this make me look like a desirable prize” and not be objectifying yourself. You’re not trying to show who you really are; you’re trying to show yourself as that which women want.
It would seem to me that better advice is to attempt to write a dating profile that shows something of yourself. This is much harder than it may appear; in most profiles, people hide behind jokes, unrevealing lists of hobbies or career choices, and so on.
Of course, showing something of yourself doesn’t mean “writing in a way that makes you look insecure and lacking self-worth”, so to that extent, your advice about which phrases to avoid makes perfect sense. But the reasoning behind your advice is symptomatic of a way of thinking about people that takes its metaphors from economics and competition. Metaphors matter. They will change the way you see yourself and other people.
Question: Do articles like this one have the unintended effect of telling women what their own expectations *should* be?
When you tell guys that using a phrase like “I’m looking for…” conveys neediness, loneliness, etc., are you in effect telling women that that is how they *should* interpret it?
If so, doesn’t that make you and your advice part of the problem?
No I’m saying that it is part of human nature for the sub-conscious to interpret writing like this in that way, even though many of these men are not needy or lonely at all. I don’t provide advice to women in regards to online dating, I focus solely on helping men. Its amazing how much the results change for these men once I apply subtle changes to their writing style. Psychology is a very powerful force.
I realize that you are not giving advice to women. Women do read articles on GMP, though, and my question is whether an unintended consequence of your article might be that women who did not previously regard a statement like “I’m looking for….” as indicating neediness, loneliness, etc., might be inclined to so regard it after reading your article. You are holding yourself out as an expert, don’t you think that might influence your women readers?
Well written article with good advice. You can find more good online dating tips here attracion(dot)com as well as thousands of singles looking for soulmates.